Chapter Twenty-Nine
One Year Later
Anthony
I didn’t just pull back, I built a shell around myself that prevented any real emotion.
If that shell got weak, I helped Mak clean the glass from time to time.
Life had crawled, minute by minute, hour by regretful hour those first few weeks.
When that sorrow cleared, my mind exploded and I damn near went off the rails.
I became so outwardly vicious that Mark started calling for me before he hit Big Vick’s number.
Sometimes, it helped. There was a release that came with beating the shit out of people. It was short lived. Once the adrenaline dump was over, I’d come back to a reality in which she was gone and the hell would start again.
I could match C.C. shot for shot with his whiskey, but the women…
I didn’t give a fuck about the women.
Most of them had learned to steer clear of me. I didn’t enjoy lashing out at them, or being bitter, but it was unavoidable. They could smile, wiggle or even grind if they were bold enough, but in the end…
It wasn’t fucking her.
She haunted me. The peace I felt with her that week felt like the most significant thing I’d ever lost… and that was a fucked-up way to feel, especially, someone who lost both parents before they were finished with middle school.
I listened to Makaveli and the mechanic from Glen Carbon going back and forth until it felt like every syllable was bouncing off my last goddamn nerve.
“Listen, though. Listen… It’s not for me. I know I fronted that half-pound off you last week, Mak. I know! And… and I’m going to pay for it. This one is for my brother.” He held the money out in a silent demand toward Makaveli.
“No, Rocky. You were supposed to fuckin’ pay for the shit last Wednesday.
I’m not stupid. This isn’t for your brother.
It’s yours. You don’t have what you owe, and you know I ain’t gonna give you no more until that debt is square.
That’s why you’re saying it is for your brother.
Hoping to get another line of credit. Do I look like some dumbass that started doing this shit yesterday? ”
“No! No, it’s not true, Mak. I told you, man. On the third, right? When my ol’ lady gets her disability check, I’m gonna pay you. I swear it, Mak. This is different. This is for Rodney, my brother.”
“I don’t give a fuck if it’s for the Devil.
Tell that motherfucker to blow me, until you’re paid square ain’t nobody getting shit.
Now, give me that, so I can see how much to knock off your tab.
” Mak tried to grab for the money, but Rocky suddenly jerked his arm away and clutched the cash behind his back.
“Fuck me,” I scoffed, pulling the forty-five out of my waistband.
Mak rocked his jaw and the guy stumbled, lost his balance and awkwardly recovered with one hand out in a plea.
“Wait, Mak,” Mak didn’t wait, he snatched the cash out of the man’s hands.
The guy swung his gaze to me and yelled, “Wait!”
But I was out of patience, too. I hugged the trigger and Mak jerked away from both of us. His eyes wide and shining with disbelief.
“What the fuck did you do that for?”
I squinted at him and put the gun away, “I’m tired of listening to his bullshit every month.”
I shrugged.
Mak’s jaw dropped and he trotted after me as I moved toward the bikes.
“Wh–? That was a paying customer.”
“Was. Once upon a time. He stopped paying on time months ago, and I’m tired of hearing his excuses.
Every month it’s the same shit. Wait, wait, my ol’ lady.
Guess what…” I hefted my shoulders again, “This is the last disability check she’ll have to waste on his sorry ass.
Rodney, apparently, has enough cash to look out for his sister-in-law, and pay for the fucking funeral. What are you worried about?”
“Ant–” I fired up the bike before he could finish my name.
It took him a mile or two to catch up with me.
He kept checking on me while we rode, I could feel his eyes boring into me when I pulled ahead at times, but he didn’t try to talk about it anymore.
When we got back to the clubhouse, he still didn’t say anything.
I went to the room in the back that I’d been staying in, and shut the door behind me.
I turned the music on and flopped down in my thinking chair. That’s what the guys called it, because I was usually sitting there staring off with my thoughts when they found me.
It had been a year since I saw her last. And yet, I could still smell her perfume if I closed my eyes. I could feel her tiny hands shaking in mine and see her sprawled signature on that marriage license.
Twenty-four hours and she would have been my wife... Why the fuck hadn’t I stayed with her and married her? Why hadn’t I taken her number?
Why did she run from me?
I’d searched every strip club between here and the Pink Cabaret. When that didn’t prove worthwhile, I opened Steel Cages.
Business was profitable, but I didn’t give a damn about the income. There was only one reason those lights were glowing again.
It was all for her.
Like some sucker, I’d thrown myself into building up the strip club just so I could sit in the back office and stare at the security cameras. Every petite blonde that entered got my hopes up… but none were ever her.
“Fuck, you ever wear them things out?” Easy scoffed, drawing me out of my thoughts.
I glanced down at the metal balls I was rolling in my hand. I hadn’t even realized I’d picked them up. I sighed, dropping my head back on the chair.
“Nah.” I tossed them down on the table a little harder than I intended.
“Did you really put a bullet in Rocky Elam?”
“Hmm?” I lazily opened my eyes and stared at him. The silence grew until he shook his head and drifted a little further into the room, letting the door close behind him.
“Ant, what are you doing?” he quietly pressed.
I shrugged my shoulders, half wishing he’d waited until Christmas to take his military leave. I couldn’t be putting on fake smiles all the time.
Holidays I managed for Aunt Daisy, but fuck… This wasn’t a special occasion, and he was in my sanctuary, I wasn’t going to pretend today.
“Living my best life, E. What the fuck does it look like?”
“Your best li– There is ass for days downstairs, man. Are you serious right now?” He glanced around the empty four walls and then back at me. “You don’t even have a television.”
“Don’t need a TV.” I shrugged.
“You know, you’ll never…” Our gaze locked and he must have read the warning in my eyes, because he abruptly switched lanes, “I’m saying, you can’t date from a box. You gotta step out of the box and move on.”
“I’m not trying to date anyone.”
His lips pressed together, and I thought he was going to leave it alone, but eventually he pressed, “So, don’t date. Just enjoy them…”
I snorted and stared at him.
“Isolation isn’t healthy, alright.”
“Isolated? So far today, I’ve listened to you, Mak, Rocky, and Ol’ George wasting air. How the fuck does that happen, if I’m isolated?”
“You function as much as you have to, and then you isolate. You know, most normal guys would have at least put a dating app on their phone or something.”
I groaned, recalling how he and Oak had put that one red icon app on my phone. Swipe left, swipe right.
Fuck my life.
“I already did that shit. You and Oak aren’t dragging me down that road a second time.”
“You never even met anyone!” Easy shot back. “You wasted some poor girl’s time for a few messages and likely never said boo again.”
“That’s not true,” I smirked, “She sent nudes, I matched. The next thing I know, the bitch was telling me if I didn’t give her two thousand dollars she was gonna publish the damn thing.”
He looked dumbfounded for a minute, which I couldn’t blame him for. I’d never told anyone what became of that red icon adventure. When he realized I was serious, the corner of his mouth started to twitch, and I could tell he was struggling not to laugh.
“Some chick tried to extort you, over a dick pic?”
“Fuck, yeah, she did.” I side-eyed him, and he lost it.
“What the fuck. Did you pay her?”
“Fuck, no. Two thousand dollars…,” I looked at him like he was insane, “I told her to make that dick famous.”
His deep laughter broke my resolve and I snorted, shaking my head as I laughed a little, too.
“I hate seeing you like this, though.”
I shrugged, “Got a lamp? Something to give me three wishes? I only need one.”
Easy smiled and sighed, “You really loved her, I mean… after just a few days?”
I opened my mouth, but I didn’t immediately have the words to explain it to him. I knew her for days, but my soul… it recognized her like we’d lived a thousand lives together. There was something just…
God, I couldn’t say it, but I felt it.
“She was meant for me. She’s it, Eric. You don’t get it.” I looked over when he didn’t respond and found him fishing a card out of his wallet. He pushed some coke around on a mirror and cleaned it, before offering me the plate.
I held my hand out in a silent denial. My thoughts were already drifting; I wasn’t trying to race with my current mindset.
“Don’t you go back tomorrow?” I belatedly asked.
He rubbed his nose with his fingers and shrugged, his brow raising in that smart-assed way that all but asked who I was to judge.
“Right.” I cleared my throat, and my attention shifted to the stress balls.
“What is so special about her?” he gently asked.
I sighed, hating when people asked that. They always got nasty and assumed it was purely lust. It wasn’t. I smashed. If the only thing that was for her was my cock, I’d have forgotten her by now.
“You know, the night—” My mouth went dry as it always did, when I tried to speak about the loss of our parents.
“The night it happened, that was the last time I went to bed and laid down without issue. I closed my eyes and sleep welcomed me. Ever since I’ve dreaded laying down.
My mind doesn’t shut off. It just loops and loops.
The memories. The bad times mostly. Shit, I wish I’d have done differently, or maybe I shouldn’t have said.
I don’t sleep until I’ve tortured myself for staying at Mark’s house that night.
Why did I have to spend the night with Mak?
Why didn’t I stay home. If I was there, I’d have smelled the shit when he started his cook.
I always did. I’d have probably heard him cussing and bitching and slamming shit around like he always did when he got up to it. If I was–”
“Anthony,” Easy spat, his voice full of horror. The sound jerked me out of my manic trauma-dump.
I sucked in a startled breath and apologetically smiled.
It was his injury, too.
“Sorry– Just… When I’m with her… When I was with her,” I amended, with a gentle toss of my head, “It was like I made up for all that lost sleep. I fucking died in that bed with her, and I didn’t think of any of that shit.
It was gone. I wasn’t hashing over the past; I was where I was meant to be.
I stumble and bumble around, just… No connection really to anyone or anything. ”
I realized that sounded cold, considering he was my brother, “Not–not like that. I mean, I have you and I have Daisy, but this was… It was different, E.”
“I get it.” Easy nodded, scratching at his stubble.
He dropped his head like he was about to say something profound, but then he sighed and stared up at me.
“What?” I laughed.
“If you love her so much, why did you let her go?” Easy laughed.
His laughter cut through me. It was like he hadn’t heard a goddamn thing I’d been saying for the past year. “What the fuck was I supposed to do? Huh? She relocated, changed jobs, and left no word…”
He stared, unmoved.
“What?”
“Nobody in this world is invisible, Anthony. If you wanted to find her, you would.” He shrugged, and I wanted to slug him.
“What the fuck do you mean, ‘if?’ I fucking walked into a courthouse and straight up bought a government license to give her my name, Easy. I’m not talking about some fucking cock gobbler that I fed dreams to, or a mistake I put a property stamp on.
She was supposed to be my forever, alright? My ride or die. My fucking wife.”
That unimpressed, dead stare infuriated me the longer it lingered on his face.
“You know I’m a marine right?”
I groaned and wiped my face. It was the coke. It had to be the coke making him senseless.
“I’m saying, if we can find a terrorist hiding in a hole across the world, how fucking hard can it be to track down a stripper?”
Could he track her?
The hostility and tension slowly drained away, and my face relaxed.
“If it is so fucking easy then track her. Fuck. You can see I’m going crazy, right?”
He made a delighted, throaty sound that sent my jaw to the floor and my temper spiraling, even before I heard the bullshit that dribbled from his coked-out lips.
“Remember when we was little, and you used to–”
“Eric, I swear on all–”
“You used to say, ‘I ain’t never gonna ask you for shit…’” he gleefully carried on.
My jaw set so tight, I was surprised it didn’t bust. I had to force myself to exhale, before I managed to huff, “That was this morning, fuckface.”
He laughed and swatted the air between us with a snort.
“Jesus, Joseph, and Mary. Put that shit away would ya. Come back in the morning when you aren’t so high you don’t know what you’re babbling about. I’m not in the mood,” I warned him.
He pulled it together a little, but the grin remained, “Even when I’m like this, I’m brighter than you.”
“Fuck off, Eric,” I growled.
“Apologize to Oak, and I’ll help you.”
My whole face pinched up. “What?”
“Remember the day you lashed out at him about his dream girl?”
I scoffed and rolled my eyes.
“She was his dream girl and you’re a brother to him, Anthony. So, he’ll never look at her like that again. Not because you showed your ass, because he loves you and he’s loyal. Make it right with him, and I’ll get you in touch with her.”
His confidence was unnerving. Did he know how to reach her?
I kept my eye on him and pulled the phone from my cut.