40. Ashley
ASHLEY
“ M ate.” Fox put up a hand like he was shielding his vision from the flash of an arc weld.
I ducked my head, even though Shane’s clean shave was something I’d seen before. He was easy to admire in his birthday suit, tanned and ripped and beautifully proportioned, but not now. Not ever again.
“Quit being coy. You both know I drip dry.” He found some boardies and stepped into them. “All right. White wobbly bits tucked away. Pair o’ wussies.”
“What are you doing here?” I was still in shock that he’d come to Hawaii. When I’d said I didn’t intend to talk to him, I meant it.
“Surprise.” He pitched the word weakly while he pushed his arms wide in a slow-motion, big finish pose. “I texted that I was coming,” he said to Fox.
“I just saw it a minute ago.” Fox held up the phone he clutched in one hand. He indicated this room with other. “How did you get in here?”
“I told the desk I had a reservation and they gave me a key. I wanted to see you,” he said to me, mouth pulling into an uncomfortable smile. “I texted you that I was coming up. When you weren’t here, I reckoned I’d shower then find you. Were you two at the pool?”
“No, um—” My gaze fell with self-reproach and snagged on the letter I’d written to him. It sat open on the sofa cushion where I’d left it. I shot forward to fold it and shove it into the pocket of my robe with the other one.
“What was that?” Shane asked with a sharp frown.
“Nothing.” I eyed him, wondering if he had read it before he’d showered.
My stomach was churning like a washing machine full of loose change and gum. I don’t want to do this . It struck me that Fox had done her a huge favor, ending my engagement by proxy. In a perfect world, I wouldn’t have had to face Shane ever again, or at least not until I’d had some time to get over all of this.
Of course, this wasn’t a perfect world. It was a world that was determined to play my pain for laughs because here Shane was, three days late and a pair of shorts short.
Shane shot a hairy eyeball look toward Fox, one that made my heart clutch. I couldn’t face his finding out what we’d just done. I hadn’t processed it and wasn’t ready to defend it. I wasn’t sure I could.
“It was my letter to you,” I blurted. “For our wedding day.”
Throwing that out there was a gamble. I didn’t want to start a game of disparagement or finger pointing. A dim part of me hoped it would propel him to leave. One of the things I liked most about Shane was that we had never really fought. The minute we’d started to disagree, when the butterflies of anxiety would start in my middle, he always vanished.
That hadn’t been particularly cool. Mostly it had left me feeling responsible for the discord, same as always. Then Fox would give me some insight into Shane’s guilt over being the reason his mother and brother were on the road the day Marcus died. Or how he never dealt with any of his emotions because he’d have to start with the loss of his brother and who in their right mind wanted to rake over that kind of pain if they could avoid it?
Shane didn’t leave, though. His shoulders dropped a notch and he held both his palms out to me in a plea.
“Ash, I’m sorry. It was a shitty thing to do, not getting on the plane. I was drunk. Really crook for two days. I didn’t even look at my phone. When I sobered up and told the guys what I’d done, they couldn’t believe what a bloody idiot I was. Fucking Gunz said it was past time one of us married a girl,” Shane said in an aside to Fox.
Fox managed a weak snort, but his shoulders were bunched defensively. His arms were crossed and his face was stiff as carved mahogany.
“Apology accepted,” I said tentatively. Please God let that be the only reason he was here.
“Just like that?” Shane’s smile flickered.
Fox didn’t move, but I felt his gaze transfer from Shane to me and penetrate like a laser.
“Of course. You didn’t have to come all this way. You could have called.” My heart was beginning to fatigue, it had been sustaining this raised pace for way too long. The butterflies inside me were turning to bees and beginning to swarm, making all of me feel as though I was vibrating. Was it possible to die of adrenaline poisoning? Because I think I was about to.
Shane’s head went back. “Giz a minute, Fox.” He jerked his head toward the door, inviting him to leave without looking at him.
Fox didn’t move.
After a charged second, Shane snapped him a hard look.
I kept my focus on Shane, but my voice shook. “You were right to call it off.”
“You don’t want to get married?” Shane’s arms crossed. He sounded more confounded than anything, which wasn’t a surprise. He was used to getting what he wanted, sometimes by working for it, more often by being good-natured and good looking.
“I already cancelled and got some of the money back. We can’t get married. And...” I was hugging myself so hard I could barely breathe. “I don’t want to.”
“Okay, but...” He jerked a shoulder. “Shouldn’t we talk about it?”
“Why?”
“Because...” He gave his wet hair a ruffle, then swiped his palm on the seat of his boardies.
This confrontation wasn’t loud or violent or hurtful, but it was doing a number on me. Standing up for myself always left me wondering if I had a right to do such a thing. I tried to ignore the anxiety and waved a trembling hand at Fox.
“One friend told you not to marry me and that was enough for you to call off our wedding. Now another one said you should marry me and here you are. Fox, do you want to weigh in with a fresh ‘Don’t bother?’ I’m pretty sure that’s all he needs.”
Fox’s shoulders were like mountains, his feet planted like a tap root.
“Do you want to marry him?” Fox asked me.
“ No .” And he ought to know that. I glared at him, unable to believe he’d even have to ask, but I could see his faith in me was paper thin. Barely there at all.
I turned away so I wouldn’t reveal how deeply that cut.
“Ash, come on,” Shane muttered. “It was cold feet.”
I shook my head. “No. It was you listening to your gut. And I’ve had time to hear mine. We don’t love each other, Shane. Not the way we should.”
“That’s not true.” He took a few steps to come alongside me and sent an irritated glance toward Fox. “Come on, mate. Step outside or something. I can’t talk properly with you here.”
Still Fox didn’t move, not that I could see him because I had my back to him and my eyes were growing wet. Drawing a full breath was an effort. I hated hard conversations like this. It took me right back to my childhood when one heated argument with my sister had ruined our family. I crushed the sleeves of my robe in my fists.
“Fox kept us from making a huge mistake. I care for you, but we don’t have what it takes to make a life together.”
“How can you say that? We’re great together.”
“We weren’t together , Shane. Not really. We lived alongside each other. Adjacent. Not participating in each other’s lives.”
“We slept in the same bed. We drove to work and spent the day with each other.”
“I worked with Fox . Half the time you sent me to visit your parents by myself. You never showed any interest in meeting my family.” I had made excuses for that. Things had happened fast and I had thought there would be lots of time for that after we were married.
“I talked to them over the tablet,” Shane grumbled. “They live on the other side of the planet, Ash. How was I supposed to get to know them?”
“You know what I mean. You never asked about them. You and I don’t share our thoughts and feelings. Not the important ones. Do you know anything about my father? Have you ever told me anything about Marcus?”
“No.” His voice hardened. “But I don’t talk to anyone about him. It’s not you .” He gave his jaw a rub. “I don’t understand why anyone thinks there’s value in wading through painful shit. There isn’t. All right?”
“See? That!” I pointed at him. “That’s it exactly. Remember when I told you my dad is an alcoholic? That was your reaction. You didn’t want to hear it!”
“Because I thought you were telling me I shouldn’t drink.”
“Maybe you shouldn’t,” I cried. “Maybe I think you drink too much and that’s why we shouldn’t get married.”
“I don’t drink that much. Not every day,” he defended. “I don’t do it when I shouldn’t .”
“Except when you’re supposed to get on a plane for your wedding . Then suddenly you’re too drunk to fly!” I was shaking so hard I was afraid I would start to cry.
“Ash, it’s okay.” Fox came as far as the end of the sofa, one hand out in an offer of reassurance.
It struck me that as many times as I’d ripped into him over the last few days, I hadn’t felt this upset doing it. I didn’t know if that meant I felt safe with him, but it sure told me I didn’t feel safe confronting Shane. I was probably only doing it because Fox was here as a buffer. A safety net.
I sniffed back my tears, trying to hang onto my composure.
“For Christ’s sake, Fox. It’s your fault I didn’t get on that plane. Tell her that .”
“I did. And you said you didn’t want to marry her so why are you here?” Fox asked tersely. “Do you want a wife? A woman in the house? Do you want Ashley ? Because she’s got her own baggage. If you don’t want to deal with yours, don’t sign on to carry someone else’s.”
Shane gave him an affronted stare. “Screw you very much, then. Your assistance is not required. Christ .”
“This doesn’t have to be ugly,” I blurted, growing agitated that Fox and Shane were swiping at each other. “Waiting until the last second to back out was a dick move, but you were right to do it, Shane. We don’t have what it takes. We would have wound up divorced.”
“You don’t know that!”
“I do . Look at us right now.” I pointed between us. “This is you and me unable to reconcile after a break up. This was going to happen so it’s better we do it before we’re locked into marriage and all the rest.”
“You’re not even trying to reconcile.” His arms were at his sides, but his gaze moved between me and Fox, growing suspicious. “Why not?”
“Because we’re not right for each other.” My stomach cramped and I turned to stare blindly out the windows, refusing to betray Fox by looking at him, but my heart was twisting beyond what I thought it could bear.
“And you’ve got someone else who is?” Shane asked scathingly.
The smack of his voice, so ripe with fury at being betrayed, hit me like a bus. I spun around, but he was glaring at Fox, saying, “You fucking asshole.”