Chapter Forty-Three #3
‘Well, you should.’ He pouted. ‘Despite your blatant disrespect, I still want to help you so make sure you’re listening this time.
’ He held up one hand and counted on his fingers.
‘Callum and I exchanged blow jobs when he got home from wandering the mountains last night. Then I ploughed him like a field of Maris Pipers when we went to bed. Then we woke up in the night and sixty-nined, which was a transcendent experience that I will tell you about in more detail later and you will listen to every word I say. Then, this morning, Callum ploughed me like a field of King Edwards.’ Aster blew out a breath.
‘And, honestly, even after all that, if Callum had suggested staying home today to hump like bunnies, I would have been fully on board.’
‘Wow.’ I’d apparently spent too much time cringing and waiting for it to be over while Aster talked about his sex life. I hadn’t comprehended the amount of time he and Callum dedicated to doing it.
‘Wow indeed, my friend.’ Aster nodded like what he’d said was wise rather than impressive in a much more carnal way.
‘And I don’t just want Callum around when we’re having sex.
I can’t tell you every thought in my head because my mouth simply cannot work fast enough, but I have had several vivid daydreams about Louisa’s grandma knitting a pouch so that Callum could carry me around the mountains and feed me treats. ’
‘Really?’ I wasn’t sure about being carried by Kit, but I wanted to stick to him like glue. ‘You really want that?’
‘That, and so much more.’ Aster’s hands settled back on my knees.
‘Being attracted to someone feels over the top at times, like the stuff your brain comes up with can’t be right, but it’s just a way of expressing how much you like them.
Like, I’m fairly sure I’d get bored in about five minutes being carried around by Callum if he was actually working and wasn’t feeding me, but that doesn’t stop a bit of my brain from wanting it.
’ He squeezed my knees. ‘Nothing you’ve said is weird or wrong.
It may feel intense because you’ve not felt this way before, but it’s not outside the wide spectrum of things people want when they really really like someone. ’
A reason I was deeply grateful for being a wolf was the sure knowledge that Aster’s heartbeat had stayed steady as he spoke. He wouldn’t lie to me anyway, but I needed more than reassurance that I wasn’t being too much. I needed to know that what I was feeling was okay.
Relief, pure and cleansing, washed over me. I hadn’t done or thought anything that would scare Kit off. I hadn’t ruined anything.
I flopped backwards, smiling up at the blue sky. ‘I’m not weird.’
‘I wouldn’t go that far.’ Aster hurled himself onto the ground beside me, propped up on his elbows so he could peer down at me. ‘Being weird is wonderful. We revel in being weirdos. But yeah, everything you’re feeling for Kit is bog standard attraction.’
My cheeks hurt with the change from flat sadness to beaming. The happiness inside of me felt brighter than the sun. Certainly warmer. Even on a clear September day, the wind whipping across the loch was chill.
Aster nudged me with his shoulder. ‘So. You like Kit, then?’ He wiggled his eyebrows.
I couldn’t lower the smile on my face even a millimetre so grinned at him like a loon. ‘I like him so much.’
‘Hey. Losers.’ A shout cut across the cool autumn air before I could launch into a speech about everything that was wonderful about Kit. It would have been long. ‘Bonnie is going to go on a rampage if you cause even one of Joshua’s roast potatoes to burn.’
Aster and I sat up. Louisa had shouted loud enough for him to hear. She glared at us from the top of a hill, her hands on her curving hips.
Aster scrambled to standing. ‘Can’t let a potato burn.’ He held out his hand to help me up, then twined our fingers together as we hurried towards Louisa.
Her glare was even more cutting up close. ‘I know you two are joined at the hip or whatever, but I need to talk to Lucas.’ She pointed one long nail, painted a swirling mix of greens and blues, at Aster. ‘Scram.’
‘You look like a goddess.’ Aster ditched my hand and skipped towards the road, just visible in the distance. ‘I was meant to be checking on a patch of clover before lunch,’ he said to himself. ‘But besties before Fabaceae.’
My smile faded under the force of Louisa’s glare as we waited for Aster to amble out of earshot.
I hadn’t spent a great deal of time with her, only at group dinners or occasionally in Kit’s shop.
She was intimidatingly put together. I was scared I’d grub up her perfect outfits with my constantly fur-covered ones, but Kit seemed to like her and that had to mean she couldn’t be too terrifying.
‘I like your jumpsuit,’ I said at the same time she growled, ‘You need to stay the fuck away from Kit.’
This wasn’t like the game Aster and I played. All the joy I’d been revelling in shrivelled up and died.
‘What?’ I gasped, my insides plummeting like I was on a rollercoaster that had run out of track.
‘Stay. Away. From. Kit.’ Each word was a snarl. Louisa threw her hair over her shoulder, the orange strands flashing in the sun. ‘He doesn’t deserve to be hurt.’
I scrambled to understand without aggravating her, but that didn’t seem like an option. I’d been so sure, after Aster reassured me I wasn’t a clingy freak, that I’d run back down the mountains and into Kit’s welcoming arms. Not that one of his friends would come up here to warn me away.
‘I don’t understand,’ I admitted, despite how pleading innocence might incur her wrath. ‘What’s happened?’
Louisa’s bright red lips curled over her teeth, her canines way sharper than they should have been. ‘What happened is that you screwed him over.’
I blinked. That didn’t feel like what had happened. I’d only been scared that I would be too much for Kit, not that I’d done anything that had hurt him.
‘What did I do?’ I didn’t know where I’d gone wrong, but I needed information before I could make it right.
Louisa huffed. ‘What you did was use one of my closest friends for sexual exploration. News flash, straight boy; queer people have feelings too. Sex isn’t meaningless to us.’
I blinked under her battering accusations. The least important but the one that stuck was her calling me straight. I didn’t really know what I was but since the only person I’d ever developed feelings for was a man, that didn’t apply.
Louisa didn’t give me the chance to unpack anything else she’d said.
‘It’s not enough that you used Kit to let off excess energy or whatever.
You left him. Didn’t even have the decency to talk to him before you ran off this morning.
How do you think that made him feel, huh? ’ She growled. ‘You worthless shit.’
I wrapped my arms around myself. The only other times I’d been so roundly misunderstood and insulted were during brief phone calls with my dad. At least none of his blows landed like Louisa’s. He didn’t know me well enough to hurt me more than skin deep.
‘I’m sorry,’ I whispered, but it wasn’t Louisa I needed to apologise to.
More than anything else, it had been monumentally stupid to believe that leaving without a word this morning wouldn’t affect Kit.
I thought I was saving him from dealing with me, but he didn’t know that.
All he knew was that we’d been super close, then I was gone.
‘I’ll make it right,’ I promised.
‘Yeah, you fucking well will.’ Some of the steam spilled out of Louisa when I didn’t fight back.
Her shoulders dropped and her mouth closed to form a flat line.
‘I’ve talked to Kit about it. We agreed it would be best for you to move out.
Bonnie and Joshua have a spare room. You can stay there for a while, at least until Cob returns. ’
I opened my mouth, then snapped it shut.
I didn’t want to leave Kit’s cosy cottage and live anywhere else.
Not because of the amount of blankets and perfectly cheesy homecooked meals, but because I wanted my home to be Kit’s as well.
I never wanted to leave him. That wasn’t what I’d meant to do this morning, despite how it looked.
Louisa sneered down her nose at me. ‘I don’t want to spend time with you, but we need to go to lunch. Despite what you’ve done, we’re still pack.’
She turned on one heel, which was somehow devoid of grass and mud, and walked down the hill towards the winding road that led from the mountains.
I stood still, letting her get a head start and reeling with the impact of what she’d said.
I’d been so unhappy when I arrived at the loch. Aster had taken my misery away, only for a heap more sadness to land on me.
I’d never meant to hurt Kit. It ached in my chest like a broken rib that I had.
If leaving his cottage was what he needed me to do, then I’d do it, but I hoped he would hear me out first. Hopefully, he would understand that I’d done a thoughtless thing, but I never would again if I could help it.
Louisa’s hair bobbed in the distance. I trailed after her down the mountains. This lunch was apparently inescapable, but some time before or after or during I’d make it clear to Kit that he meant far more to me than what could be expressed in one night.
I meant what I’d said; he was it for me. I wanted to prove that over my whole life.