Chapter Fifteen #2
Ignoring Katrina and the rest of the bar patrons, I crossed the room to the hostess stand. My eyes locked with Lila the moment she walked into the place, and our gazes didn’t break as I closed the space between us.
“You look beautiful,” I said when I got close enough for her to hear me. “A vision.”
“Thanks,” she replied.
Before she could say more, I swept her into my arms. And then I kissed her, right in front of the hostess stand, not giving a damn who saw us or what they might think about us. She was mine, and I had to claim her. Publicly. Right. Then. She was mine. She’d always been mine.
And I never wanted to give her up.
Lila
Once again, Adam’s connections and money had secured us the best table in St. Martin’s main dining room, a banquette affair divided from the rest of the room with a curtain, and its own dedicated server. Over champagne and brie, we made small talk about nothing.
It was nice. More than that. And for a little bit, I once again was able to put the unpleasant reality of my life aside.
Being with Adam made it all seem okay, as if everything was going to work out, and I’d find a solution to all that had gone so wrong.
After we ordered steaks, he raised his half empty champagne flute.
“To us.”
“To us.” I followed his lead. Thankfully, this second toast of the day was far less unpleasant than the one that had occurred in Alexi Chekov’s sad excuse for a lair. I drank some champagne. “I really am sorry I had to leave so abruptly this morning.”
“That’s okay, Lila. I get it.”
No, no, you never can.
I gulped back the growing lump in my throat. How could I explain to him without telling him the truth? How could I let him know I needed help without divulging a whole mountain of things I didn’t really want to talk about?
“The people my father did business with at the end of his life are ruthless,” I tried. “They don’t make deals they can’t win.”
“You mentioned that earlier.” Adam took a bite of brie crostini. “And as I said, I am willing to take care of whatever debt you have. Say the word, and I can write you a check. You’ll have the money in a day.”
“I don’t deserve a gift like that from you.”
“Why not? I have millions at my disposal. If I can’t use the money the way I want, then what is it good for?”
“I know, but—”
“Stop trying to talk me down from this offer or walk me away from it. Let me help you. You shouldn’t have to pay for your father’s mistakes.”
I winced. “He wasn’t even close to what I thought.
He was a shadow of all the things he pretended to be.
” I gestured to the well-heeled restaurant patrons beyond the curtain.
“They all thought he was something he wasn’t, and it kills me to think how long he pulled the wool over their eyes, how long he fooled them.
” The years and years of snide messages about propriety, school marks, who was acceptable and who was not—resulting in lost sleep and tears—only to find out my dad had been a fraud.
I shook my head. “And he really did fool everyone .”
“Nothing that can’t be fixed. All debts can be paid, Lila.”
I thought of Alexi and his disgusting offer, along with all the other things I’d do as part of it. Complicated was an understatement. “It’s not that simple, believe me.”
Adam reached across the table for my hand, and as he took it, a shiver ran up my spine.
I loved the familiarity of him, and the way his presence reminded me of an easier, simpler era, when I didn’t have to worry about all burdens of daily life.
But if I took Alexi up on his suggestion and did what he wanted, I probably wouldn’t have a chance with Adam again.
I’d be a hooker, a woman who’d sold her virginity for a few million dollars to someone who wouldn’t care about it the next day.
“I liked it just now,” I said, still staring at the way his fingers grasped mine. “When you kissed me. The way your lips felt on mine and—”
“There’s more to come tonight.” His words made me lift my head, and I caught him staring across the table with an intensity I hadn’t seen from him before. “If you want it, Lila. Only if you want it.”
I did. I really did. I wanted it in a way I had never wanted anything.
Why couldn’t Adam be the one I lost my virginity to?
Why couldn’t he be the one who got that moment with me, who shared something I’d possessed so long that it was deemed precious, and apparently, worth at least a few million dollars? Why didn’t it get to be him?
Because that was how my life worked, that’s why. Fate wasn’t on my side. It wasn’t on our side. And it never would be.
“I’m sorry.” I pulled my hand away, snapping myself out of my reverie, reminding myself once again that things didn’t get to pan out the way I wanted because I had lost control of myself a long time before that moment. “I can’t. We can’t.”
My voice trembled, and I knew he heard it. That afternoon with Alexi Chekov had sealed my fate about so many things and I knew it. He might have given me time to think, but I already knew what my decision had to be.
I couldn’t live this fantasy with Adam. I had to live in my reality, no matter how grim and sad.
“We can’t see each other again,” I said as I stood from the table.
“Whatever you want to do, whatever future you want with me, it can’t happen.
I’m sorry. I thought we might be able to find our way to each other again.
I see the way you look at me and I know you think I’m the person you used to know, but I’m not.
I’m nowhere near that. I’m not what you believe.
” I stepped away from the table. “So, no matter how much this hurts, we have to do this. We have to end it here.”
“Lila, come on. You’re being irrational.” His brow furrowed; his eyes became stricken. “Do you hear what you are saying right now?”
“I do.”
I willed my voice to keep from breaking again.
Adam couldn’t see me sweat like this, couldn’t see how much this hurt me, even though all I wanted was to have more moments with him, more memories like the half hour before, when he’d kissed me with such hunger, not caring what anyone in the restaurant thought.
“I know exactly what I’m saying, and I am serious here. We can never be, Adam, not the way you want, and it’s not just because of the money my father owes. You’ll only get hurt if you try to force something with me. I’ll get hurt too.”
“But—”
“No.” I squared my shoulders, pushing the pain of the moment deep into the pit of my stomach. “I have to go. Goodbye, Adam.”
Then I turned on my heel and strode out of the restaurant. By the time I reached the doorway, tears stung my eyes, and I wondered if I might vomit in the boxwood topiaries that decorated the entrance. But I held it together all the way to my car.
Adam didn’t come after me. He didn’t follow me out of the restaurant. That hurt almost as much as rejecting him did. But what could I expect? I’d sold my soul to the devil, and this was the result.