16. Through the Fogged Glass
Chapter sixteen
Through the Fogged Glass
Monique
With Leo calling me on my father’s phone, it just. . .threw me in this state of shock.
My world spun, falling apart around me.
I could barely stand.
And it felt horrible to be away from Lei, but I would not bother him as he dealt with his father on the balcony.
So I stayed in the suite and fought with keeping my shit together.
I sat.
Then, I stood.
I paced.
Next, I sat again.
Immediately, I got back up and paced.
Nothing worked.
And every now and then, I gazed down at my father’s blood decorating my shirt. The sight of it shoved me further into a fog of grief so thick and disorienting that the world seemed utterly out of focus.
I can’t keep this on.
Torn apart, I stumbled to the bathroom.
I had to get the top off of me.
It’s wrong.
Once I stepped into the bathroom, a sanctuary of elegant tiles and porcelain greeted me.
There we go.
In the cool, white silence of this space, tears left my eyes.
I’m so sorry, Dad. I thought Leo would help. . .not kill you.
My hands shook.
I breathed in and out. Then, struggled with undressing. My fingers fumbled over the buttons, but once the pajama top was open, I frantically yanked it off.
The top fell to the floor.
Alright.
A wave of relief flooded me.
However, unclothing had done nothing for the guilt that kept rising in my chest.
I’m so sorry. We had our differences, dad, but. . .you didn’t deserve to die.
Crying, I slipped out of my bra, jeans, and underwear.
When I was all done, I wiped my tears away, stood in front of the mirror, and stared at myself.
Jesus.
My reflection held a mixture of despair and grief-stricken sorrow. No wonder Lei had cuffed himself too me. I still looked like I was one step from jumping off the ledge again.
I have to get myself together.
Covering my bare breasts, I hugged myself, turned toward the shower, and knew I needed to wash this day away.
But, if I do, then what will I wear?
I let out a long breath.
Doesn’t matter. Maybe Lei has an extra shirt or something I could put on.
I made a mental note to let Lei know that I would have to go to my apartment and get clothes. My nerves frazzled at the very idea of stepping into that space, but it needed to happen. Eventually, I would have to go back there and return to my life.
I can’t escape forever.
A cold shiver sliced through me.
Stress twisted in my head. As a result of my father’s murder, more responsibilities weighed my shoulders down. I would have to tell my sisters about his death, plan a funeral, find us a new place, move us there, pay off our debts, and figure out my future while helping them mourn both of our parents.
It’s too much.
I trembled.
Too much for one person.
I hugged myself harder.
Stop. Don’t think too far ahead, just yet. For now. . .take everything one step at a time. Wash. Then, dry. After that, I will figure out the next thing to do. . .and then the next.
I entered the shower and wrapped my fingers around the metal knob, turning it slowly and releasing a current of water that quickly heated up. The hypnotic sound of the rushing water was like an echo, a soothing white noise that served as a barrier between me and this new harsh reality.
Steam rose.
More warm water poured over me. It was more than just physical warmth. It was a balm—a gentle and comforting presence. Each droplet carried its own tiny ray of sunlight, caressing not just my skin but, somehow, my soul as well.
This is good.
I breathed in the faint scent of the soap—a delicate, floral aroma that was familiar and grounding.
I’m feeling a little bit better.
I shut my eyelids, reveling in the heat, noise, and aroma that surrounded me.
Too bad I can’t stay in here for the rest of my life. Just move in the shower and finish out my days.
I parted my mouth and could taste the faint tang of salt on my lips—a combination of sweat and tears that had mingled together. And it was oddly comforting, but I couldn’t explain why.
Second by second, I began to feel cleansed, not just on the outside, but deep within as well. Granted, my grief remained. The wounds of my parents’ deaths would not be leaving anytime soon. However, some of my heart wrenching pain had loosened its grip on my system, allowing me to breathe—to exist.
It was a small step, a tiny fraction of the healing process, but it was a step, nonetheless. And in that moment, it was enough.
More steam rose, swirling and dancing in a spiral motion around my body. The scent of roses and lavender drenched the air.
For the first time since being in the bathroom, I gazed around. This was the nicest space I had ever showered in. It was a far cry from the dark green closet-size area I washed in at my apartment. Add the fact that some days the hot water shut off because of shitty building maintenance, and I almost wanted to kiss Lei on the cheek for giving me this moment of luxury.
I guess. . .I’m glad Lei cuffed me to him. Even though that and this whole day has been. . .dark and insane.
I turned my back to the showerhead, allowing the water to stream down my bald head and spill around my shoulders. The sensation was both calming and invigorating, like a thousand tiny fingers massaging my flesh all at once.
Mmmm.
I reached for the liquid soap, lathering my head and body with this floral scent until suds covered as much flesh as possible.
The steam shifted to a misty cloud, making it hard to clearly see in front of me.
Perfect.
I closed my eyes, let out a contented sigh, and relished in the feeling of the water rinsing away not just the soap, blood, and dirt of the day, but my pain. My guilt. My grief.
A soft noise came from outside of the shower.
What is that?
Opening my eyes, I paused and stood still.
Warm water continued to cascade over me.
My heart raced as I strained to see through the thick foggy veil.
A man stood in the doorway, and he was tall and outlined in muscle.
Lei.
Shocked and surprised, I didn’t move.
Is he going to say something?
Due to the steam, I couldn’t make out his expression, but I could sense the intensity radiating off him. His gaze damn near penetrated through the fogged glass.
So. . .
I swallowed.
Should I say hi or something?
Lei remained there in that doorway, watching me and I wasn’t sure if he could tell that I was also watching him.
All I knew was that an electric charge throbbed through the space.
Meanwhile, I should have felt vulnerable or terrified. Instead, I experienced this strange sense of safety, like nothing could harm me as long as he was near.
A pinch of desire sparked in my core too.
He was clothed, and I was naked.
Shit like that made me horny.
Does he know that I can see him?
I could barely make him out in the fog. Perhaps, the mist clouded his view of my face too.
I quirked my eyebrows.
Maybe, I can be like. . .hey, come in and wash up. No. That’s stupid. How about? Are you dirty? No. Don’t say that.
He continued to watch me.
Hmmm. He surely sees something.
A wicked smirk hit me.
I know one thing. If you bring your ass in this shower, you won’t be a virgin anymore.
At the very thought of messing with him, my heart thudded in my chest.
Moni. Stop that.
Regardless, with the way Lei was staring at me. . .it felt as though he saw not just the woman I was, but the woman I’d always yearned to be.
Then. . .slowly. . .he backed up and closed the door.
I exhaled, not even realizing that I had held in my breath.
What the hell was that?
Warm water continued to flow over my body.
Although Lei had left, his presence remained in the shower with me, intensifying the heat and steam.
That was kind of. . .sexy. Honestly, I wouldn’t mind some. . .dick during this tough time.
My thoughts ran down the path of wickedness.
Fucking always gets the mind off of pain. Didn’t some great philosopher say that?
Then I realized who I was talking about. This was Lei—a man who had spent his entire life obsessing over one woman to the point where he had remained a virgin.
Now that is clear devotion.
Lei had basically done a vow of chastity for her.
And for no damn reason it seemed. I mean. . .how did she not fuck him? I was not trying to judge a dead woman, but spoiler alert. . .I would have fucked him.
Now she was dead, and by his father’s hands.
I shook my head.
Chill, Moni.
Sex would be the last thing on Lei’s shattered mind. That sort of disciplined and honorable guy didn’t do a little mourn-fucking on the side. And I wouldn’t play with his emotions and attempt to take advantage of him.
Leave him alone.
Blowing out a long breath, I turned around and let the water spray against my face.
I had to get a grip on reality.
The last thing I need to do is add Lei’s rejection to my guilt and grief, because if he isn’t fucking his harem—women trained to pleasure him—he will not be hooking up with me.
I struggled with thinking about other things. Unfortunately, my mind rode a haze of arousal. Lei’s sudden appearance clearly had an effect on me.
I really do need some dick though. . .and some rum. . .and maybe even a joint.
While taking care of my sisters, I had only focused on work and feeding them. I kept drinking and weed to an almost nonexistent minimum. All dollars went to their needs—bills, school supplies, clothes, etc. Not recreational drug use. I didn’t even indulge in a cheap bottle of wine, when that money could buy slices of cheese and thicken TT’s already pitiful, barely-filled sandwiches.
Therefore, one silver lining in this very dark cloudy day was that I could get a little break away from them and be. . .irresponsible for once.
I hope they have drinks at the dinner. I won’t wild out, but I will get low key fucked up. I’ll just chill in the corner, all silent and drunk. It would be nice to add dick to this evening though. . .
Duck’s face came into view and the comment about the corkscrewed penis.
Well. . .he could be an option. Right? I mean Lei is not trying to give me any.
I chuckled at the thought of flirting with Duck, knowing I wouldn’t mess around with him. It was just nice to get my mind off the tenser things going on.
I need to sit my hot ass down.
Then, Lei’s image standing in the doorway returned.
My body hummed with need.
Could he truly see me? Did he. . .like what he saw? What was going through his mind?
I knew that if Lei made some sort of move, I would let him. Even with the coat and outfit he wore, I knew muscle wrapped around his body.
He’s got to be packing too, right? He surely walks around like he has a big one.
Was it wrong to crave the intimate balm of sexual companionship in my mournful loneliness?
Was it bad to seek solace in the arms of a stranger while loss loomed in the background?
In that car, I had declared to myself that I would help heal Lei as he protected and mended me.
Would healing through sex be so bad?
Lust drummed through me.
You’re just horny. Leave it alone.
I would have touched myself, if not for the fear of Lei walking back into the bathroom again.
Plus, you’re forgetting that he is still devoted to this Chanel. That is where his heart and mind remain. Do you really want him fucking you, while thinking about her? Ewww.
I exhaled.
Don’t start any bullshit and add more problems to your life.
I swallowed.
Be there for Lei, but. . .keep your body for someone who will see your face, not another woman’s.