18. Chapter 18
Mason
“You told me your story, so it’s only fair that I tell you mine. It’s nowhere near as tragic, but it did change me. And him.”
Jinx’s fingers dig gently into my chest. “This is about Jude dying, right?”
“It was my fault.”
“Wait. Hold up. You didn’t…” He pulls away from me, but I drag him back.
“No, Jinx. I didn’t murder him, if that’s what you’re implying. It was… an accident, but my fault nonetheless.”
“So what happened?”
“My parents were visiting my apartment back in New York. They’d moved out of the city a year before, so they wanted to see me.
I was at work, and Mom was doing her thing, cleaning my place, being her usual busy-body self, even when I told her not to.
She always had to be involved in everything.
She was very… traditional, I guess you could say.
Clear, definitive, old-fashioned roles between men and women… ”
“Let me guess… She found out you were dating a man?”
I nod and pull him closer to me. He rests his leg over my thigh and continues to play with my chest hair.
It’s relaxing when my mind starts waging war with itself.
I haven’t told anyone my story other than my therapist, so my brain wants me to shut up.
I have to force myself to continue. If Jinx can do it, so can I.
“It’s more than that, but yes.” I roll onto my back and tuck a hand under my head.
Jinx rests on my shoulder, facing me, but I can’t look at him.
“My apartment had three bedrooms. It was a big deal. I could finally afford a place that wasn’t a tiny studio.
It wasn’t the nicest, but it was big. I kept one bedroom as my office and a place where…
Jude and I would have our sessions. That was where I kept our toys and such…
” I run a hand through my hair as my stomach turns.
I have a love-hate relationship with the memories of Jude.
“The door was locked. Nothing fancy. Just locked from the inside. It was easy to open, and Mom wanted to know why it was locked, so she broke in. I told them to stay out. It was for work and private, but… she was fucking nosy.”
“That’s not nice. Why couldn’t she respect your boundaries? It sucks because I never had privacy growing up. Ever.”
I huff a laugh, but there’s no humor in it.
“She was… controlling, certainly, but she was a good mom. My parents only wanted what was best for me and to have me do well in life, something they struggled to achieve. Typical of immigrant parents. I did everything I was told for the most part. But I had a private life they weren’t a part of, and I wanted to keep it that way.
They would never accept me being gay or respect my sexual proclivities.
They weren’t hateful people, but they had a clear path for me, and I shouldn’t deviate.
Immigrant guilt is a real thing. My parents were also devout Catholics, so there’s that.
I was fine with my life separate from theirs—until they discovered it. ”
“I guess they weren’t too happy.”
A bitter laugh escapes me. “Understatement. They were shocked. Furious. I remember coming home to find all the objects and toys I used on Jude laid out on the kitchen table, my parents staring at them. I felt like… Have you ever had one of those dreams where you go to school in your underwear?”
“Can’t say I have. I’ve never been to school, but I get what you mean.”
“Well, that’s how I felt. Raw and exposed. Humiliated. And in the middle of all that was a framed picture of Jude and me. I felt betrayed. Angry. But I was also afraid.”
I roll back over to face Jinx and press my nose into his hair, inhaling his scent, smelling so much like me. Soon, I get lost in a place I’ve avoided for years.
Mom waves a hand over the objects on the table, her face a combination of confusion and anger, her dark brown eyes watering. “What is this?” she asks in Italian.
My mind is a jumble, trying to come up with lies, but I’m drawing a blank. I don’t have answers she’ll understand.
My stomach turns, and I feel like I’m going to be sick. I know there’s nothing wrong with being a Dom or loving a man. I’m thirty-one, for fuck’s sake. But they won’t see it that way. I shouldn’t feel guilty, but I do.
“I told you to stay out of there.” That’s all I can say. I can’t explain what a spreader, a flogger, or a humbler is. They’re things that Jude picked out for himself. He loves them. Despite my words, it’s clear they’re sexual.
“Deviant!” Mom hisses.
Dad has been quiet since I walked in, refusing to look at me. I’m not sure which is worse.
“You didn’t belong in there, Mama!” I snap back. “This is my space!” I yell in Italian since they don’t speak English well. The guilt hits me even harder because I never yell back at my parents. They worked so hard to help me succeed. They sacrificed so much. My childhood was loving, too.
“And who is this?”
I sigh and sit down at the table. I reach for the photograph, the only one of Jude and me.
“I have these things for him. He’s not only my boyfriend but my sub.
I’ve been a Dom… dominant since college.
” I set the picture down and stare at the table.
It’s all out now. “There’s nothing wrong with it,” I explain.
“Lots of people do this. I just like… having control, power. It feels good. You wouldn’t understand. ”
“No, we do not understand,” Mom snaps. Then the tears start, and she wails. “You are a sinful boy!”
“I’m not a boy, Mama.”
But I feel like one right now. They’ve reduced me from a thirty-one-year-old to a thirteen-year-old.
“You are a sinner. You lie with a man and use these… evil things.”
“Mama… Papa… Please. This isn’t evil. I’m not a sinner. I’m a good person. Jude is a good person. I love him.”
“Love?!” she scoffs. “Men marry women! They have babies. I deserve grandchildren after all I’ve done for you.”
There is no way I’ll live a life married to a woman. I can’t pretend I’m not gay for the rest of my life. I’ll slowly suffocate and die.
Dad stands and clasps his hands behind his back.
“Your mother is right. You will start attending church again and beg for forgiveness.” His tone is quiet but filled with an authority I’d never been able to achieve, even as a Dom.
“You will get rid of these… things. And you will never see that man again. If you disobey me, you will never see us again. You bring shame to our family. We cannot accept you into our lives if you choose this deviant life.”
It’s not a choice, I yell in my head.
Mom’s chin lifts proudly because Dad is siding with her. No surprise there. They’ve always been a united front when it comes to me.
I drop my head to hide the tears forming. I’m at a crossroads: Jude or my family. No, I wouldn’t just be losing Jude if I agreed to my dad’s terms. I’d be losing a part of myself. Not just as a gay man, but as a Dom, which has become such a huge part of who I am.
When I say nothing, Mom also stands. “So be it,” she says when I don’t respond.
Panic courses through me. I love them. They mean well. Maybe in time, I can convince them to love all of me. I can’t risk losing them. “Fine! Just… love me for who I am. Please.”
Mom rests her hand on top of my head. “We do love you, which is why we’re so disappointed. It is why we want you to be the best you can be. But that’s not as a sinner, son. This is reckless. You will burn in hell.”
I wouldn’t. While I’m also Catholic, I don’t really follow the faith. I just don’t see things the way they do. My only choice is to wait and work on them to accept me as a gay man. But I’ll have to let Jude go, and I don’t want to. I love him so much. He’s also the most perfect sub I’ve ever had.
“Fine,” I say again and stand. I can’t look at them as I walk off and lock myself in my bedroom. When I hear them leave, I come out and put all the toys back in the room. I’ll throw them away in the morning.
My gut and heart feel empty, like I just lost part of my soul.
“So, let me get this straight… Having parents is just as bad as not having any? Ugh. And here I am, wishing I had a family and wasn’t stolen or bought.”
I lift his chin to look at me. “There are a lot of good parents out there. Some are bad, some are wonderful, just like everyone else in this world. You’ve come across so many bad people.
It’s easy not to see the good in others after what you’ve been through.
My parents were just… their belief system was true to them.
God was law. It’s just ignorance. They weren’t bad people. ”
“I’m sorry your parents didn’t accept you,” he says with the sweetest eyes, filled with empathy.
I smile and kiss his forehead. “Who says you’re not affectionate?”
“Me. My girlfriends.”
“But you like to hold people at night.”
“That’s for me, not them.”
“Still—”
Jinx presses a finger to my lips. “Nope. We’re done talking about me. So, what happened to Jude?”
It was easier to talk about my parents’ shock and anger. Talking about Jude… With a shuddered breath, I close my eyes and force myself to face that day.
“I told him we had to end things. He… didn’t take it well.
Hell, I wasn’t doing much better. I didn’t realize the extent of his feelings for me.
Yes, we loved each other. But Jude begged to stay with me.
God… the tears and sobbing. It crushed me.
I resented my parents at that moment for putting me in this position.
Forcing me to make a choice. Giving me an ultimatum. In the end, I chose my parents.”
I pull away from Jinx and sit on the edge of the bed, running my fingers through my hair. I just can’t look at him right now. He also sits up, but noticing I need distance, he doesn’t touch me.
“As soon as he slammed the door behind him when he left, I regretted it instantly. I couldn’t live without him. I can’t just stop being gay. But I was broken on the floor. It took me a while to gather myself before I chased after him. If I didn’t find him on the street, I knew he’d be at home.”
“Did he… commit…”