32. Alice A Button
Alice A Button
My sister can make me absolutely crazy. In fact, I would say that she is the only person in all the world who has that specific effect on me. I love her. I do . I would walk through fire for her. And she gave me my favorite person in the world, my niece Julie. But she’s just so darn competitive with me. While I’d like to rise above, while I prepare myself to just freaking be the bigger person , Delia always finds a button. She always pushes it, leans on it until she cannot lean any harder.
So when she sauntered in the back door of my house and called, “Yoo-hoo! Al-ice!” my heart rose all the way into my throat. Because of all the things I hated, I hated surprises the very most. I’ve never liked them, not since I was a kid. And then the dead husbands didn’t help matters much. Delia knew that very, very well.
I was in the laundry room, folding clothes with Charlotte, who noticed my expression immediately. “Who is that?” she whispered.
I was frozen to my spot, powerless to move. “My sister,” I whispered.
“Oh, good?” Charlotte asked. Definitely a question.
“God, grant me the serenity,” I said out loud as I heard Brenna say tentatively, “Nana?”
I walked out the laundry room door. “Del!” I squealed with an enthusiasm that, once I saw her, I began to feel. Of all my siblings, Delia was the only one I really kept in touch with. I had tried, at various times throughout the years, to reconnect with all four of them, to gather us together, either alone or with our families. But things always seemed to fall apart at the end. And, really, I knew why. We were strangers now. I hadn’t lived with them since I was ten years old, and the resentment over the “good deal” I’d been handed in the wake of our shared tragedy didn’t help much. Although I sometimes wanted to point out to my brother Daniel that he’d only had to live in foster care for six months, to my sisters Delia and Emily that they had at least gotten to live together. But I never did. We never got into anything real. Instead, we spent half our time making small talk, getting filled in on parts of each other’s lives we should already have known.
“Al!” Delia said, kissing me on both cheeks and hugging me enthusiastically. She looked around the open floor plan of my gorgeous waterfront home and said, “So I see you’ve stuck with those oystershell countertops. Such a bold look.”
And so it began. Charlotte put a forceful hand on the small of my back, seemingly to hold me up. I appreciated it.
Julie was trotting down the steps and stopped abruptly. “Mom? What are you doing here?”
“Can’t I come visit my favorite daughter and granddaughters?”
Julie was Delia’s only daughter, but my sister was the kind of woman who would choose a favorite and then tell all her children who that was—and, more to point, who it wasn’t.
I looked over at Grace, who wiped her hands on her kitchen towel as we walked from the hallway toward her. “Hi,” she said with a wave. “I’m Grace. I’m a friend of Julie’s.”
“Ah, yes,” Delia said wistfully. “Another castaway on Alice’s shipwreck.”
Grace didn’t take the bait. “Are you staying for dinner? I’d be happy to set another plate.”
Delia lit up. “Oh, that would be lovely. Just lovely. Thank you for offering, Grace.” She shot me a look that said, At least someone did.
But, see, I hadn’t offered because I didn’t want her to stay. I had decided, after losing my nerve many times, that tonight I was going to sit down with this little family of mine and tell them that I was planning to move in with Elliott. That they could take all the time they needed. That there was no rush. If it took months or even years, we could wait. We would work it out. I was so happy to move in with him. But I was so sad—and, quite frankly, a little terrified—to be moving in a different direction. I had succeeded at mommune life. I couldn’t say the same for couple life.
“Grace!” Charlotte said in a high-pitched voice. “Why don’t we open some wine for Julie’s mother?”
Julie’s mother didn’t need wine. Julie’s mother got even worse when wine was involved. That said, I desperately needed wine. And I thought it might be better for me to have something to calm me down, even if it amplified her.
“I’ll bring it to the porch,” I said. “Give you and Julie a little time to catch up.”
“Yes,” Delia said. “Thank you. It will be nice to have a little time with my daughter.”
Julie shot me a conciliatory smile as she closed the porch door behind them.
“She’s always reminding me Julie is her daughter. Her daughter,” I said, feeling myself getting worked up. “Where was she when her daughter and her grandchildren were living in that disgusting roach-infested apartment with water stains all over the ceiling? Where was she when her grandchildren were wearing too-small shoes because Julie had no savings, a new reporting job, and couldn’t afford groceries, rent, and shoes?”
Grace silently handed me a glass of wine, while Charlotte perched on a stool and watched me sympathetically. This was the best part about a house of women. They understood when you simply wanted to vent. “I’ll take wine out to Delia,” Grace whispered.
Jamie tore into the kitchen. “Anally! We’re going to do a show for Nana!” She was wearing a sparkly pink tutu over her school uniform and a pair of red Wizard of Oz slippers, and my heart swelled. When the girls moved in, they were too little to say, “Aunt Alice.” Instead, it came out “Anally,” and the nickname had stuck.
“Yay!” I said, gathering all my enthusiasm. I pulled her to me, and my heart hurt with how much I loved her.
I thought again of that night I found out my mother had died—in a sea of glass and gasoline. The night my father fled the scene of a crime of his making with a bottle of brandy and never came back. When I was not much older than Jamie, I knew the terror of being all alone in the world, of having no one to help you or care about you or save you. I could conjure that feeling in an instant. It could well up in me with no warning at all. I was so grateful that I could give her a chance to live a different life, have a different story. I was so grateful that I wasn’t that little girl anymore. I had all these people around me to love me. I had this family I had built for myself. Yes, I had lost three men I had loved too, but I wasn’t alone. You aren’t alone , I reminded myself, calming myself down, backing away from the ledge of my biggest fear.
“You are going to be absolutely magnificent! I can’t wait to see the show!” I told Jamie.
Audrey skittered in behind her in her Beauty and the Beast gown, a yellow confection of cheap tulle and thickly applied glitter. Brenna trailed in last in all black.
“And who are you?” Charlotte asked.
“I’m the director,” Brenna said importantly. “So I need to blend in.”
We all cracked up as she said, “Come on, Audrey,” and the three sisters made their way to the porch.
“They are really something else,” Grace said. She paused, taking a sip of wine. “So, why do we think your sister is here?” She raised her eyebrow at me.
“Oh, she needs money,” I said offhandedly. That’s usually why she showed up. And that was her excuse for not being able to take in her daughter and grandchildren. And for years and years, I’d been able to give it to her. But circumstances had changed for me, at least for now. I couldn’t be her money tree. I was strongly considering going back to work at the school—if they would have me, that is. But they had openings, and I’d left them on positive terms. It’s not you, it’s me was true for once. It wasn’t great money, but it was enough to get me by. But, more than the money, I felt like I was ready. I missed the children and the sense of community. I missed feeling like I was making an impact. And if I wasn’t going to be at the mommune, I needed something to occupy my time.
“Nice,” Charlotte said. “Well, I guess if you know what to expect, you’ll never be disappointed.”
I smiled at her and patted her hand. “Listen to me going on and on. How are things with Bill?”
She sighed. “He’s hanging in there, but, you guys… I know Bill is innocent, but what if he gets convicted anyway? It happens all the time.”
The thought made my stomach turn.
“That’s not going to happen,” I said firmly. But we both knew that happy thoughts weren’t going to fix this.
“Not only might I really need to start a new life for us, but there are people who lost their entire savings in this debacle. Even if it isn’t Bill’s fault, I think we should try to pay them back. The idea of old couples losing their whole retirement makes me feel ill.”
“I know, sweetie, but it’s not your fault,” Grace said as she removed the plates from the cabinet.
We each took a stack and, as we began setting the table, Charlotte said, “I wanted to wait and tell you this at a better time, when we were all together, but I do have a job offer on the table in New York. If the worst happens, Iris and I are going to need a fresh start. And if we get one, so should everyone else. I want to be able to pay everyone back.”
My head snapped up when she said that. Well, she had beat me to the punch. We couldn’t both announce we were leaving. “But how would you even do that? Aren’t the fraud victims’ names protected for their privacy?”
She nodded. “Well, yeah. But I’m sure I could figure it out.”
I hadn’t realized this was how Charlotte felt. “Honey, I think that’s so kind of you, but I’m not sure that spending your life paying penance for something you didn’t do is going to help anything at all.”
But didn’t I understand that? Wasn’t that what I had been doing too? Trying to atone for sins that weren’t mine to begin with? Trying to somehow right my karmic ship so that these horrible things wouldn’t keep happening to me?
“So you really think you’ll go back to New York?” Grace asked.
Charlotte looked down at her feet. “If things don’t get better soon, I think I’m going to have to.”
The idea of them leaving swamped me with grief. “Oh, Charlotte. We would miss you so much!” I meant that. I did. But also, in the back of my mind, I knew it was crazy. I was moving . I needed them to go. But the reality of it was crashing down around me.
She smiled. “I will miss you all terribly. But I think it’s the right thing.”
“But is it the right thing for your daughter?” I asked, suddenly feeling incensed.
Charlotte looked puzzled, and I realized I had been too forceful with her. I tried to never raise my voice, never get upset. “I’m sorry,” I said. “This is the Delia effect. She isn’t even in the room and she’s irritating me.” And I was leaving . It wasn’t like I could keep Iris. What was wrong with me?
Charlotte nodded. “Iris isn’t going to be happy,” she said. “She loves it here. But New York is her home too, so I think she’ll adjust.”
Grace walked over and hugged her. “I’m so proud of you.”
They both looked at me. I knew this was the moment that I was supposed to say something heartfelt. But I couldn’t quite muster it. Because I didn’t mean it. I didn’t want her to leave, and I needed to do some work to figure out why. Was I less ready than I thought to move in with Elliott? No. I knew I was ready. I just wanted both. Life with Elliott, and the mommune. But that wasn’t reality.
Fortunately, I was saved from too much soul-searching by Julie opening the porch door and saying, “The show was marvelous! And we have some hungry, hungry dancers!”
“Oh, I know it was amazing!” I said. “We’ll have to catch an encore performance!”
I finished setting the table while everyone filed in to sit down. Merit, Emma, Iris, and her friend Ben arrived, and I couldn’t help but smile at the little group of them. Iris pining over Merit, Ben pining over Iris, Emma just wanting to do anything and everything that Iris did.
I realized we didn’t have enough seats at the same time Ben did. “I’m so sorry!” he said. “I can go home for dinner.”
“No, no! Don’t be ridiculous,” I said, scooting over the chair at the head of the table and sliding another one in beside it. “We were expecting you. I promise.”
My sister glared at me. “What she means to say is that her perfect table is ruined because she wasn’t expecting me .”
I knew better than to fire back at her. I was trained in the art of letting things slide. But I was flustered and frazzled by Charlotte’s news. Which was ridiculous because the bottom line was that I was planning to leave too. It was all hitting me at once. That sadness and frustration hadn’t left me any room to deal with my sister. “Well, no, Delia, I wasn’t expecting you. Since you didn’t tell me you were coming.”
Much to my surprise, she didn’t respond. Grace carried several trays to the table. “Cauliflower tacos with cashew crema!” she announced. We all clapped, as we did most nights, because Grace’s creations were always masterpieces.
“My favorite!” Brenna squealed.
Delia was studying the trays critically. “Where’s the meat?”
“Oh, Grace is a vegan chef,” Julie said. “And she makes us the most extraordinary meals.”
“You won’t believe how good they are,” chimed in that sweet Ben, who to my knowledge had never once eaten Grace’s cooking.
Delia shook her head. “That isn’t healthy for the children. Not one bit.”
She was being so incredibly rude. Even if she felt that way, she shouldn’t have said it in front of Grace.
“Just another reason I’m glad you and the girls are coming home to live with me, Jules,” Delia said importantly.
All eyes were on Julie. You could have heard a pin drop. Julie was leaving. Charlotte was leaving. That deep, longing ache took hold again. You’re all alone, Alice. You’re all alone.
But then I thought of Elliott, of the life we were going to build together. The thought of him soothed me—until I remembered that, like every other man I’d ever loved, he could be gone in an instant.