Chapter 16
It’s six a.m., and like most days lately, I’m wide awake for no reason other than I just can’t freaking sleep.
It’s frustrating. Grabbing my phone off the nightstand, I turn on A Simple Song by Chris Stapleton, keeping the volume low, and I place it on the bed next to my belly.
I started doing this a couple of weeks ago, and even though I’m sure the baby can’t hear it, I like to think they can, and that it soothes them.
My body is changing so quickly, but it’s the mental changes that are the most interesting.
Like how I think about this little peanut every single day, constantly.
And how I wonder what it’s going to be like holding them for the first time, or watching Graham with them.
Then there’s Ellie Mae. I’m always imagining how excited she’s going to be to have a baby brother or sister.
She’s still so young, but she’s going to make the best big sister.
Watching the way she loves on Biggie Smalls and the chickens; I know it’s not the same thing, but she’s so gentle with them and she loves being around them.
She’s noticed my ever-growing bump, and even though she’s too young to fully understand what’s going on, sometimes it feels like maybe she does.
The other day, I got home before Graham, like I do most days, and I was sitting outside in the grass with his mom, watching Ellie Mae push one of the hens around in her little shopping cart like it was a stroller.
When she noticed me, she ran over and hugged me before sitting between my legs and resting her head on my stomach.
Ellie Mae proceeded to babble to my belly before she ran off again.
The moment was innocent, but so sweet, and I definitely shed a tear or two because of it.
The most unexpected change is how hyperaware I am and the constant worry—about something happening to them during the pregnancy, or during the delivery, and worrying about if I’ll know what to do once they’re here.
If I’ll be a good mom, a deserving mom. There was a part of me that worried about whether I'll be able to bond with the baby before they’re born, like maybe I’d feel no attachment to this life growing inside of me, but that’s already proven to not be true.
There’s this fierce, ever-present sense of protectiveness for them, and I already know there’re no lengths I wouldn’t go to keep them safe and make sure they’re happy and healthy.
I’m lying on my side, a pillow stuffed between my legs—because that’s the only way I can get comfortable lately—with the song on repeat.
I’m midway through the third listen when I feel…
something. It’s barely noticeable, and had I been up and moving around, I probably wouldn’t have even caught it.
I hold my breath and place my hand on my belly, then I wait. When it happens again, I gasp.
“Was that what I think it was?” I whisper to myself.
Did I just feel the baby kick for the first time? I’ve been not-so-patiently waiting for it to happen ever since I read you can feel kicks as early as eighteen weeks. It hasn’t happened, and I’ve been bummed about it, but I think that’s what this is! It has to be!
Shoving the covers off me, I jump out of bed and hurry out of my room.
Aware of how early it is and that Ellie Mae is still sleeping, I race down the hall as quietly as possible before bursting into Graham’s room.
He’s still asleep, lying flat on his stomach—lucky bastard—and it’s not until I notice his bare ass poking out from above the blanket that I realize I probably should’ve knocked.
He sleeps naked.
Of course, he does.
Flustered, I take a step back, planning to make a swift exit before he realizes I’m in here, but before I can, I run into the door and accidentally knock it shut. “Fuck!” I hiss. It didn’t slam hard enough to wake Ellie Mae, I don’t think, but it does cause Graham to startle.
Fuck, fuck, fuck!
As if this wasn’t bad enough, I very quickly remember what I’m wearing, and it’s not a whole lot more than what he’s got going on.
Cool.
Graham’s bare-ass naked and was sleeping, and I’m standing in his room like a freaking creep, wearing the shortest pair of booty shorts ever known to man and a sports bra.
Cool, cool, cool.
The bed creaks as I imagine him sitting up, but I can’t know for sure, because I’m still facing the door, holding my breath, with my shoulders clear up to my ears. “Charley?” Goddamnit, his sleepy voice is fucking hot. “What’s wrong? Is everything okay?”
The concern in his voice makes me feel bad, so I finally spin around and pray he’s covered himself up. “I’m so sorry.” I wince, my face scrunched up. “I didn’t mean to, uh… I should’ve knocked. I’m just gonna…go.”
“No, Charley, it’s fine,” he rasps, rubbing his eye with the heel of his hand. “What’s going on?”
I stay rooted in place for a moment, unsure what the best course of action is, but then I remember why I came in here in the first place, and I’m giddy all over again.
A smile splits my face as I run over to the bed and practically leap onto it beside him.
“I think I felt the baby kick!” I squeal. “Twice!”
“You did?” Graham’s eyes widen and his mouth curls up. There’re creases on his cheek from the pillow, and I hate how adorable I find the sight of it. “Can I try?” he asks. “See if I can feel one too?”
The question and the twinkle in his eyes make my chest tighten. Swallowing thickly, I say, “I think it’s too early to feel it from the outside, but you can try.”
His scent surrounds me, and it makes me feel all tingly inside.
I’m in Graham’s room…on his bed. He’s naked, and I’m practically there too.
It’s fine. Totally fine. It’s not like we haven’t already seen each other naked before.
This doesn’t have to be weird, even if my heart feels like it’s about to explode out of my chest as he places his large, warm hand over my navel.
His touch is electric, burning into my skin.
Flicking his gaze up to mine, he smiles, and for a moment, I forget how to breathe.
“What were you doing when you felt it?” he asks. “Maybe we should do that.”
I clear my throat. “Just lying in bed and listening to music.”
Graham looks down at my belly, rubbing his hand around. “Do you like music?” he says to the baby, and I nearly melt into a puddle. “Should we turn on some music? Would you like that, peanut?”
“I can go get my phone out of my room,” I offer. And put on some more clothes.
“That’s okay.” He shakes his head and reaches beside him to grab his own. “What were you listening to?”
My mouth is dry, and my tongue feels twice the size it should be.
Graham’s hand is still rubbing gentle circles around my stomach, and it’s making my brain go haywire.
“Chris Stapleton,” I finally manage. “A Simple Song, but I’ve also been playing Céline Dion’s Because You Loved Me and More Than Anyone by Gavin DeGraw for them too. ”
A smile tugs on the corner of his mouth. “You have?” I nod, chewing on the inside of my cheek as I pray he can’t tell how fast my heart is beating. “That’s really sweet,” he breathes, and a moment later, Céline fills the quiet air around us.
Graham sets the phone face down on the top of my belly, and I know he doesn’t mean to, but his knuckle brushes against my nipple, and it sends a ripple of heat down my spine.
Resting his head in his propped hand, he keeps the other on me as he peers up at me.
Neither of us says anything, but the eye contact is heady.
His hand is so warm, the skin rough as it rubs my bump, but he’s gentle—so gentle—and it’s not helping matters.
I try to keep my breathing even as heat pools between my thighs, Graham’s gaze like a physical touch all over my body. What is wrong with me? This is such an innocent moment, and all I can think about is mounting him like a freaking horse.
“Feel anything yet?” he questions, seemingly oblivious to the way my body is reacting to him.
I shake my head and swallow roughly. The song ends and another begins, but I can’t hear anything over the blood rushing to my ears.
Graham clears his throat, and his cheeks have the faintest splash of pink to them.
I wonder if he’s feeling like I am, or maybe I’m just a pervert and making this way bigger than it needs to be.
It doesn’t help that I’m hyperaware of the fact that one measly blanket is the only thing separating me from his naked body. A really fucking nice body, at that.
“Do you think it’s a boy or a girl?” he asks, his husky voice barely above a whisper.
A few weeks ago, Graham and I agreed to wait to find out the sex until the baby was born. It was my idea, and I didn’t think he’d go for it. It’s driving me nuts knowing I’m far enough along to tell, but I think it’ll be that much more exciting finding out once they’re here.
“Honestly, I don’t have a strong feeling one way or the other yet,” I admit. “What about you?”
Graham breathes out a small laugh. “I’m kind of thinking a boy,” he says. “But that changes by the day.”
“Maybe they’ll have your dark green eyes, and blonde hair like Ellie Mae.” I chuckle. “Remember how blond you were as a kid? You and Grace both, especially during the summer.”
“Yeah, it’s so funny how hair color can change so drastically over the years.”
“Do you think that’ll happen to Ellie Mae, or do you think she’ll stay blonde?”
He shrugs. “Her mom was a natural blonde, so I wouldn’t be surprised if she stayed that way.”
“Her blonde, bouncy curls are so adorable,” I murmur.
“Yeah, they are.” Graham’s love for his daughter is written all over his face, and it squeezes at my chest. “I kind of hope this baby takes after you, though,” he admits.
“You do?” My heart jumps to my throat, making it hard to focus.
“I absolutely want a little black-haired, blue-eyed mini version of you running around, are you kidding?” Graham then brushes a strand of hair out of my face. I inhale sharply, feeling like all the oxygen in the room has been sucked out. “Your features are stunning, Charley. You’re stunning.”
I don’t know what to say, so I say nothing at all.
The air around us is thick, and I can’t be the only one feeling this spark between us.
And as his gaze drops to my mouth, I know I’m not.
Time stands still, only the voracious sound of my pulse in my ears as I lean in and drop my forehead against his.
Our mouths are a hair's breadth away, my lips already tingling in anticipation, but before we can go any further, a sound comes from the door, pulling our attention. It sounds like the knob shaking, and then when I hear a muffled, “Daddy,” I can’t help but chuckle as I roll away from him and climb off the bed.
“Would you look at that? I was right,” I drawl, throwing a smirk over my shoulder, as I pad over to the door and let Ellie Mae in.
She’s been trying hard for a couple of weeks to climb out of her crib.
Graham was convinced it wouldn’t happen for at least another year, but girlie was determined, so I guessed it would happen right before or right after her second birthday, which is quickly approaching.
“Looks like you finally mastered it, didn’t you, sweet girl? ”
Ellie Mae giggles before her short legs carry her over to the bed, arms outstretched for her daddy.
Graham pulls her up, and she nuzzles her face against his chest before rolling over to look at me.
“Come here,” she says to me, but it sounds more like “mere,” and I love it.
Walking over, I sit on the edge of the bed, smiling down at her before glancing up at Graham.
He’s already watching me, and it makes my heart skip a beat.
We almost kissed. My chest feels tight, and I don’t know if I’m more bummed that we didn’t or mad at myself for even trying.
Suddenly, it feels awkward being in here, on Graham’s bed, so I stand and run my fingers through my hair before huffing a dry laugh.
“Probably for the best,” I murmur, and I don’t miss the slight pinch to his brows.
Hiking a thumb over my shoulder, I say, “Think I’m gonna go let the chickens out. ”
Graham clears his throat and seemingly shakes off whatever thoughts were in his head. “Yeah, okay. I’ll be up in a minute, and I can start cooking breakfast.”
I nod, then direct my focus to Ellie Mae. “What do you say? Wanna help me let out the chickies?”
“Yeah!”
“Alright, climb up, girlie,” I say, spinning around and kneeling to allow her to jump on my back.
As soon as she does, I thread my arms around her legs as she does the same around my neck.
Biggie Smalls meanders out of Ellie Mae’s room as we walk down the hall, clearly having just woken up.
I’ve never seen a dog who sleeps harder than him. “Morning, ya big, lazy goober.”
Once we’re outside, I let her down as she runs over to the humongous chicken coop Graham built, Biggie Smalls trotting behind her.
She knows how to let them out all by herself, and she loves doing it every morning.
I sit on the steps, watching the chickens file out.
The dog bounces on his front paws, practically vibrating with excitement.
I think this is his favorite part of the morning too.
Ellie Mae runs around the yard, chasing the chickens while Biggie chases her.
The sweet, bubbly sound of her laughter has a smile spreading on my face.
Since moving in here, I can’t deny how attached I’ve become to her.
Playing with her every day, reading to her, watching the innocent way she explores the world.
I love her. I’ve always adored her, even before moving in here, but this feels different.
It’s like heart squeezing, chest warming, and in the same way I’m protective over this baby, I know I would do anything, in a heartbeat, to keep Ellie Mae safe. To make her laugh and smile.
Inside the house, I hear Graham moving around in the kitchen. The faucet turns on as he most likely washes his hands. Then music filters through the screen door, and my throat tightens when I hear the song. Gavin DeGraw, More Than Anyone.
Goddamnit.
I can’t believe I almost kissed Graham.
What was I thinking?
And it’s not the first time I’ve wanted to kiss him since moving in.
Letting our relationship go anywhere other than platonic would be foolish. I can’t go there with him. I just…can’t. It would make things confusing and messy.
I need to do better.
I need to be stronger.
Period.