29. An Emotional Rollercoaster
Chapter twenty-nine
An Emotional Rollercoaster
Lei
I gripped Monique’s arm like a shipwrecked sailor clinging onto the last piece of driftwood in a chaotic sea.
Her pulse beat against my fingertips. It was urgent drumming, intoxicating and empowering yet also driving me insane.
Our bodies were so close that her warmth felt like an inferno, burning away every rational thought until nothing but pure emotion remained.
My having Chanel’s body made Monique no longer want to be a part of my shit show.
Now the choices were to either keep Monique hostage or release her.
Of course, I could see the arguments for both sides.
On one hand, letting Monique go meant respecting her wishes and honoring her feelings.
It meant doing what was morally right and just.
But, on the other hand, keeping Monique meant not being alone, and not being forced to confront the gaping hole left by Chanel’s death. It meant retaining some semblance of comfort, even if it was just an illusion.
In my heart, I knew that holding Monique against her will was wrong. Yet, the thought of being alone, of finally letting go of Chanel, felt tragic and harmful too.
Here, I found myself in this philosophical tug-of-war that left me feeling raw and exposed.
I exhaled, the sound harsh and shaky. My grip on Monique’s arm relaxed. I slipped my fingers down to her wrist.
Her brown eyes met mine.
“Lei,” she pleaded, her voice barely above a whisper. “Let me go.”
My voice grew rough with emotion. “If I won’t let a dead woman leave me, and you. . .so warm, so soft—”
“Lei. . .” She swallowed. “I’m not Chanel, and I’m not dead. You will not keep me against my will.”
“I kept you yesterday.”
“It was a fucked-up day, and I wanted to stay. That’s the difference.” She tried to yank her wrist away and step back.
I kept her next to me. “I will give Chanel back after I kill my father. Compromise with me on that.”
“That’s not fair to her family.”
“You don’t even know her family—”
“I don’t need to know her family to care about them.” She scowled at me. “And the fact that you are not considering their feelings is the reason why I don’t want to be by your side.”
Her words were shards of glass tearing through my heart.
I gritted my teeth. “Don’t say that.”
“I can’t help it. I’m disappointed. I thought you were better than this.”
Fuck.
I closed my eyes.
Keeping Chanel’s body with me was a strange, morbid desire to possess something that was irrevocably lost.
I knew that.
But Chanel’s body was my last tangible link to a past life that had slipped away fast like sand through my fingers. Letting it go would mean the end, the true end, and I was terrified of that finality.
I opened my eyes.
Monique still had her gaze on me.
And here she was—this new woman that I had just met yesterday. Somehow so quickly, she had become my lifeline to the present. My beacon in the fog of grief and loss.
In such a short time, she gave me warmth and laughter, love and comfort.
She brought light to my darkness.
I spoke through clenched teeth, “Don’t force me to do this.”
“Then, don’t you force me to do this either.”
I glared. “You promised you would stay with me.”
“I didn’t have all the necessary information.”
“Doesn’t matter.”
“Lei, it really does.”
I let out a long breath. “Don’t make me do this to you, Monique.”
“Do what to me?”
“ Truly keep you hostage.”
She frowned. “You can’t keep me hostage.”
I raised my eyebrows. “Is that what you think?”
“I know you’re the Mountain Master, but. . .” She shrugged. “I do have options.”
Intrigued, I loosened my grip on her wrist. “And what are those options?”
“Banks and Marcy.”
Is she serious?
I let her wrist completely go. “Get your phone out.”
She stepped back. “Why?”
“Call them. I would rather you know now, than have to find out later.”
“Find out what?”
I leaned forward, letting my gaze bore into hers. “That if Marcelo even tries to take you from me, I will not only rip his head from his spine, I will turn all of the South from green to blue, simply due to his audacity.”
She widened her eyes.
“You want a war over you,” I spoke through clenched teeth. “Call them. I have the men.”
“It would not have to be a war—”
“You don’t leave my side.”
“Lei,” she shivered, “You can’t keep me forever.”
The hell I can’t.
I swallowed, tasting the bitter tang of fear in her words.
“And you can’t keep holding onto Chanel, either.” Monique shook her head. “She’s gone. At some point, you are going to have to deal with her death in a healthy way. Or. . .pain and darkness will destroy you.”
Tears stung at my lids.
I clenched my fists. The urge to lash out at Monique and scream overwhelmed me.
But I couldn’t.
Not when she was the only one who was keeping me grounded.
Taking a deep breath, I forced myself to calm down.
Monique raised her other arm and rested her hand on my bare chest. The touch was so electric, the world seemed to pause for a brief moment.
“However. . .there is the other side of things,” Monique whispered, “Chanel is here. In your heart. Not in that decaying body.”
I shivered.
Monique moved her hand from my chest and pointed to my head. “She’s here, too. You can always think of the memories. And fuck it. . .since you are clearly okay with being. . . different . . .you can talk to Chanel in your head, too.”
Monique stepped back and placed her hands to her side. “I have never told anyone this, but I talk to my mother in my head all the time. Sometimes we have full conversations to the point where I swear to God, she is right next to me. . .and maybe she is.”
Monique’s words brought a smile to my lips, even though I wouldn’t show it.
“But anyway. . .” Monique held her hands out. “I’m not standing down on this, and I’m not compromising with you on having her body. Come on, man. It is outrageous.”
The line of my jaw twitched.
“You say you would start shit with my cousin and Marcy, if they came and got me.”
I eyed her.
“And although I really don’t want that, I would still call them.” She fisted her hands. “Because in the end, I would rather we all fight, than for me to stay by your side and pretend like everything is cool with you being absolutely and insanely selfish.”
Goddamn it.
She glared. “And by the way, if you or your people hurt my cousins. . .I’m fucking you up.”
I wanted to scream so bad, my whole damn core shook.
What is this? Why can’t she just simply bend to my desires?!
Chen would have stood down.
Duck and the rest of my men too.
And then there was this odd thing happening within me due to her goddamn stubbornness.
As I watched hot defiance spark in her eyes, this unfamiliar warmth spread through my body. It was a heat that had nothing to do with desire, and everything to do with admiration. Despite the daunting situation, she held her ground, her chin high and her eyes brimming with a courage that left me speechless.
I swallowed.
Slowly, Monique slid her hands into her pocket and took out her phone. “So. . .what do you want to do, Lei? Deliver Chanel to her people or have another battle with my cousin and me this week. . .in addition to dealing with your father? Or. . .you can just let me go. That’s three options.”
“I’m not letting you go, so take that one off.”
She blinked. “Then two options, deliver Chanel or fight my cousin, Marcy, and me.”
The air hummed with the intensity of our confrontation.
There she stood, this delicate creature wrapped in an unbreakable armor of strength. My gaze traced her body, from the set of her shoulders to the clenching of her fist as it held the phone.
Her lips, usually curved in a sweet smile, were set in a tight line of determination.
But it was her brown eyes that truly captivated me. Within their depths, I saw a flame that refused to be snuffed out—a relentless strength that could weather any storm.
She was a force to be reckoned with, and her determination was slowly chipping away at my resolve.
I ran my fingers through my hair, needing to do something with my hand.
It was a strange sensation, to feel my convictions crumbling under the weight of her words.
I had always been the Mountain Master, firm in my decisions, unyielding in my commands. But Monique, with her fiery spirit and defiant gaze, was breaking through the walls I had built around myself.
What the fuck?
The heat within me grew.
My heart pounded in my chest.
I knew I could destroy Rowe Street Mob, but Monique made it clear that she would be on their side. And I never wanted to battle against her.
Monique whispered, “Lei? What’s your choice?”
I glared at her. “Give me a fucking minute.”
To my shock, she whispered, “We don’t have a minute. She is already. . .rotting away. Think of her family.”
My voice went low. “I’m scared. . .”
I couldn’t believe I confessed that.
Monique quirked her brows. “Scared of what?”
“Scared of forgetting Chanel.”
“From what I see, you could never forget her.”
“Then, I’m scared of being alone.”
The weight of those words pressed down on me. It was a truth I had never voiced before, a reality that had haunted me since my father killed Romeo and Chanel.
“You’re not alone, Lei, and you never will be.” Her gaze softened, and a spark of understanding lightened her eyes. “You have tons of men and women that you rule over.”
A bitter chuckle escaped my lips. “I’m alone even when they are around me.”
“You’re not. They adore you. I’ve seen that shit.”
“Sure. I have their loyalty and even their obedience is absolute, but they could never fill the gaping void that Romeo and Chanel have left behind.”
“Well. . .” She touched her chest. “This might not be much, but you have me, too.”
That simple statement sent a jolt through my body.
My heart ached at the possibilities. “Do I?”
“Of course, because we are...” Her gaze searched the sky, as if she could pluck the perfect words from the canvas of blue and white above us. The pause stretched on, each second pounding in my chest like a drum.
“Because we are. . .friends,” she finally said, but it wasn’t a surrender, it was a statement. As if, in her search for the right word, friends was the most accurate description she could find.
Her next words hit me like a freight train. “Honestly...after all the shit we’ve been through together already. We will probably end up being best friends. . .forever. I would love that.”
I parted my lips.
She looked down at the ground. “Sometimes as I take care of my sisters, I feel alone, too.”
“Best friends?”
She put her gaze back on me and shrugged. “I’m no Mountain Master, Lei, but I want to have your back. If you ever need to call me up, I’ll drop everything and talk to you. And you can always come by my place. . .wherever that will be. The East. The South. You’ll get the address, and we could always hang out.”
I studied her.
This concept was foreign to me. It was a strange twist in an already tumultuous sea. I considered what she just said—the possibilities her words held.
Best friends.
Could I find comfort in Monique’s friendship? Could I trust her with my grief, my anger, my pain? Could I lean on her when the weight of my guilt and loneliness threatened to crush me?
As I looked at her, a ray of hope pierced through the fog of my despair.
I found myself considering a future where Monique was not a captive, but a true friend. A companion in this journey I never asked to embark on.
A solace in the chaos of my existence.
The realization was as startling as it was comforting. Maybe, just maybe, I was not as alone as I thought. And perhaps, in Monique, I had found a friend when I least expected it, and when I needed it the most.
Monique raised one finger in the air. “But I must add that best friends don’t let their besties ride around with dead bodies.”
I frowned.
“If you let Chanel’s body go, you definitely have me in your life. . .forever. But you can’t expect me to stay if you’re holding onto her body. It’s not good for you or everyone else.”
“And when I let go of her, what will truly happen to my mind, Monique? You think I will be okay?”
Those questions hung heavy in the air.
“Yes, Lei. Absolutely. Then you can move forward, and. . .” Her voice remained steady. “I’ll help you in any way you need. We can grieve together.”
This decision represented the hardest one of the week. It was like standing on the edge of a precipice, knowing that a single step could send me plunging into tragedy.
Despite the risks, I found myself teetering dangerously close to the edge of listening to Monique. The warmth radiating from her was overwhelming, her strength intoxicating.
In the face of her defiance, my fears seemed to shrink, their power diminishing under the bright light of her courage. I knew then that Monique was more than just a woman I wanted close to me.
She was the strength I needed.
The spark that would ignite my own path to healing.
As I watched her, my heart twisted with a slew of emotions.
I realized that my body was no longer just warm. It was burning. A flame had been kindled within me, fueled by her strength and determination. A flame that was slowly melting away the icy walls of my grief and fear, maybe replacing them with the warmth of hope and resolve.
Looking into her defiant eyes, I felt a shift within me. My resolve was indeed crumbling, but it was not a collapse.
It was a metamorphosis.
A transformation ignited by the strength of the woman standing before me.
I looked at her, the woman I’d come to find comfort in, to care for in a way that was different from Chanel but no less intense.
Monique’s words held a simple truth that I’d been avoiding. Chanel was gone, and while I could cherish her memory, I couldn’t let it consume my present.
Monique disrupted my thoughts. “What are you going to do, Lei?”
“I need tonight to say goodbye to her body and then. . .” I swallowed. “I’ll tell Chen to have her taken back to her family in the morning.”
Monique closed the small distance between us and took my hand, further encasing me in her warmth. “Thank you. Her family will appreciate it, and. . .your heart, your soul. . .they will be better because of it. You will heal faster.”
“But I don’t want to heal if she disappears from my mind.”
Monique gave me a sad smile and squeezed my hand. “I have a feeling that Chanel will never disappear from your mind.”
Footsteps sounded off in the distance.
Then, Chen appeared at my side and glanced at our locked hands. Worry laced his voice. “Is everything okay?”
“Yes.” I looked at him. “Is Duck here?”
Chen sighed. “He’s getting stitched up by the doctor along with some of our other men.”
I leaned my head to the side. “Why stitch Duck’s scars when I’m only going to open them back up later?”
Monique let go of my hand. “What?”
Chen let out another sigh. “Since you need to make up for more sparring with Hu today, I believe that I can discipline Duck for you—”
“That’s not happening. You can’t save him from our discussion.”
Monique turned to me. “What do you mean you are going to open Duck’s scars back up?”
“Duck fucked up with leaving you there. He needs to be disciplined.”
Monique’s voice rose. “That doesn’t mean you hit him.”
“You got your way with Chanel’s body.” I scowled at her. “You will not get your way with this. Trust me.”
Chen nervously adjusted his glasses. “What’s this about Chanel’s body?”
My stomach twisted with an agonizing sadness. “Make preparations to have Chanel delivered to the Jones Family in the morning.”
Chen opened his mouth in shock.
I swallowed down some of my grief. “I will deal with Duck after dinner, and then. . .I will say goodbye to Chanel tonight. Due to all of that. . .I’m not training anymore today. I need a fucking break.”
Chen bobbed his head. “O-kay. But you did say we were giving Chanel’s body back? Correct?”
“Yes. In the morning.”
“Alright.” Chen bobbed his head again. “Good. Very good. Then, take your break.”
“No one bothers us today, including you. If they do, then I will personally make sure they regret it.” I grabbed Monique’s hand and led her away.