Chapter 5
Chapter Five
LYAH
I hate being on tenterhooks like this. I feel like I’m walking on eggshells now I’m back home, and the few days respite I had seems like a lifetime ago.
I came back feeling hopeful and refreshed, like this entire clusterfuck was something I could deal with. But Niko has been conspicuously absent, so my confidence has eroded with each day that passes, and now I’m just waiting for the hammer to fall.
The silence in the house is oppressive, broken only by the ticking of the antique grandfather clock in the hallway, as I wander around looking for something to occupy myself with.
There are even less people here than usual.
Although the guards are like ghosts, I normally see a few throughout my day.
Now it’s like they’ve all disappeared. Like I’ve been abandoned, even though I always hated the intrusion.
I find myself jumping at every little sound, half-expecting Niko to materialize at any moment with a cold decree about my future - our baby’s future.
I try to keep myself busy, tidying rooms that are already immaculate because we have an army of housekeeping staff, and reorganizing closets that don't need it. Or I spend hours reading in my favorite spot in the sprawling gardens to avoid the oppressive compound. At least here in Brighton Beach, we have the advantage of plenty of outside space. I’ll do anything to stop my mind from spinning out worst-case scenarios.
But in the quiet moments, when there's nothing left to distract me, my hand inevitably drifts to my stomach.
"We'll be okay," I whisper, though I'm not sure who I'm trying to convince - the baby or myself.
As evening falls, I’m heading down for dinner when I hear the front door open. Heavy footsteps echo through the foyer, and my heart leaps into my throat. This is it. The moment I've been dreading and longing for in equal measure.
Niko appears in the doorway, his face unreadable. "Emylyah," he says, his voice low and controlled. "We need to talk."
I nod, steeling myself for whatever comes next. "Yes," I agree softly, trying to keep my voice steady. "We do."
Niko's eyes flicker to my stomach, then back to my face. He looks tired, the lines around his eyes more pronounced than usual, but despite that, he’s as handsome as ever, with his dirty blond hair which is a little longer than its usual military cut, softening his square jaw and razor-sharp cheekbones.
"Come," he says, gesturing for me to follow him.
My heart pounds as I trail behind him to his study. This room has always felt off-limits, a sanctuary I'm rarely invited into. The heavy oak door closes behind us with a soft click that feels oddly final.
Niko moves towards the desk but doesn't sit, and I’m thankful he doesn’t make me feel like I’m getting a dressing down in the principal’s office.
Instead, he leans against it, arms crossed over his chest.
Since he hasn’t directed me to do any different, I remain standing, hands clasped tightly in front of me to hide their trembling.
"I've been thinking," Niko begins, his voice carefully neutral. "About what you told me. About the baby."
I hold my breath, waiting for the axe that will cleave my heart in two. But Niko surprises me.
"I reacted... poorly," he admits, the words seeming to cost him. "I shouldn't have dismissed it so quickly."
Hope flares in my chest, but I try to temper it. "What are you saying?" I ask cautiously. I know better than to believe he just changed his mind.
Niko's jaw tightens, his gaze intense as he studies me. "I'm saying that I may have been... hasty in my initial assessment. The situation is complex, Emylyah. There are risks I can't ignore. Extenuating circumstances you know nothing about and which I don’t want to go into.”
I nod, hope and fear warring within me. I’m not stupid. I know a lot of what his ‘work’ entails. “I understand there are dangers. But Niko, this is our child. Surely, we can find a way to make it work?"
He pushes off from the desk, pacing the length of the study. The tension radiates off him in waves. "It's not that simple. Our world is not the same one most people inhabit, Emylyah. You know this. Bringing a child into it..." He trails off, running a hand through his hair.
"But it doesn't have to be," I argue, finding a well of courage I didn't know I possessed. "We could leave, start over somewhere else. Somewhere safe. It’s not like money is an issue for you.” Okay, I’m clutching at straws, I know, but I’m desperate here.
Niko's laugh is harsh, devoid of humor. "That’s not an option, Emylyah. Like it or not, this is who I am, what I am. What I’ll always be. You knew that when you married me."
The words sting, but I push on. "Then we be careful.”
He strides towards me and grips my arms hard enough to leave bruises. “All the security in the world can’t always protect us from the ruthless and the unexpected. Our enemies would see a child as a weakness to exploit. They wouldn't hesitate to use an innocent life as leverage against me."
His grip loosens slightly as he searches my face. "I can't put you through that. I can't put our child through that."
My heart twists at the vulnerability in his eyes. It's a side of Niko I rarely see. "But we're already in this situation," I say softly. "The baby exists. Ignoring it or... getting rid of it won't make us any safer."
Niko's hands drop from my arms as he steps back, conflict etched across his features. "No," he agrees after a long moment. "It won't."
Hope blooms in my chest, fragile but insistent. "So, what do we do?"
He's silent for what feels like an eternity, his gaze fixed on some point beyond me.
When he finally speaks, his voice is low and almost cruel, the words slashing at all the soft places inside me.
“Can you honestly tell me you could live with yourself if our child was abducted? If she was barely more than a child, and yet she was beaten, and raped, and endured the kind of torture no sixteen-year-old girl should ever encounter?”
A shudder trembles through me at the intensity in his eyes and his oddly specific words that tell me this is no invented scenario, but a real event he’s recalling.
“Wouldn’t it be better not to bring that child into this world to begin with?”
“You’re talking like violence and trauma belong to you alone, like suffering is a currency only your kind trades in.
But bad things happen all the time, Niko.
Not just to people like us. It’s not just the mafia kids who bleed and break and learn too soon that the world doesn’t love them back.
It’s everywhere, even in ‘normal’ families.
Regular people get kidnapped. Regular people get used.
You can’t stop the world from being cruel just by refusing to let your children live in it. ”
My voice shakes, but I press on, standing straighter even as his doubts try to drown me out.
“If anything, our child might have the most protection there is. She’ll have you.
She’ll have all of this…” I gesture around the book-lined room, the heavy curtains, the bulletproof glass, the stuffy evidence of Niko’s ruthlessness masquerading as love.
“But our child deserves a chance to exist, and to be loved, even if it means they have to survive hard things.”
He looks at me like he’s never really seen me before, and for a second, I think I might have finally punched through the years of armor he’s built up around his heart.
Instead, his eyes go distant, like he’s already running a thousand mental simulations of how this could play out, all of them ending badly.
But when he speaks, his voice is steel. “You want to risk it? Fine. Then we do it my way.” He straightens, the decision calcifying in his posture, the mask of the pakhan sliding into place over the battered, uncertain man I love. Because yes, I do love him. Despite everything.
“But no one else finds out. Not yet. If word gets out, there will be a bounty on your womb before the baby’s even viable.”
A chill sweeps over me, but I nod, because the alternative is unthinkable.
I’ve won, but in some ways, I’ve just lost in a new and more terrifying way.
“So, what now?” I whisper, suddenly exhausted.
I’m not going to mention I’ve already told Roisin.
I’m certain he must have realized that, but I’ll warn her not to say anything, not that I expect her to go shouting it from the rooftops.
"We prepare. We increase security, we plan for every contingency. And..." he pauses, meeting my eyes. "We keep this quiet for as long as possible."
I nod, relief washing over me. It's not a wholehearted acceptance, but it's a start. A chance.
"Thank you," I whisper, my voice thick with emotion.
Niko's expression softens slightly, a flicker of something - tenderness? regret? - passing over his features before vanishing. He steps closer, his hand hovering near my stomach before dropping back to his side.
"Don't thank me yet," he warns. "This won't be easy, Emylyah. There will be rules, restrictions. Your life is going to change dramatically."
I nod, steeling myself. "I understand. Whatever it takes to keep our child safe."
"Our child," Niko repeats, as if testing the words. For a moment, I glimpse the man beneath the ruthless exterior - a man grappling with the enormity of impending fatherhood.
"We should get you to a doctor," he says abruptly, all business again. "I know someone discreet; someone we can trust. I'll make the arrangements."
Relief floods through me. This is real. We're doing this.
"When?" I ask, trying to keep the eagerness from my voice.
"Tomorrow," Niko decides. "First thing in the morning. I'll have the car ready at 7am sharp. Be ready.”
I nod, a mixture of excitement and nervousness fluttering in my stomach. “Of course,” I say softly.
Niko's expression remains guarded, but there's a flare of some elusive emotion in his expression. Something so foreign I don’t really recognize it. Concern, perhaps? Pride? No, I’m reading him wrong. It’s most likely just calculation. "Get some rest," he says gruffly.
As I turn to leave, his hand catches my arm. "And Emylyah," he says, his voice low. "Remember what I said. Not a word to anyone. This stays between us for now.”
“Absolutely,” I whisper, meeting his intense gaze. "Whatever you say."
He releases me with a curt nod, and I slip out of the study, my mind reeling.
As I make my way to the dining room, I can't help but feel like I've just signed some sort of Faustian bargain.
But for the chance to keep this baby and build the family I've always longed for, I'd make that deal a thousand times over.