Chapter 20
TWENTY
ANDY
Oh my God. I'm a fucking idiot.
Not only did I cry in front of Declan, but I tried to kiss him when he'd just been trying to comfort me. Like a fool, I read the situation wrong and wanted to shove my tongue in his mouth. He was so close to me, smelling so damn good, and he was there comforting me when I revealed how I felt about the man I share DNA with. I've never talked about my father before because I've never had anyone to discuss him with.
My mother was so against me meeting him that she wasn't even willing to go to Vegas with me when I begged her. I promised that she wouldn't have to see him. I was willing to let her use my car to go anywhere else and even offered her money. All I'd wanted was someone to be on that trip with me, but she couldn't do that.
Instead, she cussed me out for wanting to meet him. Telling me I should forget about him because he didn't want me. He left us and knew where I lived for sixteen years, yet never once chose to reach out to me.
Before I blocked him on social media, I saw we even had mutual friends. Mutual friends! Yet he never cared about reaching out to me or getting to know me .
I could tell during our dinner that he wasn't interested in being there. He was humoring me in hopes I'd never reach out to him again. Meanwhile, I was fighting a silent battle while I sat across from the man who didn't want to be my father. It was a mindfuck seeing how many features we had in common. I've always known I didn't look like my mother, and seeing the man in real life whose features I share meant a lot to me.
Unfortunately, it didn't mean anything to him.
He couldn't wait to get out of there quick enough. There was no promise to keep in touch, nothing. All that I got was a wave as I was left alone at the table to pay for my meal and drive my pregnant-self home, all while tears streamed down my face the entire time.
Sometimes, I feel guilty because my grandpa was my everything. He was the only father figure I've ever known, and he was the man who showed up. At any school function, he was there in the audience.
He was there for every book fair, Bring Your Dad to School Day , and Dads and Donuts Day at school. But despite having a fantastic grandpa, I'd always been curious about my biological father. Even more so after I got older and lost my grandpa.
I'm terrified that Max will grow up and have the same feelings. She doesn't have any father figure in her life, but one day when she's old enough, I want her to know that I tried so fucking hard to give her someone.
That's partly why she's clung to Declan the way she has. She asks about him daily, lighting up whenever she sees or talks to him.
The day after he gave me his number, I woke up to find her FaceTiming him because she missed him. No matter what I do now, she will be heartbroken when he leaves in a month and a half. I tried to prevent it, but it's bound to happen because she already loves him.
I can't blame her. Declan is amazing with my daughter. He's a natural with children, but I see the sadness in his eyes every time they interact. He's never opened up about losing his son, but I can't blame him for that, considering each time he's tried for us to get to know each other better, I've been the one to stop him. I'm too afraid to get close and let him see the real me.
Guess what? It doesn't matter now, considering I was vulnerable with him today. Getting to know him would be a good idea. But how can I keep my heart out of it? That's the problem. I have a terrible habit of falling for all the right words too quickly. I'm too desperate to have someone and not be alone, and I'm at risk of falling in love with the next man to offer me any attention.
God, I'm such a fucking mess.
Wiping the corners of my eyes with a napkin, I stare at my reflection in the mirror. After the failed kiss, I'd run into the bathroom while Declan checked on Max. I've been in here for over ten minutes, so it's considered avoiding him now.
With a slow breath, I dry my face and dig into my purse for my makeup bag. Taking out the pink sheer lip gloss, I run the sticky gloss over my plump lips, then swipe some mascara over my dark lashes.
"No more tears, Andy. So what if he doesn't want to kiss you. Don't act weird about it." I mumble, forcing myself to smile at my reflection, hoping the embarrassment and rejection will vanish from my eyes at the action.
Huffing out a breath, I toss my makeup bag back into my purse, then pull the strap over my shoulder, forcing myself to pull on my big girl panties and exit the bathroom.
Spotting Declan in the crowd is almost instant. Our eyes have become magnets over the past two weeks spent together. It's like we can feel when the other is looking for the other because, in a matter of seconds, our eyes find each other.
Just like now.
With a smile, he waves his hand as if I'm not staring right at him. He turns to face me completely, and laughter bursts from me at the sight of him carrying Max on his shoulders while she eats from a bag of popcorn .
Popcorn pieces fall from Max's tiny hands into Declan's face, but he doesn't seem bothered by it. Meanwhile, my girl shoves the cherry-coated goodness into her mouth by the handful.
When he turns to pay the vendor at the stand they're currently at, I take a moment to quickly whip out my phone and take a picture of the two of them.
Approaching them, I can't contain the grin spreading across my glossy lips. "She's going to be so hopped up on sugar that I'll never get her to sleep tonight. I should make you come over and be the one to put her to bed."
He chuckles, one hand holding onto Max's leg while the other has a bag of chocolate-covered cherries. "I'm up for the challenge." Taking a candy from the bag, he holds it out to me between two fingers.
He pulls his hand away when I reach for it, guiding the candy toward my mouth. Eyes on his, I part my lips, allowing him to place the chocolate-covered cherry in my mouth.
Declan feeds me the candy, his finger running along my tongue, my lips closing around the thick digit. He smirks, pulling his fingers away and shoving them into his mouth, "Delicious."
The pulse between my legs throbs as I watch him, my thighs clenching together and begging for relief. I've been one horny bitch since meeting him, and I don't see that ending anytime soon. His appearance alone is enough to make me want to jump on his dick, as I'm sure most women do.
But one thing I know for sure about Declan is that I'm not his type. I'm not the type of woman he's been photographed with. The women he dates are all beautiful enough to be models and are physically fit. None of them are as big as I am. Which I've come to accept.
I have a love-hate relationship with my body, which I always have and always will. I won't wake up one day and be a size six. This is the body I have, so I'm going to love it because it's the body that grew and gave birth to my daughter .
Every day, I try to remind myself to be kind to myself.
One day, someone might tell my daughter she looks like me, and I don't want her to be ashamed of herself because of the way her mother talks about herself. Max hears everything, and the last thing I ever want her to hear is how I speak and think about myself.
It's hard when you don't like what you see in the mirror, but I'm trying. Part of accepting myself is realizing that not every man is attracted to bigger women, and that's okay. We all have our preferences, and I'm not Declan's. Do I think that's the reason why he rejected my kiss? No. He's not that shallow. But it did sting and create doubt.
Mixed signals are more like it, considering he just fed me candy, touched my tongue, and then licked the finger that touched my tongue.
What was that about?
Regardless, it was hot. He'll be a great fantasy.
I can't wait to think about him and this moment tonight in bed while I finger myself.
We spent the entire day at The Cherry Festival. Max got a pink and purple glitter butterfly painted on her face, then went to the temporary tattoo station and got a couple airbrush tattoos because she wanted to be like Declan.
She managed to talk him into trying all the treats, despite my protests, and since my girl has him so wrapped around her finger, he gave in and bought her everything she wanted.
A new stuffed animal, non-toxic, peelable nail polish from one of the vendors, and way too much candy. They made it their mission to visit each booth and buy everything that was either cherry-scented or flavored.
Max also wanted Declan to wear cherry-flavored lip balm, so he bought one for himself. The three of us have enough cherry products to last the rest of our lives.
At one of the booths, she pointed out the red bottle of perfume I have at home sitting on my dresser. "That's your perfume, Mommy," she’d said with a smile, proud of herself for remembering.
Declan's response was to lean in and sniff me with a smirk, nodding when he said, "I knew you smelt like cherries."
Five minutes later, I was walking away with a bag containing two more bottles of the perfume I buy yearly, along with the matching shower gel, lotion, and body spray. I tried to protest, but Declan didn't want to hear it and bought it anyway.
I raised an eyebrow in question when I saw that he purchased an extra set for himself but otherwise kept my mouth shut.
We ate our weight in food, and now that the sun is going down, we're leaving.
Holding Declan's hand, Max skips toward the car, still hopped up on her sugar high. She ate more junk food than ever before, and with all her energy, I'm hoping she crashes when we get home. It's been a long day. The last thing I want is to get home and fight her over going to sleep.
"Did you have a nice time?" I ask Declan once we're in the car and leaving.
"I did, actually. I'll admit it’s surprising. I didn't have high hopes for this festival, but it proved me wrong." From the corner of my eye, I can see him staring at me. "Helped that I had great company, too."
I gulp, nodding at his words. Sometimes, I can't tell if he's flirting with me when he does or says certain things. That's another thing about me. Be nice to me, and I'll think you're flirting.
Delusional.
There have been several times over these last two weeks that I could've sworn he was flirting or had lust in his eyes when he looked at me, yet when I tried to act on that feeling and tried to kiss him today, he rejected me.
Remembering that is enough to cool my heated body. I'd been so embarrassed but played it off the best I could, pretending it didn't bother me. Neither of us brought it up, instead choosing to focus on Max and going everywhere she wanted to go and trying everything she wanted to try. But now that the day is ending and I can't use my daughter as a protective shield, the awkwardness has returned between us.
After several minutes of silence, Declan ends it by clearing his throat. "I think Max is passed out," he says, looking into the backseat. One glance into the review mirror tells me he's right.
My girl has passed out in her car seat with a bag of candy on her lap and chocolate smeared on her face. Her lips are parted, and tiny snores escape her as the sugar high finally catches up with her.
A small laugh escapes my lips. "Good. It's hard to get her to sleep when she's hopped up on sugar. I was dreading having to put her to bed tonight. She becomes a cranky monster when the rush starts to wear off." I glance at the sleeping girl in the backseat again. "Wish I could sleep as peacefully as she does."
"Are you not sleeping well?" he asks.
Declan hasn't been back to my apartment since the first day he helped us move in, so he's unaware of our sleeping arrangements. My priority was getting Max a bed, and I had enough saved to buy her a new twin bed. I even found the perfect canopy at the Dollar Store and hung it around her bed, giving her the princess bed she had requested.
Meanwhile, I'm still saving up for a bed and sleeping on an air mattress, but I was smart this time and purchased one with the highest weight limit. That way, I'll be able to sleep on it for a while without having to worry about holes.
Declan doesn't know any of this because I'm willing to bet if he did, he'd offer to buy me a bed. The last thing I'd ever be able to accept from him is a bed. Besides, my sleeping situation isn't any of his concern.
"Nope," I say.
"Why not?" he asks, but I won't be honest.
What can I say? I'm sleeping on an air mattress that sucks, and I miss having a real bed, but I'm also okay with it because I've slept on the floor before, so it's nothing new. Yeah, not going to tell the hottest guy I've ever met that embarrassing fact.
"Probably just adjusting to the new place." He seems to buy my answer because he moves on.
Looking back at Max again, he chuckles. "I can always carry her in for you."
"How would you do that?"
"Well, we'd go to your place, and I'd carry her inside for you." The thought of not having to carry her up three flights of stairs makes me groan with relief.
"Wait, how would you get home?"
"I can walk." Quickly, I look at him, then blink my eyes back to the road.
Why am I considering this? I shouldn't be.
Especially when my body is still on fire for him.
"Take me to your place, Andy," he says in a gruff, commanding tone, causing my body to heat and my thighs to clench.
Holy fuck.
I'm taking him home.