Chapter 20 #2
“You wanted to hate it to prove what exactly? That you’re better than us? Better than me? You’ve always been so judgemental about what I do as a profession, worn your disgust as clear as day on your face, but why Thomas? How does my job hurt you? What have I done to hurt you?”
“Not you,” Thomas hissed. “But an escort. A different one.”
“You’ve…you’ve hired an escort?”
“When I was twenty-two…when no one wanted me, and I was all alone with a shit load of money. When all I wanted was one night to feel whatever it is vanilla couples feel. I knew it would be a lie, a performance, but it didn’t matter.
It was one night where I would feel human and experience something everyone else had. ”
“What happened?”
“I…found a guy I liked the look of. He was pretty, far prettier than a man like me had the right to even look at, let alone touch. Clear, smooth skin, big blue eyes, sharp cheekbones, tousled hair, impeccable dress sense –”
“If you’re going to suggest it was me and I’ve forgotten –”
“Of course not. But he was pretty like you. And I booked him, and the more I looked at his picture, the more I wanted him, the more I looked forward to that night, but then he saw me…” Thomas bit his lip.
“His mask slipped. It was only for a few seconds, then it was back again, but it was too late, I’d seen his disappointment, I’d seen his repulsion.
” Thomas shook his head. “I heard that small conversation that went on in his head.”
“What conversation?”
“He’s disgusting, but think of the money.
I’m not stupid, I know that’s why escorts do it, but it hurt.
I didn’t want him to touch me. I didn’t want him to make me orgasm because there was no doubt in my mind that he could – not after I’d seen how he looked at me.
I paid him for his time and left with bitterness and resentment that wasn’t justified.
He was one man, and you’re an entirely different one, and I shouldn’t have treated you like I did last night.
I shouldn’t have paid you for something you were doing out of your own free will. ”
“Do you know why it hurt?” Scott whispered. He didn’t wait for Thomas to answer. “My whole life, every single sexual thing I’ve done, I’ve done for money.” He squeezed his eyes shut. “It’s always been about money.”
“You have a need to please, which is linked to money. The more you please, the more money you’ll get. I don’t even know if it’s ethical, doing the things I’ve been doing with you on camera. It’s so integral to you, that need. It’s shaped your relationship with sex.”
Scott swallowed. “Pleasing you makes me feel good, and yeah, maybe I’m stuck in an unhealthy relationship with sex and money, but in the kitchen, that had nothing to do with money until you made it so. As much as it was something I was doing to you, it was mine too, and you took it away.”
“I…panicked.” Thomas rubbed his temple. “I know that’s such a shit reason, but I did, so I did something I knew would hurt you. I did something to make you feel…”
“Lesser. Like a service, not a person.”
“I guess.”
Scott bit his lip. “Why can’t we be friends, Thomas?”
“What?”
“Whenever you’ve introduced me to someone or I’ve introduced you, you always say we’re not friends, we’re ex-cell mates. Like I’m a person from your past even though I’m standing right in front of you.”
“We were cellmates.”
Scott sighed. “We were friends.”
“Only because we were forced together. We wouldn’t have met any other way.”
“So what?”
Thomas gestured in the direction of the fountain. “It’s a coincidence we even saw each other again. You had no idea this place belongs to me.”
“Some might call it fate.”
“Don’t be ridiculous,” Thomas hissed. “And the only reason you came back here was because you needed somewhere to stay. If your apartment hadn’t flooded with excrement –”
“How many times! That didn’t happen.”
“Then what did?”
Scott curled his toes in the water.
“Why aren’t you escorting anymore?”
“You said –”
“I said I didn’t want anyone brought back, not that you couldn’t escort.”
Scott shrugged. “I wanted a change.”
“Bullshit. You’re keeping secrets from me.”
“Secrets are shared between friends. You can’t condemn me for not telling you mine when I don’t go after yours. I wait for the day you’ll trust me enough to tell me, but I won’t hold it against you if you don’t. Our secrets belong to us.”
Thomas’s nostrils flared.
“It was you who walked away from me,” Scott whispered.
Thomas frowned. “What the hell are you talking about?”
“When we left Brixton.” Scott despised the hurt leaking through into his voice. “You got in that car without a word, didn’t even look back.”
“I did look back.”
“You didn’t stop, though. You left me at Brixton. You left me behind.”
“I had to.”
“Why?”
“Because we never would’ve worked as friends on the outside, you would’ve…you would’ve left eventually.”
“You don’t know that.”
“I do,” Thomas snapped. “We’re too different. Even now, as soon as you’ve earned your money and your apartment is given the all clear, you’ll vanish from my life.”
“I won’t.”
“Scott…”
“I won’t, Thomas.” He gripped Thomas’s knee. “I promise, I won’t.”
Thomas stiffened beneath Scott’s hand, but Scott didn’t remove it; he kept it there until Thomas relaxed.
They sat in silence for a long time, watching the carp in the pond, then Thomas whispered, “So…how about it?"
“How about what?”
Thomas turned to him, his blue eye shimmering. He scrunched his eyelid over his fake eye, so it was only the blue. “Will you be my friend, Scott?”
Scott smiled. “Yes. You need one other than your snakes, and your staff, and you know what…”
“What?”
“I need one too.”