Chapter 29
Chapter Twenty-Nine
YEAR 204, ERA OF THE GODS
S omething is wrong. I feel it every day. It’s like my heart is slowly breaking. It started as a small crack the night I witnessed the poor woman’s death. Every day since, that crack has been spreading, and now I think my heart might be on the verge of shattering completely.
I’ve tried to make excuses for Khalasa. I’ve tried to tell myself she has no choice but to participate in these horrible, barbaric rituals and sacrifices that the gods seem to thrive on. But in the end, should it matter? She should take a stand. She should say no. Yet she doesn’t.
Over the last year, I’ve seen so much cruelty from the gods firsthand. Once they found out about me, they insisted I come to all their parties, their gatherings, their rituals. Khalasa said it was so they could keep an eye on me, make sure I’m not making any trouble. She flat-out told me I couldn’t do what I’d done again. That I couldn’t stop them from their blatant murdering.
I’ve tried to be patient. I’ve tried to be understanding. Last night she laid next to me in bed and promised it would just be a little longer until she got rid of her powers. That she was close to figuring it all out.
“Why don’t you just run away?” I asked her. “Why not just live as a goddess with me and not use your powers?”
She had scoffed at that and told me I didn’t understand.
She’s right. I don’t understand. I have this horrible feeling that if she really wanted to rid herself of this immortality, she already would’ve found a way. She’s a goddess. She has infinite resources, connections, power. Something is telling me that she’s lying to me.
So today, I woke up determined to fix all of this. Khalasa has spent years trying to figure out how to get rid of her immortality. I’ve never paid too much attention to it all. She told me not to worry about it, to focus on the things that make me happy like tending to her castle gardens.
So that’s what I’ve done. I garden and make her meals that she tells me the cook can make. But I like it too much. I like savoring the herbs and vegetables. I like the feel of the soil running through my hands. I like the satisfaction of creating something that gives others comfort and joy. Khalasa doesn’t get it, but I suppose that’s okay. She doesn’t have to get it.
But today, I didn’t go to my garden. Khalasa left early to visit her temple and receive a few offerings. While she was gone, I decided to sneak into her office and review some of the books and texts she’s been poring over. I figured maybe I could come at it with fresh eyes. I didn’t know why, but it felt like I was doing something wrong.
Why hadn’t I just asked Khalasa to give me the materials? Why did I feel the need to go behind her back? But I pushed those questions away, and I think it’s because I knew that if I let them percolate too long, I’d find answers I didn’t want to find.
I wish I hadn’t, though. I wish I’d forced myself to face those questions sooner.
I snuck into her office and dug through drawers in her desk, plucked books out of the bookshelves lining the walls. I’d sat down, and I’d read and read and read. I didn’t stop to drink or eat or even look out the window at the twilight sky. I didn’t stop until Khalasa appeared in the doorway.
“What are you doing in here?” she’d asked.
My throat closed up at seeing her. After sitting there an entire day reading through all her jumbled notes, all her theories, I’d discovered a horrible truth: this entire time, she hadn’t been searching for a way to strip herself of her godhood. She’d been searching for the opposite, a way to make someone immortal.
I told her my suspicions, and she just smiled, then told me she’d wanted to surprise me. I didn’t understand. I sat there, mind reeling, until the truth hit me. She wanted to make me immortal so we could be together forever. But it was so much worse than that.
I’ll never forget the words that came out of her mouth next. “I don’t want to make you immortal. I already have, silly.”
Dread filled me. I couldn’t speak, couldn’t move.
She’d used her scythe on me when I was sleeping. She couldn’t grant me godhood. I didn’t have the powers she or the other gods had. I could still die. But she made me immortal. Without my permission. Without even speaking to me.
“Now we can have the life, the family, we’ve always dreamed of,” she said to me, excitement shining in her eyes. “Especially now that your mother is out of the way.”
One horrible truth after another. She might not have admitted it, but I knew in that moment, she killed my mother. She saw my mother as a threat, so she got rid of her.
I felt sick as she talked about how exciting it was that we could be together forever.
I finally found my voice. “I don’t want to be together forever.”
Her face tightened and she tried to tell me I didn’t mean it.
If she could make me immortal, then there had to be a way to take away immortality. The answer had to lie somewhere here in these pages. In something I’d read today.
She didn’t want to become mortal. That was the answer I hadn’t wanted to face. Deep down, I knew why she didn’t protect any of us. I knew why she allowed the other gods to murder and start wars and use humans as pawns. I knew why she wouldn’t just run away with me.
I just didn’t want to face it, couldn’t face it, until this moment.
She tried to console me, to hug me, to tell me it wasn’t that big of a deal, but I knew what I had to do.
I got up and brushed past her without saying a word. Then I packed my small bag of things and walked out of the castle.