Chapter 46
Chapter Forty-Six
Hallie
W hen I wake up, Ben is wrapped around me, his warm body pressed tightly against my back. My bedroom is dark—it’s just after five—but I am wide awake, my brain already cycling through the events of yesterday. My fight with Julie. The horrible things she said. Ben showing up at my house and taking care of me. Even thinking now about how gently he carried me upstairs, washed my hair, and bundled me into bed has tears pricking my eyes. I thought I was all cried out after yesterday. Damn Ben for making me drink all that water. All it did was replenish my tear supply.
Ben is fast asleep, but my body and brain are awash in anxiety, forcing me out of bed. Knowing that Ben has a weird sixth sense for when I’m awake, I untangle myself from him as gently as possible and slide out of bed. Moving as quietly as possible, I sneak to the hall bathroom then to the kitchen. My stomach is still rebelling at the idea of food. Anxiety has a way of killing my appetite, so breakfast is a hard pass, but there’s always room for coffee. As if on autopilot, I pour milk into my mug and pop it into the microwave to heat a little. When you’re feeling your worst, there is nothing worse than pouring hot coffee over cold milk and instantly ending up with a lukewarm drink. The scent of freshly brewed coffee fills my nose, my brain coming online from the smell alone.
After fishing my phone out of my bag where it has been since I got home from work yesterday morning, I settle onto the couch with my coffee. Unlocking the screen, I wince when I see the missed calls and texts from Ben. He was obviously worried about me, and I feel terrible for not letting him know what happened before I collapsed onto the couch in a ball of misery.
Molly and Emma both sent a bunch of texts too, and I’ll have to get back to them at some point today. I love them for sticking up for me, but it makes me feel even worse. This affects their careers too, and I don’t want to put them in the middle. I scroll through the rest of my messages before I realize I’m looking for one from Julie that obviously never came. I send her one, hoping she’ll answer. I wish I could be mad right now, but I’m too worried I lost my best friend to be angry about what a shit she was.
Me
I’m sorry about yesterday. Can we talk?
I sit, staring at my phone and see the second she reads the message. I watch for the dots to start bouncing, but there’s nothing. After five minutes, I give up. She’s leaving me on read. Anxiety making me vaguely nauseous, I set my coffee on the table. Then I lean back against the couch cushions and close my eyes, wondering what the fuck I do now.
“You’re up early, Hal.” My eyes fly open, and Ben is there, leaning against the doorway into the living room. I think morning Ben is my favorite Ben. All sleepy eyes and stubble and disheveled blond hair. Morning Ben just does something to me. Seeing his face cuts right through my anxiety, settling down my tangle of emotions.
“Jesus, Ben. You scared the shit out of me. Why are you up so early? I wanted to let you sleep.”
“You weren’t there,” he says simply. He comes over and lays his lips on mine. It’s short and sweet, a good morning kiss between two people who know there is time for deeper, hotter kisses later. It’s a kiss that feels like comfort and ease and home.
Ben feels like home .
What a thought to have on the morning after such a fucked-up day. Pulling away, he goes to the kitchen and comes back a couple minutes later with his own mug of coffee. He settles down next to me and takes one of my hands.
“How do you feel this morning, Hallie girl?” His ocean blue eyes are calm, still a little heavy with sleep. I want to burrow into his warm, comforting gaze and stay there forever.
“Honestly, I’ve been better. Yesterday was so fucked, Ben. I have no clue what to do next.”
He squeezes my hand. “I’d like to help you with it, if you want.”
“I do want. I’d like to tell you about it.”
“I wish you would.”
I grab my coffee and take a sip before I dive in. “I was happy yesterday morning. After our date, waking up with you. I was just… happy.” He smiles at me and starts stroking his thumb along the sensitive skin on the inside of my wrist. “I felt good going into work. Molly brought donuts, and I was going to give them a sexy breakfast story.”
“Sexy breakfast story, huh?” Ben grins at me.
“It’s a girl thing. Deal with it, Benji. Anyway, then Julie came down, and I decided to just tell them all before we did anything else.” I skip over the part where Julie came down because Molly dragged her down to talk about how in love with Ben I am. “I told them about Charlie retiring and making me the offer to take over his adoption practice. The first thing Julie said was no. Just, no, this isn’t happening. She called it my little adoption law hobby.”
“Fucking hell, Jules,” Ben mutters.
“Every part of me wanted to shut down. I hate confrontation, and I hate disappointing my friends. But this is so important to me, Ben. I want this, so I made myself tell her that. I mentioned I had been unhappy with estate planning for a while. That I would regret it if I didn’t do it. I told her I wanted to see it through, and that I would do whatever I could to make it work. And she said…” I stop, trying to get my shit together. “She said…” I try again and fail, tears burning my eyes again.
Ben puts his coffee on the table and takes my other hand in his, swinging both legs up onto the couch so he is fully facing me.
“It’s ok, Hal. You can tell me anything. Whatever it is, it’ll be fine. I swear it will.”
I take a deep breath and try again. “She called me selfish for asking. She said that it’s enough that I’m leaving her to be with you. I can’t leave her at work too. She said if I do this, then she and I are done. And then she stormed out.” My voice breaks on the last word. My stomach roils, and my hands are cold and clammy, shaking at the thought of losing Julie forever.
Ben grips my hands so tightly that my knuckles are turning white. His jaw is clenched, his eyes stormy with anger. He closes them for a few seconds and takes a couple of deep breaths, like he’s trying to get himself under control. When he opens his eyes, he’s a little calmer, his grip on my hands looser.
“Hallie, I’m sorry that she said all of that. You are the very best friend Julie could ever ask for. You are so good to her. More than she deserves sometimes. Definitely more than she deserves after her little performance yesterday. I love my sister, but I want to throttle her right now. You don’t have a selfish bone in your body. You give and give and give. You do everything for everyone. You aren’t wrong to want this. You have to know that.”
“I do know that. But is it even worth it? If it’s going to cause all this tension and make everyone so angry, maybe it’s better to just stay the course.”
“I think you may have skipped a part of the story, so let me ask you something. How did Emma and Molly react?”
I shrug. “They were good, actually. They said they thought I should do it. That we would make it work. I had a bunch of messages from them after I left yesterday, but I didn’t get them until this morning.”
“Hallie, Julie doesn’t own you, and she doesn’t own your firm. The four of you went into this as equal partners. You went into it to have control over your lives and your careers that you didn’t have when you were working at a firm for someone else. Is switching your practice a big change? Sure. But it seems like following your passion is exactly the point of what you’re all trying to do.”
“It is. But still.” I sigh and burrow deeper into the couch. “I tried texting Julie this morning and she left me on read. What if she never talks to me again? I get to have the career I want, but I lose my best friend in the process?”
I huff out a breath and drop my head back.“This is so fucked up.”
“It really is, but you don’t need to make any decisions right now. I know Charlie doesn’t expect that. Take a couple of days. Get a little farther away from the fight. Julie will come around. I promise.”
I lean into Ben then. I thought I was done crying, but when he wraps his arm around me and tugs me closer, tears fall all over again. He just holds me, wiping them away, whispering how it’s all going to be okay, and how he’s not going anywhere. And my chest aches because I love him so damn much, and I just hate this for him.
“I’m sorry that all I’m doing is crying all over you. I’m sure you’re regretting all the life choices that led you to this place, where your girlfriend is crying because your sister is a shithead. I hate that you’re stuck between us now. That really sucks, and I never wanted to put you in that position. You have given me so much over these past few weeks, and I haven’t given you nearly enough. Bet you didn’t realize what a chaos agent you were getting yourself involved with.”
He sits up then, spinning around to face me.
“Hallie, listen to me. There is nowhere I would rather be than here. I’ve told you a million times, I see you, Hallie girl, and I know you. I know every damn thing about you, and it all only makes me want you more. There is nothing you could say or do to make me stop wanting you. You’re sad right now because you have a soft heart and Julie dented it. It’s hard for you to let it out when you’re feeling sad. You don’t like showing anyone that side of you. But Hallie, I am the luckiest guy on earth because you show it to me. I am so lucky to just be sitting here next to you, holding you when you’re sad.
“And Hallie, you have given me plenty. Being with you makes me feel fucking invincible. Because of you, I feel like it’s okay to just be me – the Pittsburgh boy who owns a Pittsburgh bar. Who doesn’t want to be famous or well known or own bars all around the country or travel the world. Who wants a quiet life in the city he loves with the people he loves.”
He pauses then and seems to consider his next words.
“Maybe this isn’t the right time, and maybe it’s too soon, but fuck it. This is happening. I love you Hallie. I’m in love with you. I want to go to sleep with you every night and wake up every morning with you in my arms. I want to make your coffee just how you like it every day and make sure you eat breakfast so you don’t get hangry and yell at everyone at work. I want to stock the kitchen with Diet Pepsi and Cheez-Its for your Couch Time and fill up your ridiculously huge cups with ice water every night. I want to kiss you and fight with you and fuck you and wipe your tears and be your soft place to land. I want to lean on you and let you lean on me, and I want to hear every single thought you have because your mind is brilliant and fascinating and so damn beautiful. I want to build a whole life with you and make a family with you one day because my love for you is so enormous that it needs more places to go. I have been in love with you since we were eighteen. I was born to love you, and you were made for me to love. I swear that I will love you for the rest of this lifetime and on into whatever comes next. You are mine, Hallie girl, and I have never been, will never be, anything but yours.”
I stare at him, trying to suck in a breath, but his words make my lungs shut right down. Those fucking tears fill my eyes again.
“I love you too,” I whisper, the tears spilling over.
Has emotional whiplash ever killed anyone? Because I am so sad, but his words filled me with more happiness than I have ever felt in my whole damn life.
“God, Ben, I love you so much. I don’t care if it’s fast. I’m a mess today, but I want it too. All of it. Everything. I want everything with you.”
His breath comes out in a whoosh before his whole face transforms into a grin. He pulls me onto his lap, wrapping his arms around me.
“Eighteen-year-old Ben is fist pumping right now. He finally got his girl,” he says into my ear.
I laugh and hold onto him tighter because my personal and professional life are currently a disaster, and I have no clue what to do next, but I have Ben. My soft place to land. My safe place when everything feels like too much.
“Say it again,” he whispers into my ear.
“I love you, Benji. So much.”
He pulls back, eyes blazing with emotion, and wraps his hand around the back of my head, bringing my mouth to his. He drops his other hand to my waist, gripping tight. His tongue slips against mine in a kiss that is full of passion and fire and all the promises we are making to each other. None of them need words.
Ben tips my head back to take the kiss even deeper, and I feel it all the way to my toes. When we break apart, Ben’s mouth hovers over mine.
“You are mine, Hallie girl. Always. Forever.”
“And you are mine right back, Benji.”
He smiles again and pulls back, tucking my head under his chin. I rest my head on his heart, letting the steady rhythm calm me. I might not know what’s going to happen at work, and my best friend might not ever speak to me again. But in this moment, I hold tight to the happiness that is Ben and me and the future we can build together.
It’s enough for now.