Chapter Three
Autumn
With the joy I found in my work, I more or less successfully ignored that I commuted to work in the dark over and over again, and that the mornings would only get darker.
I mentally counted down the days to when I’d see Ross again.
By the time I got up on Friday, the darkness felt even bleaker and more pressing than it had the previous days because it was raining on top of everything.
I bundled up in my coat and stood inside my front door for a couple of minutes with my hand on the door handle, dreading that I had to step out.
But I didn’t drive, there was no bus coming, and I couldn’t afford to take a cab every morning, so it was either this or call in sick.
I didn’t want to call in sick. The cafe was my happy place.
I loved working there. I loved my colleagues and my customers. And I had to do this.
Okay, Autumn, be a big girl and get your ass outside.
I trudged along the street that led to Gillam Park until I arrived at the enormous construction site.
All the excavators, bulldozers, and other heavy machines looked like monsters in the dark.
Don’t be ridiculous!
Not even the construction workers were around yet, although I didn’t think that it would help me feel any better if they were there, because they had their jobs to get to and I had mine.
My breath came shorter and I found it difficult to breathe. It was as if an elephant sat on my chest. I tried to force some air into my lungs, but there was an invisible weight on my chest.
Don’t spiral, Autumn, it’s going to be okay.
Not working. I gasped for air and dragged my scarf off and stuffed it into my pocket.
Just relax, it’s all in your head.
Yeah, that was the fucking problem. I was on the verge of a full-blown panic attack, and my heart raced so hard I felt it beat in my throat.
Just one foot in front of the other and breathe, Autumn. You can do this.
I coached myself past the construction site and across the road to the bus stop.
The display board told me I had to wait another 30 minutes on the bench before I got to climb on the brightly lit bus with the morning commuters. And not even one of them was already at the bus stop.
Okay, put your foot on the ground, breathe through your soles.
I took in the billboards across the street. One showed a lighthouse made of books with a child looking out over the ocean. READ MORE KIKMUIR it read in bold capital letters and smaller “Open a Book. Open a World” and “Kirkmuir Community Literacy Project.”
Another showed Eloise Gillam, the mayor, with her carefully styled blonde bob and a winning smile on her youthful face. “Writing The Next Chapter”, the slogan across her chest declared.
For a moment, I lost myself in her kind face, but it was no good. I couldn’t shake the terror that gripped me. The city was deserted, and I felt utterly alone. I pulled out my phone to try to call or text anyone. But I couldn’t stop my fingers from trembling for long enough to even dial a number.
Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit.
I curled into myself on the cold bench as shame and dread rose in me like bile. Mum was right. She’d been against me taking the job at Scales how can you just abandon them?” And I didn’t have to commute in the dark.
I couldn’t get it together. Story of my life. I still couldn’t breathe. What the hell is wrong with me?
Then, a huge van stopped in front of me.
Oh, please no. Just let them drive on.
I didn’t want anyone to see me like this. I just wanted to disappear into the anonymity of a public bus and hide in a back seat until we arrived in the city centre. Then my eyes landed on the sticker on the door. “Wild Bull Roast”, it read.
Crap.
I tried for a smile like Eloise Gillam’s, but all I managed was a grimace.
Ross sat in the driver’s seat and looked at me for a minute, as if it took him a while to understand what he saw, then he checked the wing mirror and got out of his van.