Chapter 20
The moment Danté pulled up the street, I noticed my parents’ car. Fuck me . My blood turned to mud in my veins, panic rising to the surface. This was not part of the plan, nor was this something I had prepared myself for. Danté said something, but it didn’t register in my brain. Until he waved a hand in front of me and snapped me out of it.
“What’s happening?”
“My parents are here.”
Most of the time, they spent Christmas with my father’s parents, not with Grandma.
“You want to go back?”
Yes. No. Maybe? I steeled myself.
“Let’s go. I promised I’d come to see her.”
My heart picked up its rate. Nothing would happen to me. I knew that. Then why was my anxiety flaring up? Probably because I wouldn’t be able to ignore the disappointment. It was easy to let someone down when there were miles between us and not feel a thing. Danté lifted his hand to push on the doorbell; instead, I just opened the door. Voices came from the living room. When we entered, all the heads turned. Grandma jumped up from her one-person seat.
“Oh, darling, you’re early.” She opened her arms and took me in for an embrace. She smelled like freshly baked cookies.
“Hi, Grandma. Merry Christmas.”
“Merry Christmas, Evy.”
My parents and sister got up from the couch. My father’s expression was neutral, my mom’s a bit less. Eleanor was glaring. Until Danté reached out his hand.
“Hello. I am Danté.”
They all shook his hand and presented themselves politely. My sister’s eyes went from mad to shocked. It hadn’t been that long ago that she thirsted after him. And today he was mine. Even if it was only for a few hours. Then my mother ticked.
“I thought you were too busy.”
“I am too busy to leave for a whole week, not for a few hours.”
“It sounds like an excuse to not come home,” she quipped back.
I couldn’t answer back. My mom never responded, not to me. Now that she did, I didn’t know what to tell her. Not only did it sound like an excuse, it was an excuse. Shame was gnawing at my sanity, and I found myself unable to even look at her.
Danté put a reassuring hand on the small of my back. “She’s been studying very hard. She’ll visit when she can.”
My head shot up. Had he just taken my defence even though I was the one to blame? I could kiss him right then and there. Danté noticed me staring and gave me a warm smile. When he was with me, I truly felt like I could rattle the world. From the corner of my eyes, I noticed Eleanor assessing the whole situation like a cat in a tree would. Nothing went unnoticed by her.
Grandma cleared her throat before hugging me again. “Welcome home, darling.”
My father’s brows furrowed at the words. Home . The place his house was supposed to be to me. Luckily, he stayed silent. Me on the other hand, I felt warm and fuzzy inside when she said it.
Grandma winked at me. “I hope you brought my chocolates.”
“Even better. I have the regular box, but I also found a huge one.”
I grabbed the candies and gave them to her. The grand Ferrero was bigger than a snowball.
She clasped her hands together. “Marvellous.”
Grandma ushered us to the kitchen, and when the adults – well, the more adult adults than us – went back to their discussion, I stole a cookie from the counter. Danté pretended to be shocked.
“You filthy thief!” he scream-whispered.
“Shush! She doesn’t like it when people take them before she says so.”
I took a bite of the goods and sighed from contentment. An evil twinkle appeared in my friend’s eyes.
He placed his arm over my shoulders and whispered in my ear, “It would be such a shame if she saw that, then, wouldn’t it?”
“Fine! I’ll trade you half of the cookie if you keep silent.”
“Perfect.”
I didn’t get to break his part off; Danté took a bite and almost the whole cookie was gone. I rolled my eyes.
“If that was what you planned, I would’ve given you a new one,” I said as I put what was left of it in my mouth.
At that moment, Grandma and my parents looked in our direction. My crime had been discovered. I swallowed as Danté laughed quietly next to me. They were all expecting something. Had someone asked me something while I had been chatting with Danté?
“What is it?”
“How are the cookies?” Grandma asked, smiling mischievously.
I let out a nervous giggle as I rubbed my forearm. “They’re amazing.”
She patted my cheek in such a sweet, loving way that the gesture almost made me tear up. “Good.”
Eleanor took that as a cue to take one herself. Grandma tsked, and my sister dropped it.
“Don’t eat them all now. It’s for after we open the presents.”
Eleanor opened her mouth to protest. I wasn’t the favourite, but I was the one Grandma knew the best. I could get away with way more than my sister or my cousins. Grandma raised a single eyebrow, and Eleanor plopped down on a kitchen chair, sighing.
“Your mom asked when your internship starts,” Dad said.
Oh right, so they had asked me something. That piqued Danté’s interest.
“The first week of February.”
I was so ready for it. And if I was lucky, I could walk out of that internship with a job. The job.
“Where will it be?” my mom asked.
If she was trying, so could I. I opened my mouth to answer, but Grandma was faster.
“At the medical practice near her apartment. They might even offer her a job.”
Except that her excitement didn’t help my case.
“How do you know that?”
Mom’s disappointment shone through now. Hadn’t I told her that?
Grandma beamed, not noticing that her daughter had lost all her colour. “She told me when she got the internship. A position that would be deserved. A hard-working girl, that one.”
My sister looked down. One of our uncles once said that Eleanor was the pretty sister, and I the smart one. In both cases, it has been insulting. After having spent years in and out of the hospital, Eleanor’s academic career had been heavily delayed. Where I was almost graduating, she still had more than a year of college to go through. I shot a glance at Danté, biting down on my lip. He stood closer to me, our arms touching. I was waiting for my mom to explode. She was the one I got my horrible temper and sharp tongue from – a bad personality trait Eleanor also had inherited. So imagine the shitshow if the three of us lost our marbles at the same time.
“It looks like you know more about our daughter than we do,” she snapped.
Eleanor and I winced. There we go.
Mom tried to regain her cool. “The way you keep pushing us away is not fair, Evelyn. We are your parents.”
“Your mother is right,” Dad added. “We let you do what you want, but you should tell us those kinds of things.”
A snort escaped me. Danté bumped his shoulder against mine, grounding me. Breathe, Evy. I hadn’t come here to create drama.
“Can’t you see that we are trying to be part of your life?” Mom insisted.
“Well, maybe I don’t need you to be present in every aspect of my life.”
I had blurted the words out before I could even think them through. Grandma’s eyes went wide at the sudden shift in the atmosphere. She knew how bad my outbursts could be. My mom, however, hadn’t seen it coming. Because even though I had the same bad temper as she had, I had never lashed out at her. It was too late now. My words were in the open. And I meant every part of it. Danté laid a hand on my shoulder. When I looked up at him, he shook his head. I swallowed back my anger.
“Why do you have to be so cold? This family loves you. We need you.”
I saw red. Danté let out a long breath. My brain short-circuited, and the little common sense I had left broke down.
“You weren’t there when I needed you,” I yelled, “and I waited for years. So stop pretending like we are a united family. Because we are not .”
My whole body was trembling, and the nausea came back. My mother left the kitchen, my father and sister rushing after her. Grandma looked back at me, her hands twitching. The disappointment on their faces meant nothing compared to the sadness on hers.
“Grandma, I’m so sorry,” I started before a sob came out of my mouth. “I’m so sorry.”
Then another sob came out, and another one, until guilt made it hard to breathe. How could I spiral out of control like that?
Grandma gave me an embrace. “Oh darling, I know.”
“I’m sorry.”
My fears had been true – I was a rubbish daughter. Then why did it feel like a huge weight had been lifted off my chest? I didn’t feel sorry for saying those horrible words; I was sorry because I meant them. Grandma stroked my back until I stopped hiccupping. She made a tissue appear out of her apron and dabbed my cheeks dry.
“I ruined your Christmas.”
“No love, you didn’t. This has been coming for a very long time.” She let go of me and turned to Danté. “Please take her home. They all need to cool down.”
Danté nodded. She gave him a tight hug before kissing my cheek. Danté grabbed my stuff in the living room where my parents were while Grandma pushed me outside.
“Take the time you need to clear your head, but don’t let things deteriorate, alright?”
It was easier to not think about the future, or that I would have to face my parents again after today. But she was right. I couldn’t let things deteriorate. I just couldn’t do it today. Probably not tomorrow either.
“Yes, Grandma.”
Danté came back with my jacket and my handbag. “I’ll wait in the car.”
He greeted Grandma with a kiss, and she beamed at him. Once he was out of hearing, her smile turned cheeky.
“What a handsome man you have.”
My cheeks reddened. “Oh, Danté is not my man.”
“You don’t believe he’s just a friend, do you?”
There was no point in pretending like he was. Not today. If anything, Danté had been the strength I needed.
“One thing is for sure; I don’t want him to be.”
“Good. I’ll see you soon.”
“I’ll call you.”
“I’m counting on it.”
***
The ride back home was over in the blink of an eye. At least, that was how it felt for me. At one point, I recall Danté saying something I hadn’t been able to focus on. If anything, I felt drunk. Empty. I let my body use its muscle memory to take me upstairs. What now? In less than ten minutes, I had been able to make my family hate me. If I had had any chance to mend the relationship I had with my parents, I had just watched it burn. Worse, I had lit those chances aflame with my anger and bitterness, and I hated how good it felt.
Danté put my stuff on the low table in the living room, keeping his distance. “Do you want to talk about it?”
“What is there to talk about? You saw everything.”
He should never have seen any of this. So why didn’t I care that he had? I couldn’t even muster the energy to feel ashamed anymore. I let myself fall on the couch and turned the TV on. Maybe it was better to not feel anything in the moment. Once the haze was over, I wouldn’t feel so calm anymore.
“Evelyn, if you need to cry or vent, please do so.”
“I feel empty.”
“Do you want me to leave?”
“Do you want to leave?”
“That’s not what I’m asking.”
The cold settled in my body. Gods, I was so tired. Danté dropped to his knees in front of me, putting the back of his hand against my forehead. His skin felt warm against mine. The features of his face were taut with worry. Maybe that was why I couldn’t lie.
“I never want you to leave.”
“Alright.”
He went to the kitchen. I could hear the doors of the cupboard open and close, and cutlery clink. Danté came back a few minutes later with a mug. From what I could smell, it was chai. He gave me the cup, and the heat of it made my body regain some of its sensations. The tea wasn’t strong enough for my liking, nor was it sweet enough. The gesture was the sweetest though. Danté plopped down next to me and took the remote.
“I won’t be able to convince you to watch a horror movie tonight, huh?”
“Can we watch Strong Girl Bong Soon instead?”
Humour and pretty boys were the only things that could make this day a bit less shitty. Danté put the drama on without complaining. Once the first ten minutes were over, I scootched over, half draping myself over him. I was probably overstepping boundaries by doing so, but if I was, Danté ignored them too. Because for the rest of the night, he held me close until I fell asleep.