Chapter 53
FIFTY-THREE
DECLAN
I failed.
Just like I fail at everything else in my sorry excuse for a life.
My demons were calling me home, so I surrendered.
What the fuck is the point of carrying on living like this?
All I've ever done is ruin those I love.
I leave destruction in my wake everywhere I go.
All I'd wanted was for the darkness living in my head to consume me, so for once in my miserable life, I could be at peace.
Andy would mourn me, but she'd eventually get over it and find someone better suited for her.
This is the second time I've tried to kill myself by overdosing on heroin, and it's the second time I've been unsuccessful.
Unfortunately for me, both times, there's been someone within arm's reach who could save my life.
Why won't they let me be happy?
First, it was Camille, then it was Adam saving me.
Don't they understand I'm not worth it?
They don't understand that my brain hurts. Twenty-four fucking seven, my mind is telling me how worthless I am and how I should end it.
I hear fucking voices in my head.
"Hey, man." Okay, that voice wasn't in my head.
Turning my head to the side, I look into my best friend's eyes. The tired and defeated look on his face guts me.
I wasn't supposed to be around for this part. I wasn't supposed to be alive to witness my friend's tears as they struggled to understand my reasons for doing anything that I did.
Adam steps into the room, and I notice his bare feet. My eyes roll at the sight, a dry chuckle leaving my dry, cracked lips. I'm assuming they took his shoes to ensure I wouldn't use his shoelaces to finish the job.
He walks into the room and takes a seat beside the bed.
"Is she here?" I ask, voice dry and scratchy. I don't need to say her name, I can't say her name, because he already knows the she I'm referring to.
He nods.
Fuck.
Just another glimpse into my fucked-up mind.
"She shouldn't be here."
"She loves you, man. Of course, she wants to be here."
I pin him with a look. "I don't want her here."
His eyes narrow, and he leans forward, hands balling into fists as he stares at me through the slits of his narrowed eyes. "I don't give a single flying fuck what you want anymore. From this point forward, you're my bitch, and what I say goes." Pleased with his growled words, he sits back in the seat, making himself comfortable. "First, you will go to rehab when you get out of here." He holds up a finger, counting off a second one. "Second, you will work the program this time and be there as long as they fucking say you need to be there. I don't care if they say you have to be there for five years. Your ass will be there."
I scoff, lips curling into a dry smirk. "You're not going to become my fucking parent, man. Watch yourself."
"Someone has to!" He raises his voice, jumping to his feet. "You tried to fucking kill yourself. For the second time." My fingers twitch as he throws that in my face, but otherwise I don't show that it bothered me.
Fucking Andy.
Of course, she told him.
Can't blame her either.
She's probably in the waiting room, terrified, waiting for her chance to see me. It was a dick move ghosting her like I did. I read every single message. Watched my phone light up with every phone call and FaceTime request.
I could've answered, but I had to create distance between us because there was no fucking possible way I could tell her goodbye to her face.
I took the coward's way out.
It's easier this way.
She can hate me and will be able to move on from me. I'm not going to drag her down any fucking further. I'm done taking from her and ruining her.
Turning away from him, I face the white wall. "I'm tired. You should go." I hear him sigh, and then he steps around my hospital bed to face me, giving me no choice but to look at him.
"You're my best friend, Declan, and I thought I lost you. You've been by my side since I was sixteen, and finding you like that, unconscious on the floor with a needle in your vein…" He shakes his head as if attempting to rid the image from his mind. "You've been selfish long enough, so now it's my turn to be selfish. I need you, man. You can't leave me. I will make you stay and get better, whether you want to or not." He waits for a reaction, but I don't give him one. Sighing, he walks off like a scolded child, head hung between his broad shoulders.
I don't let the first tear fall until he's gone from my sight.
I thought my death would make life easier for everyone. Didn't think that anyone would be sorry to see me go, but I'm starting to see how wrong I was.
Why am I like this?
Why can't I be normal?
Free from the memories that haunt me.
Free from the voices.
All I want is peace.
Three days later, I was released from the hospital once they were confident that I wasn't going to off myself while in their care. Adam was there to pick me up, filling me in on everything Andy has done, as he drove me to his and Damon's house.
Apparently, Andy has been calling and texting daily for an update, waiting for the moment she's allowed to see me.
He's such a little pussy. He never told her I didn't want to see her while in the hospital. Instead, he told her I wasn't allowed any other visitors besides him.
She believed him and has been waiting for the day I get released.
While I was in the hospital, I realized how fucking stupid I'd been and how much I miss her. I should've brought her closer instead of pushing her away and trying to protect her from me. She's already promised not to leave me, and I know she'll forgive me.
She has to.
She's my angel. My personal piece of heaven on earth.
Something I'll never get to experience in the afterlife.
Adam has plans for me to go to rehab, and I've gone along with it, but I also have a plan for myself, and it doesn't include fucking rehab.
I was sick as fuck in the hospital, and I'm glad Andy didn't get to see me that way.
All I need is another bump, and I can forget everything and will feel better. I've got to learn to manage my addiction better.
I'd been telling myself that I could only have one or the other, but I realize now that I can have both .
I can have both the girl and the drugs. I'll have to be careful, but I can do it.
A smile spreads across my lips at the thought.
The moment we pull into the driveway, I spot Andy sitting on the front steps of Adam's house. Damon must not be home if she's sitting outside.
I climb out of Adam's SUV, and at the sight of me, my girl comes running over, brown eyes full of unshed tears.
Her warm body collides with mine, arms around my waist as she buries her face in my chest. Wrapping my arms around her shoulders, I hold her close to me, cherishing the feel of her against me.
She lifts her head, and our lips connect. "I'm so fucking sorry, baby," I mumble against her lips, angling her face upward so I can devour her mouth like the starved man I am.
I hadn't noticed it at first, but now that I look over my shoulder, I spot the white Range Rover parked at the curb. I smile at the fact she's still using my rental and make a mental note to order her car as soon as possible.
A throat clearing has us pulling our lips away and turning to look at a grinning Adam, "Hey, Andy," he greets, hands in his pockets.
"Hi, Adam. Thanks for letting me come over."
He smirks. "Did I have a choice?"
She shrugs. "Nope. I was going to be here with my man one way or another." He chuckles, the sound fading as he walks toward the front door, unlocks it, and then steps inside, leaving me and my angel behind.
"Let's go talk? I have a lot to apologize for." She nods, takes my hand, and allows me to lead her inside the house.
Once we reach my bedroom on the second floor, I lock the door behind us, step out of my shoes, then go toward the bed and stretch out. The hospital bed was scratchy and stiff. I've been dreaming about getting back to this fucking bed and attempting to get more than three hours of sleep .
She sits beside me, crisscrossing her legs, hands in her lap as she watches me. "I'm glad you're okay. You have no fucking idea how scared I've been." I roll onto my side, propping myself up with my elbow. I grab her hand with the other and intertwine our fingers.
"Do you think you'd ever be able to forgive me? Simply saying sorry isn't nearly enough for what I owe you."
She squeezes my hand, a faint smile dusting her pink lips. "I've already forgiven you, Declan. There's no point in holding onto anger. You have an addiction, and no matter what you do, you always will. Every day, you are going to have to make the choice to remain sober. I've told you once, but I'll tell you again, I won't give you a second chance. Next time I find out you're using, that's it. I will never again be the person that has to compete against drugs. I've done it my entire life with my mother, and I will not do it with the man I love."
I see the sincerity in her eyes, and God, I wish I could promise her that I don't want this addiction or to be this person who relies on it. This isn't what I want out of my life.
"For you, Mama, I'd do anything. I'm going to try so fucking hard."
Infamous last words.