Chapter Nine
Tomás
There were things I clearly remembered about my time with Enzo and there were things, especially as I got older, that I couldn’t remember.
I remembered the first time moms had sent me to him. There’d been a driver wearing a black suit and sunglasses. He reminded me of the Men in Black people. His face was even serious the way they were in the movie. As if he didn’t have facial muscles. Although I couldn’t see his eyes behind the glasses, I knew his type. He wouldn’t feel guilty about throwing me out of a moving car.
I may have been young—ten years old—but age meant shit when you saw what I’d seen. And I remembered the car. A black, sleek sedan with chrome rims and tinted windows. Despite the heat outside, the leather seats inside were cold against my skin. I’d worn a short basketball set with some Nikes. It was a clear summer day. I played with the window, pushing the button that makes it go up and down because I liked the soft pop it made every time it changed directions. That went on for a few minutes until the driver locked the window.
As we reached the city, I pressed my nose against the glass trying to get a look at the top of the buildings. They were so high. One of the buildings had been under construction and they had a crane with beams. My stomach protested at seeing those people up there.
I hated heights.
We parked underground, so I couldn’t tell which building we’d gone into, and used the elevator to climb to the top, or almost to the top. I remembered the place was big. Tall windows overlooking the city, but that hadn’t been what drew my attention.
Near one of the windows stood a black, shiny piano. A Steinway, I learned later. It called to me like a siren, and I wanted to touch it. To feel the smoothness under my fingertips. To listen to the sounds I could make with it. I wanted that so bad.
But the driver squeezed my shoulder and led me to the couch instead. I plopped down, my eyes drawn to the piano. At least until a man entered the living room.
He was tall. He had dark hair, dark eyes, and was old. At least my mom’s age. He wore dark slacks, his shirt untucked, and his silver watch caught the light, throwing prisms of colors on the furniture. I liked the light as much as I liked the piano. But I couldn’t touch either. Maybe that was why I liked them. I was always drawn to things I couldn’t have.
The man smiled as he took a seat in front of me. “Tomás,” he said, “do you know why you’re here?”
I shook my head.
“Your mother sold you to me,” he said, wearing that smile.
I didn’t know what to do. I couldn’t jump out the window and I didn’t think I could make it to the door before Man in Black caught me.
“Do you know what that means?” he asked.
Yeah. It meant he was going to hurt me. I shook my head, swallowing hard. Daniel wouldn’t let mom’s pimp hurt me. Would he?
“It means that you’re mine.”
Although I tried not to cry, I felt that tightness in my throat.
“I’m not going to hurt you, Tomás. I want to protect you. If your mother sold you to me, it means no one else can hurt you. She and I have an understanding. I need you to understand this. Do you understand?”
“If you’re not a pervert, why am I here?” I blurted.
He chuckled and I didn’t feel so afraid. He leaned back and eyed the piano. “Do you want to play it?”
Yeah, but I didn’t want to tell him that. “It looks expensive. I might break it.”
The smile on his face remained. “It’s a Steinway. Very expensive. And as long as you let me teach you, I’m sure you won’t break it.” He cocked his head, waiting for an answer as if I could say no. I didn’t, of course. I mean, who would say no to that. Like I couldn’t say no to the other times he took me places—my first musical, my first live play, Broadway. He’d been my best friend. A brother. He’d been family. And what he said was true. Whenever moms had her freaks over, they didn’t dare touch me. For the first time I didn’t have to be afraid.
Until Daniel took his vows and we moved closer to our dad. Things started to change. I didn’t see him often, and whenever he wanted to hang out, I’d been busy with my dad and La Sagrada Sangre. Then, whenever I did go see him, everything felt off. Like a veil had been lifted, I didn’t feel right anymore. He bought me clothes that didn’t feel right on my body. He wanted me to listen to certain music, to talk a certain way. I felt like a dog being trained. Then one day I said no. I wasn’t going to go to him. My moms had gone ballistic. The first couple of times, I ran before the Man in Black made it to the house. Except the last time.
The last time I didn’t get a chance to run. She hadn’t told me he was coming. The last time, everything changed.
“Tomás?”
Kieran’s voice brought me out of my headspace.
I hated that Kieran twisted all my insides. Again. And again. But I also loved how he kept coming back to me. I loved his possessiveness, even his anger. The warmth and strength of his body shielded me from the monsters trying to invade my mind.
But if he knew what happened to me, he’d think I was a pervert. He’d think something was wrong with me. I felt the wrongness deep in my chest.
I was broken.
“Talk to me.”
“Are you gay?” I asked. The thought of him trying to fuck himself free of being gay didn’t make sense, but I needed to know.
“Yes. I’m gay.”
“I’m sorry.” Though I didn’t know what I was sorry for.
He sighed. I wasn’t sure if it was a sigh of being tired of having this conversation with me, or being with me, or just in general. But then he gave me a soft kiss on my shoulder, and I felt as if I could breathe again. “I haven’t been with anyone else, Tomás,” he said. “I’m not trying to fuck the gay out of me.”
I chuckled and he did too. “I’m sorry I said that.”
“I forgive you.”
His brand between my thumb and forefinger meant he was mine as much as I was his. He protected me. Always. I wanted to believe that so damn much. I needed to believe that despite how his words burned through me. Was this my life now? Opting for that slight acceptance when I wanted more? Kieran wanted a no-strings-attached lover. He’d give me monogamy, but nothing else. He’d said it. He hadn’t lied about what he expected us to be. Which should’ve been a relief considering my past.
I shut my eyes and felt the tears stain my cheeks. That’s what they were. A stain. “My moms. When I was ten, she sold me to a man.”
I felt Kieran’s sharp intake of breath against my neck. I shouldn’t have told him this. I knew that he’d go find Enzo and kill him, and I didn’t want Kieran’s soul further tainted because of me. He’d once said I was the light to his darkness, I wanted to be that for him.
But I couldn’t.
I wasn’t.
And I needed to remember the last time. The not knowing ate at me. And Kieran could help me sort everything out. He had resources I didn’t. He would be able to find Enzo if only I asked. I wasn’t the asking type, and my head was too damn full of shit I couldn’t sort through.
“I just … I’m fucked up. Sometimes, I feel broken, put together like a jigsaw puzzle with all the pieces mixed up. The man, Enzo, he was nice at first. Like a second dad. He taught me how to play the piano, how to sing. Said I was good. I liked his praise. I … I think I loved him.” I felt sick now. “I wanted to be good for him. He cared about me like nobody else. But then…” I shut my eyes, seeing glimpses of memories that wouldn’t solidify. “Something happened, but I can’t remember. The drugs I took with Amir opened up something inside of me and the memories feel like they’re pounding inside my head, screaming to get out, but I can’t remember. Not all of it. And I feel, I feel, like I have to know what happened.” I didn’t know what I expected Kieran to say. What could he say? But I appreciated the stillness between us. I appreciated him there, with me, even though it wouldn’t last.
He brushed his lips against the back of my neck sending sparks throughout my body. “Tell me what you need, Tomás.” The whispered words sent blood to my cock. “Tell me how to fix this.”
Did he mean us? Did he mean Enzo?
The answer to fixing me was clear. Sex was all he wanted. We couldn’t be more, but we could have each other’s body. To forget.
Then I felt his hands skim my waist, gently running his fingers along the curve of my hip until his long fingers cupped my cock. His lips glided against the shell of my ear. “Talk to me, baby. Please.” Kieran sounded wrecked. I’d never heard him sound so pained. “What do you need? Do you need control? I’ll give you that.” He planted a soft kiss on my neck. “Take what you need from me, baby. Fuck me, Tomás. I need you inside me.”
His words scorched my body. But I couldn’t move. Not until he leaned into my space, his breath on my ear and whispered, “Make me yours.”
I turned onto my back. His eyes didn’t leave mine. They were galaxies within galaxies of colors. And I wanted to get lost in them. I cupped his face and led his lips against my mouth in a feral kiss. A kiss filled with desperation and lust. Something potent and so fucking right. Keiran. This was Kieran. My heart, my soul, my other half.
After suffering for so long without him, being mentally drained, tortured, scared, I just let myself feel. His lips against mine. The way he tensed as I cupped his neck, dug my fingers into his hair, deepened the kiss. Everything I couldn’t say was wrapped in that kiss. In the frenzied movements as we tore out of our clothes. The heat of his skin on mine pushed every other fucked up thought out of my head.
I pushed him onto his back, straddled him, slotting our hard cocks together while never breaking the kiss. He bit my lower lip, breathing hard. “Tomás,” he breathed. His fingers dug into my ass, pulled me deeper, chasing the friction we both needed.
“I want you,” I breathed into his neck, tasting him, sucking him hard at the juncture between neck and shoulder. “Please.”
“I’m yours, Tomás. I’ve always been yours.”
I swallowed the beautiful lie with a bruising kiss. The words tasted like sweet poison on my tongue. He wasn’t mine. He’d never be mine. Not in all the ways I wanted him.
But I had this. Now.
I pulled away from his lips, trailed kisses down his chest, twirled my tongue against his hard nipple, and lower.
The blunt head of his cock was thick and glazed with precum. I didn’t even think before I stretched my lips over his crown and sucked his cock to the back of my throat. He hissed at the contact and jerked his hips, pushing deeper into my mouth. The scent of winter woods and clean air filled my senses. The scent all him. His hands dug into my curls. A softer touch than I deserved.
He arched back, giving me a good look at his body and the column of his throat as his moans pushed out of his parted lips. I wanted him to feel as vulnerable as he made me every fucking time he looked at me. I ran my tongue around his girth, needing to take everything he gave me. I couldn’t have his heart, but I could have this. Power over his body. Control. It was the best aphrodisiac I could ever allow myself to have with Kieran.
“Fuck, Tomás, wait.”
I didn’t listen. I was a man on a mission. Fuck him. My own erection painfully rubbed against the bed. I didn’t care. He threw his head back and his whole body trembled under me. I felt his cock pulse in my mouth. He was ready to blow. I opened my eyes to watch his beautiful body. The desire in his expression. Lips parted. So close. So beautiful. The sensations rolling through me made me dizzy and high. Fucking high. Kieran Brennan was my fucking drug and I was addicted to him.
My stomach tightened as his body vibrated with need. It wasn’t fair that he made me feel this way. That my control was just an illusion because I didn’t have it.
“You’re not good enough for him. You’re sick.” A ghosted version of my words played on repeat in my head. “You’re only good enough for a fuck.”
I pushed the echoes of my own torment out of my head, concentrated on the man I had under me, in my mouth. His scent, the sounds he made, the way he submitted under my touch. The way he gave me control. Kieran may have been an asshole outside of the bedroom, but here, he was mine.
I pulled my mouth away from his length. His hard cock bounced between us. Fueled by something toxic at the edge of my flesh, I spun him onto his stomach intending on ramming my dick up his ass. A hard fuck. That’s what he wanted. I could give him that. But when I trailed my eyes over the scars lining his back my heart broke. His fucking grandfather had hurt him. Scarred his beautiful body. Eight raised scars lined his back, and I gave each one a gentle kiss, tasting his pain on my tongue.
Every muscle tensed under my gentle caress as if he instinctively distrusted all careful touches. Expecting brutality instead. Acts of kindness made him vulnerable. Letting someone else take care of him was a weakness. I could show him something different if he’d just let me.
I ran my lips gently over each raised scar, savoring the taste of salt and musk on his skin. I trailed kisses down his spine, took a second to kiss near his insulin pump, acknowledging every part of him. Savoring every part of him.
“You’re so beautiful, Kieran,” I ghosted the words against his heated flesh.
“Tomás,” he said, about to lose his shit. “Don’t.” His voice cracked. “Just do it.” Desperation and anger replaced the uncertainty in his voice. “If you’re going to do it, just fucking do it.”
A dark weighted entity wrapped me in its cruel arms, making my heart ache. I knew he was goading me, trying to make me angry, preferring my wrath to my kindness. And it cut me to the bone. I couldn’t escape the poison he gave so freely. I consumed it as if I needed it to breathe.
I leaned my body over his, my chest to his back, and brushed my lips against the back of his neck, up to the shell of his ear. “Tell me what you want from me , Kieran?” I dipped my hard cock against the crack of his ass. “Why are you really here?” I pushed back and spread him wide open, exposing that tight ring. I spat into his hole. “Is this what you want?” I pushed a finger inside his body. Then spat again, and shoved another, spreading his tight channel. Watching every muscle in his body tighten from the intrusion. Sweat dripped down my back, along my temple. I was fucking melting . The spit wasn’t enough. I leaned over, rummaged through my end table, and pulled out the lube.
My heart pounding in my chest, I lubed him and me and placed the tip of my cock against his hole. “Tell me you want it,” I said. “Beg for it.”
He didn’t. Instead, he pushed his ass back spearing himself with my cock. Once my head passed the tight ring of muscle, I snapped my hips forward, my eyes practically rolling inside my head as the heat of his tight channel squeezed my cock to my balls.
There was no coming back from this. Not tonight. Maybe not ever.