Chapter Forty-Five
LUCAS
Lunch passed in a daze.
In a parody of the meal after Kit rescued me from overly concerned pet owners weeks ago, we sat across the table from one another. During the lunches since, we’d always sat side by side. Our knees had pressed together and our elbows nudged as we ate.
That first lunch had been full of hope. I’d been unsure that Kit understood exactly what he was taking on by proposing a friendship with me, but I’d wanted to try. I’d wanted to know him.
Now I did, and he wanted nothing to do with me after I’d let him down.
Despite the buzzing in my ears that drowned out the boisterous conversations bouncing around the table, I registered Aster’s frown as he looked between Kit and me.
Callum whispered in his ear, saying something I could easily have heard if my brain wasn’t a hive of bees, and Aster snuggled into his side.
I tried not to look at Kit too much, sure that he wouldn’t welcome my attention any more than he did my general presence in his life, but everything else was an indistinct blur.
I shovelled a huge portion of roast dinner into my mouth and the flavours registered distantly, but couldn’t compare to my raving desire to heave the table out of the way and throw myself into Kit’s arms.
I hated that he was sad. His brown eyes never met mine and he didn’t say a word as he slowly ate. He was a quiet man, but I never wanted to see him so small and silent ever again.
I’d made this happen. My thoughtless actions had diminished him.
I should have considered how it would look when I left the cottage this morning. My worries had loomed so large, but I should have known what waking up alone would do to Kit. He’d told me about his dating history, how no one he’d been with seemed to want him for anything more than a quick thrill.
Even though I was scared of overwhelming him, I should never have left without impressing on Kit that he was the most important person in my world.
I’d been so scared of losing him because I was sure everything I felt was too much, but I’d lost him because I’d been blinded by my own fear and said too little.
Plates were cleared, pudding brought out, and I wanted to scream. I didn’t want to live in this cottage or up in the mountains, I wanted to make a home with Kit. I didn’t want him to think I was some uncaring arsehole who didn’t want him, but he didn’t want to hear it.
I wanted him so badly, but I couldn’t see a way to make any of this right.
A cupcake had been placed in front of me. I took a bite, then gagged.
It was dry, yet flooded my mouth with saliva as I fought to choke down an overly salty mouthful.
Everyone else’s faces ranged from outright disgust to ill-concealed horror.
Joshua, always smiling unless someone brought up his absent brother, looked around the suddenly silent table. His bushy beard reconfigured as he bit his lip. ‘Do you like them?’
We were collectively saved from answering by a loud buzz. This time it wasn’t inside my head. The mouthful of cupcake leaden on my tongue, I wiggled my phone free from my pocket.
My face wouldn’t have been happy given the combination of Kit based misery and the heinous cupcake turning to mush in my mouth, but it must have fallen even further when I saw it was a number I didn’t recognise flashing across my phone screen.
Only one person called me from a different phone every time.
Dad was probably scared I would contact him if he held onto the same number for too long.
Actually no, that wouldn’t be it. Dad most likely changed his phone for some reason totally unrelated to me.
He didn’t think about me unless he was demanding money.
‘Mo. Mo mo mo,’ Aster slurred. He spat his mouthful of cupcake onto his plate then leapt up and braced one hand on the table. He careened forwards, grabbed my phone, then hurled himself back into his seat.
No one was more surprised than me that he landed without breaking himself, anyone else around the table, or the crockery surrounding us.
He recovered from his unexpected feat of acrobatics quickly. He jabbed at my phone. The buzzing stopped.
Aster looked up, and his triumphant grin dropped. ‘Lukey?’
The fog that had fallen over me since Louisa shouted about my wrongs cleared, and it took something extra with it. Fire burned in my veins, cleansing and bright.
I spat my mouthful of disgusting cupcake onto my plate. ‘Give me my phone.’
Aster shook his head. ‘You can’t be trusted. Sorry, Lukey, but I’m saving you from yourself.’
I stood up, my chair toppling over. ‘Give me my fucking phone, Aster.’
My voice had climbed to a high octave no one but my best friend would have heard me use before.
He’d only experienced it twice. Once when he walked in on me having private time with myself during a school trip to France.
The other when he’d told me it was best to combine our Pokémon card collections, a travesty that could not be borne since all of his were torn and mine were beautifully pristine.
I held my hand out over the table. Aster’s eyes were wide as he placed my phone in the centre of my palm. His fingers twitched when it started buzzing again, but I snatched it away.
I raised it to my ear, half considering leaving the room but the thought of doing this alone made the new fire inside me sputter. ‘Dad?’
‘Lucas.’ Pleasantries over, he ploughed straight into the reason for this call. The only reason he ever called his son. ‘I need five hundred pounds. Today.’
I took a deep breath. ‘No.’
Flames raced through me as I said the word I should have shouted years ago at the parent who only ever used me.
The silence around the table was so complete that even Aster could hear the mocking laugh down the line.
‘Nice try, kiddo.’ Dad huffed. ‘It’s the same account details as last time.’
‘I’m not sending you any money,’ I growled. I’d been shocked by my more wolfy tendencies in bed with Kit last night, but they felt fitting now.
‘You owe me,’ Dad growled right back, switching from fake jolliness to outright aggression.
‘You and your mother sucked the life out of me for too long. Took everything I had and some. If I need a few hundred pounds from you every now and then, it barely makes a dent in what you should be sending my way.’
‘You’re delusional.’ I’d thought it a hundred times, but had never fully understood it until now. ‘Parenting and marriage aren’t transactions. There isn’t a record kept of what’s put in and what’s taken out. Even if there was, you would be so far in the red it’s laughable.’
‘Tell yourself that,’ Dad snapped. ‘You and your mother are useless sacks of shit. Now do the one thing you’re good for, and send me the fucking money.’
‘You’re not going to stop this unless I cut you off.’
‘I’m not going to stop regardless of what you do.’
I shook my head. ‘No. You will. Making a phone call is easy, but finding me would be a lot harder. Even then, I’m never giving you anything ever again. I’m done with you. I should have been done a long time ago. Bye, Dad.’
I hung up, then held down the power button to turn off my phone until I had the time and head space to block his latest number. I’d change mine soon too. Make it as difficult as possible for him to contact me.
My chest heaved. I’d always been so pliant, so easy to get along with.
I took the longest shifts at my last vet surgery whenever I was asked to and I moved to a freaking island because my best friend suggested it and I didn’t come down from the mountains on the first day I conceivably could after turning into a wolf-man because I was told it wasn’t a wise idea.
I’d been good and compliant for long enough. I was done.
Bonnie picked up my fallen chair, then braced her hands on my shoulders. ‘As fun as it was to witness your domestic, perhaps un-bunch your panties before you sit down. I don’t want you to injure yourself.’
‘No.’ I turned on her, batting her hands away. ‘Some of the things you say aren’t funny or clever.’
Thick eyebrows rose towards her hairline. ‘Alright, alright. Calm down.’
‘No.’ I balled my hands into fists. ‘I’m not going to calm down. I don’t want to be calm. Don’t tell me what to do.’
‘This is incredible,’ Aster whispered.
I whirled on him. ‘No. I don’t want to hear about your sex life.’
His mouth fell open. ‘What?’
‘I’ve told you so many times that I don’t want to hear details of your sex life. No more. No.’
Aster’s face paled behind his numerous freckles. ‘I didn’t realise you don’t actually want to hear about it. I thought it was like when you said you’d rather not when I suggested dressing up in your mum’s heels or always sharing half your Jaffa Cakes with me until the end of time.’
‘No. Yes. No.’ I shook my head. ‘Yes, it is like those times because, no, I didn’t want to do those things either.’
‘Oh, shit.’ Aster’s eyes swam with tears. ‘I’m a terrible best friend.’
I pointed at him across the table. ‘No. You’re the bestest friend I could ever wish for. But you don’t always get things right. And that’s okay, because I love you anyway.’
‘Love you too, bud,’ Aster whispered, tucking his head into Callum’s shoulder.
‘Did no one like my cakes?’ Joshua muttered while I caught my breath.
‘No,’ I exploded. ‘They were awful. You’re an incredible cook of roast dinners and, I assume, a brilliant brewer of whisky, but you are a terrible baker. Leave it to someone else.’
Joshua’s brown cheeks bunched with a smile. ‘Cob’s back soon. I wanted to surprise him with cakes I’d baked, but his will always be infinitely better.’
Someone coughed on the other side of the table. I turned on them, to find a wide eyed Errol.
‘We haven’t talked much. I’m not sure you have anything to shout at me about.’ He tugged his bright red beanie down over his shorn black hair. ‘Being a vet sounds gross.’
I reeled back, only to bump into the table when I righted myself. I ignored the salt shaker that fell over and jabbed my finger in his direction.
‘No. You’re wrong.’ I grimaced. ‘Well, actually, quite a lot of it is gross. But.’ I rallied, puffing out my chest. ‘It’s also the best job ever. Way better than bobbing across the sea.’
‘Agree to disagree.’ He slung his arm across his wife’s shoulder.
‘You.’ I adjusted my finger to point it at her. ‘No. I’m actually not an arsehole or a worthless shit, thank you very much.’
It looked like Errol’s arm might be the only thing keeping Louisa in her chair. I swung around to point at Callum before she could snap at me. ‘And no, your offer is kind but I don’t want to live in the mountains ever again.’
Finally, I rounded on Kit. My hand fell to my side like it was filled with lead. His cheeks were pink, his eyes shining.
‘No,’ I said much more quietly than I had to any of the people surrounding us. They dropped out of existence as I struggled for the right words to get him to hear me. ‘I don’t want to be your friend and I don’t want to move out of the cottage.’
Kit’s chest heaved. I wished there wasn’t a table between us.
‘I want more with you, Kit. I don’t ever want to be apart from you.
’ My eyes flicked to the sides. Everyone else in the room was insignificant compared to Kit, but they were actually still there even if my brain screamed to focus on Kit and Kit alone.
I reached a hand over the table. ‘Do you want to continue this conversation outside?’