Chapter Thirty-Seven Edith
When I show up for psychology on Monday morning, no one is there. Am I that late? On the board, Maeve has written a note. Doing something different today. Meet by the crater. Be prepared to share. Below that, she has different groups, with a specific time written next to each.
Great. I have no idea what this means or where I’m supposed to go.
Footsteps echo behind me, and I’m aware of someone moving closer.
My neck prickles. Isaac?
I turn quickly, reaching for my dagger.
Tala stands there, dressed in a linen tunic and holding up her hands. “Whoa. I’m here to help you.”
“Sorry,” I say, slipping my dagger away. “I thought you were someone else.”
“You mean Isaac?”
I press my lips together.
Tala sighs. “Listen, I was upset at first, I won’t lie. But I realized you still haven’t gotten to know us. Psych class today is in the Wilds. Isaac is already headed there, but since you can’t transform yet, I figured you’ll need some help.”
“Why would you help me?”
“My best friend went berserk and lost his humanity, and he was killed because of it. I don’t want to see that happen to you—or anyone else. I want to help you learn how to control your berserking.”
I blink a few times, surprised by how genuine she sounds. But she’s right. I need her help if I want to control this and protect myself. Just like I need her help to reach the class in the Wilds. Whether I like it or not. “Okay.”
Suddenly, Tala is no longer there.
A massive black wolf stands before me. She looks up at me expectantly with her glowing yellow eyes. She makes no move, like she’s waiting for me to realize something.
She said it’s far away and that since I can’t transform, she came back here to help me.
Tala couldn’t mean…
“You want me to get on you?” I ask in disbelief.
The wolf inclines her head. She lowers herself to the floor and waits patiently for me.
Is this really the only way I can get there?
I blow out a breath as I pace beside her.
Is this even safe? I can’t help but think of Bea’s favorite movie, Princess Mononoke.
She’d lose her little mind if I told her I got to ride a wolf.
“Okay,” I say. “Let’s do this.”
Before I can question my judgment further, I climb onto Tala’s back.
She’s so massive, she’s more the size of a dire wolf, and it’s difficult to swing my leg over and lower myself down.
Her soft fur envelopes me as she stands with a sudden start, her tail flicking.
On instinct, I grab fistfuls of her fur as she takes off through the cloisters.
I need every ounce of my strength to hold on.
The gates of Skallagrim burst open for us.
Tala bounds through them, picking up speed as we hit the flat expanse of the Wilds. I hold on tighter to her fur, ducking down against the whipping wind. My eyes water from the speed as she races over the land, moving impossibly fast. It’s even better than running track.
A sense of exhilaration fills me.
Is this what berserking can be like? As I breathe in the fresh air, it smells wild with possibility.
The world opens before me, waiting for me to explore it.
For the first time, I feel like I’m capable of doing anything.
If this is even a fraction of what they feel, no wonder Tala and the berserkir love transforming so much.
Her paws fly over the earth as we approach our destination. Maeve, Kris, and Isaac are already there, waiting for us in their linen tunics. A massive crater stretches beyond them, as far and wide as the eye can see.
Tala crouches down so I can slip off her back before she turns human again, naked. Of all the berserkir I’ve seen transform, hers is the most fluid, the most seamless.
I should ask her how she does it.
“Good, you’re here,” Maeve says, handing Tala a fresh tunic. In the daylight, I notice just how shadowed Maeve’s eyes are, how hollowed out she looks after Idris’s death. It’s my first time seeing her since the vigil. Despite her loss, she’s still here, trying to move forward.
“We’re doing something different today,” she continues.
“It’s called primal screaming, a type of psychotherapy developed by Dr. Arthur Janov that allows us to connect with our repressed emotions.
It’s especially helpful for berserkir. With everything going on lately, I have a feeling we all could use it.
I’ve invited you out in smaller groups, so everyone can hopefully feel more comfortable sharing.
” She walks along the edge of the crater, her arms behind her back.
“The four of you can line up along here.”
I join Tala and Kris, avoiding Isaac.
Maeve stops before me. “What makes you angry, Edith?”
My mouth hangs open. I’m at a loss for words. “I… I don’t know.”
A lot, I add silently. Way too much.
“Of course you do,” Maeve says.
I do know, but I’m not about to share that in front of everyone.
When I’m quiet, Maeve turns to Tala. “What about you, Tala? What anger do you use to go berserk?”
Tala stiffens.
Maeve sighs. “Fine, why don’t I share first?”
She looks out over the deep, wide crater at our feet.
“I’m so angry that I found the love of my life, only to have him taken away from me.
That I’m just supposed to go on without him now.
At first I wanted to quit. I wanted to leave Skallagrim and never come back.
But I know that Idris would want me to stay and fight for what he believed in. What we both did. What I still do now.”
The wind howls.
“I lost someone recently,” Isaac says. The words come out strained.
“Obviously, it’s different.” He nods at Maeve.
“She wasn’t my wife or anything. Hell, she wasn’t even my girlfriend.
But she seemed like a great girl. And her death…
it feels like it’s my fucking fault. I just keep thinking if she hadn’t been meeting up with me, she’d still be alive.
I should have been able to save her, but I—”
His voice breaks.
Isaac. I struggle to swallow past the lump in my throat.
Even though I was just a kid, I felt the same way about Mom.
He seems so torn up about Emilía’s death, even if I’m only seeing this side of him now.
Tala probably knew the whole time. That must be why she was so certain Isaac would never hurt anyone, least of all Emilía.
Am I wrong about Isaac after all?
He takes a moment to collect himself.
“I haven’t felt so helpless,” Isaac continues, “not since I went berserk for the first time.” He blows out a long breath.
“One day, my sis came home from her boyfriend’s with a black eye.
She said it was an accident. Turns out it had been going on for years, and I had no fucking idea.
None of us did. Next time he showed up at our house, I lost it.
I went berserk and almost killed the asshole.
My sis still hasn’t forgiven me. She blames me for pushing her boyfriend away.
After that, I was shipped off to Skallagrim. ”
I stare at Isaac. All this time, I’d assumed he was just like my dad, when in reality he’s the opposite. He protected his sister from her abuser, no matter what it cost him, and I have to respect that. I wish I could have protected my mom.
Looking at him now, I realize he didn’t kill Emilía.
Not all berserkir are like my dad.
Maybe I don’t have to be either.
“Thank you for sharing, Isaac,” Maeve says. “The three of you lost your best friend—and your brother—a few years ago, right?”
“Yeah.” Kris speaks up, surprising me. “Adrian was always bullheaded. When we were kids, we were always roughhousing. He’s why I’m so tough. But he was so fucking loyal too, you know?”
I don’t think I’ve ever heard Kris say so much, but I can hear in their voice how painful it is for them to talk about their brother.
They continue, “When I came out as nonbinary, my family was super supportive. Especially Adrian. He was so protective, and when he found out some of the other boars were bullying me, he tried to stop it. He went berserk, and, well… we all know how that ended.” Kris wipes their eyes with their knuckles. “Fucking hunters.”
My throat constricts as I watch Kris. How is bullying any different from abuse?
Yet we’re so often told that getting bullied is just part of being a kid, that we need to suck it up and deal with it.
But it’s not okay. The kids who are bullies grow up to become adults, and that behavior continues—with their partner, their family, or their own children.
I can’t help but think of how Bea was bullied.
Nils, too, by not only his classmates but his own dad.
“I miss Adrian every damn day,” Kris says. “I don’t think I’ll ever stop missing him.”
My chest aches. Every one of us here has lost someone we love.
“I know, Kris. I know.” Tala reaches out for Kris, rubbing their back.
“Your brother was my best friend. He was the only one I could tell anything. There’s no one else quite like him.
Sorry, Isaac.” Tala laughs a little, but her voice is thick.
“Losing him… it broke me. It was the first time I lost someone I loved. The only good thing was that it brought us together, Kris.”
Tala swallows. “Isaac, too, of course. After Adrian died, I just felt so lost. Isaac was always there for me. We spent all our time together. I thought maybe we could be more than friends. So we started dating, but it wasn’t until after that I… I realized I like girls.”
Tala swipes a hand over her face. “By then my parents had already found out Isaac and I were dating. They were so excited. I’m pretty sure they’re planning our wedding already.
I can’t bring myself to tell them that we broke up.
I don’t want to disappoint them, so we’ve been faking it.
I know my parents love me, but… they put so much pressure on me to become exactly like them. They never asked what I wanted.”