32. The Sinner
Iwatch as his eyes darken and bleed into mine, so much emotion deep within their depths as his words repeat in my mind. “ You have always been my Snow, and I, your prince. Either kill me or forgive me my trespasses against you.”
Is he right? Has he always been my prince? Have I always been able to see the neglected and sad boy, hiding inside of the man who grew up under a cruel, and unforgiving father? Can I forgive him or take his life? Which would be more detrimental to me? Could I live with myself knowing that I was responsible for his death? That the last breath he took was at the mercy of my hand. That his blood would flow with a mere flick of my wrist?
Can I forgive him for loving Abe, and wanting to save him over me? For the sacrifice he was willing to commit for the person he loved the most? For not loving me more than anyone else, when I could have never given myself solely to him? That is the crucible of our issues, isn’t it?
Deep down, I don’t believe Noah’s accusations about Gabriel. Why would he turn him into the Order that he despises? Why would he murder one of the few people on this earth that he cared for, and then make sure his infant son got to safety? Abe told me the lengths that they went through, to make sure the boy and his mother got out. Zeke wouldn’t have gone through all of that if he didn’t care.
“Snow, use me, barter me to gain Sammy’s freedom, and in the meantime, we can continue searching for Gabriel’s son. I was close to finding him. I know I was.” His words of sacrifice are my undoing. My hands shake subtly, and I quickly pull the blade away from his throat before I end his life by accident.
He offers his life for Sammy and the boy. He is willing to be sent back to the lion’s den, where he knows his father will most likely kill him. I can see the honesty bleeding out. It’s not just words to soften my heart toward him. He would be willing to put himself back into harm’s way to save them. Fuck, fuck, fuck. What do I do here? Do I believe him? My heart begs me to, while my soul cries out to forgive him.
I yank myself away from him, my breathing picking up as the magnitude of what I could have just done hits me. I wasn’t playing a game; I was ready and willing to slice his throat open. I drop the blade on the surface of the desk, the slight red tinge along its edges from his blood making a shudder race through me. I was so close to ending his life, so fucking close.
Breathe, bitch, I tell myself even as the air becomes trapped in my throat, causing the sound of my own blood to rush through my ears. I tighten my trembling hands into fists to try to contain all the emotions cycling through me at warp speed. Stop, we can’t show weakness. We can’t let him see how he has affected us, and how all of this is breaking down our walls. We can’t weaken towards him, or we will be lost.
“Thank you for your kindness, Dinah.” His words are roughened with pain and said hesitantly as if he, too, is realizing that I could have just murdered him. That for a moment, I had no plan to stop until I saw his blood spill over my skin. The monster inside of me rattles at its cage, demanding that we sacrifice him, that we bleed him out and hurt him like he did us, but I slam a steel door on it, refusing to be led back down to madness.
“Kindness is weakness. I no longer have that in me. You are only alive because I can use you to get Sammy back.”
The door slams open wide at that moment, causing a crash, and a berserker stands in the doorway, ready to do a ton of damage. Abe charges into the room like a bull, seeing nothing but red flags before him.
I don’t even get the chance to utter a single word before he grabs Zeke, and slams his fist into his face. Zeke doesn’t hold back or even try to stop him. It’s as if all of his anger and frustration are unleashed, and the two men throw down hard, both of them slamming their fists into each other’s bodies, and causing injuries and blood to be shed.
I force my slackened jaw to close at the display of testosterone brutality before me, and sit back on the desk and watch the two cavemen go at it. Refusing to get in the middle of their primate display of force. If they want to beat each other to a pulp, let them. The victor will win shit. I’m not some damsel princess, locked in a tower in distress, waiting for her knight in shining armor or her prince charming to climb up and save her. Fuck them both, I can save myself.
Once their hits start to slow, and they seem to be running out of steam, or both are badly hurt, I get up from the desk and move to where they are on the floor in a tangle of limbs. Rolling my eyes, I grab onto the hair at the top of Abe’s skull with one hand, and do the same with Zeke’s dark locks. I yank hard, pulling them apart like I used to when we were children, and they were demonstrating how to be Neanderthals. God, give me strength not to murder both of them.
“Awww, Dinah! Fuck, baby, that hurts!” Abe yells, trying to untangle himself from Zeke’s long legs.
“Snow! Fuck, you’re going to rip out all my fucking hair!” Zeke shouts, as he tries to swat away at my hand.
Fucking childish morons, that’s what I have here before me. God, save me now. How do I even cope with the two of them? For a moment, I think about how much easier and stress-free my life would be if I shot them both. Maybe I should shoot them? I shake my head at the thought, before it leads me back down a dark path where I murder both of my childhood friends.
“ENOUGH!” I scream, releasing my hold on their hair and dragging my hands down my face with pure exhaustion. I can’t deal with this right now. I have to find Sammy, and stop Noah Rothesay from murdering my nephew. These two are busy behaving like alpha assholes, while I deal with life and death.
“Atasi!”
“Snow!”
“NO! I’m fucking done! You two need to stop this shit now. There are more important things at stake than your overbearing, bruised egos. I have to find Sammy and Gabriel’s son. I don’t have time to waste with this shit. If you can’t see that, can’t realize how urgent the situation we are in is, then get the fuck out!”
“How can you just forgive him, Atasi? Have you forgotten what he did to you?” Abe shouts, his face red with emotion as both he and Zeke stumble off the floor, both of them giving each other a wide berth.
“He can help us get to Sammy, Abe. I need to find Sammy before Noah kills him. That is all that matters.” I’m so tired and overwhelmed. It feels like my head is ready to explode with all that is being demanded of me.
My heart calls out for the man who is missing, the man who is my soulmate, who would never leave me and might go to his death because of me. He might die, all because I wanted my vengeance on the Brotherhood. I did this. I was the cause of all of this. We were happy in our own little world before the Brotherhood pulled me back into theirs.
“He almost killed you, Dinah!” Abe grabs my biceps and shakes me, his breathing harsh in the now silent room.
“He did it to save you, Abe. It was always you. He loves you more than anyone else. More than me and more than himself. It was always about saving you.“ I push away from his grasp, completely done with this shit. Let them kill each other over whatever misunderstanding each is feeling. I will take my rebel troops, and go save Sammy without their help.
Sadness crosses Abe’s face as I pull away from him, and head towards the door. I glance at Zeke from the side of my eye, and watch as he stares with longing at Abe. Fools. The two of them are love-sick fools.
“I pray you know what you’re doing, Dinah,” Abe’s voice sounds quietly in the silent room. I can hear the dejection he feels in his tone.
“Save your prayers. I’m not the one who needs them.” I don’t bother to look back as I leave the two of them, to figure out their shit or kill each other. Either way, I am done with the whole situation.