Chapter Five
Tomás
I broke my promise.
My knee bounced up and down. Up and down. The tap tap tap sound of the heel of my Jordans against the floor set a rhythm for the last twenty-four hours of my life.
Tap. I broke up with Kieran.
Tap. I took pills. I never took pills.
Tap. Amir was dead.
It’d been cold last night. I hated the cold. And in the mountains, there were only two seasons. Winter and spring. Summer and autumn bumped over each other to get out of the way.
Kieran had left in December. The first week he’d been gone the guys picked up on my prickly mood. Wren had commented on my change of behavior, fishing for answers I couldn’t give him. Luckily, River distracted him. They were morons. But they were happy morons who were together. Henry didn’t even bother to look at me. Since he’d been keeping to his room, I didn’t take offense. And Fox just glared at me at every opportunity. I knew he only tolerated me because of Kieran. They were best friends. With Kieran gone I had a standing bet with myself on how long it’d take Fox to bury me in the backyard. Being dead first not necessary.
During the first weeks of Kieran’s absence, our scheduled calls had turned to random texting. Then silence. I couldn’t stay at Arcas without him and Dasher had suggested I move into Harper House. Amir and Morgan had an available room. Jack’s room. Dasher didn’t know that Jack tried to kill me. Kieran killed him in front of me. Nobody knew. One day Jack left school and never came back. I wondered what happened when the cops found him and his mother dead in that house. I wondered about the obol Wren had left in his mouth. Jack and I were separated by distance, but we had lived a similar life. My mother was a druggie. His mother had died of an overdose. He had wanted to hurt the man that killed his father, my half-brother Maddox, by using me. As if Maddox would give a fuck that Jack had killed me. I had wanted to kill Maddox for killing my father and brother. Like Jack, I had wanted vengeance so bad it hurt. Except I’d been a coward. I hadn’t had bullets in the gun when I finally faced Maddox. Jack had been unlucky. He had bullets but the gun jammed in my face.
If Kieran hadn’t showed up when he had, I would’ve been dead.
Jack’s room wasn’t as big as the one I had at Arcas. It had a full-size bed, its own bathroom, a dresser and desk. The walls were pale. The paint lifted where I imagined Jack had put posters. There were scratches along the floorboards. The light above was missing the light fixture. Amir had stood at the doorway watching me. “They took his stuff without explanation.”
“Who?” I had asked.
“The reapers.” Amir’s dark eyes scanned the room before he shook his head and walked away.
The reapers. I had a nightmare that night that the reapers had come for me, but I hadn’t been dead yet.
Seventy-seven days after Kieran left, Amir had introduced me to echo. A new drug that promised a virtual experience. A high like no other. My brain chemistry was already troubleshooting ways to be normal. I wasn’t going to fuck that shit up with pills.
Amir gave me a look that said one day I’d change my mind.
I didn’t know then that Amir had been right.
“He’s well, considering,” Dr. Casera said into the phone, eyeballing me with a look that said I better be well, or he’d make me very unwell. And don’t let the look of academia he wore fool you. No, sir. Casera knew the deepest, darkest secrets of every student at Arcadia University. The ultimate keeper of secrets. I’d been waiting in his office for questioning after I’d hauled Amir out of the lake. “Yes, of course,” Dr. Casera said to Maddox over the phone. “I have sent notice and am awaiting the delegates’ arrival. They will be here within seventy-two hours.”
I swallowed the thick wad stuck in my throat. The last time some kid died within the property, the killer’s whole bloodline had been erased. Rule number one of Arcadia law. The twenty-seven thousand acres that surrounded the property was a protective sanctuary. With a hundred or so students living on campus anchored to a crime family, the rule worked to prevent Arcadia turning into a blood bath. There were other rules but this one seemed to be the most relevant to my current situation.
Casera’s blue eyes landed on me. “Of course. I’ll do what I can.”
I shifted in my seat.
“The school is currently on lockdown of course. Discretion is of the utmost importance. Yes, sir.” Dr. Casera continued with the yes sirs until he finally hung up. He looked relieved for a few seconds before his attention landed on me again.
I wanted to ask what Maddox had said. My half-brother had been trying to get me out of the school, but I had ignored all of his summons. Was he coming for me? Did he care? But I bit my tongue as Casera clasped his hands on top of his desk. “Tomás,” he started. “How did you come about finding Amir?”
I ran my palms along my thighs. The scrubs they’d lent me after I got my clothes wet did nothing to abate the cold. I’d turned numb from it about an hour ago. With nothing else to do, I’d gotten high and called Kieran. Honestly, I thought he wouldn’t answer. He’d been ditching my calls for weeks and the one time I was ready to leave a message he had answered. I couldn’t get the sound of the woman moaning out of my head. Kieran had never wanted to be gay. He’d never wanted me.
It was all the coaxing I needed to try echo. I had wanted to drift out of this fucking nightmare and the chance to live in a virtual reality of my own making sounded good, so I took the pills.
I remembered the phone call with Kieran. I remembered taking the pills. I’d gone into the bathroom to relieve myself.
I didn’t remember coming out.
The next thing I knew, I’d been shocked out of myself by the cold water when I’d jumped in to save Amir.
“Is he…” I couldn’t even say dead. I already knew. He’d been unresponsive. A layer of frost had covered his clothes, icicles hung on his long lashes, his brown eyes open, unseeing. “Amir was pronounced dead at 12:34 AM, this morning.”
Although I knew, it felt different knowing . I wasn’t new to losing friends. I lost plenty of them living the gang life, but this place was supposed to be different. This place was supposed to be safe.
Dad had taught all of us what to do in case we were ever arrested. All I remembered was to say nothing until he sent a lawyer. And a dead body was always cause for a lawyer. “Don’t I get a lawyer?”
Dr. Casera didn’t even look like he wanted to be nice anymore. “I understand that you were acquired late.”
Acquired. As if I were furniture. Maddox may have bought me from my moms, but I wasn’t furniture. I said nothing.
“But Arcadia and its surrounding property have very different rules. You knew this coming in. Within the boundaries we are the law and unless you want to see your entire bloodline erased, I suggest you start talking.”
“Would that be the Brennan side? Since, you know, Maddox adopted me and technically, I am a Brennan.”
The irony of the whole Brennan bloodline being erased because of a Moya almost made me laugh considering Maddox had planned on erasing the Moya bloodline himself. He’d started by killing my dad and brother, Miguel.
“Yes,” Dr. Casera said firmly. “That would include Kieran Brennan, since he has been legitimized.”
Well, fuck me sideways. And that he knew mentioning Kieran would unsettle me was further proof that Casera knew everything . Kieran’s best friends didn’t even know he was gay. “You’re not worth coming out for, Tomás.” The sound of Kieran’s voice hit me hard. “Why the fuck would I give a shit about you?”
I shut my eyes. No. Kieran hadn’t said that.
“Tomás?”
I considered lying to Casera, but I wasn’t a good liar. I forced my eyes to open. The world rippled around me. I promised myself never to do drugs again. “May I go to the restroom?”
Dr. Casera sighed but nodded.
I practically ran out of his office grateful it was too early for anyone to be at school. My heart was beating madly. The world not quite right. I used the toilet and started washing my hands when I looked at my reflection. My curls hung scattered around my face. My eyes too wide, the whites red. My lips too pink, too plump, and my features soft. It all looked wrong on me. No wonder Kieran never came back. He’d missed a semester of school and never meant to return to Arcadia. Instead, he decided to stay with the Brennans and fuck his way out of being gay. The moans I’d heard drilled into my head and my imagination did the rest.
He’d chosen his new mafia life over me and I’d broken the promise I made of waiting until he was ready.
But you know why he never came back. You’re not good enough.
I ran a heavy hand down my face. My body morphing, changing. My skin not my own.
You’re not worth it.
“I am worth it!” I cried. “I’m worth someone who loves me. Who wants to be with me. Who doesn’t see me as a dirty little secret. I’m not a secret!”
The world tilted.
I clutched the sink to steady myself. I felt wrong. The world felt wrong around me. My skin felt wrong. I didn’t belong here.
I shut my eyes as the onslaught of memories came barreling back inside “Do what you’re told. It’s all you had to do but you couldn’t even do that,” My mother’s voice replaced Kieran’s.
Do as I’m told meant doing what he wanted. The lies … they festered. The rot always found a way out. I couldn’t. No. I felt fucking dirty all over. It clung to my skin, under my flesh. Inside me. It made my stomach churn. Saliva crowded my mouth and I managed to make it to the toilet. I spewed until I felt my head about to burst. I returned to the sink, slurped water and rinsed my mouth. The face in the mirror haunted me.
I wasn’t good enough for them. For him .
“Don’t fight me, Tomasito. I don’t want to fight you. I’m not the enemy.” The kindness of his words made me believe him. But they’d been a lie. A fucking lie!
I didn’t want to remember. I shouldn’t have taken the pills. The drugs still ran through my veins, slicing me open and spilling out all the rot inside me.
I had to get the fuck out of my mind.
The room swayed on its axis. Everything skewed. Using the wall to guide me, I reached the door. Please open. Please open.
It did.
Dr. Casera stood just outside the bathroom waiting for me. He was an imposing man. But in moments, I’d seen kindness in his eyes. I was a sucker for morsels of kindness.
“Tomás, are you okay?” He actually sounded concerned for me and it made my eyes water.
“No.”
He cupped my elbow as we walked. My focus completely on his hand on me. The anchor I needed to remain on solid ground. We returned to his office, but this time we sat opposite each other instead of him behind the desk. He made a phone call to Dr. Shanahan. He was going to send me to the hospital.
“Tomás, I need you to tell me what happened.”
I told him about going to Jack’s with Amir. About the drugs. I may have told him about Kieran. My words ran over each other. But I couldn’t tell him how I ended up dragging a dead Amir out of the lake. I couldn’t remember that part. He remained impassive and I wondered if he’d vote to have my bloodline erased when they found me guilty of Amir’s death.
But I didn’t kill Amir.
“What happens now?”
“Each of the four founding families will be sending a team of delegates to investigate the death.”
My throat felt dry, my tongue heavy. “And what happens if they find it’s not an accident?”
“Let’s just hope it doesn’t come to that. For all of our sakes.”
I imagined a lynch mob, Pirates of the Caribbean style, with all the Brennans lined up as the other families sang the pirate song. Then Casera would kick out the stools, sending us into a short drop. I cupped my neck.
“I don’t believe you had anything to do with the death, but my belief means nothing. Before they arrive, I’d like to have something definitive to give them. Something to steer them away from you as a suspect. And you are the only one that can give me the information I need.”
“The drugs.”
“Yes, the drugs. If we can determine what it was, if it had any hallucinogenic properties that would lead us to believe Amir to have been under its influence and we don’t find traces of a struggle…” he trailed on but the rest faded.
Movement behind Dr. Casera caught my attention. I blinked away the haze, but Miguel Moya remained standing behind the man. His complexion ashen like the dead. His hair stuck out in patches on his otherwise bald head, and his skin was mottled with burn scars. One eye stared at me, while the other oozed on his cheek. He wore his trademark black t-shirt, dark jeans, and boots. His arms crossed in front of his scrawny chest as he stared down at me. The family insanity just at the surface. My brother was insane while alive. He was dead. We buried him with Dad.
“You better make your story count, or you and Nick are dead men,” he said. Nick. My sisters. They were Moya. They would be erased too.
“Tomás?” Dr. Casera looked over his shoulder then back to me.
Miguel smirked. “Benefits of being dead. The living can’t see me. Well, just you.”
I swallowed hard and shut my eyes. He’s not real. He’s not real.
“Tomás?” Dr. Casera said again.
I opened my eyes and the space behind Casera returned to normal. No dead brother. I dragged my eyes back to Casera who no longer wore the mask of indifference. The one he wore now was worse. He thought I was a loon. And despite sensitivity training, most people believed loons could kill.
But I didn’t kill anybody.
“No,” Miguel said into my ear behind me . “But you’re the reason Jack is dead. And you’ll be the reason they get Nick too.”
“Tomás,” Dr. Casera said firmly. “Are you experiencing hallucinations?”
I shook my head, unable to voice the lie.
Miguel started to laugh making his eye bounce up and down against his cheek. I jumped to my feet and spun to get the fuck out of that office, but Jack stood there blocking my way out. Blood spurted from the stab wound on his neck. His mouth opened and closed, but no sound came out. Nothing could come out. Kieran had stuck the blade clean through his vocals. Then Jack fell and we had done nothing to help him. I had done nothing but listen to him gasp as he died.
I couldn’t be here. I had to get the fuck out. I launched myself at the door, jumping over Jack. I pulled hard, ignoring Casera yelling, “Stop him!”
Stop who?
The answer to that was me. That became apparent when strong arms wrapped around me. A scream echoed in the hallway. It took a moment for me to realize it was me. That voice was mine.
“No!” I cried out.
The guy didn’t hesitate. More strong hands were on me, twisting, contorting me to secure my wrists. I was on my stomach, my arms behind me. Kicking and screaming. “I didn’t do anything!”
Liar.
I heard Jack’s voice.
“You’re the reason I’m dead.”
I started to scream.