Chapter 37
Thirty-Seven
When morning finally breaks, pale and cold, I move through the house like someone surfacing from deep water, taking her first real breath after years of barely breathing.
Despite my lack of sleep, I feel renewed and refreshed. The rich aroma of coffee fills the air, and I breathe it in deeply, feeling, for the first time, truly free. No longer tied to a past defined by hurt, I look ahead to the future waiting for me.
Ivy appears in the doorway, her hair wild and sleep-mussed. She wears wide-legged sleep pants and a wrinkled, self-cropped college T-shirt. She settles onto a stool at the island, cradling her coffee cup.
“I’m sure you heard my fight with James last night.
He told me we’re over.” Her gaze settles on me, more searching than accusatory.
“I feel so lost. I don’t even know what I want anymore.
I’m thirty-two and asking the questions of a teenager.
” She pauses, and behind the heartbreak and questions, there’s a spark of life that’s been missing.
“You seem different. More sure of yourself. How did you find your way?”
“Mama!” Anna’s sweet voice sings through the baby monitor.
“I’ve got to get Anna.” I stand, but stop before I leave the kitchen. “The questions you’re asking are the right ones. They’re the ones it took me too long to be brave enough to ask.”
Ivy’s breath stutters, and tears gather at the corners of her eyes.
"The thing is..." I hesitate, aware of how hollow this might sound soon. "I was trying to meet expectations that were more about what I thought I should want than what I actually needed."
“What’s changed, though?” Ivy asks.
“Me. I’ve changed.” I let that settle before I continue. “I started choosing myself.”
“Mooooommmmaaa!” Anna’s voice rockets through the monitor again.
“I’ll see you later.” This time I hustle out.
With the speaker pressed to my ear, I listen to Anna’s laughter and the creak of the bed as she bounces.
James’s deep voice wishes her good morning.
He must have heard her through the open door and come to check.
I listen to their little conversation, and when I peek through the doorway, Anna’s wrapped around him, face buried in his shoulder.
“Hi Mama!” Anna exclaims when she spots me.
“Good morning, Bug,” I say, kissing her head. As I straighten, his lips brush against mine, brief and tender.
“Breakfast, Mama?” Anna asks, already focused on pancakes and syrup.
She’s blissfully unaware of the tension swirling around her. Last night, we ate pizza on the couch and watched a movie. She thought it was the best thing ever. Her focus stayed on Frozen while the rest of us barely ate, sipping our wine.
James lowers her to the floor, and she dashes toward the stairs. Before I can follow, he catches my hand, pulling me close.
“Mason and I talked last night,” I say. “We’re telling the family tonight.”
“Once Gary and Margaret arrive, I’ll take off. I don’t want to hurt Ivy any more than I have. She was pretty upset last night.” He squeezes my waist, and I can hear the exhaustion in his voice as he says, “I’m ready for all this to be over.”
I lean back into his body for another second. “As long as things don’t go too badly tonight, I should stay through tomorrow. Give Anna one last Christmas with me and Mason both there. Maybe we can meet at the resort?”
“I’m not leaving here without you. That’s the only thing I know for certain.” He quickly kisses me.
“Pancakes?” Anna reappears in the doorway, her face lighting up as she sees us standing close and whispering. She steps between us, grabbing each of our hands.
“Yeah, love. Let’s make pancakes.”
Over the next several hours, the house fills with the familiar chaos of a family reunion. The high-pitched squeals of children mingle with the low hum of adult conversation as new arrivals catch up, easing some of the earlier tension. And for a while, the air feels normal.
James shows Gary and Margaret the extras he constructed around the hot tub. Margaret comes upstairs with tears in her eyes, asking us all to see.
She leads the way, with Jules, Tom, Ivy, and me following closely. James trails behind, hands shoved in his jeans, and chin tilted down. When she throws open the doors, her arms lift, unveiling the masterpiece.
“Wow, this is incredible.” Jules scans the setting, then cuts her eyes to me. “I bet it’s very romantic at night.”
I swallow hard, fighting the heat rising in my cheeks, and turn to examine the wood work.
“I can’t thank you enough, James. Gary was beside himself when the construction crew called. And I can’t believe what you created here.” Margaret looks to Ivy, a silent question in her eyes, before turning back to James. “Will you stay with us for Christmas? It’s the least we can do. Right, Ivy?”
“This is incredible, James. And please stay.” Ivy leans against the doorframe and says, “Someone said something wise to me today. And it’s time I move on. I won't make it awkward.”
She keeps her head high and shoulders squared. She might not be truly over it, but I see that she’ll be okay.
Tom grabs James and starts asking him questions about the construction, while Margaret and Ivy wander inside whispering to each other. Jules comes up next to me.
“When are you and Mason telling everyone?” she asks, keeping her voice low.
“Maybe before dinner? I didn’t actually ask him when he wanted to do it, beyond agreeing on today. I haven’t seen him all day. I think he went skiing.”
“And do you want to tell me about how amazing the hot tub is?” Jules grins and pulls me away from the men. “Come on. You can’t tell me you guys didn’t test this out the other night.”
I look over to James. His head tilts, half listening to Tom, half listening to us. When our eyes lock, heat floods my body.
“Let’s just say it exceeded all expectations.”
“Well, well, well. Someone finally got their Christmas miracle. And it came with excellent... construction skills.”
A laugh bursts out of me—that loud, ungraceful snort. My hand flies to cover my mouth as I look over at James. He’s standing there grinning. I’m grateful it’s only Jules and Tom here because the way he’s looking at me right now, there’s no hiding the love in his eyes.
“This right here is what I’ve always wished for you. Him grinning like a fool because you made that awful noise, you blushing because he’s grinning. Someone who thinks your weirdness is wonderful.” Jules kisses my cheek. “I love you.”
My throat tightens as I blink back the wetness. Finally tearing my gaze away, I clear my throat.
“Come on. We need some wine before you make me cry. And help me figure out what to say when Mason and I tell everyone.” I pull her away from the men and into the cabin.
***
As the sun dips lower, painting outside in shades of rose and amber, I stare at the untouched landscape, the snow glowing in the last wash of daylight, serene and undisturbed. Everything I wish I could feel. This conversation with the family can’t come soon enough.
“Oh, Anna,” Beck calls, glancing up from his phone, something mischievous crossing his face. “I heard the tickle monster’s on his way. You'd better run. Attack!”
Anna’s shriek pierces the quiet, followed by a stampede of little feet as the kids tear through the room in a chaotic game.
Their laughter fills the space, bright and careless, as they weave between furniture and adults like water around stones.
Within moments, the room empties of children, their game spilling into the basement, leaving a sudden, heavy quiet in their wake.
It’s the kind of quiet that feels expectant.
Mason approaches me, his footsteps heavy as if moving slowly enough can stop what’s coming. He holds out a glass of wine, an oddly formal gesture.
“Are you sure about this, Syd?” he asks, his voice matching the lost look in his eyes. “What about counseling? We never tried that.”
“Please don’t. I’m not changing my mind.”
“I could tell something shifted a few years ago. But every time I tried to figure out how to fix it, I came up empty-handed. I didn’t know what broke us.”
“We’ve had this conversation plenty of times. We... grew apart. We met at twenty-six. We’re forty now. People change.”
I draw in a long breath, trying to quell my simmering rage—keep this amicable as I’ve been doing the whole year. I see the others keeping their distance, pretending they aren’t watching.
“Think about Anna. Don’t we owe it to her to try harder?”
“How dare you?” The words fly out before I can stop them, my voice loud and unrestrained. “You think I haven’t thought about Anna? You think I haven’t spent every goddamn night agonizing over this for years?”
I step back, my breath coming faster. The room has gone silent. The family stands there, eyes wide, conversations forgotten. James’s gaze locks onto mine, fierce and unwavering.
“I’ve tried being nice, Mason, but the truth is, I need more. I want a partner who fights for me, who challenges me, who actually sees me. I would rather be alone than stay with someone who isn’t fully there or looks at me like I belong to him.”
Mason pales. The fire crackles. No one speaks.
“I’m sorry you’re finding out this way,” I say, my eyes sweeping across the others. “I moved out months ago and we’re getting divorced.”
As the finality of my words settles over the room, I meet each set of eyes.
Jules raises her wine glass. She’s been waiting for me to let loose on him for years.
Ivy stands in the doorway of the kitchen.
Her expression is harder to read, a complex mix of shock and realization.
The unsaid parts of our conversation earlier now make sense to her.
The fight I mentioned wasn’t philosophical. It was real, and this is the change.
Before the silence threatens to suffocate us, the kids thunder back in. Anna leads the charge, cheeks flushed, eyes bright. She throws herself into my arms.
Life doesn’t pause for change. It keeps going. And we must move with it.