17. Ashley
ASHLEY
A fter dessert, Fox tried to help bring the dishes in and wash up, but Mom said, “Ashley and I can do it. Whitney, why don’t you and the men take the children to the beach?”
Be more obvious, Mom .
I was mortified, but Fox took his marching orders in stride, disappearing with Whitney who threw a smirk over her shoulder. She’d be grilling him again while I wasn’t there to referee. Divide and conquer. Classic Barnes passive aggressive strategy.
I started rinsing dishes before stacking them in the dishwasher.
“Fliss said you’re staying in the hotel? That Fox is paying for your room?” Mom repurposed a clamshell container that had originally held cookies, filling it with the leftover wings.
“It was paid for on the company card. He feels bad.”
“He feels bad enough to pay for two rooms, one of them the honeymoon suite?”
I didn’t usually lie to her. There was no point. She found out anyway.
I clunked more plates into the dishwasher. “We’re going to share the suite. It’s more economical.”
Highlighting Fox’s thriftiness was worth a shot, but Joanna didn’t embrace it.
“Ashley Margaret.”
Just that. That’s all it took to send a spike of defensiveness straight through me. Whatever I was doing, it was wrong. I had to smarten up right now .
“Move back in here,” Mom insisted.
I almost always buckled to that tone like a basic belt, fast and without fuss.
Tonight, perversely, I dug in my heels. “We shared a house for three months. I’m going to sleep on the pullout.”
“You can sleep on the pullout here .”
“We’re not having sex. He’s trying to be a supportive friend.”
“If you believe that, I have a bridge in your size.” Joanna slammed the refrigerator door.
“Not all men are trying to get a woman into bed, Mom.”
“Yes, I can see that from the way a man paid for this villa so my daughter would sleep with him in the room next to mine. Explain to me where I went wrong.” Mom’s tone fell from exasperated to frustrated. “Was it the lack of a father figure that makes you girls think you need a man in your life? Because I have tried so hard to show you in every way I can think of that a woman can survive without one.”
“Maybe we want to do more than simply survive, Mom.”
My sullen remark was met with silence. When I glanced at Mom, she was not taking that well, facial muscles stoic, eyes bright with offense.
My heart sank.
“I didn’t mean you didn’t provide well for us, Mom. You gave us a great life.” I sealed my lips, knowing when to put down my shovel and stop digging.
“I did the best I could with what I had and when I leaned on someone, it was my sister. You have women you can rely on, yet here you are, allowing a man to pay for your hotel room.”
“Mom—”
“No. Mock me for trying to teach you to get along on your own, rather than putting your future into someone else’s hands. It is your life as you so dearly love to tell me, but I won’t exact a price later.”
Wouldn’t she?
“Do we really need to rip into each other right now?” Even as I said it, I heard it as the placating, back down, pleaser voice I had sworn to expunge from my soul. “What are you even angry about? That I didn’t listen to you in the first place? That you turned out to be right and I shouldn’t have trusted Shane and now look at the mess I have to clean up? It’s my mess! I’m not here begging you to solve it for me. That’s why I’m not moving in here.”
“No, you’re letting him clean it up for you.”
“He caused it!”
We worked in thick silence for a few minutes, the clatter of dishes the only sound.
“I’m angry that you’ve been hurt and I wasn’t able to prevent it,” Mom admitted quietly. “Every time that happens, I feel inadequate and hate myself.”
I should have left him sooner , Mom had confided once, years ago, on a rare day when she’d had a couple of glasses of wine. He was becoming so moody. Drinking too much. But I thought he would change .
“You can’t protect me forever,” I said, rinsing soapy bubbles from a pot.
“But I want to.” Mom didn’t take the dripping pot. She shouldered the tea towel and set her arms around me and hugged me. “I’m sorry that you’re going through this. Shane’s parents are really nice and if he’s like them, I can see why you trusted him and thought marrying him could work. But I’m glad you’re coming home.” She gave me another squeeze and set a kiss on my cheek. “I like being able to keep an eye on you.”
I found a weak smile while a lump rose in my throat. “I love you, too, Mom.”
The lump stayed and an intense wave of sadness gripped me as I experienced a moment of blinding clarity. I didn’t want to go back to Pine Grove. Not to live .