Chapter 24
Chapter Twenty-Four
Hallie
A nd that’s the way it goes all day. We do all the things that we always do on our first day at the lake. We lay by the pool with books and music, jump in the lake, float around on the swim dock, and go into town to our favorite diner for lunch. We make pizza for dinner, play a big game of trivial pursuit, and stay outside until the first fireflies start to blink.
And all day, Ben is just…there. He puts his hand on my back when he passes me and brushes back my hair when we’re in the lake. He sits just a little closer on the picnic bench at lunch than is strictly friendly and plops himself down to share my lounge chair by the pool. I have never been aware of another person’s presence the way I am of his. By the time we all go up to change for the bonfire, I’m a bundle of nerves and need.
It's fully dark and the guys are just lighting the fire when Molly, Emma, Julie, Allie, and I walk down the path to the lake. We lay out blankets and throw down pillows on the small stretch of sand and gather around the bonfire with bottles of wine, plastic wine glasses, and s’mores supplies. Jordan takes out a guitar because when we are at the lake, we go full-blown summer camp. He absently strums while the rest of us get comfortable. I shiver, silently cursing myself for forgetting to grab a sweatshirt from my room. Before I can get up from my cozy nest and trudge back to the house, a hoodie is dropped over my head. I glance down and see it’s one of Ben’s University of Pittsburgh sweatshirts. Tugging it down, I look up, and Ben is standing over me.
“You looked cold,” is all he says before taking the spot next to me and throwing an arm around my shoulder all friendly-like. His body is so big and cuddly, and the crackling of the fire and the lapping of the water are so soothing. For the first time since Ben and I danced together at the gala, I take a full, easy breath. I settle into Ben’s warmth and the heaviness of his arm and I let the lake night wrap itself around me.
Four bottles of wine, two bags of chips, countless s’mores, one game of never-have-I-ever, and at least half of Taylor Swift’s discography played on Jordan’s guitar later, everyone slowly starts to call it a night.
“I’m going to head up and go over some work stuff before bed,” says Julie, standing up and brushing graham cracker crumbs off her leggings.
Molly is next. “I can’t believe you lasted all day without doing any work. I’m so proud of you that I’ll even go over work stuff with you for an hour or so. I have to finalize the art order for the waiting room anyway.”
“Are they ice skating in hell?” asks Jordan. “I don’t know the last time I saw the two of you agree on anything.”
Molly sticks out her tongue at him.
“We love each other.” Then she slides her gaze to Julie with a sly smile. “Most of the time.”
Giggling, they head up to the house.
“I’m going up to bed too,” says Emma, standing up and grabbing the empty wine bottles.
Jeremy jumps up from his spot on my other side.
“I’ll walk with you.” He takes the rest of the empty bottles and the garbage bag we brought down for our trash, and they set off.
Jordan packs away his guitar and pulls Allie up. “Come on, my princess; I’m taking you to bed.”
“What did I tell you about calling me princess?”
“Um, I don’t remember. Maybe you should remind me. In our bedroom.” She snickers as he grabs his guitar with one hand and her with the other hand and pulls her up the path.
Then it’s just Ben and me. I wait for the tension that has been between us all day to come back, but it doesn’t. It’s just us and the lake and the fire and the crickets making up the familiar symphony of night at the lake. I take a deep breath and let it out, curling my hands up in Ben’s hoodie and wrapping my arms around my legs as I stare into the flames.
Neither of us talk, but it’s a comfortable sort of quiet. The kind of quiet that I only really have at the lake. The kind that’s filled with magic and possibility and makes me want to give him all my truths. I lean my cheek on my knee with my head facing towards Ben and see that his quiet gaze is already on me.
“I think I’m ready to talk about it now.”
“Talk about what?”
“The firm. I mentioned a few weeks ago that I was wondering if maybe it was the wrong choice. I wasn’t ready to talk about it then, but I am now.”
“Then I’m ready to listen.” He swings around and I do the same so we’re facing each other, cross-legged, our knees touching. He reaches out and gently pulls my hands from the wrist holes of my sweatshirt, lacing our fingers together but saying nothing. He is giving me the space to say what I need, and I love him for it.
“It started a year ago when we began getting serious with our planning. The girls were all so excited about it and I just…wasn’t. Not the way I had been whenever we talked about it before. It was a busy time at work, so I thought maybe that was it, but even when things calmed down, the excitement just never came.” I suck in a breath. This is more than I have ever said about the way I’ve been feeling, and I need a minute.
Ben keeps his steady gaze on mine, and it gives me the courage to keep going. I straighten my shoulders and take a deep breath, steeling my nerves to tell him all of it.
“Julie, Molly, and Emma were forging on ahead, making plans, and slowly starting to put out feelers to their clients to see which ones would follow them, so I did the same. We all kept meeting and planning, and looking for office space. And don’t get me wrong, I love being with them and doing something together. I like building something with them, but I could never quite recapture that happiness and excitement I had when we talked about it before.”
“Before you started planning?”
“Exactly. It was like every step we took that got us closer to the end, the more anxious I got. But the hell of it was, I could never figure out the why of it all, you know? It was like my instincts were screaming at me that this wasn’t the right thing, but I didn’t know what the right thing was. I couldn’t figure out what was making me so anxious.”
“Which made you more anxious.”
I smile at him, relieved he gets it. “Yeah. It was an anxiety spiral I couldn’t get myself out of, and couldn’t figure it out. Part of me thought that maybe it was the change of leaving my firm and striking out on my own because I hate change and it’s hard for me. But that wasn’t it.”
“You keep saying you didn’t know what was keeping you from going all in. Does that mean you know now?”
“Jesus, you’re good.”
“I’m not, really. I just listen when you talk.”
I squeeze his hand in gratitude for that and keep going because now that I’m talking, it’s like I need to purge it all from my system. “I figured it out the day of Maya’s adoption hearing. I was sitting in the courtroom, watching Eric, Jen, and Maya together, seeing their faces when the judge declared them officially a family, and it hit me. I’ve been practicing trusts & estates law for five years and doing adoption work with Callahan on the side. I guess I went with the flow, assuming that I would continue on that path forever. And that was fine until it wasn’t. It’s not fine anymore.
“Working on Maya’s case made me realize it. I don’t want to be an estate planning attorney anymore, Ben. I want to practice family law. And not just a couple hours a month when Callahan has some overflow they don’t have time for. I want to do it all the time. Every day. I loved working with the Caseys, and I have loved every single case I’ve ever worked on with Callahan. Even the hard ones. I want to make families. I want to make sure that kids who wind up in the system are safe and cared for. I want to help parents find the children they are meant to have. There aren’t enough lawyers doing this kind of work, and I feel called to do it in a way that I have never felt called to anything. It's what I was meant to do, Benji. I know it for sure.”
He looks at me, eyes blazing. “Then you should do it, Hal. You need to do it.”
“You know it’s not that easy. I’m in the final stages of opening a law firm with my three best friends where we are practicing private client law. I have clients following me to my new firm who are expecting me to be doing the work they have been paying me to do for years. How am I supposed to tell the girls that I’m backing out? Especially Julie. This means so much to her. She’ll never forgive me, Ben. But if I don’t explore this, I might never forgive myself.”
My voice cracks on the last word, and tears spill down my cheeks. All the bravery that pushed my truth out disappears at the thought of either disappointing the three women who mean the most to me or letting go of the dream I didn’t even know I had.
Ben drags me between his legs and gathers me up, wrapping me in his warm arms. I cry it out against his chest as he strokes my hair and kisses the top of my head.
He whispers things like, “I’m here,” and “I’ve got you,” and “You’re safe,” and “Let it go, Hallie.” The relief of someone else knowing my deepest secret—and that someone else being him—is both heady and draining. When my tears finally dry up, I sit up and face Ben again.
“So that’s it. That’s all of it. I want to do something else, but I went ahead with plans for the firm and never said anything to any of them. My friends mean everything to me, and I would never want to hurt them, make them angry, or get in the way of our friendship.”
Ben takes my hands in his again.
“Hallie, one of the best things about you is that you are so damn loyal. You are such a good friend, and you take care of everyone, all the time. You remember everyone’s birthdays, and doctor’s appointments, and work milestones. You take people dinner when they’re sick and buy their favorite candy when they’ve had a bad day and check-in when they have a doctor’s appointment. And you never ask for anything in return. Most people around you, my sister included, think you don't need or want help or support. But that’s not true, is it?”
I shake my head slowly.
“I know it isn’t. You have spent so much time worrying about everyone else and holding in all of your thoughts and your truths. You bend over backwards to make sure no one ever worries about you because it’s hard for you to open yourself up to other people. And anger isn’t an emotion that you are particularly comfortable with, so you would rather go with the flow than change direction if that is what makes the people in your life happy.”
I just stare at him, strangely stunned and entirely unsurprised he has me pegged so well.
“But, Hallie, I’m going to say some things now, and I need you to really hear me, okay?”
I nod.
He looks at me with an intensity that turns his clear blue eyes practically navy. “It’s okay to lean on the people who love you. You can ask for their support or their help or for whatever damn thing you need. They’ll give it to you because they love you and because that’s what family does. You can want things and plan for your own future, even if that future looks different than you thought it might. And it’s okay to change your mind and take a new path—even if it disappoints the people in your life. Even if one of those people is my sister who you and I both love. Hallie, you are the least selfish person I know, and wanting a new direction for your career isn’t wrong. It’s life. And yeah, Jules might get mad because it upsets her grand plan. But that’s not on you. That’s on her, and she’ll get over it.”
“I know you’re right,” I whisper. “But this is hard for me.”
“I know it is, Hal, but that doesn’t mean it’s not the right choice.”
“So what do I do now?” I ask, like Ben has all the answers. Because honestly, sitting here late at night next to the lake and the dying fire, it feels like he just might.
“I have an idea if you’re open to it.”
“At this point, I’ll take whatever you’ve got.”
“I think you might feel better talking to Julie and the girls if you have a plan. Jules doesn’t do well with abstractions, so if you go to her with all your feelings, we both know it won’t go well. More likely than not, she’ll just bully you into thinking her way.”
I snort out a laugh because doesn’t Ben just have everyone figured out tonight.
“So, I think in the morning, you should email Charlie Callahan and set up a meeting as soon as you’re back in Pittsburgh. He has been practicing family law for his entire career, so he’ll have a good perspective on this. Maybe he finally needs another lawyer at his firm, or he knows of another firm looking to hire. Or maybe he has some ideas on how to establish a family law practice under the umbrella of the firm you are already setting up. Whatever it is, he’ll be able to give you advice that I can’t. Once you schedule the meeting, set it aside for the rest of the time we’re here. Take the vacation, read all the books, sit in the sun, let our moms take care of you a little bit. And when we’re back in town, you’ll have the meeting, and we’ll do whatever comes next. But for what it’s worth, I think you already do incredible family law work, and if this is the direction you want to take your career, you should do it. I’ll be here to support you all the way.”
We’ll do whatever comes next . I’ll be here to support you . My relief at Ben’s words, at not being alone in this anymore, at having a plan and someone to shoulder some of my burden after all these months of floundering, is enormous. I wrap myself around Ben, squeezing him tight.
“Thank you,” I whisper.
“I’ve got you, Hal. I’ll always be here for you. You don’t ever have to go it alone.”