Chapter 1 #2
I know I’m only feeling sorry for myself because I’m missing my bestie.
Roisin has found the love of her life, her soulmate, and now she has her baby.
She’s moved on… in the best possible way.
There are more important people in her life than me, and I’m happy for her; truly, I am.
I just wish I had even a tiny fraction of what she does.
The thought of babies brings me up short as a swirl of familiar nausea rushes through me, and I stagger backwards until the backs of my knees hit the bathtub and I collapse onto the side of it.
My hand flies to my mouth as pieces fall into place.
The nausea, the weight loss, the fatigue - could it be?
I try to remember when I last had a period, but it’s been…
waaay too long. Much more than a month. More than two, even.
My cycle is often light and has never been very reliable, especially since I’ve had my contraceptive implant, so I haven’t missed it.
A whirlwind of emotions crashes over me.
Joy, fear, uncertainty, and a desperate, clawing hope.
Could it be possible? I know contraceptives are never 100%, but the doctor assured Niko the implant was the most reliable.
It was his insistence that I have something so dependable, so we didn’t chance a surprise pregnancy, even though I really wanted to start a family.
At twenty-eight, I’m not getting any younger, after all.
Oh damn, he’ll be so mad. This is exactly what he didn’t want.
I put a hand to my forehead. I need to stop second guessing things without anything tangible. It’s probably nothing, but at least it’s one thing I can determine here and now.
Standing on shaky legs, I rummage through the cabinets until I find a spare pregnancy test left over from when I had to buy some for Roisin, so her brothers didn’t find out.
My hand trembles so badly, I nearly fumble the small, plastic-wrapped stick onto the tile.
Eventually, I manage to tear open the test with my teeth when my fingers won’t cooperate and sit back down on the edge of the massive claw footed bathtub, my pulse hammering in my throat as I read and reread the instructions printed in minuscule type.
It’s pretty straightforward. Pee on the stick.
Even I can't mess this up. I do exactly as it says then prepare to wait for the five interminable minutes, every tick of the clock an accusation of my stupidity, or my hope.
Of course I peek at the window after three, okay - maybe thirty seconds - as soon as the liquid crawls across the display.
The answer is already there. It’s instant. Two pink lines, so vivid they’re almost luminous. Positive. Pregnant.
I freeze as I stare at the proof. My mind races. My stomach swoops with terror, but it’s overwhelmed by a flutter of happiness so sharp it hurts. I press a shaking palm to my belly, as if I might already feel something there, some spark of newness, some promise or curse.
Could this be what changes everything? Will Niko finally see me as more than just a warm body in his bed who happens to share his name if I give him an heir?
I run through the dates in my head again, trying to get them straight, but I can’t pinpoint when I might have conceived.
I think of Niko’s cold distance, his restless, prowling energy, the way he looks through me like I’m just a fixture in his immaculately curated life.
But now… now I have a secret, and once he knows it, it could change everything.
It already has. Finally, I’ll have someone of my very own.
A child who will always be mine, no matter what.
I close my eyes and allow the fear to come.
The certainty that nothing good can last. But also, something more radiant: an unshakeable hope.
Maybe this child will be the thing that makes me whole, or at least less empty.
Maybe Niko will soften just a little, let me in closer. Maybe I’ll finally have a family.
I sink to the floor, the test clutched to my chest, as tears stream down my face. This child could be my salvation, the key to unlocking Niko's heart. Or it could be my undoing. In the brutal world of the Bratva, children are both blessings and liabilities.
I need to tell him, but the thought of facing Niko with this news terrifies me. What if he truly doesn't want it? What if he sees this child as a burden? My mind races with possibilities, each more terrifying than the last.
I force myself to take deep breaths, steadying my nerves. No, I can't think like that. This is good news. It has to be. Niko may be cold, but surely even he wouldn't reject his own flesh and blood. He may not have wanted children just yet, but now it’s happened…
With my entire body still quivering, I get up and hide the test in my bedside drawer.
I need time to process this, to figure out the best way to break the news.
Niko won't be home until late, if he comes home at all, so I have hours to prepare. With trembling hands, I type out a text, telling him we need to talk, but in the end, I chicken out, and end up sending him a pathetic, generic greeting. Dear lord, what’s wrong with me?
Why did I send anything at all? I’m losing it. I must have baby-brain already.
As I dress for the day, I look at myself in the full-length mirror and my hand drifts to my still-flat stomach. There's no visible sign yet, but knowing what I know now, I swear I can feel a difference. A fullness, a presence that wasn't there before.
"Hello, little one," I whisper, a small smile tugging at my lips. "I'll keep you safe, I promise. Whatever happens, you’ll never know anything but love."