9. Chapter Nine
Chapter Nine
Sunny
Standing on the sidewalk at the edge of the school parking lot, I'm trying to talk myself into believing that it's not the real, actual gates of hell I'm trying to work up the guts to go through.
My heart is pounding out of my chest, I can't breathe, and I can feel a headache starting at the back of my skull. Class started almost thirty minutes ago. I showed up late on purpose, trying to postpone the awfulness, and now I'm frozen in place, panicking, and struggling to keep myself from getting sick.
I know I look like a complete idiot standing here. I know I'm only putting off the inevitable and making it harder on myself—confirming my already solid status as a freak in everyone's mind. I thought I'd be more ready for today. But I'm not. Definitely not.
One more year. Just one more year, and I’m out of this place. Once I'm gone, I’m gone for good. I'm never coming back.
It should be exciting to think about. It should give me plenty of motivation to get in there and get after it—mark another day off the calendar. But, all I can think about right now is how much I hate walking through those doors. The thought of facing everyone again makes my skin crawl. All the dirty looks and nasty comments. Judging me, acting like they know me, know my life.
I pull my sweatshirt tight around me, imagining it has the power to make me invisible. That it can somehow protect me against what I know is coming. But, even if it could shield me from the outside judgements there's nothing that can stop the little voice inside my head. No way to get it to stop playing the same old recording it's been stuck on since I woke up this morning. A girl like you doesn't belong with them, Sunny. You know it. They know it. You'll never belong anywhere and everyone knows why.
I should be beyond caring by now. I should've developed some sort of immunity to all of it, but, the truth is, I haven't. Every whisper, every stare, every disgusting little giggle and laugh when I walk by, is a cut. By the time that last bell rings and I’m starting the walk home it feels like I've been bled dry. Over the past five years I’ve learned to fake my way through pretty much anything, but, I don't think I have it in me today. I should just turn around and forget it. Try again tomorrow. Give myself another day to scrape the bottom of the barrel and pull together enough courage to make it inside.
My stomach twists again, tightening into a knot, and I make my decision. I can't do it. Not today. With a heavy sigh, I whirl around, ready to make my escape and start the long walk home, but, instead, I slam into something painfully solid. I bounce off, stumble backwards and struggle to stay on my feet.
A small yelp escapes as my backpack slides off my shoulder and falls to the ground with a heavy thud. A steady stream of curses falls from my mouth as I look up, wide-eyed, to see who or what I'd crashed into. My cheeks flush with embarrassment as I find myself staring into a familiar set of brilliant green eyes.
"I, uh..." I stumble over the words as they leave my mouth and shift uncomfortably.
Levi looks down at me, his expression unreadable. "You okay, Angel?" he asks, concern heavy in his voice.
I nod quickly, frowning at the ridiculous name, as I drop down on one knee to grab my backpack. "Yeah. I didn’t see you there. Sorry." My voice comes out quieter than I’d like and I have to work to keep it from shaking.
He crouches down to help, but I snatch up the bag before he can reach it. "Don't. I can get it," I mutter, as I sling the bag over one shoulder and stand.
Levi straightens up, watching me shift my weight. "You skipping class or something?"
"No," I reply, a little too defensively. "Just running late." I feel my cheeks heating up again, and I look down at my feet, concentrating on the sidewalk crack under my toe. "What about you? Hanging out in parking lots, sneaking up on people being all creepy?"
A small smirk tugs at the corner of his mouth. "Sun-ny. And here I thought you were starting to like me."
My eyes snap up to his.
I wasn't expecting to hear him say my name. Not my real one. He's called me Angel for weeks now and I've never bothered to correct him. Every Saturday afternoon I get a note slid under the door inviting me to a party he knows I won't show up to. Every Saturday night about midnight I'm sitting on the stairs in my backyard watching what normal looks like from a distance.
Levi always shows up. He sneaks away and comes to sit with me. We don't really talk about anything important. Mostly we just sit there, being. It should feel weird, but somehow it's not. It's the exact opposite of that. I like it and if I were honest with myself, which I'm not ready to be yet, I would say that I've started looking forward to it. A little. Until this moment I couldn't imagine him calling me anything else.
But now, hearing him say my name...
My heart stutters at the way he stretches out each syllable, like he's tasting each letter as it leaves his mouth.
"I told you I'd find out what your name was." His voice is playful, teasing. "So. Are we ready to go in?"
I search his face for anything, any hint of cruelty that would warn me to turn around as fast as I can and walk away, but there's none. Not a trace. I adjust the pack on my shoulder and narrow my eyes. "Wait a minute. We? There is no we. There's me and there's you. That's it."
"That's exactly what I said. Me. You. We." He chuckles but stays standing there perfectly still and calm.
"You know what I meant. Why are you doing this to me?" The words slip out before I can stop them, and I immediately regret it.
"Doing what? I'm not doing anything to you. I got here late, saw you standing out here and figured you could maybe show me around a little. New guy, remember?" He shrugs, as if standing here with me is the most natural thing in the world, when I know it's not. "But, if you're not gonna stick around, you could probably talk me into that too."
His words hang in the air between us, and for a moment, I don’t know how to respond. His confidence amazes me. I can't believe how easily he seems to twist and bend things to fit what he wants.
I mean he is the new guy. That much is true. He's also the new guy who obviously has no plans to leave me alone even in broad daylight when it's in his best interest. It's only because he's got no idea what it'll cost him to be seen with me. If he did there's no way he'd be standing here trying to get me to agree to... whatever it is he wants.
After what happened with Garrett he thinks he knows everything—has seen the worst. But he hasn't. It's hard to believe Ryan or Zack or one of the other assholes on the team hasn't spilled every bit of awfulness about me they can.
Of course, maybe they did tell him. Maybe he thinks I'm an easy target. Maybe he's a crazy psycho with some sort of bizarre savior kink. Or worse, maybe he feels sorry for me and he's only being nice out of pity. Whatever the reason, we both know he's lying right now. We both know he'd have no shortage of volunteers who'd love nothing more than to show him around.
"I'm perfectly capable of making it through my day by myself, you know. I don't need a babysitter." My words come out sharper than I intended. I know I'm being a bitch, but I'd rather get the humiliation and disappointment of whatever this moment is over and done with. Today's already hard enough. "I'm not some charity case."
"That's not what I think about you," he says simply, in a low, even tone. "I've no doubt you can take care of yourself. But I’m here. And you're here. So..."
I hesitate, glancing back at the school. The thought of walking through those doors with him by my side, is horrifying. I've spent the past five years doing everything I can in my power not to be noticed. To make sure I fly under the radar. There is not one good thing that could possibly come from us walking through those doors together.
But, somehow it doesn't feel as wrong as it should.
It feels like maybe there's a chance that the whispers and stares won't sting as much with someone by my side. That it wouldn't be only me—they'd be talking about someone else too and that might make it better.
I give it one more try.
"I think you should go inside by yourself. There are plenty of girls who'd be willing to show you around. Really. The last thing you want is to walk in there with me. Trust me," I say, half-heartedly. He deserves one last chance to change his mind.
He tilts his head slightly and softens his voice as he speaks. "I do trust you, but, what I want, Sunny, is for you to pick a direction for us to head in. That's it. My fate is in your hands."
I bite my lip, still unsure about what I should do. A part of me screams that I should turn around, keep doing what I've always done, stick to the things that have kept me mostly safe and gotten me this far. Pretend the last few minutes never happened.
There’s another part of me—a quiet, dangerous part—that whispers maybe things could be different. That voice is reckless though. It’s a voice that always gets me hurt. A voice that’s been wrong before.
But as Levi waits, patient and unshaken, something in me gives way just a little. Just enough. I take a deep breath, release it slowly.
"Okay, fine. Let’s go."
As we walk, side by side, following the sidewalk as it twists and turns its way to the front doors, I realize for the first time in a long time that I'm not holding my breath. The dread I was feeling just a few minutes ago is still there but it's not quite as suffocating.
I glance up at Levi and for one tiny moment I feel something I haven't felt in a long time. Gratitude. Maybe I was wrong. Maybe I can actually make it through today.