16. Trey
16
Trey
W hat Ben is asking me for is absolutely valid. I know that we need to talk about this and figure out what comes next. The problem is I don’t know what I’m doing here. I don’t do hook-ups. I don’t even really do friends-with-benefits. What we had done together was neither of those things – was it?
I don’t know if Ben does hook-ups or friends-with-benefits. Sure, Mandy said he hadn’t dated since the divorce, but everybody has urges, and I doubt he would tell his daughter if he had hook-ups or other arrangements to get those itches scratched.
“The way I see it, we have two different conversations to have,” I tell him. “Your questions hurt my feelings because of the implications that I heard in them. After some time and thinking about it, I’m relatively sure that you didn’t mean to imply that what happened was all my fault, that I should have made better life choices, and that I wasn’t fit for Mandy to be friends with.”
Ben’s jaw actually drops, and his eyes go wide. “No! Of course, that’s not what I meant! Any of it!”
I smile across the table. “I know that now,” I reassure him.
“Good! I was pissed that something like that could happen to a fifteen-year-old kid. I just can’t wrap my mind around a reality where that exists,” Ben exclaims.
“That’s what I do at the shelter,” I tell him. “I help teens and young adults who have stories just like mine or close to it. It’s way too common.”
“Mandy had a couple of friends in high school whose parents just didn’t do their jobs,” Ben says. “But there was always something we could do to help.”
“I’m glad you did. There are quite a few kids who aren’t that lucky, and I was one of them. I do need you to understand that when I say I was a drug user and a sex worker, that I don’t do those things anymore. I haven’t in years. I’ve worked hard to get through the trauma from that time, but there are always traces left. I’ll probably have more to work through. I also need to prioritize my sobriety. Sometimes, the Trey that did drugs seems a million years ago, and sometimes, I can taste it. I’m not going to make promises about tomorrow. I can just tell you that I’m doing my best today.”
Ben nods along with a serious expression. It seems like he’s really hearing what I’m telling him. “I can’t claim to know much about addiction,” he says. “Just ‘one day at a time’ and the other things that you hear on TV or whatever. I know it’s an important part of your work and life, though, and if you ever want to talk about it, I’d be interested in hearing about it.”
“So none of that makes you uncomfortable? None of it makes you regret what we did together the other night?”
Ben cringes a little, and I brace myself. What he says, though, is not what I expected to hear. “I’ve been thinking about you since the wedding. I tried not to. I didn’t think you’d be interested, and anyway, it’s kind of creepy with the age difference, but…”
I smile, both with relief and amusement. “I’ve known plenty of creepy men,” I say. “You are one of the least creepy people I’ve ever known.” I get up to clear my plate, and when I grab his plate, I lean over and give him a quick kiss.
We work together quickly to get the kitchen cleaned up, and the girls know that the dishwasher starting means it’s walk time. “Do you want to come?” Ben asks.
Walking and talking are the perfect way to continue the conversation. We walk for the first few minutes in silence. Our hands bump, though, and I feel his fingers curl lightly around mine. I smile and entwine our fingers, squeezing his hand.
Ben finally speaks up. “I’ve been thinking about the age difference since even before the fundraiser. Maybe you’re right that it isn’t creepy, but it’s kind of unusual. And you’re my daughter’s best friend, which is a whole other level of weird.”
I frown in thought, but I don’t let go of his hand. “I’m almost thirty. I might be younger than you, but I’m not that young. I’ve done a lot more living than most people my age, too…” I look sidelong at him. “Maybe even more than you have.”
Ben nods just enough for me to see. “I think you might be right there. You’ve built yourself a solid foundation for a good future after overcoming more than I’ve ever even thought of.”
“It wasn’t great,” I tell him, “but I was determined, and I was lucky enough to find people and organizations that supported me while I did it. The luckiest find, though, was Mandy. And I’m not just saying that because she introduced me to you.”
Ben chuckles. “Awww…” he teases, then sobers. “Look, I don’t know where you’re looking for this to go…”
I shrug. “This wasn’t on my bingo card at all. I don’t really know. I know what I’m not looking for, so maybe we can start there?”
Ben nods. “Works for me.”
“I don’t hook up,” I begin. “I don’t like casual sex both because I don’t like giving myself away like that, and I don’t like being physically vulnerable with someone I don’t know well enough to trust. I’ve had a couple of FWBs in the past, but–”
“F W B?” Ben interrupts, brow furrowed in confusion.
“Friend with benefits,” I say. “They’re friends, but you also have sex when the mood strikes you.”
Ben grimaces. “That’s a partner,” he says. I work very hard to keep my face neutral.
“It’s – the point is I don’t do casual sex,” I say. “I know that didn’t seem to be the case the other night, but I don’t. I don’t want this to be some kind of– of–”
“Something we do when we’re bored?” Ben asks softly, and there is a rawness in his voice that tells me there is something behind that question.
“Yes,” I say. “I don’t want that for myself anymore.”
“Trey…” Ben’s body leans toward mine, and we stop, facing each other while the girls sniff everything they can reach on both sides of the path. “I don’t want that either. I’ve never wanted that. I’ve only been with Mandy’s mother until you. She was the only person I’d ever wanted to be with. Since I’ve met you and felt the —” He pauses, and I can tell he’s searching for the right word. “The desire that I have for you, I realize that what I felt for Sherri was a pale imitation at best. I don’t want you because you’re handsome or convenient. I want you for you .”
Warmth flows through me. “Ben… I want you for you, too.” I stop and chew my lip as I brace myself for the admission I’m about to make. “I really, really like you. As in, I could very well fall in love with you if I let myself. I’ll try not to if this is a bad idea… But I really don’t want it to be.”
Ben takes my other hand in his and we stand together, searching each other’s faces. “It’s not a bad idea,” he says softly. “I think it’s a fantastic idea.”
He leans in and kisses me, and my eyes close in bliss.
***
We head home after the girls have been properly worn out, walking hand in hand. Once we get there, we take our conversation to the sofa. We’re in each other’s space, and it feels good, especially when Ben tucks himself under my arm.
“I don’t think I’ve ever been attracted to a man before,” he says out of nowhere.
I make an enquiring noise to keep him talking, but it catches me off guard and, honestly, sounds a little bit like a red flag.
“But I went and talked to Sherri once I realized I couldn’t get you out of my head. She left me because I didn’t love her the way that she needed to be loved. I understand better what was lacking after last night. That was the most intense sensation I’ve ever experienced. I love Sherri, but I’ve never wanted her so badly that I would have begged for her to touch me. I thought I couldn’t feel need that strong. But… I guess I was wrong.”
I hum, stroking my fingertips along his arm.
“That was the best sex I’ve ever had in my life, and you only jerked me off,” Ben says with a slightly shaky laugh. “I’ve been reading about gay sex and reading about human sexuality in general. I like to learn about things. How else are you going to know?”
“That’s true,” I offer quietly.
Ben nods. “When I think of the things that I read, of doing the things I read about, with you …” He groans. “But I still don’t understand why .”
I pull in a breath. “I don’t know. Maybe you’re on the ace spectrum. If you really wanted to understand, there are sex therapists who specialize in things like that, but that won’t help you tonight.”
“No,” Ben agrees. He looks at me sidelong. “Tonight, I’d much rather explore what else I like about you.”
I smile. “Is that so… What else would you like to explore about me?” I shift so we’re more head-on, laying my hand on his thigh.
“Well…” Ben begins, even as another of his blushes blooms. “I was a little distracted before, what with the post-orgasmic lethargy, but you have a very, very nice dick, and I’ve spent a lot of the last couple of days wondering how it tastes.”
I grin full-on cat-that-got-the-cream. “Oh?”
Ben nods, fully flushed but still meeting my eyes.
I lean close and kiss him, sweeping my tongue along his lower lip and into his mouth when he opens eagerly. “I would love that,” I whisper against his lips, then kiss him again.
Ben is more assertive this time, pushing me back into the couch cushion to kiss me, and I run my fingers through his hair and scratch his scalp lightly. He finally breaks the kiss, panting, and moves to my ear and down the side of my neck.
It seems like Ben has decided to take the taste test and expand it to everywhere else that he can put his mouth, too. I have no complaints about that, nor about when he sucks lightly on the side of my neck, I gasp at the shivery pleasure, so he sucks harder. His teeth follow, and I pull back to laugh. “You just gave me a hickey,” I say.
Ben’s eyes go wide. “I– I’m sorry.”
I am still chuckling. I’m loving Ben’s reactions. “It’s fine, it’s very fine… I’m glad you’re this into it.”
Ben’s hand finds ground zero, grinding the heel of his palm against my erection through my joggers. I rock with it, a subtle grind that won’t lead anywhere but feels amazing right now as we explore each other with our mouths and hands.
My shirt soon gets discarded, and Ben moves his taste test to my nipples. When he sucks hard on one of them, I involuntarily tighten my fist in his hair. He freezes for a moment, and I quickly release my grip, but his hand flies up and pastes itself over mine. “More,” he says roughly and sets to work on getting me out of my pants.
His technique is sloppy, and he needs a little direction, but apparently, he has also read up on this. He has a decent idea of the basics for someone who has never done it before. I keep one hand in his hair, which he seems to love, and as I get closer, I tug again. “More, baby, yes…” I hiss. “Good– Yes, fuck, Ben, more.”
I’m so close, and then I feel his warm hand cradle my balls as he hollows his cheeks, and I’m gone. “So good, Ben. Fuck!”
He doesn’t swallow, letting it paint his lips and jaw instead. He kneels on the floor with his head hanging when I open my eyes. I gentle my hand once my orgasm passes, but I’m still petting his hair. I am afraid that I did something he didn’t like in the heat of the moment. Then I see that his pants are open, and his dick is dripping limply on the floor.
“Did you–?”
Ben nods, looking at me through his lashes. “You said– and I just–”
I groan. He’s going to kill me. “Fuck, yes, Ben, we’re going to be amazing together,” I say as I drag him up into my lap to cuddle.