Chapter 21 #2
I laugh, feeling a little ridiculous for how all this sounds.
“Charley seemed off last night when she got home from work, but she wouldn’t tell me what was wrong.
I knew something was bothering her because she’s been in a pretty good mood every other day this week, even though I’m sure she’s been exhausted, so I pushed a little harder for her to tell me. ”
“And?” Grace pushes.
“And she told me all the pregnancy hormones were making her…horny,” I say. “So, I told her I could help with that.”
“You did not!” Grace chuckles. “How gentlemanly of you. And that worked? I still need to know if this came out of nowhere or if there have been moments.”
“There have been a couple almost kisses, but that’s it. Charley made it clear she wanted this to be platonic when she moved in.”
“But you don’t?” she asks.
Scowling at her, I say, “I never said that.”
“Yeah, okay.” She snorts. “What did she say about last night?”
“She left early this morning before we had a chance to talk. So, I have no idea where her head’s at. I don’t know if it was just a one-time thing to scratch an itch, or if she wants it to happen again, or if she even has feelings for me.”
“Oh my gosh, Graham,” Grace interjects.
“What?”
“You are so down bad for your baby mama!”
“Don’t call her that,” I mutter. “And no, I’m not.”
“Oh, yes you are. It’s so obvious.”
I scoff. “How?”
“Come on, Graham,” she deadpans. “You’re a man—no offense—and men do not wonder what a hookup means unless they feel something.
If it was just a one-time thing to you, then these thoughts wouldn’t even cross your mind.
” Then she adds, “Besides, you act like I don’t know you, and know you had the biggest crush on her when we were kids. ”
My heart stutters. “What are you talking about?” I didn’t tell any of my sisters about my feelings back then, and as far as I knew, they were none the wiser.
She rolls her eyes. “Knock it off, I know you did. And to be honest, I kind of think Charley liked you too. I half expected y’all to announce you were dating for the longest time, but then you got together with Megan, and that was that.”
Gritting my teeth, I don’t say anything. I really thought they had no idea. Why did none of them say something back then? Why didn’t Grace? She was the biggest busybody, even back then.
“Does she know how you feel?” she asks when I don’t respond.
I exhale harshly through my nose. “I’m sure she has some idea, but I haven’t come out and said it.”
“Why not?”
“Grace, do we really have to talk about this? We’re supposed to be watching a movie.”
“Oh please, you don’t give a shit about this movie,” she mutters. “Now spill.”
“Because, Grace, Charley made it clear that she didn’t want to go there. She has always made that perfectly clear.”
My sister stares at me for a moment. “Okay, but you do realize Charley has a hard time voicing her feelings, right?” she asks, but gives me no time to respond before she continues.
“Her home and parents weren’t like ours.
She grew up watching her parents fight about everything, and then ignore each other after.
She was shown that communicating how you felt either led to an argument or the silent treatment.
Charley didn’t even know what healthy communication looked like until she started coming over to our house more. ”
“I know that about her parents,” I say, and not just from having spent time with them recently. I knew it back then too. It was why she spent so much time at our house, or in the sunflower fields. She hated being home. “I guess I just never thought about how that would affect her now, as an adult.”
“If you have feelings for Charley, you have to tell her, because she won’t be the first one to come out and admit her feelings,” Grace says matter-of-factly.
“Communication has never come easy to her, and while she’s gotten so much better the older she gets, it’s still something she has to try to do intentionally, because her natural reaction is to bottle everything up.
And honestly, what’s stopping you from telling her?
Is it Megan? I know it’s only been a year, so it would make sense if you’re not ready to move on yet. ”
I shake my head. “It’s not that.”
“Then what?”
Blowing out a breath, I run my fingers through my hair.
“So much is at stake right now,” I explain.
“There’s Ellie Mae, and the fact that I don’t want her to grow up seeing women come and go.
That’s confusing for a kid. Then there’s the baby.
I don’t want something to happen between Charley and me that affects how we co-parent together.
No matter how I feel about her, no matter how she feels about me, I want us to always be able to put that aside and do what’s best for the kids together. ”
Grace’s gaze softens. “Those are all very valid concerns, but Graham, something already has happened between you two. You owe it not only to yourself, but to Charley, and Ellie Mae, and the baby to at least make how you feel known. Because yeah, something could happen that makes being around each other hard, but it could also turn out to be one of the best things you ever did. And for what it’s worth, I don’t think you’re alone in how you’re feeling. ”
Heart leaping into my throat, I swallow thickly. “Did she tell you that?”
Breathing out a small chuckle, she shakes her head. “No, not in so many words, but even if she did, I wouldn’t tell you. Girl code.”
I click my tongue to my teeth. “Oh, because that’s not hypocritical at all after you forced me to tell you about what happened between us.”
“That’s different.” Grace waves me off. “You’re my brother and she’s my friend. I deserve to know these things.”
“Okay, well, can we get off this topic?” I ask. “I think that’s enough sharing for one day.”
Grace makes a face, like she’s trying to hold back a laugh, but then she nods. “Yeah, okay. We need to drink more wine anyway.”
I know Grace is right; I need to tell Charley how I feel.
I can’t let it fester and leave what we did up in the air.
But I also don’t want to spook her or make her uncomfortable.
If I admit that I want so much more than platonically raising a baby together and she doesn’t feel the same, I don’t want her to then feel like she has to move out. But maybe that’s a risk I have to take.
Charley won’t be back from her trip until Sunday, so I guess I have two days to come up with what I want to say.
No pressure.