Chapter 30
Olivia
“Shit, shit, shit!” I whisper loudly as I wake up around eight in the morning with Noah’s giant leg across mine.
My head is nestled against his chest and his arm around my shoulder.
I knew he was in my bed but I meant to kick him back to the couch before anyone else got up.
I'm not ashamed of Noah, or the night we shared, but I still don’t understand my feelings and I don’t want to explain that to anyone else yet.
“Noah, wake up!” I say, wiggling out from under him.
“Huh? Ollie, what is going on?” Noah asks groggily, wiping his eyes.
“We fell asleep, and unless you want to explain to Cole…” I start, but Noah just tips his head back toward the ceiling and laughs as if this is a laughing matter.
I'm stunned silent by his reaction and just sit there staring at him.
When he doesn’t stop laughing I eventually ask “Why is this funny to you?” with more than a morsel of annoyance
“Ollie, I think everyone in this house expected me to end up in this bed last night, and Cole is the last person who is going to question that” he replies, smiling at me. His answer only confuses me more because Cole has only ever shown distaste for any form of PDA or affection we show each other.
“What do you mean?” I reply.
“Ollie, he knows everything.” His face dropped into a very serious look I haven’t seen in years. Since that night in Oklahoma. Nope. Not getting into that right now. When I don’t answer him right away, he continues “He didn’t tell you?”
I shake my head in response, not sure exactly where this is going.
He sighs and mumbles something about Cole being an asshole, a loyal asshole but an asshole, nonetheless.
I jump out of bed and stand near the wall at the side of the bed. Noah sees my confusion and concern on my face and gets up. After walking over to me, he takes my hand and leads me to the door of the bedroom.
“Come on, let's go wake him up,” Noah says as he leads me to the living room where we find Cole sitting upright with a cup of coffee on the couch, Caroline’s on the counter barstool with her tea, and both are smirking at us like they just won the jackpot.
“Based on the terrified look, Ollie, I’d wager she's hoping to sneak you back out here before anyone is awake,” Cole says to Noah.
“Well, I figured you told her that you knew. You talk at least once a week and are attached at the hip,” he fires back with a hint of irritation in his tone.
I don’t think I’ve ever seen the two of them argue or talk to each other in any sort of tone.
“Not my story to tell,” Cole replies with a shrug.
“Okay, okay, okay. Enough, you two. You are worse than brothers. Jesus,” Caroline jumps in, trying to keep the peace but also making sure I don’t lose my shit.
She knows I don’t handle confrontation well and when it comes to these two, I absolutely cannot handle it.
Both men stop, Noah drops my arm and turns to look at Caroline with a scowl.
“Since this conversation has started, you’re both going to tell Olivia whatever secret you’re keeping, and I'm going to stay here to moderate and make sure she’s not getting hurt here,” Caroline says with a stern voice.
She’s one of those friends who you consider the “mean friend.” The ones you want by your side, especially in situations like this because we both know she’ll bury a body for me if it keeps me safe and happy.
Noah and Cole glance at each other and then we all venture onto the sectional. Caroline hands me a coffee, as we sit on the left side of the sectional under a throw blanket. The boys sit on the opposite side of the couch looking at each other unsure of where to start.
“I guess we just start from the beginning. Cole, tell Ollie where you found me the week after she came back to the city,” Noah says, unable to look at me, but sharing a pointed look with Caroline. It's a stare that screams he’s sorry and that he would never hurt me.
Caroline, however, doesn’t forgive and forget easily. She was there for the trauma from ten years ago and understands that this could entirely ruin me.
There is an overwhelming sense of anxiety and terror that devours me as we sit here in anticipation of what Cole has to say.
Did Cole find Noah’s tongue deep in another woman?
Why does that make me want to crumble? Assuming is not going to get me anywhere so I need to focus on the moment and listen.
“At the firehouse, running on the treadmill, ten sheets to the wind,” Cole answers finally, after Noah gives him a nod.
Noah’s head hangs in embarrassment and shame from his actions. And before they even get the chance to explain, I blurt out.
“What were you thinking? Noah, that is incredibly unsafe. You could’ve been seriously injured, and then what would you have done? You’d be out of work, unable to fix your house. What on earth were you thinking?”
Caroline places her hand on my forearm with a sincere look of empathy on her face. I can’t tell if it's toward me or knowing the rest of this story. I realize that any hope of hiding my feelings and whatever this is between us has gone completely out the window.
“That’s exactly what Cole said before he made me get off the treadmill, gave me a verbal warning and a write up.
He then sat me down to chat with him. He was worried I would be a risk to not only myself but everyone in the department and he wasn’t wrong, I don’t know if I had been sober a single moment since you left at this point,” Noah begins to say.
“And I realized at that moment, I was hitting rock bottom again. If anyone was going to help me get back on track and give me any shot at showing you I love you and I’m not going anywhere, it would be Cole.
So I told him everything. Every moment from the night in Oklahoma, to Jarred and the letter, to our times over Christmas.
Everything. But most importantly, I'm undeniably, deeply in love with you Ollie. I always have been and I will never stop loving you,” he finishes, all in one breath before anyone can interject.
My jaw hits the floor, Caroline’s grip tightens on my arm and Cole is looking at Noah with a proud look on his face because he knows how hard this has been for Noah.
“That cannot be true, in Oklahoma…” I start to say. He didn’t love me then, he couldn’t have possibly loved me for ten years after.
“I know, Ollie. I know what I said in Oklahoma. And I promise you I’ve regretted it every day since then,” he says.
“What did you say in Oklahoma?” Caroline asks.
Realizing I never told them the entirety of what happened ten years ago. It’s not until this moment when I’m seeing red that I thought I could never tell someone everything that happened that weekend.
“He told me he didn’t love me and that we could never actually be together.” I hiss out, full of wrath and anger, remembering back to that day. Caroline’s face reddens and she squeezes my arm in solidarity as I glare across the room to Noah.
He looks down, and Cole speaks up before Noah has the chance to say anything.
“Liv, did you ever let me know to explain that day to you? Or have you just been holding a grudge deeming him the worst for the last ten years?” There’s a certain bite to his words that tells me I’ve hit a nerve with him, and that maybe I don’t know everything that happened.
But that doesn’t change the fact that I was heartbroken after Oklahoma or it took me months to really get back to myself again.
“You’re right, Olivia, that is exactly what I said.
You had just started college at Marquette, I was graduating basic training and had no idea where I was about to be stationed.
That first night you were there, I was so excited to see you.
Finally hold you in my arms again after those ten agonizing weeks away from you.
You spent the whole time telling me about these amazing people you met at school, and how all of your classes were going but also how you were going to finish out the semester and then transition to online classes until we were settled in a place long enough for you to go back to school.
” Caroline lifts her hand off my arm, having never known that was my plan.
I feel my eyes fill with tears but I can’t tear my eyes from Noah’s face as he continues speaking.
“You were going to put your entire career and life on hold for me. To be the wife of someone in the military who may not even be in the same country as you. Who may not even come home? Ollie, I couldn’t let you do that and I knew you would never change your mind, once you get your heart set on something it's impossible to change it. So I did the only thing I could think of and that was to make you hate me. You wouldn’t give up everything if you hated me.
Did I have to give up the one person who meant the most to me in return?
Yes, and I would do it again. Ollie, I have loved you since the moment we met in the cafeteria that one day.
I'm sorry for the hurt I’ve caused you. I will regret that until the day I die.
But I loved you then. I love you now. And I will never stop loving you, Olivia Bennett,” he finishes with silent tears running down his face, and it suddenly hits me that, holy shit, this man broke his own heart for me.
Caroline continues to ask questions and interrogate Cole and Noah but the sound of their voices sounds like they are talking underwater as I'm entirely engulfed by one sentence.
He loves me and he never stopped loving me.
“Liv, you okay?” I hear Cole ask as he walks over from the couch.
Nodding my head yes, bringing myself back to reality, I sink into the couch and try to decipher my emotions. Am I sad? Yes. Am I angry? Hell yes. Am I grateful he finally told me the truth? Absolutely.
“That wasn’t your decision to make.” I bite tears back from my eyes, damning them with all of my heart. I do not want to cry right now.
“I know, Ollie. And I am truly sorry for taking that choice away from you. There was never a letter, phone call, text message, or even a single day where I didn’t think of you.
When things were bad, and people died, thinking about you was the only light back into my life.
I know I hurt you. I know what I did was stupid and it wasn’t fair to you that I hid the truth from you for all these years, but I was stupid and afraid.
I thought it would be better if you never thought about me again instead of worrying about if I was alive or giving up your entire life for someone who might not even make it to tomorrow. ”
I can’t stop the tears from streaming down my face now and I move from my side of the couch to his, where he still silently cries as he confesses everything. I sit next to him placing my hands on his forearm and take a second to get my thoughts together.
Cole and Caroline relocate down the hall to give us privacy but I know they’re standing at the end of the hallway to eavesdrop.
“Noah, I am angry that you took that decision away from me, that you robbed us from ten years of what could have been an amazing time together. But I’m also adult enough to know that we wouldn’t have worked back then if we stayed together.
That I needed to grow up and become who I am today before committing to my forever love story.
” Tears continue to stream down his cheeks and he doesn't as much as breathe a word. “I know that in those three days over Christmas I was the happiest I’ve been in ten years and I’m not just saying that because you are the best sex I’ve ever had.
You make me smile, make me feel seen in ways no one has ever done before, and continue to love me through it all.
I will forever be grateful that my annoying brother spilled the beans about my coming home,” I continue.
“Yes!” I hear Cole whisper loudly from the hallway with presumably a matching enthusiastic fist bump. Noah chuckles in response as I roll my eyes, and I know our time is going to be limited moving forward.
“Because I have never stopped thinking about you. I have never stopped loving you, Noah. And yes, I’m afraid.
I am afraid it won’t work out. I’m afraid I wont be able to trust that you won’t hurt me again, but I also know that I’m willing to try,” I finally finish, and before I can move, Noah pulls me into his lap, fully engulfing me in a hug.