Chapter 45
FORTY-FIVE
DECLAN
"Goodnight, Phoenix! Thank you for the best two fucking nights!" The crowd erupts into a chorus of applause as our second show in Phoenix ends. We performed two shows here, and tonight, we'll hop on the bus and head to Pennsylvania for three shows.
We've been away for a week, and in that time, I've easily slipped back into old habits. Night after night, it's been the same shit. Party at our hotel after the concert ends and fill my system with the same shit I spent too fucking long detoxing from.
Withdrawal fucking sucks. That shit is brutal. I'll have to endure it after our time on the road ends, but until then, I will enjoy doing anything I can get my hands on. The high keeps me going. It mutes the voices in my head that constantly tell me what a fuck up I am.
Silence is all that I need.
Once I'm backstage, I first send a text to my woman and then snort a line of blow that I hid in my shoe.
Me
Show was fucking epic. Miss you, Mama.
Busy as fuck, but I will call as soon as I can.
The moment the drug hits my system, I feel invincible. My pulse races, and heat pounds in my chest, filling my ears with the music of the rapid beat.
More drugs are the last thing I need, considering I haven't slept since we left Washington three days ago. Besides a twenty-minute nap on the tour bus, I've been awake.
My sleep schedule is all fucked up. I'm tired at the worst possible times. When my energy gets low, and my eyelids become heavy, I turn to the baggie in my hand for energy. Which results in my staying up all night long and repeating the same unhealthy cycle.
Oh well.
I'll sleep once I return to Loganville. Hopefully, the lack of sleep will catch up to me, and I'll be able to knock out for several days and blame the withdrawals on being exhausted rather than from coming down.
Andy's not stupid. She'll notice, but fuck, I pray I'll be able to play it off. No way am I going to lose her over something as silly as using coke.
Laughter tears free from my mouth at the thought.
No way is she going to leave me over coke.
I'll be fine. I've got this. It'll be okay.
Two hours later, the stage is torn down, and our equipment is loaded into the buses and trailers that travel with us.
Since we'd already checked out of our hotel and had no place to host an after-party, Damon took it upon himself to allow a few groupies backstage to party with him and Adam. Cole's been off somewhere on the phone talking to Cece. I should've done the same. It feels like forever since I've heard Andy's voice, but I can't speak to her like this.
Not when she'll be able to take one look at me and know I'm not okay. She'll see my red eyes and slurred speech and will ask if I'm on anything.
I'll lie.
She'll know it, then she'll be angry for rightful reasons, and that'll be the end. Not fucking happening. I'm not dumb enough to call my girl when I'm all fucked up.
Instead, I've been sitting backstage with Damon and Adam while they entertain the two women they invited back.
I sit in an ugly red leather recliner, my legs spread wide as I hold a water bottle full of vodka in one hand and a cigarette in the other.
Moans fill the air as two of my friends fuck their nightly girls on the couch. They both standing on either side of the sofa with their cocks buried in pussy, while the two women are on all fours on the sofa facing each other, their tongues tangling with each other as they get fucked.
My dick jerks in my pants at the sight and scent of sweat and sex in the air.
I've been so horny that I'm worried my dick will fall off. I've watched Adam and Damon tag team a new woman every night while I've sat back watching, wishing Andy were here to hop on my dick.
I wonder if she'd be willing to ride me while my friends watched. Knowing her, she'd probably be shy at first, but she'd soon become putty in my hands. She always gives me what I want. And I'll be honest. She fucking surprised me. I had not expected her mouth to be so filthy and for her to be so open and willing in the bedroom.
Fuck. Now my cock is hard as stone and painful thinking about her.
Taking another swig of vodka, I stand, bring the joint to my lips, and inhale the smoke deep into my lungs. Holding it in, I set the bottle down and stub out the ember, exhaling the smoke as I step into the bathroom, needing privacy away from the orgy currently happening.
Pulling my phone from my pocket, I FaceTime Andy and make quick work of pulling my dick out while the phone rings.
I know I said I wouldn't talk to her like this, but I'm too desperate right now. As soon as I come, I'll hang up.
I angle the camera on the counter so she cannot see the tattoo along the left side of my shaft. Wrapping my fist around myself, I groan as I pump my fist.
The call connects seconds later, and Andy's gorgeous face fills the screen. Brown eyes widen at the sight of my cock filling her screen, a slow smirk spreading across her face.
"Fuck, baby. Hello to you, too." She giggles, propping her phone up on a pillow, then quickly pulls the gray T-shirt over her head to reveal her perfect heavy teardrop-shaped tits.
"Goddamn, I miss you and that sweet pussy." I've heard stories about guys not being able to get it up while under the influence. Luckily, that's never been the case with me. Regardless of the conditions I've been in, I can always perform.
Andy lies back, spreads her legs to give me a view of her already glistening pussy, then a buzzing sound fills the speaker as she brings her new toy into view.
Licking my lips, I keep my focus on her core as I pump my first. "What's got you so wet?"
She brings the purple rabbit to her clit, moaning softly as pleasure courses through her body at the contact. "I was lying here thinking about you and was getting ready to watch the video you sent of yourself jerking off the other day."
"You were going to watch it while you played with yourself?"
She gasps. "Yes." The length of the purple toy slowly disappears inside her body, and I watch—transfixed—as her greedy pussy sucks it in. The silicone glistens with her arousal as she pulls it out, then slowly pushes it back inside her tightness.
"Tell me how it feels." A moan slips free from my throat, eyes heavy as I keep my focus. My fist tightens around my shaft, pumping myself quicker, squeezing the tip with each stroke. I use my precum as lube, gliding it down my shaft as I speed up .
My balls tighten, ass cheeks clenching as I fuck my fist.
From this angle, she's unable to see my face, which I'm thankful for.
"Feels so good, but you'd feel better. Your cock is what I need." She quickens her pace, fucking herself faster with the toy. Her pussy makes a squelching noise, arousal dripping down onto the bed.
"Oh, fuck." She cries out in pleasure, hips jerking and raising to chase her orgasm as her movements become frantic.
"Fuck yeah, Mama. Just like that. Fuck that little pussy and imagine it's me destroying it." My breathing becomes heavy. Lips parted as I chase my release. "Imagine it's my cock sliding in and out of you, pounding you so fucking hard that your eyes roll into the back of your head. Picture it, baby. Your nipples in my mouth, my tongue teasing them. Thumb rubbing your little clit. Your body at my mercy as I fuck you how you need to be fucked."
Her legs shake as she reaches her climax, pussy visibly throbbing with the sensation. She slaps a hand over her mouth, muffling the cries of pure pleasure.
I follow seconds behind her, cupping my other hand below my crown and using it to catch my release.
My warm cum fills the palm of my hand. Our heavy breathing mingles together, a slow grin spreading across my face.
"Fuck, baby. I needed that." I turn on the faucet and wash my hands before pulling up my boxer briefs and jeans, quickly fastening them.
"One week until you're here. Then you can fuck something other than your hand." She removes the rabbit from her pussy, bringing the glistening toy to the screen to allow me to see it.
"You drenched it. Now suck it clean."
She obeys, sliding the toy inside her mouth, moaning as the taste of her orgasm explodes on her taste buds. I groan, watching her tongue slide along the rabbit, licking every drop of the cum that I wish I was getting to lick clean.
I know one thing for sure. I'm going to fucking devour her the moment I get home.
A knock at the door momentarily steals my attention from the screen. "We're heading out! Hurry the fuck up!" Damon yells, pounding his fist against the door once more.
Sighing, I say, "Be right out!"
"Guess you gotta go."
"We're heading out to our next destination. The drive to Philly is over thirty hours, so we're leaving now."
"Holy shit." She sits up, bringing the camera to her face. "That's a long drive. Why wouldn't you guys fly?"
"Since we're only away for two weeks, we decided to drive along with the rest of the crew. Usually, we would fly, but not this time. We'll fly out of New York and back to Nevada, though." I wouldn't be able to bring my drugs if we were to fly.
She nods in understanding. "Go do your thing. Be safe, think of me, and send nudes later," she says with a playful smirk.
"You know it, Mama." I end the call, grateful she didn't mention anything about being unable to see my face.
I'll make it up to her by FaceTiming one of these days when my eyes are a little clearer.
We reached Philadelphia two days later, and on the third day, we performed flawlessly in front of a sold-out crowd. Thankfully, we got separate hotel rooms this time, so my room was empty when we got to the hotel after the show.
Tonight's party is hosted in Damon's suite, but I do not want to be around strangers. I want to have a party of one tonight.
I still haven't slept, and I'm so fucking exhausted.
Dark circles have taken residence under my eyes. Before tonight's show, a makeup artist had to apply concealer under my eyes before I stepped underneath the harsh stage lights.
When I don't sleep, the voices in my head become louder. Insomnia has never hit me this hard before. Usually, I'm able to get myself to sleep eventually without much effort, but this time, I just can't seem to fucking do it.
There's a solution.
I've been avoiding it because I'm terrified of stooping that low again.
In the bottom of my duffle bag is a parting gift from Amber. A little something she gave me before I left Seattle in case I needed it.
It's been taunting me since then, but I've been strong enough not to give in. But now, I want it more than anything. I want the relief it'll bring.
I want to feel absolutely nothing.
No voices.
Freedom.
I want fucking freedom.
Grabbing the bag from the floor, I dig around to the bottom until I find the red T-shirt my gift is wrapped in. Carefully, I set it on the coffee table in the living room of my suite and unwrap the shirt, revealing my shiny friend that nearly claimed my life years ago.
"I've been thinking about you," I mutter, sitting on the floor in front of the table once I've collected everything I need.
Taking the metal spoon I swiped from backstage, which I found in someone's lunch box. I waste no time melting down the black tar and adding water as my stomach twists in knots. My mouth salivates at the sight of the flame from my lighter burning down the poisonous drug that I can't wait to inject into my veins.
It's been too fucking long.
Carefully setting the spoon down, I tear a piece from a cotton ball and drop it onto the spoon. Grabbing the syringe, I watch the tip disappear into the dark substance and slowly pull back on the plunger, watching with wide eyes as the liquid is sucked up and loaded into the syringe.
Once ready, I set it down, rip off my belt, and tie it around my arm. My teeth bite into the leather of my belt as I tighten it, using it as a tourniquet.
A couple slaps to my skin has a blue vein popping, rising to the surface and practically begging to be injected with the poisonous tar all loaded and ready to go.
You can do it. Don't stop now.
Once you do this, there's no going back.
You want this. You need this.
Don't do it. You'll never forgive yourself.
The little angel and devil sitting on my shoulders argue with each other, sending me mixed signals.
But my mind is made up. It's too late to turn back and allow a perfectly loaded shot to go to waste.
Don't do it.
Fucking do it.
With my eyes focused on my forearm, I carefully glide the beveled tip into the most prominent blue vein, drawing back until I see crimson, then slowly press down on the plunger.
The dark liquid disappears from my sight as it's injected into my veins.
I set the empty syringe on the table, unfasten my belt, and lay my head back on the couch as I stare at the ceiling with an open mouth, gasping for air.
The room spins around me, my vision becoming blurry as the drug invades my system, awakening a craving that I've suppressed for far too long.
Relief washes over me as my body becomes limp, eyes struggling to remain open and focused on the ceiling.
I did it.
I did something I promised I'd never do again. I'm a liar, so I've always known I'd return to this life.
My mother made this life look too impressive all the times that she'd inject herself with the black tar and then give in to the euphoria.
Drugs have always been my destiny. The path in life I've always been meant to take.
I'm doing what I do best.
Escaping reality when the going gets rough, giving up, and giving in.
So fucking weak.
My heavy eyelids finally close, a smile on my lips as dark brown eyes infiltrate my thoughts.
Andy fucking Harris.
The girl I never saw coming. The girl that has no idea how much this worthless junkie loves her.
I want to pick up my phone and tell her how loved she is, but my limbs are too heavy, and my eyes won't open. Instead of fighting it, I give into the sensation and continue thinking about those pouty lips and dark eyes.
She's my last thought as darkness creeps in, and everything becomes numb and goes blank.