Chapter 10
TEN
ANDY
For as long as I can remember, I’ve been insecure about my body.
I’ve always been the biggest one in the room.
Taller than my teachers, even in elementary school.
My body frame is usually the largest, too.
I was in third grade the first time my grandma put me on a diet to help me lose weight, which was the beginning of my downward spiral. Diet culture is extremely fucking toxic, and no child should ever worry about their weight or be forced to drink meal replacement shakes.
Every time she’d serve me the chalky, purple meal replacement shake, I’d have to plug my nose to choke it down. The package the powder came in claimed it was berry flavored, but it tasted like grass.
All these years later, and I still remember the taste.
Portion control, weight loss programs, diet bars and drinks—I’ve tried it all. Yet, week after week, the scale never changed. No matter what I did.
After my grandparents were gone, I’d been alone and desperate for attention. Desperate for someone to notice me.
So I turned to meeting grown men from Vegas online when I was only fifteen years old. I gave them my address, and let them pick me up and take me away to fuck in the desert. They would drive over an hour from Vegas to see me, and I felt special. All I wanted was to feel wanted, even if only for a night. I was young and naive, with no parental guidance, and confused lust with love.
My body image issues were tearing me apart, and the only time I felt attractive was when those grown men had their hands on me, telling me how much they wanted me.
I was fourteen when I lost my virginity to my former best friend's boyfriend. She encouraged it, telling me I needed to get laid. She waited outside my bedroom door while we did it. Afterward, she gave me a high five and left with him, promising to text me later to compare sex notes.
Three months later, she was dating someone new and forgot all about me.
At the time, I couldn’t blame her. I’m easy to forget. I’m no one special.
Even the men I stupidly allowed bareback inside of my body at such a young age, didn’t want me for more than a night. I was foolish enough to not give them pushback when it came to the discussion of a condom, and it’s amazing that I’ve never had an STD.
I should regret my decisions, but I can’t because one of those men blessed me with Max. And I’ll never regret her.
Having her was the best decision I’ve ever made in my life.
I’ve been trying to love myself. I really have. Everyday Max and I have been going on walks, and I always run around with her at the park. It’s too expensive to eat as healthy as I wish, but I no longer binge eat. It is a massive step in the right direction for me, considering I’ve been binge eating since childhood.
Shoveling food in my mouth until my stomach was so full it ached was something I did often. It became worse after Grandma died. After her death, I never knew where my next meal would come from, so I’d eat enough in one sitting for four days.
My lovely mother was unreliable when it came to keeping groceries in the house. Food didn’t matter when you were high.
Point is, I was doing better, until Declan looked at me.
His dark eyes looking over my body had made me uncomfortable, to the point where I convinced myself he was judging me for my size.
I’m not stupid. I know the obvious difference between us. Yeah, he’s taller than me, but he’s pure muscle. He’s someone who takes pride in what goes into his body. Well, apart from the drugs he does, of course.
I’ve seen photos of him with women online, and I’ve seen his ex-wife. She’s a fucking dark-haired bombshell. Easily the most gorgeous woman I have ever laid eyes on.
Declan has a type, and there’s nothing wrong with that. His type isn’t me, which I already knew, but having him point it out really dug the knife in deep.
He told me he would know if he had ever fucked me.
Of course, he’d remember something like that.
Not like it would ever be possible. He’s so far out of my league, it’s hilarious.
Though knowing that didn’t stop me from being embarrassed. My cheeks burned with embarrassment, my eyes stung, and my heart raced. I couldn’t get away from him quick enough.
Though it’s been hours since our interaction, I’m still unable to get his words out of the back of my mind.
I’m sitting at the desk in the back office with Max, where I’ve been hiding all day in hopes of not having to see Declan again, when Jane walks back with a smile on her face.
The girl radiates sunshine, which sometimes makes me want to tell her I killed a puppy so she’d do something other than smile and be happy.
Horrible, I know, but misery loves company and all that shit.
“Hi, Max.” She waves, taking a seat in front of the desk I’m sitting at. My daughter waves her hand in response, too focused on her coloring book to give my coworker much attention.
Jane has worked here for two years. She was the first person I hired to help me with the front desk once I received the promotion of general manager. At the time, I’d been thrilled, since I’ve been working the front desk here at this hotel since I was sixteen. Don’t get me wrong, I am grateful to have this job. I only wish it paid more.
The owners live in Dubai and have several hotels all over America, and they’re rarely here, leaving me in charge of all daily operations. The only time we speak is when they email or call me whenever they need something. Which is rare.
They have so much money it’s hard to comprehend, yet they don’t pay well. The times they have visited the hotel, which they do at least twice a year, when they come here as a family on their way to Las Vegas for vacation, they’re always dripping in designer brands.
Literally.
Sara, the owner’s wife, has a purse worth more than a brand new car. Yet, when I asked for a raise so I wouldn’t have to choose between paying my electric bill or putting gas in my car, they told me they couldn’t afford it.
Meanwhile Sara unboxed a new pair of shoes feet away from me, while her husband, Amir, wore a watch equivalent to what I earn per year.
I know I shouldn’t be ungrateful, and I’m not, because this is the highest paying job in this small ass town, but I’m tired of living paycheck to paycheck. Many people who live here travel to Vegas every day for work, but that isn’t realistic for me when I have a child, an unreliable car, and no gas money.
One day, I hope to save enough money to move into the city.
So far, I have forty dollars.
Oh yeah, Andy, you’ll get to Vegas in no time.
Shaking myself away from my inner pity party, I return my attention to Jane, noticing her lips moving but not hearing a thing she’s been saying.
“Sorry, Jane, what did you say?”
She pauses, takes a breath, then speaks, “I asked you if everything was okay with that guest this morning. The one with the complaint. What happened?” She’d asked me earlier what happened, but I’d brushed her off, telling her I had to finish the night audit and get it emailed to Amir.
Since then, she’s been working in front behind the desk, while I’ve been hidden away in the back office.
Deciding to play it off, I shrug. “Yeah, everything is fine. Simple misunderstanding.”
Her blue eyes stare at me, her teeth biting into her bottom lip as she contemplates if she wants to say what’s on her mind. The thing about Jane is that she always questions herself, instead of coming out and saying exactly what she wants to.
She’s the complete opposite of me. I don’t have a filter and am blunt.
Finishing the audit report and quickly sending it to Amir, I give her my full attention, “Say whatever it is that you’re thinking.”
A slow grin creeps across her face. “That guy is Declan Valentine. The Declan Valentine!” she gushes. The mention of his name sends chills down my spine and has Max perking up, clearly finding the conversation interesting enough to deserve her time.
“It is Declan!” Max confirms, shoving her coloring book aside and standing, walking toward us to stand beside where I sit. “I bought him a candy bar last night.”
My eyes roll remembering the Snickers bar I gave him, because I’d been too embarrassed when he was eyeing me up and down, and the candy bar in Max’s hand, which she happily pointed out, was for me.
“That was sweet of you, Max. Did you have him sign anything for you? ”
My daughter scrunches her dark eyebrows, looking at Jane as if she were crazy, “He’s a singer, not a signer, silly.” She giggles, nudging my legs apart to stand between them. Her small arms wrap around my thighs as she leans against me.
A faint smile tugs at my lips at the position. When she was a baby and learning to walk, she’d always stand between my legs, trying to balance herself and get used to pulling herself up. Now she does it without realizing, because she loves touching me.
Max’s love language is physical touch. She is a touchy child and shows her affection by touching. Whether it is by holding your hand, rubbing your arm, or playing with your hair, she has to have physical contact with the ones she loves.
The list of people she loves is small. I hate that I don’t have a family to give her.
A father to give her.
Having a fatherless child was never something I wanted. I know first-hand what it’s like to have your first broken heart be because of an absent father.
History wasn’t supposed to repeat itself.
I was never supposed to walk in my mother’s footsteps and make her mistakes.
At least I’m sober and have never done drugs.
Something small I remind myself of daily.
“Right, Mommy?” Max tilts her head back, giggling as she looks at me upside down.
I don’t admit I allowed myself to get lost inside my head, instead, I nod. Leaning forward, I press a kiss to her forehead, “Sure, baby, whatever you say.”
Jane laughs, standing from where she was sitting, “You’ve had a long shift, I bet you can’t wait to go home and sleep.” The mention of sleep causes a yawn to slip past my lips. It’s nearly three p.m., which is when I’ll finally be off after working a sixteen-hour shift.
“Actually, we haven’t moved into our new apartment, so mommy doesn’t have anywhere to sleep.” Max simply states, putting my business out on display and throwing me under the bus.
Fuck. For a moment, I’d forgotten about our living situation. Not sure how that happened, considering I never forget things I need to do. The stress of moving and needing a place to stay for a few days has kept me up at night.
Another thing I need to figure out.
I’d love nothing more than to crawl into bed and sleep, but considering we’re now homeless, I can’t do that.
Sure, I could swallow my pride and return to my mother’s, but that isn’t my first option. I’d asked her yesterday because she was the last resort, but today is a new day. I’ll figure something out, like I always do.
Figuring shit out is what I’m good at.
“Max, I’m almost off, so get your stuff packed up so we can go as soon as Lila gets here.” She nods, stepping away from me to pack her coloring books, pencils, and toys into her backpack.
Jane stares at me with worried eyes from where she stands by the door, “If your apartment isn’t ready yet, where are you staying?” I’m sure if she had the space, she’d offer us to stay with her over the weekend. That’s the type of person she is, but she lives in a studio apartment.
Avoiding eye contact, I stand and begin cleaning up the desk. Then I fold the blankets I brought for Max to sleep with and gather our belongings, shoving them into my tote bag. “We move in on Sunday and will stay with a friend until then.”
Setting my neatly packed tote on the chair, I look over at her just in time to see the sympathetic look she gives me, “Are you sure, Andy?” No. I’m not fucking sure. But what can I say?
Today is Friday, which means I’ll need a place for my daughter to sleep for the next two nights. Having to suck up and go to my mom's seems like the only option. At least I’ll be there with Max, so she won't be alone.
“Of course. We’ll probably even spend a night with my mom so she can see Max.” I give her the best forced smile I can muster up so she doesn’t worry. Luckily for me, no one knows about the strained relationship I have with my mother. I never talk about myself at work, so apart from my employees knowing my work ethic, they don’t know much about me. It’s what I prefer, considering I’ve been too trusting of people in the past and have always been hurt.
Everyone leaves me in the end.
“Good! I’m glad you’ll have a place.” Jane’s positive energy radiates from her blonde head. She reminds me of a sunflower—bright and beautiful.
Unlike me, she’s new to town. She moved here a few months before she began working here, which at the time I remember thinking was strange because no one moves to Loganville.
This town has three types of people…
The ones that graduate, marry their high school sweetheart, and start a family.
The ones who leave for college and return home right after.
Or the rare, lucky ones that move away after high school and never return, wanting more out of life than this small town.
Well, I guess there’s a fourth type, which would be me. The one who didn’t finish high school, got knocked up at sixteen, and has never left this town.
Point is, no one moves here unless you’re from here. Which Jane isn’t.
Two years later, and I’m still curious why she moved here of all places. But her secrets are her own, just like mine.
By the time Lila clocks in promptly at 3pm for her swing shift, Jane clocks out and leaves while I stay behind for a few minutes to finish up a couple emails to vendors. Since I’m off the next two days, I like to make sure everything in my work basket is completed .
Fridays are always the busiest days for me, and today was no exception.
I’m sending my final email at thirty minutes after three when Max drops my phone on the desk with a loud thud, followed by the most dramatic sigh she can possibly come up with.
“I want to leave already,” she whines, her small hand rubbing her stomach. “Mommy, I’m hungry and tired. So, so starving.”
Laughing at her dramatics, I log out of the computer and lock the screen, grabbing the backpack and tote bag when I stand.
“Alright, little drama queen. Let's get you fed.” She grabs my phone and rushes to my side, taking my hand in hers. Truth is, I’m not in any rush to leave considering we have nowhere to go.
Hand in hand, Max and I leave the hotel, waving to Lila on our way out, wishing her a good night, and promising to see her Monday morning when I return to work.
After loading our bags into the back of my SUV, I help Max into her car seat, then climb into the driver’s seat.
A beeping coming from my car instantly causes my ass cheeks to clench, knowing that life is about to fuck me a little harder.
The shining orange gas light stares at me, the gauge that was barely above the E is now under it.
Great.
Now I need gas. More money I don’t have to spare.
“Mommy, can we get McDonalds?” My daughter’s voice is hopeful, the sound instantly easing my fears and calming me. For her, I’ll survive. I can do this.
She is my reason for existing.
“Sure, baby. We can even go inside and play.”
Max shouts her excitement from the backseat as I switch the car into reverse to pull out of my parking space.
While I drive, she babbles on about her excitement for the McDonald’s playground, and I feel a little more at ease, choosing not to worry about my lack of funds.
At least for the time being.