Chapter Five Edith
It’s my first official day of classes.
While getting ready, I go simple with a dark sweater, a skirt, and white sneakers. I double-check my reflection in the mirror. There isn’t enough concealer in the world to cover my eye bags. After grabbing dinner with Bea, I had trouble falling asleep last night because of jet lag and my suitemate.
Yet here I am, hiding in my room just like I used to, trying to avoid notice. Mom and I always walked on eggshells around Dad. Always bent ourselves to fit into whatever space he allowed us to occupy. Always lived at the mercy of his whims. With him, our whole house felt like a prison.
This is Skallagrim, I remind myself. Not my childhood home.
Steeling myself, I head into the suite’s common area.
A short girl with sleek black hair is pulling on a coat over her clingy sweaterdress. She has warm bronze skin and rich brown eyes, looking stylish in her outfit and pointed boots. She’s a berserkr? She looks way too elegant to become an animal.
“Finally, another girl,” she says with a smile. Her hair is smooth and shiny, perfectly straight, and reaches down to her lower back. Mine is the exact opposite: chopped short and damaged from bleach, but she doesn’t seem to care.
“Nice to meet you. I’m Tala Mebarak,” she continues, sizing me up.
I keep my distance. “I’m Edith Holden.”
“Well, welcome to Skallagrim and all that,” she says. “So how—”
“Sorry, I’m late for class,” I say, beelining for the door.
Tala follows me out into the hall. “What class?”
“Psychology,” I say, gripping my backpack.
Tala grins. “Me too. We can head over to Ulf Building together.”
While we walk down the hallway, she asks, “What are you anyway?”
“Huh?”
“You know, what kind of berserkr are you? I’m a wolf,” Tala adds as if that will help me.
I shrink back. “I… don’t know.”
“You’ve never transformed?” Tala sniffs the air. “Guess that explains why I can’t scent you.” She frowns, offering a look of sympathy. “That must be hard.”
“Not really,” I say weakly.
I don’t want to transform. I need to learn how not to.
“What about your parents?” she asks. “Usually we take after them.”
I frown. That’s exactly what I’m afraid of.
Thankfully, Ulf Building isn’t far, only a five-minute walk from the dorms.
Our classroom looks surprisingly… normal, other than the stone floors and walls. Instead of individual desks, there are a handful of tables with chairs. Tala takes a seat in the front and looks my way. “You can sit with me.”
“Thanks.” Not wanting to be rude, I join her and quickly start rifling through my bag.
Tala turns to me. “So, why did you wait this long to come to Skallagrim?”
I grab my notebook. “I’d… rather not talk about that,” I say, carefully arranging my desk. “What about you? Have you been here long?”
“Since I was six,” Tala says, holding her face with one hand. “My parents are on the school board, so I’ve always known I’d go here.” She rolls her eyes. “Skallagrim is practically all they talk about.”
A woman in her mid-thirties walks in, her red hair a shock of color against her green sweater and jeans. She drops her bag on the desk before taking a seat. A deep scar cuts across her face. Even though I must be staring, she smiles like she’s used to it.
“I’m your instructor, Maeve,” she says. “Edith, right?”
“Right.”
She glances between me and Tala. “Why don’t you help Edith get up to speed since she’s joining us mid-semester.”
“Sure,” Tala says at the same time I ask, “Is that an issue?”
Maeve shakes her head. “We’re used to getting berserkr students anytime because of the unpredictable nature of our powers. That’s why we like to partner up students to help make the transition a bit easier on everyone.”
Great. Tala seems fine, but she’s also a berserkr, which means I want nothing to do with her.
I’d much rather take classes with Nils and Emilía.
Too bad I’m not actually a witch. The door swings open, startling me.
Students start streaming in, one boy after another.
A lot of them remind me of Jason and his friends.
“Are we the only girls?” I ask Tala.
“Welcome to my world,” she says with an exasperated sigh. “There aren’t many of us, unfortunately. Well, there are. But most never awaken. Anger isn’t exactly something a lot of girls are told to embrace. That’s why I was glad to see another—”
The bell chimes and everyone scrambles to their seats.
Maeve stands up at her desk. “Well then, if we’re—”
A sandy-haired boy breezes in, wearing his shirt slightly unbuttoned and not bothering to tuck it into his black pants.
He has his bag slung across his chest, his hair is ruffled, and his green eyes sparkle as he grins at Maeve.
I can’t tell if it’s more apologetic or playful as he heads right for our table.
“Hey, babe,” the sandy-haired boy says in a British accent as he grabs the other seat next to Tala. He doesn’t bother to remove his bag before he leans over and kisses her. I’m surprised, because he looks like he’d be a total player.
“Hey,” Tala murmurs.
The sandy-haired boy notices me for the first time. “Who’s this?”
Maeve clears her throat. “Thank you for joining us, Isaac. Now then, if we’re all here, you might have noticed we have a new student joining us. Edith comes from America and—”
More than a few boys start whooping and clapping.
I slouch down in my seat.
“That’s enough,” Maeve says, practically shouting over them until they quiet. “Tala will be helping her get accustomed to Skallagrim. Now, I’d like to begin today’s lesson.”
Silence falls over the classroom.
Ignoring the lingering looks from some of the boys around me, I pull out my notebook and carefully place one highlighter after another beside it.
Isaac laughs. “Someone came prepared.”
Chalk scrapes over the board as Maeve draws a Venn diagram. “As berserkir, your mind has a unique duality,” she says, labeling the first circle as animal and the second as human. “Both sides of your nature are in a constant struggle for control.”
I quickly draw the circles in my notebook, pen pressing down on paper. I can do this—it’s just another class. I’m good at those.
“As you can see, these two sides are mostly distinct from each other,” Maeve continues.
“Unlike the first berserkir, who were inhabited by an animal spirit, which would have looked more like this.” Maeve draws another two circles, but unlike the first, these overlap a lot more.
“This made early berserkir much more volatile and animalistic. Unlike us, they couldn’t fully transform, instead occupying this space between animal and human.
“Unfortunately, this is where a lot of negative stereotypes about us come from. It eventually led to berserking being outlawed in Iceland and throughout Scandinavia.
I press my pen harder into my paper, thinking of my dad. It should be against the law.
“But with proper control,” Maeve continues, “these two sides can coexist and keep each other in check. We can benefit from our strength and heightened senses, while our humanity and rational thought keep our baser animal impulses in check. But in order to control it, you first must accept it.”
I can’t help but scoff.
Maeve casts me a look. Clearing my throat, I quickly stare down at my paper as she resumes the lesson. I force myself to write down everything Maeve says about the importance of accepting both the animal and human within all of us, but I don’t believe any of it.
My fingers tighten around my pen. I didn’t come here to learn about this. How is this helpful at all? This class is giving me a headache. Clenching my teeth, I do my best to continue taking notes, when all of a sudden my pen snaps in two with a loud crack.
Ink splatters the page like blood.
I blink a few times, staring at my broken pen. What the hell is wrong with me? My chest feels too tight, and it’s hard to breathe as I look around the classroom. Hopefully no one noticed. Maeve continues talking, but I can’t hear her over the ringing in my ears. Calm down. I need to calm down.
Finally, a bell blares.
I slam my notebook shut, not wanting to look at it any longer.
“Don’t worry,” Tala offers. “A broken pen is nothing. You’ll learn to control it.”
I nod weakly.
Even though he was last to arrive, Isaac is the first to leave. Students pour out after him. Tala tucks her notebook away and patiently waits for me.
“I wanted to ask Maeve something,” I tell her.
“Oh, sure,” Tala says, frowning. “See you later then.”
Once she heads out into the hall, I approach Maeve’s desk slowly.
“Yes, Edith?” she asks.
My head is throbbing, but I do my best to keep calm. “Um, I was wondering,” I say, forcing the words out. “Is it possible to suppress one side?”
After all, that’s the whole reason I’m at Skallagrim. That’s what I need to learn. And fast. I have to get this under control before Jim and Patricia show up for the Unity Celebration.
Maeve shakes her head. “As berserkir, our goal isn’t suppression but balance. If you try to repress one, there will be consequences. Our animal side is always going to be stronger, since it’s more primal. That’s why if you spend too long as an animal, you can lose your humanity.”
I grind my teeth. That’s the last thing I want.
Maeve continues, “But if you never transform, your animal nature will manifest in unpredictable and violent ways.”
I can’t help but recall what just happened during class.
What happened with Jason.
“Like attacking someone?” I ask slowly.
Maeve nods. “The animal will always come out, whether you want it to or not.”
Maeve’s words continue to haunt me as I lie in bed, staring at the ceiling of my room. By the time I finished classes, I had a full-blown migraine. This was my first one in weeks. Ever since the incident with Jason, actually. Luckily, Patricia insisted I bring my medicine with me just in case.