Chapter 6 #2
I grip the carafe tighter, as if the warmth might anchor me, help me lock another thing away.
Jules follows me into the kitchen and finds me staring down into my mug. “Wanna go axe-throwing?” she asks, bumping her hip against mine. “What was in the card?”
I hand her the envelope, and Jules's smile fades. We’ve had this fight many times. It’s no secret where I believe books should be bought. “Take it. At least you can load up your Kindle.”
Her eyes soften, though the concern doesn’t leave them. “Have you gotten sick again?”
She hasn’t forgotten what she implied last night, and neither have I. But I can’t go there. Not yet. I want to live in denial until I have no other option. Until hard evidence is presented to me.
“Wanna go ice skating? The resort rink is open today, and we’ve got time. The boys would love it.”
“Oh, look at you, thinking you can throw me off your scent.” She smirks. “I see exactly what you’re doing. But sure, I’m game. Let’s round up the troops.”
Jules claps her hands together the second her feet leave the kitchen, a general gathering her cadets. “Alright, fam. We’ve decided ice skating is on the agenda for this afternoon. Who’s in?”
“Ugh, you know how I feel about ice skating,” Mason groans. “I’m not going, that’s your thing, Syd. I hate it. If I’m going to be cold, I’m going skiing.”
I roll my eyes and catch James looking, something knowing in his expression. He remembers what I said yesterday. Mason has never returned the favor of pretending for me.
“I’m going to pass,” Ivy chirps. “I need to catch up on some work.”
“I haven’t skated in years, but it can’t be that hard, right?” James laughs. “I’m game.”
So it ends up being Jules, Tom, Leo, Beck, James, and me piling into their SUV. Jules takes the wheel, sunglasses on despite the gray sky, radiating the chaotic good energy she brings everywhere.
“Mom, put on ‘We Will Rock You’! We’ve got to get pumped for this!” Leo shouts from the back seat.
“Nah, dude. We need something else. Get ready to shake your tail feathers. Syd, you ready?”
It hits—the beat, the strut, the unmistakable riff.
Kesha blares through the speakers with her not-so-kid-friendly anthem about not needing anyone, especially a man, to validate your worth.
Tom rolls his eyes but throws his hands in the air and grooves to the tune, laughing at his wife, clearly convinced she’s the best part of the whole ride.
You don’t soften Jules. You roll with her.
Jules drums the steering wheel, singing along off-key. The bass shakes the car, the boys wave their arms with exaggerated attitude, and James smiles. A full, carefree smile, the kind that says he doesn’t give a damn how he looks. He grooves as well as a 6’3” man in an SUV possibly can.
As we pile out at the rink, she catches me by the elbow, pulling me aside while the men race Beck and Leo towards the skate rental.
Jules grins. “Thought you could use a reminder.”
“A reminder of what, exactly?”
“That you, my darling, are a badass.”
“Yeah, yeah. Thanks for the pep talk.”
“Syd, don’t do that.” Her voice lowers. “Sometimes the universe throws you something so ridiculously obvious to make sure you’re paying attention to what you actually need.” She lets it hang there before her grin returns, and she loops her arm through mine.
“God, I love you.”
“Obviously,” Jules says. “Now let’s go humiliate some men on skates.”
With the thump of Kesha still in my bones, I decide to let it all go, at least for now. When I’m on the ice, everything else fades. It’s always been that way. The ice was my first refuge, the one joy I didn’t have to ration or question. The only thing from childhood that felt unapologetically mine.
James steps onto the rink, a man at war with gravity. Arms flailing, he grips the wall with both hands, his face twisted in fierce concentration.
“Okay,” he mutters. “I’ve got this. It’s walking. On knives. With no friction. No big deal.”
“You good there, Bambi?” I skate backward in front of him, biting back a smile.
“If I fall and die, call my mom and tell her I went out bravely.”
“Bravely?” I laugh. “You’re clinging to that wall like it’s a life raft.”
He wobbles dramatically, nearly taking out Leo, who zips by with the finesse of a miniature Olympian. “Okay, wow. That kid is fast. Shouldn’t there be speed limits out here?”
I move closer. “Want me to get you a skating cart?”
James eyes me with mock horror. “I couldn’t live down that level of humiliation.”
“You know the thing about bikes? Same deal. You’ll fall on your ass a time or two. Start with small steps. Get a feel for the skates.”
He cautiously pushes off the wall. His legs wobble, but he stays upright. “Okay, okay. This is going well. My dignity’s still intact.”
“For now,” I smirk. “We’ll see how you do with turning.”
“Nope. Straight lines only. I’m a one-way train. No curves, no brakes, and no style.”
I laugh, and he looks at me. That seeing-you gaze he has. The one that slips past my walls and makes me feel unmoored.
“At least you’re smiling,” he says, a flush creeping up his cheeks. “My humiliation makes it worth it. Not a snort, but I’ll take it.”
Can he ever say the wrong thing?
I stay beside him, feeling protective of this gangly, uncertain version of him. I’ll skate off once he’s steadier.
“Aunt Syd, show me a spin!” Leo does a dramatic hockey stop at our feet.
“Not right now, I’m trying to keep James vertical.”
“No, no. I want to see this,” James says, edging back toward the wall. “Come on, Sydney. Show off a little.”
“She’s so good,” Beck jumps in. “She can do a bunch of tricks on the ice.”
“Okay, okay.” Heat blooms in my cheeks. But instead of downplaying it, I remember Jules’s words. “Let me warm up first.”
I skate off, building speed. With each glide, I push harder, falling into the rhythm.
The sharp scrape of blades. The wind against my face.
The way my body remembers what to do. I lean into a turn, gather speed, center myself, and spin.
Arms lifted, one reaching behind me, the other forward.
I twist into shapes my body hasn’t made in years until I’m breathless and shaking.
My hair is a tangled mess under my hat. My cheeks are flushed. My lungs are burning. A smile is wide and unfiltered.
Behind me, Beck and Leo erupt in cheers, their little fists pumping the air.
James exhales, the sound caught somewhere between his throat and stomach. “Wow. That was amazing.”
“Ah, it’s nothing a few thousand hours of skating lessons won’t teach you.”
He shakes his head, seeing through the brush-off. “No, that was something else. That woman? She owned her space.” He takes a few tentative steps forward, lowers his voice so the boys can’t hear. “A motherfucking woman who takes what she wants.”
The smirk tugging at his lips as he calls back the anthem from the car sends a rush of tingles through me. A wild, unhinged wave of possibility takes hold. I skate until my feet touch back down to earth.
I spend the next hour teaching the boys a basic spin while the man on the sidelines watches my every move. By the time we leave the rink, my cheeks are flushed from the cold, my muscles pleasantly sore. And for the first time in a long while, the smile on my face doesn’t feel borrowed.
James holds the car door open, his eyes catching mine for a beat too long. Something in my chest tightens. Whatever it is, it steals the breath right out of me.
“You looked really free and happy out there.”
If only I could stay in that feeling.