Chapter Twenty-One
Tomás
I’d lost my fucking mind.
I had forced Kieran to tell me he loved me, and he did one better. Love wasn’t enough. The word was not enough.
And I couldn’t hold on to it. I couldn’t fix us because there was too much wrong in me. Not Kieran. Kieran was perfect. He deserved perfect.
And he finally realized that. I saw it in his eyes. He wouldn’t settle for the guy who kept lying to him. He’d spent his whole life lying to those he loved. I knew that. I should’ve known that my lies would weigh too much on his already tired soul. I had no choice but to play Luca’s game. If Kieran was right and Alessandro knew about us, about Cillian, he’d have every reason to have us murdered. Or … what did he want from me ?
Kieran had locked the bathroom door and ran the shower.
End of discussion.
The collar lay on the floor, discarded. An omen of what waited for me. Enzo was Alessandro Mancini who was Wren’s father who Wren believed killed his mother. I should’ve been planning my escape from Arcadia. Fuck the lockdown. Fuck the funeral games. If I wanted to get out of here, I was sure I’d find a way even if I had to travel by foot through the damn mountains into Canada. And die there because I wasn’t a fucking survivalist. My playground was the city, not here.
I don’t know why I picked up the collar on my way out. I should’ve left it there. Trashed it. I stuck it inside my hoodie pocket instead. I threw the hood over my head, ignored everyone in the living room and walked out.
The evening sky was already dusted in pinks and grays. A few students lingered throughout the path. The energy ripe with tension. Arcadia no longer the sanctuary it led everyone to believe it was. Blood would be spilled.
And I couldn’t run from it. No one could.
I turned down the path and caught sight of Ashton and his buddies hanging off the porch of one of the houses. Not theirs. They were waiting for me. I walked and they followed.
Fuck it. I wasn’t running.
I turned and Ashton met me face to face. He hadn’t been this much of an asshole when I first met him. The bodies behind him gave him the courage he needed to realize he was truly a fucking asshole.
“What?”
“Join us.”
That hadn’t been what I expected him to say. “Join you in what?”
He bit his lip and Zarek and Beck chuckled. “I told you, man. He’s one of them.” Zarek said.
Annika blew me a kiss. Her pale skin against a shit load of black make-up matched her personality.
“Join us in finally ending the Ark Boys.”
“Did it ever occur to you that they don’t give a fuck about you?” I looked at each of them in turn. “You are putting way too much thought in them. Let it go. We’re all just trying to survive here.”
Ashton narrowed his blue eyes. “Are you that na?ve?”
The story of my life. “Ashton, this isn’t a game. People are going to get hurt.”
“That’s the point.”
“Charity was right. You guys are a bunch of morons.” Frustrated, I turned to leave.
Big mistake.
Never expose your back to the enemy. I wasn’t sure who hit me first, but that motherfucker slammed a fist into my ear hard enough to sting. I stumbled sideways, ear burning. I swung. My fist connected with Zarek’s jaw. Then I tackled him but was overpowered by the other three fuckers before I could slam him into the ground. Beck, Kennedy, and Ashton already pulling me back. Beck took a swing into my stomach. I doubled over and was slammed again by Zarek, who recovered quickly. I swung, covered my head, swung again. Fuck them all. This wasn’t my first beat down. I hit my mark a few times, drew curses out of the fuckers. Berserker mode my specialty.
“Hold him the fuck down,” I heard Beck say.
I was jostled and pushed between the houses, out of the main pathway. Another punch to my ribs came from Beck. I pretty much lost perspective on who was doing what until Ashton yelled.
“Stop! Stop!”
They released me and I fell on my knees and spat out a glob of blood.
“Who the fuck gave you this?” Ashton said, lowering Luca’s collar so I could see it. It must’ve fallen out of my pocket during the struggle.
I smirked despite the sting on my stretched lip. “Luca’s going to kill you.” I put enough venom in those words as I could.
“Fuck you, you belong to Kieran.”
That stung. “What can I say? Everyone wants me.”
Ashton paled and dropped the collar.
“Fuck, we’re dead,” Zarek said.
“Luca Mancini is a fucking psycho.” That came from Beck.
The other two, Annika and another jock by the name of Kennedy, remained silent.
“I won’t tell if you leave us the fuck alone during the games.”
“We’ll see about that,” Ashton said. And they scattered.
I shoved the collar back into my pocket and stumbled to my feet. My arms and ribs were tender, but I’d survived worse. I pulled the hood over my head and began the long trek home trying not to breathe in too deep.
Morgan sat on the steps, eyes cast down, so in his thoughts that he didn’t hear me approach. “Hey,” I said, trying not to startle him and failing.
He snapped his head up, his eyes on mine. “What happened?” He sounded in panic mode.
“Nothing I couldn’t handle.”
“It looks like they handled it on your face.”
I wrapped an arm around my torso and winced as I sat down next to him on the step. “I’ll be fine. Nothing an ice bath can’t cure. What’s up with you? You look like you’ve seen a ghost.”
His expression changed and he looked away before I could make sense of it. “The reapers came. They took Amir’s things.” He looked at his hands, rubbing his index finger against his palm in a nervous twitch. “Do you know we aren’t allowed to take pictures? I don’t even have a picture of him or Jack. Once the memories go, they’ll be gone forever.”
“I hadn’t thought about that. Maybe we can write about them, so we won’t forget. We can keep their stories alive.”
He snorted, “I didn’t even know them that well. Only the songs.”
“Well, you have that.”
“They sucked,” he chuckled.
I did too. “They were pretty bad.”
“That’s the thing. They were never meant to be good. It was just a way to drown out the rest of the noise, you know?”
I hadn’t known. Always wondered. But it made sense. “I’m sorry, Morgan. Jack…” I lowered my eyes to my hands.
“I know,” he said, saving me from an explanation I couldn’t give. “I know. I just don’t want anyone else to die.”
I dragged my hand down my thighs. “Then let’s make sure they don’t.”
He scratched his ear. “Listen, about Kieran and me—”
I really didn’t want to listen about Kieran and him. I got to my feet, swallowing the pain. “It’s not my business.”
He got to his feet too. “He saved my life. He didn’t have to, but he did.” Morgan followed me inside the house. “The others, they honor the brand.”
“And what did you give him for it?” I hadn’t meant to sound so pissed, but, oh, well.
He licked his lips. “Just told him what Amir wanted. Jack said he had something to bring down the families. Amir thought maybe you had it. That’s why he was with you that night.”
“But I don’t have anything.”
“Yeah, I figured.”
“And you told Kieran this?”
He nodded. “He cares about you. I mean, you know, it’s not my business, but I think he does.” He shrugged.
I felt so damn tired. “I need to get ready.”
“Are you serious about that ice bath?”
I nodded, unsure how I was going to make it through the night.
“I’ll get it ready for you before I leave. The least I could do since I … uh…”
He was supposed to be my tail. “I won’t tell Kieran you weren’t following me.”
He smiled. “Thanks, man.” Then he slapped my arm, and I bit back a cry. “Sorry. I’ll go get that bath ready,” he said sheepishly and headed to the kitchen. “Some guy came by with a tux. I left it in your room along with all your mail. Dude, open your mail,” he said as I made my way up the stairs.
The tux was hanging on my closet door. A black fancy thing with shiny shoes and a bow tie. I’d never worn anything like it before. And my unopened mail was scattered on my bed. All of it from Maddox Brennan. I ignored the letters as I had been for the past three months and started to peel out of my clothes. True to his word, Morgan prepared an ice bath before he headed out.
I climbed into the ice water. It felt like sharp nails against my skin until it numbed everything. I considered bypassing this stupid dinner. I didn’t need to meet the Four. I already knew two of them. Mancini and Brennan. Maddox and Alessandro. My brother and the man I once loved. I’d see them both. Together. And then in a few hours, Luca Mancini would kill me. I wondered how he'd do it. A puncture to the throat like Kieran had killed Jack? A bullet to the head the way I had killed Fortuna Bruno when he’d threatened Henry. Or by fire the way Maddox had killed my dad and brother.
There were so many ways to die.
The cold against my wounds felt good. But shit wouldn’t last. It never did. After soaking until the ice melted, I drained the water and showered. A fancy dinner meant trying to tame my curls. I did that the best way I could. I couldn’t do anything with my busted lip or the bruise forming around it.
Wearing the nicest pair of jeans I had, paired with a light blue button down that may have belonged to Morgan, and my Jordans—blue and white colorway to match—I headed to dinner. I’d ignored the penguin suit. Fuck that. I wasn’t going to parade myself the way they wanted. My one last fuck you, anyway.
Except when I arrived among the sea of people wearing fancy clothes, I did stick out. The students watched me with a smirk on their face. I felt itchy underneath my skin. I wanted a joint. I’d need one to face Enzo. I scanned the hall looking for him. Maybe if I spotted him first, he wouldn’t take me off guard.
The hall was filled with the sponsors of the chosen. The reapers. I rubbed the fabric over the tattoo of la Santa Muerte on my chest. This place wasn’t a prison. It was purgatory and we all were getting reaped. And everyone acted normal. As if in eighteen hours we weren’t going to be trying to peel each other’s faces off.
My breath caught in my chest when I caught sight of Kieran in a tuxedo. I always knew he would fit in with events like this, but I was wrong. He stuck out like a powerful force of nature. Kieran’s suit fit him like a glove. The broad shoulders, tapered waist, and nice ass accented in that fancy suit. His hair was perfect, and he smiled when he spoke, working the room as if he were a magician, stripping each and every person of free will. The women wanted to fuck him, and the men wanted to be him. And some might’ve wanted to fuck him too. Kieran knew every person in the room. Not just superficial stuff, he knew their names, family history. He asked questions like how’s his first year. Congratulations on the new baby. How’s your grandmother? He made everyone feel worthy of his attention.
A part of me felt jealous that he could make other people feel the way he had made me feel. I wasn’t special. I was a piece of the puzzle that was Kieran’s life. A small piece.
“What the fuck happened to you?” Wren asked beside me. Like everyone else, Wren wore a tuxedo, his dark hair impeccably styled, and he didn’t even smell like booze.
“The closet door won.”
“Yeah, dude, closets here are sliding doors.”
I smirked, but that stretched my lip and it hurt, so I stopped and returned my attention to Kieran.
“He’s good, isn’t he,” Wren said beside me.
“Yeah. Who are all these people?”
“The sponsors of the chosen … can’t really call them family. They come whenever the Four are here. A way to kiss ass. And you already know the Mancini and Brennans,” he said. “That beautiful psychopath with Henry is Constance Locke, the heiress of that mess of a family. She’s Henry’s oldest sister.”
The woman wore a white dress that hugged her curves quite nicely. She was talking with a taller man, but her eyes were over his shoulder spearing Charity with a look that made even me squirm. Fortunately, Charity didn’t catch it. Henry was sitting at the Locke table looking all kinds of uncomfortable. At least Micah sat with him. I caught them holding hands under the table.
“So, Henry and Micah.”
Wren shook his head and sipped his drink. “Don’t ask. I just know Tor will kill anyone who hurts Henry. He’s been itching to kill Constance since he pulled Henry out of her clutches.”
I snapped my head to Wren, eyes wide.
“Don’t ask.”
I wanted to ask, but then Wren finally landed on the last table. “That disaster over there laughing like an idiot.” I didn’t have to look far. There was a tall, thin man with thin blond hair, beady nose, and eyes to match laughing way too loud. “That’s Edward Marz. River and Fox’s uncle. The only brother in that family and a figure head for the company. It’s actually run by the sisters—Joanna and Cecilia Marz, Fox and River’s mother. But they are unmarried to their fathers so … bastard.” He led my eyes to River sitting at a table with a pretty brunette.
“Is that—”
“Yup,” he popped his p. “That is Adeline Weston. River’s fiancé.” The way he said fiancé made me believe he wanted to stick her with a sharp knife. “She’s heiress to Weston Transportation. With the Marz fortune, River is looking to inherit forty-two billion dollars.”
I almost choked on my spit. “Wow.”
“Yeah.”
“Does he even have a choice?”
That stumped Wren for a second. “We all have choices, Tomás. We make them and live with the consequences all the time. Yeah. He has a choice and he made it.”
At that moment River looked our way. Wren grunted and took off. River kept his eyes on Wren. I knew that look. I’m sure that’s how I looked whenever I watched Kieran from afar.
Dr. Casera smoothly made his way toward me. His eyes lowered to my lip before the scowl appeared. “What happened to your face?”
“I was kinda born with it,” I said, because I was a smart ass.
“How unfortunate,” he said dryly, and took a sip of his drink. “Did you not get the invitation? This is a black-tie event.”
I pulled out the tie from my back pocket and handed it to him. “I brought the black tie.”
Casera threw back his head and laughed. Surprisingly, it suited him. “Tomás, you are a conundrum.”
“That sounds painful.”
He squeezed my shoulder, and a sharp pain followed. I bit back the groan that wanted to come out. “You are quite a pleasant addition to the school.”
I let out a relieved breath when he released me. Sweat beaded my brow. “Prison,” I corrected. “And I wish I wasn’t here.”
“You and me both, son.” He looked sad. “Maddox is here with his husband. The table near the wall.”
I almost choked at the word husband.
I found Maddox talking with Declan. The most relaxed I’d ever seen him. He even had a smile on his face. Putting us together, I could see the hint of similarity between us. The shape of our eyes, though his were green and mine were brown. The color and texture of our hair, the shape of our face. Now that I saw it, I couldn’t pull us apart.
My chest hurt too. “Husband?”
“Yes. If you’d but read your mail.”
I gave a sheepish shrug. I’d known Kieran had gone to the wedding, but he’d never mentioned it’d been a man Maddox had married. We had been hiding our relationship because Kieran believed he’d be shunned for being gay. That had been true when Cillian had been alive. But apparently, Tristan was more open about same sex relationships. Kieran hadn’t felt the need to share that part with me.
Another reason why Kieran and I would never have worked. His lies. A lie by omission was still a lie. Although I had told him I didn’t want to hear anything that had to do with Maddox, he could’ve told me this one thing that would’ve changed our own relationship. But he hadn’t. And it fucking hurt.
“Is his husband here?” I asked.
“Yes,” Dr. Casera answered with clear distaste in his voice.
“Who is he?”
“Alessandro Mancini,” Dr. Casera answered.
No. No. No .
“Enzo.”
Dr. Casera narrowed his eyes. A slight change in his demeanor he reserved just for me. “How do you know that name?”
I hadn’t realized I’d said it out loud. Dr. Casera knew everything. And me about to pass out in the middle of an event at the mention of Enzo being married to my half-brother, Maddox, who hated me and stuck me in this prison in the first place, made everything all the more unbearable. “Do you know?” I couldn’t hold back the fear and anger pouring out of my whisper. Dr. Casera’s expression deepened. “Do you know?” Do you know what he did to me?
Concern slipped into his eyes. The same concern I’d seen whenever he talked about Maddox. “If this has to do with Alessandro, you must be careful.”
I wasn’t sure why I was relieved that Casera didn’t know how fucked up Enzo had made me. “I’m not stupid.” Not really. But maybe I was.
“I know. You’re anything but stupid. I think you are the brightest person in this school. You don’t belong here because you are not like the rest of us. Which is why I’m giving you this advice. Play the long game.” He straightened his jacket. “And it would be most helpful if you opened your mail once in a while.” He gave me a curt nod and headed deeper into the hall, greeting people as he went. I lost Kieran in the crowd. I lost Kieran. That thought made my chest hurt because I needed him now more than ever. I needed him to protect me.
I felt sick. The hall felt too crowded. Too loud. I narrowed my focus to the restroom. I pushed the door open and headed for the sink. Running the water, I stuck my hand under the stream. Something about cold water on my hands always helped soothe my mind. The shock of it settled the raging inferno inside. Alessandro. Enzo. Married to Maddox and they were here. He was here. Maddox was here. Kieran was here. What if they found out? What if Enzo … I couldn’t think.
The stall behind me opened and I lifted my eyes just as the man stepped out. The onslaught of emotions flooding me made me dizzy. Enzo hadn’t changed since I last saw him. Tall, at least six-two. Lean but built so that you couldn’t tell his strength. Soft brown hair parted in the side, and a sharp angular jawline just as sharp as his dark eyes. He used the sink to my left, near the door, without looking at me.
I couldn’t move and could barely breathe.
Was this real? Was he here?
He turned off the water, wiped his hands with a paper towel and started for the door. The sound of the lock clicking into place loud in the silent space. I felt like trapped prey.
Tossing the paper towel in the garbage can, he turned around to face me. Something in my chest pushed forward. Fear, regret, hatred, love … I couldn’t settle on any one emotion.
He narrowed the gap between us, his footfalls and the running sink the only sound in the room. Close enough that he loomed over me, he cupped my face. I felt like that fourteen-year-old boy who wanted his father’s love. But Joaquin Moya only reserved that emotion for Nick. Enzo’s hands were warm and soft. I couldn’t move. My tongue got stuck to the roof of my mouth. My hands shook beside me.
He leaned in, his dark eyes half lidded, his lips close to mine. He inhaled, grazing the side of my mouth, my jaw, my ear. Cold air poured over me, making me break out in cold sweat and the hairs on my body stand on end. “Who hurt you?” he asked. “So I can kill them.”
He smelled of mint and lies. “No one,” I responded. The lie fell easily off my lips. It was one lie I could always get away with because no one truly cared who the fuck hurt me. “What are you going to do to me?”
“Why do you think I would do anything to you ?”
The threat was implied in the you. He didn’t need to hurt me. All he had to do was destroy what little was left of my family. Nick and my sisters.
“Luca said.”
“Ah, yes,” he pulled back. I caught sight of the lines on his face. Near his eyes, around his mouth. His hair finer, with a dusting of greys. Aged. Enzo had aged, but he still looked as if he belonged anywhere. As if I should be grateful he had chosen me to save from my mother. He had chosen me . “My brother is rather territorial. He knows about us, of course. He’s the dog I use to protect my interests and Maddox is my interests, do you understand?”
“Maddox?” The confusion in my face made him laugh. It had once filled me with joy, now my blood ran cold.
“You should really be nicer to your brother. He loves you dearly. Was heartbroken that you didn’t make our wedding.”
I swallowed the lump in my throat.
“Of course, he would be devasted to learn what you did.”
What I did. Of course, because it’d been my fault. I didn’t realize I was nodding until he gave me the familiar warm look I had latched onto whenever I needed him to make all the bad go away.
“All I ever wanted was to keep you safe from your mother. You do know that?”
I swallowed hard. My throat clicked. Enzo looked sad, disappointed in me, and I felt ashamed that I put those feelings there.
“If you hadn’t become feral, I wouldn’t have had to tame you.”
The slow churn of memories swam in my mind. That night. The room. The pain.
Someone knocked on the door, taking me out of my headspace.
“I’m sure you wouldn’t tell anyone about us.”
The thought of anyone knowing made my chest clench. “No. Never.”
“Good. I knew you were a good boy.” He cupped my face again. “Now tell me, where is the drive?”
“Drive?”
“Jack had something that belonged to me,” he backtracked. “I want it back.”
I shook my head. “I don’t have it.”
Enzo moved so damn fast. He cupped my throat and slammed me against the wall between the sinks. Then he lifted me to my tiptoes. I couldn’t breathe. “Don’t fuck with me, Tomás. I will do anything, anything ,” he repeated into my face. “To keep Maddox. He is mine and you will not take him away from me.”
I scratched at his hand, but it did nothing.
Another knock broke through his violent intent, and he released me. I sucked in oxygen, using the sink for support. “Go into a stall and fix yourself up.”
I did as he said, like a good little boy, and locked the stall. “And remember, Tomás. Your family has not been erased. Not yet.”
I sucked in a sob as I heard him leave. My legs wouldn’t hold me up and I leaned into the stall, breathing.
Just breathe, Tomás. Just breathe. Just breathe.
I wiped my tears. But I couldn’t breathe.
Dasher was right. I wasn’t a good liar. I couldn’t lie. Kieran was going to see my face and know. Just know. And Enzo would kill Nick and my sisters. I heard the door open then close before I opened the stall and stepped right into Luca Mancini leaning against the door.
He didn’t wear the face paint. He didn’t smile. His eyes weren’t cold. They just knew. He knew. A white tile moved rapidly between his fingers. It flashed back and forth, back and forth across his knuckles.
The fucking tears wouldn’t stop. “What do you want?” I managed to say through the wad in my throat.
“I want to help you not be confused.” The tile skimmed his knuckles, back and forth back and forth. “The answers are here. All you have to do is look.”
Angry, I went to splash water on my face but Luca yanked me back before I could. I hadn’t even heard him move. He stood so close I expected him to stab me and leave me bleeding out in one of the stalls. Instead, he smeared my tears with the tips of his fingers, his eyes moving across my face. “Paint your face. Don’t let anyone see.”
For a moment, we just stood there, staring at each other. His eyes an array of different shades of browns and greens. I couldn’t pinpoint a color. He blinked a few times, turned, and started to leave.
I turned back to the mirror, lifted my eyes to my reflection.
Don’t let anyone see me broken.
“Luca,” I whispered just as his hand covered the doorknob. A tear slipped out of my eye as he turned to look at me. “I can’t do this. I can’t pretend.”
Without a word, he walked out.