CHAPTER 17 #2
I couldn’t believe how drastically the night had changed, from the car ride to the muddy trail path to now.
It was like we’d stepped into a different reality entirely, where we might’ve had a mud fight, but we’d never laughed together after it.
Where Beck had never cradled my head to protect my fall, and I’d never curled my fingers into his shirt to hold him close. As if we’d never had a truce at all.
“I didn’t let you take the blame because I thought you weren’t worth it,” I told Beck. I spoke the words slowly, softly, not overthinking them. “I didn’t think you’d get into so much trouble. I—I didn’t know. I was just afraid, and now…”
Beck looked back up from his phone with a stony frown, but the glow of his screen illuminated the shakiness behind the mask. The effort he put into keeping it in place. “And now?”
I stared at him, committing this version of him to memory. With spiky, mud-streaked hair and hard, flickering green eyes. He looked like an animal trapped in a corner, unsure whether the hand in front of him would strike or leave him behind. “I’m terrified.”
His forehead creased further. “Of what?”
Of myself.
Of messing it all up again.
Of letting myself be imperfect.
Headlights swept into the park then, and Jamie’s car bounced and crunched over the gravel of the parking lot.
He stopped just in front of the picnic table, leaving the lights on to illuminate where Beck and I sat.
I lifted my hand, blocking enough to see both the driver’s door and the passenger side door pop open.
And then—“What happened?”
I stood up from the picnic table, wiping at my cheeks again. The dried mud there smeared from the wetness of my tears. Jamie’s eyes were wide when he came closer, just as they’d been before I stormed out of the house earlier, except this time, they were filled with anger. “Jamie—”
“What did you do to my shoes?”
“Oh, your shoes, huh?” I felt like kicking them off at him. “That’s what you’re concerned about?”
Jamie came close enough to reach out and shove my shoulder, hard. “You’re so selfish, you know that?” he demanded, chest rising and falling hard. “Storming out without your phone, not coming home for hours—I thought you—I-I thought you could’ve—”
“You’d know if I was dead,” I muttered, rubbing at my shoulder ruefully. “Twin telepathy.”
“You scared me,” he got out, voice shaking. “And you’re cracking jokes?”
I hadn’t realized how serious he’d been. A twinge of pain pinched behind my ribs. “I’m sorry,” I whispered, wrapping my arms around his torso and hugging him tight. “I’m sorry.”
Jamie didn’t hug me back, just let his arms hang limply at his sides. “You suck.”
I hugged my brother tighter, guilt stirring inside me as thick as mud.
“And you’re disgusting,” Jamie grumbled, craning his neck away from me.
“What’d you do?” Daisy’s voice at my side had me jumping, even though I’d seen her door open. Her red hair was tied in a low ponytail, brought over one shoulder. She also had a towel in one hand, folded and propped in her elbow. “Roll around in dirt?”
I let go of Jamie, looking down at where smears of mud had pressed onto his shirt. Whoops. “Jamie called you?” I guessed.
Daisy raised her eyebrow at me. “Dude, Jamie called everybody. Even Carter, so you’re lucky Beck found you first.”
“You—you called him?”
Daisy reached out as if to pat my arm, stopping an inch away. She made a face at my mud-covered shoulder. “Everyone needs a breather sometimes. I’m sure it won’t make Carter look at you any differently.”
I hadn’t meant Carter, though.
Where were you going? I’d asked Beck when he found me at the gas station. When you left your aunt’s house.
I don’t know. Nowhere. The words had been rushed. Lies. I was just going for a drive.
Beck had come out to find me.
“You can take her from here, yeah?” Beck asked suddenly, and I turned to find him pushing up from the picnic table. He pulled his car keys around on a finger, not glancing at me. “I think I’ve been enough of a Good Samaritan for one day. Or a lifetime.”
Jamie caught at Beck’s arm as he walked past. “I appreciate it, man.”
Beck clasped Jamie on the shoulder, giving him a shake. Daisy offered him the towel, and he took it. “A fair exchange, if you ask me.” Then, without looking at me once, he went over to the convertible.
The three of us watched as Beck laid the towel down on the driver’s seat before climbing in, starting the car up, and quickly putting it into reverse.
“Okay, but seriously.” Daisy turned back to me. “Why are y’all filthy?”
“It’s a long story,” I said, immediately turning to Jamie. “Let me see your phone.”
“Really? You’re not going to ask anything else first—like if Carter was upset you bailed on the bay, or whether or not Mom and Dad are waiting to kill you the second you step in the front door?”
I shook my head, holding my palm out. “Your phone.”
Jamie grumbled as he passed it over. I went straight to the green bubble at the bottom of his screen, tapping it open to an awaiting message thread. Jamie had sent the first message about an hour after I’d left the house.
Is my sister with you?
Beck
Nope
Why? Everything okay?
She left the house and left her phone, and it’s been hours and I can’t find her. She’s freaking me out.
Beck
Can I call you?
There was a break in the text thread, presumably when Beck called Jamie. Two and a half hours later, though, Beck sent another text.
Beck
I found her. She’s at the gas station in Addison. I’ve got her
thank god. Is she okay?
Beck
Yeah. A little sunburnt, but fine. Fine enough to be stubborn. I’ll make sure she stays that way.
I’ll drop her off in a bit
And then another break, this time, another hour.
Beck
Hey, you think you could pick us up? We’re at the Biscayne Community Park and Trail
And if you could bring a towel, that’d be great.
“I’m surprised Beck even agreed,” Daisy muttered, reading the texts over my shoulder. “But I’m glad he found you. You freaked us out, Nell. You put so much pressure on being perfect, and we… well. You freaked us out.”
Given the hateful look Beck had shot me at the picnic table, I was surprised, too, that he’d gone out to help look for me. For two and a half hours, apparently. And instead of texting Jamie to come pick me up, Beck did it himself. Like he couldn’t just walk away.
I looked up at my brother and my best friend, both wearing expressions of matching relief. Jamie’s had more anger in his eyes, sure, but it was obvious—I had scared them.
“I’m the worst,” I told them, reaching for Daisy’s hand, then Jamie’s. I winced as I smacked my lips together, once more tasting grit. “I’m sorry. I didn’t even think about what you’d think.”
“You gotta give us a pass,” Daisy said, picking up Jamie’s hand, forming a chain. “Us creative thinkers always assume the worst.”
Jamie’s hand looked stiff in hers for a moment before he gave in. “We’re too alike in that regard,” he muttered. “Neither one of us could talk the other off the ledge.”
“Hey, I tried, but you wouldn’t stop crying.”
“I was not crying—”
“He totally was.” Daisy smirked at me. “It was very dramatic. You’d better feel loved, Eleanor Brighton.”
I didn’t feel loved—I felt awful. For Daisy, for Jamie, and for Beck. It was a good thing their hands held me in place, because at that moment, I wanted to disappear. P-U-S-I-L-A-N-N-I-M-O-U-S. Was it a verb? An adjective? A noun? Whatever it was, I felt it.
“Was Beck okay?” Jamie asked as we all got back into the car. He didn’t care as much about the mud, which was mostly dried now. “He looked…”
“Upset,” Daisy finished from the front seat.
I scratched at the mud on my skin. “I’m not really sure,” I said honestly.
Fun. It’s an easy word to spell. Why is it so hard for life to feel it? Beck had sounded so lifeless when he’d said it. It reminded me of a different time. I’ve never wanted to explode, but I have wanted to disappear.
I closed my eyes in the backseat, wishing I could dissolve into the leather.
I’d shower when I got home, wash everything off, but the grime from the evening would still remain.
It’d seeped through my skin already, stirring in my bloodstream.
Mom would probably yell at me, and maybe Dad would be behind her, the two of them on the same page for once, but I didn’t care.
For the first time ever, I didn’t worry about their impending disappointment.
I was too busy worrying about someone else.