Chapter 32
Olivia
It’s easy to fall back into my routine of running, work, reading, sleep, and repeat. Each day feels lighter knowing Noah was truly in this for the long hall. I may not fully trust him yet, or be prepared to jump head-first into this relationship quite yet but the thought of a future makes me happy.
Work’s been smooth, the new patients actively participate in their care, and are excited to do it at home.
All of us in the office have been getting lunch together and we're planning a huge community outreach event to do in a few weeks, to support an underprivileged area. This is uncommon because, typically, my entire office sticks to themselves, does their job, and goes home for the day. I love my job and my place of employment but it would be nice to have more camaraderie amongst us. Create a family within the office, because it’s true that I spend more time with these people than my own family or friends.
I’m just coming back into the office after lunch with Mason and Savannah on a Thursday when my phone starts to ring.
I pull it out of my scrub top pocket and see that it’s Cole.
I normally would think that him calling me in the middle of a work day was weird but we just found out Penelope is getting divorced and she and the boys are moving home, so we’ve been chatting almost every day.
“Hey!” I say as I answer the phone.
There is a brief moment of silence before I hear him say “Liv” in a super low tone. Before he has the opportunity to say anything else I’ve put him on speaker and start sprinting to my car as I text the office manager.
Something is wrong.
“What's wrong, Cole?” I snap a little out of breath from the sprint.
“We had a call today, the old shed down Jameson Road caught fire,” he starts to tell me, and I feel every ounce of my heart sink.
Someone died. I know every member of that fire department. I know no matter who it is, I have to get home. We are family.
“Who?” I ask, yelling at this point.
Silence.
Then I hear a gulp as his voice shakes a little.
“Noah, Liv. It’s Noah.”
I can’t speak, I feel like I can’t breathe, like there are walls closing in on me.
“He’s okay, his leg is injured, and he definitely had some smoke inhalation but he is okay. We’re at the hospital with Mom right now to make sure.”
The panic is filling my body from head to toe, I'm shaking and probably shouldn’t be driving my car at this point but I'm on autopilot tearing through the parking lot on my way home to see for myself.
After an hour of driving, most of which was probably considered reckless, I pull into the hospital parking lot, when it all hits me.
I haven’t been in this hospital since Grandma died.
Since my entire world shattered and I can feel it shattering all over again. The wave of emotions crashing over me.
The overwhelming feeling of helplessness as she lay in this hospital, her body finally failing her years after her mind did.
The fear in knowing she was suffering, hating the state she's in but also not ready to let her go.
Let her leave our family, let her leave me.
The helplessness quickly turned into anger for all the same reasons I was heartbroken.
I feel my body freeze as I get out of my car, the same time I see Cole outside pacing back and forth. The moment he sees me he jogs over, engulfing me in a hug.
“Me too,” he whispers as I start to fight back tears. I wonder if this will ever get any easier. Will it ever be possible to set foot in this hospital without drowning in emotion and heartbreak?
Cole pulls away from our hug, emotions written all over his face which quickly turns into a soft smile and a laugh as he says,
“He is going to be pissed that I called you”.
“He can be as pissed as he wants. I would be here regardless,” I huff with a roll of my eyes. Noah has always made a stink when people fuss over him and will do everything in his power to avoid it.
Cole turns me toward the door, wrapping his arm around my shoulder like the amazing supportive big brother he is and looks at me and says, “Let's tackle this beast.”
Then we walk toward the hospital door. I have no idea if he is referring to the hospital as a whole or Noah. But either way, I can’t help but chuckle to myself as we make our way in.
Mom meets us halfway down the hallway to where the people who are admitted are. I’m confused as to why he was admitted if it “wasn’t bad.”
I start to tense up when Mom says, “Relax, it's precautionary for the smoke inhalation. They took him to get x-rays and we’re scheduling an MRI.”
My mother has worked at his hospital for as long as I can remember and is an absolutely amazing nurse.
She can read the room and meet not only the patients but their families where they are to give support, but she can also give critical information without bullshitting anything.
I feel my heart rate continue to race in my chest, knowing it isn’t going to calm down until I see him for myself.
“He’s being a bear of a human so just be ready for that, Liv,” she finishes.
I’ve seen Noah in one of his absolute worst moments and there’s no doubt in my mind that I can handle whatever he decides to throw at us today.
“Come one, let’s go wait in his room until he gets back,” Mom says putting her arm on my back.
Before we even get to the threshold into the room, I hear, “No. Go home, Ollie,” coming from behind me as we approach the door to his room.
Cole looks at me and whispers “He’s already kicked out every other member of the fire department.”
We step to the side of the hallway allowing the nurse to push him in his wheelchair back to the room.
I give her an apologetic look, knowing full well that he has been bitching about the wheelchair since they made him use it in the first place.
The poor girl just gives us a cautionary look in response.
“Thanks, Alissa,” Mom says when we all get back into the hospital room. “I can take him from here for now.”
Alissa nods politely and quickly turns to leave the room, confirming what we all knew, Noah is being a royal pain in the ass about everything.
He doesn’t even look at me before grumbling at Cole, “Why the fuck did you call her? I told you not to.”
Cole looks ashamed, defeated, and torn between his best friend and his sister and there is no way I'm letting Noah get away with hurting him. Not today.
“Hold on. You get to be grumpy because you’re hurt and you are in pain but you do not get to yell at anyone in the room or this hospital anymore today.
They’re here to help you, and by the looks of that leg, you need all the help you can get right now.
So let’s retry that statement again,” I interject before this conversation gets any more out of hand.
Mom and Cole look at each other, eyes big, shocked by my interjection. I have always been the shy, quiet girl afraid of confrontation so to see me stand up big and tall to the boy, well, man now who I have followed around forever is shocking.
Instead of responding, he scowls and stares at me, waiting for me to crack but what he doesn’t know is this is my everyday life and I will not break. Mom gently elbows Cole to prompt him to leave the room and give us some privacy.
“Good luck,” Cole murmurs as he passes by mem and Mom squeezes my forearm in reassurance before leaving.
Back to the silence. Back to the grumpy scowl and stare.
It takes everything in me not to walk over to him and do a once-over myself before we continue this conversation.
I can't help but gaze over his entire body to do a brief check and when I get to his face, I notice he is now looking at the floor.
He's no longer scowling or looking like the big angry bear he had been moments before. He looks embarrassed and ashamed.
It breaks my heart to see him like this. I walk over to where he is sitting in his chair and kneel next to him trying to look at his face.
“Ollie,” he says sternly, avoiding eye contact.
I soften my voice and place my hand on his knee. “Yes?”
“Why are you here?”
“Because Cole called me.”
“Cole calls you every day.”
“Yes?”
“So why did you come running in the middle of the day?”
“Because I care about you, and you literally could have died today, Noah.”
“I didn’t.”
I want to smack him for his smart-ass comment not knowing if he is joking or genuinely still trying to convince me to leave.
“So, go home, Ollie,” he says before I have the chance to respond.
“I'm not going anywhere. You can be mad at me and hate me tomorrow or the next day but right now you need someone to keep you from ripping that nurse's head off,” I say. “And especially not until I know for a fact that you’re okay.”
“I’m fine,” Noah replies with a raspy cough.
“Clearly,” I say, rolling my eyes. “Why don’t you tell me what’s going on? Why do you want me to leave?”
He still refuses to look at me and lets out a deep sigh. My patience is starting to thin because ultimately we are adults and this is childish. I understand he’s in pain and maybe embarrassed that the injury happened in the first place, but come on, let's use our big boy words and say what we mean.
“Noah.”
He sighs again, sensing my annoyance when I stand up and move away from him.
“It was my first real call with the department, and I messed up and got trapped. They got me out, which is great, but not at the risk of other members of the team. Cole is the one who moved the beam so I could get out. Ollie, would you still be standing there if I made it out and he didn’t because he was saving me?
” he attacks, pain lacing his voice. It comes deep from within his heart and I know this is about significantly more than just being injured and me showing up.
Jarred.
“Cole isn’t Jarred. Noah, you are alive, Cole is alive.
I know you’re reliving what is one of the worst days of your life, but you also know you cannot live in the past. It's the past for a reason. Jarred wouldn’t want that, Cole doesn’t want that.
Whatever happened to talking about your feelings and emotions?
Because you can’t control how you feel but you can control how you react to them.
” I say as carefully as possible, not wanting to send him into a downward spiral, but still hoping he’ll remember when he said it to me.
I can see his wheels turning and I know he’s remembering that day and I can’t help but wonder if the Army hardened that side of him. Does Dr. Doyle work with more than just military loss? Do they consider all aspects of a military personnel's life, past, present, and future?
“We weren’t advised to share and talk a lot about our feelings and it has been something Dr. Doyle and I have been working on over the last six months.”
Mom and Cole knock on the door as they round the corner with Dr. Armington, the local orthopedic surgeon. Dr. Armington is the surgeon who did my knee surgery in high school and I have a slight panic that this is the route we’re about to go with Noah.
“Olivia, hi, what a nice surprise!”
“Hi Dr. Armington, I hope you are well. Do you have an update on Noah’s knee?” I ask probably too quickly because I have zero patience and need to know what we’re dealing with.
Mom looks at me with a disappointed look, as if I'm being rude, but frankly, I don’t care.
I need to know so we can get Noah the help he needs without risking a downward spiral.
I work with EMS and first responders daily and it's critical to get all of the answers upfront so they can prepare to be out of work, and for when they’re going to come back.
“Good news! There is a mild sprain of the ACL and MCL, but surgery is not required. I recommend staying off that knee for the next two weeks entirely and starting a physical therapy program as quickly as possible. But you are looking at four to six weeks of recovery,” Dr. Armington says.
There isn’t a physical therapy clinic in Fisher Creek, and I know finding somewhere to go plus transportation has been almost impossible in the past. I place a hand on Noah’s shoulder, thank Dr. Armington, and hope they get the hint to leave.
“Why don’t we call Dr. Doyle and see if he has any emergency availability this week to check in with you? Then I will get you home and we’ll start getting everything set up for the next two weeks,” I say to Noah, already starting to pack everything up and look up Dr. Doyle’s number.
Noah doesn’t move, doesn’t look up, doesn’t speak in response, and I know this is where I have to be right now.