Chapter 16 #2
Adonis had a good sense of his own personal boundaries. He had built them up over the years. He knew what kind of personal space he liked, and how to negotiate what was comfortable for him in any setting. He had no problem sticking up for himself and had had to do so several times over the years.
He could often sense when an unwanted touch was about to occur; still, Damien’s hands on him surprised him. Damien was talking, coaching, and instructing, but Adonis didn’t hear him.
In a quick maneuver, he’d skated out of Damien’s grasp, his heartbeat several beats faster than it was a moment ago. “I’m good,” he said evenly, his voice deathly calm and cold. “It will be easier for me if you show me yourself, rather than trying to help me do it.”
The message was clear: get your goddamn hands off of me, and don’t get any ideas, you motherfucker.
For a brief moment, Damien’s expression faltered, like he was debating something internally.
Adonis did not drop his gaze. Damien might be older and might have the power here, in the sense that he was a coach and Adonis was a skater, but Adonis had never surrendered power unwillingly.
And he never would. He would not give an ounce of power to Damien Zelinski.
He knew Damien would read that in Adonis’s steely eyes.
“Fine,” Damien said coolly. He played the song and embarrassed himself in an attempt to execute Adonis’s routine. Adonis stood, arms crossed, on the ice. Whatever power Damien thought he had was Adonis’s power, and Adonis wouldn’t give it up.
“Like that,” Damien said, out of breath, when he was done.
“Thank you,” Adonis said. “I understand perfectly, now.” He glanced at his wrist, even though he wasn’t wearing a watch. “It’s time for me to go. Anamária will let you know if we’re practicing again.”
He left the ice without another word.
He was in the locker room when his hands finally started to shake.
——
“He did what?” Clarisse said, slamming her latte down on the café table, causing foamed milk to slosh onto the wood. It was a week after the incident with Damien, and Adonis and Clarisse were having a homework night together in one of Bellford’s on-campus coffee shops.
Until now, Adonis had kept to himself what Damien had done.
He didn’t want to tell his mother, and was certainly not going to tell Bash (he didn’t know why that thought had even crossed his mind), but he at last decided to tell Clarisse.
She was his best friend, and she would have good advice for him.
If he could convince her not to string Damien up by his Achilles tendons.
“That motherfucker,” Clarisse hissed. “I’ll kill him. Actually, no. I won’t kill him. Death is a mercy. But I will castrate him with a blunt figure skate, and then I will take him to the Disciplinary Office and I’ll—”
“Clarisse, wait,” Adonis said with a sigh. “That’s not how I want to handle this.”
“How do you want to handle this?”
“Well, I’m not sure I really want to handle it. I think I did a pretty good job of setting a very clear boundary with him after it happened, letting him know that putting his hands on me in that way was inappropriate and wouldn’t fly with me.”
“Did you say that exactly?”
“No, but unless he’s as stupid as he looks, I think he got the message.”
She made a face. “That rat. I’m sorry that happened.”
“Me, too. It makes me worried that it might’ve happened with other skaters.”
“Unfortunately, I worry that it might’ve,” Clarisse said. “This shit is too common. Did he hurt you?”
“No.”
“Good. Then I would castrate him.”
“I don’t deserve you.”
“Now you realize that?”
“Let’s change the subject. We’ve given that rat enough brain power.”
“We have. What should we talk about? I don’t want to study.”
“How are things with Robbie?”
Clarisse shrugged. “They’re fine. How are things with Bash?”
Adonis almost spat out his coffee. “What things with Bash?” he said as casually as he could muster.
“Please, I’m not blind,” Clarisse said. “The two of you are obviously fucking.”
“I—we—what?”
She smirked at him.
“We haven’t fucked yet,” Adonis muttered. “Just…other stuff.”
Clarisse squealed. “Tell me everything.”
Adonis finally filled her in on everything, though he spared her the most graphic of details about his encounters with Bash.
“So, it started on trivia night?” Clarisse gasped when he was done.
“Well, it didn’t start then, but that’s when I noticed he was…”
“Hot and dominant as fuck?” Clarisse finished for him.
“To put it delicately, yes.”
“This is even better than I was expecting. So, do you talk when you’re not hooking up? Like, do you hang out?”
“We text, but we don’t really hang out.”
“How often do you text?”
“Every day.”
“Just coordinating your next hookups, or…?”
“I mean, there’s that,” Adonis admitted. “But it isn’t just that. We talk about our lives, or classes, or just how our days are going. Like, he was in the Netherlands over Fall Break and sent me lots of photos of what he was doing. And photos of his dick.”
“Jesus Christ. So, you’re basically dating.”
“No, we’re not.”
Clarisse gave him a highly skeptical look. “You’re hooking up, and you’re talking every day about your day-to-day lives, and he’s sending you pictures of his trip? I’m gonna start working on my maid of honor speech.”
“Good god, Clarisse.”
She reached across the table to squeeze his hand. “No, I’m happy for you, Adonis.” A look of concern flitted through her large, dark eyes. “That is, if you’re happy? Is this what you want?”
“What do you mean?”
“Do you want a no-strings-attached sexual relationship with him?”
“Yes, it was partly my idea. Neither of us has time, actually, to date someone right now. We have to schedule our fucking hookups on our calendars. Imagine if we were actually dating.”
“Dating is hard, especially when you’re a student athlete,” Clarisse confirmed. “But, hey, Jane and Weston have made it work.” She shrugged. “And maybe me and Robbie will make it work. What’s to say you and Bash couldn’t make it work?”
“My mother.”
“She doesn’t have a problem with you being gay, does she?”
“No, not at all. It’s more of a problem with the concept of dating, which she thinks will distract me from skating.”
Clarisse nodded. “I see. Anamária, single-minded as anyone I’ve ever met.”
“Unfortunately.”
“Well,” Clarisse said. “As long as you’re not just feeding me a line, and you really are happy with this arrangement, then I’m happy for you.”
She raised her hands in a gesture of innocence.
“I know I don’t always understand the complexities of gay male friendships, and how sex sometimes plays a part in that, but I will say that it would be hard for me to be in the situation you’re in, without developing feelings for the guy.
All that to say, I’m here to support you, whatever you need.
You decide you like him and want to date him, I’ll cheer you on and be your first supporter.
You decide you never want anything to do with him again?
He’s dead to me. You decide you want to sleep with him and a dozen frat bros as well?
I’ll buy the condoms. I want you safe and happy. ”
She hesitated and then added, “You know, you are allowed to choose your own happiness, Adonis. You’re so good at making sure that everyone else is okay, that everyone else is happy, that you’re doing exactly the right things to meet everyone else’s needs, but that sometimes I worry you’re not actually thinking about what would make you happy. ”
Adonis grimaced at his coffee. “You know, Bash has said a similar thing to that.”
“We’re not going to unpack the implications of him knowing you that well.”
Adonis offered her a small smile. “Thanks for saying all of that, Clarisse. I think it’s a good reminder for me to hear that I can choose to be happy. I don’t think about that enough.”
“No, you don’t.”
“Really, though, I am happy with this situation. And I’m holding it very loosely. If it doesn’t make me happy anymore, then…” He trailed off. What would he do?
Clarisse raised her eyebrows expectantly. “Would you end things with him?”
“I…I guess I would,” Adonis said, though the answer was so weak, he didn’t even convince himself.
Clarisse, however, was gracious enough not to call him out on the weak lie. She took his coffee cup. “I’m gonna get us some refills. Then we should probably actually do some homework. Sound good?”
Adonis nodded, but when Clarisse walked to the barista counter to refill their coffees, and he looked at his textbooks to try and think about studying, all he could think about was the fact that no, no part of him even wanted to consider breaking off this situation with Bash.