Chapter 3 #2
One more kiss, and he stepped back. His eyes weren’t cold anymore—they’d softened to that melting ocean blue they did when he was rattled too.
“I love you.” The words slipped out before I could stop them.
Instantly, regret slammed into me. The heat in his eyes vanished. He looked overwhelmed. Not in the good way. Not with want. Just…stunned.
I forced a smile. “Sorry.”
His hand went to the back of his neck, fingers scratching the nape. His lips twisted into a grimace. “We should talk after work.”
His words might as well have been a lightning bolt, striking my chest dead center, because they sure as hell stopped my heart real fucking quick.
“Sure. What about?” My voice came out shaky, and I cleared my throat to hide it, somewhat unsuccessfully.
“Just talk.” Atty’s lips pressed together tightly.
“Cool.”
“See you in a bit.” He gave Ezra a wave, and then he was off, leaving me sitting there in a puddle of nerves.
Was it too much? I’d told him I loved him a couple of times now—it wasn’t new information. What about that turned him off so abruptly?
How did I manage to screw up this chance with one fucking sentence?
World record material right there: Noah Rossi fucks up his second chance in under a month with only three words.
“Psst. Hey.” Ezra’s fingers snapped in front of my face.
I stared at him blankly.
An annoyed scowl took over his face. “Just let him talk before you spiral into doomsday, okay? You know he’s crap at it. So are you. Just…hear him out.”
I nodded, brain still rebooting. “Okay.”
“Okay,” he repeated, shaking his head. “You two better get your shit together. I’m not always gonna be around to fix it.”
Easier said than done.
Getting the hang of us again wasn’t easy—no matter how badly I wanted it.
And now Atty wanted to talk.
In my experience, nothing good ever came from someone wanting to “talk” to me.
I drove in a near-panic state as I dropped Holly off and took Atty home. He’d asked me to come up to his apartment for the dreaded “talk.” I supposed that was better than being told to fuck off in the car. Not that I was convinced it’d be any nicer upstairs.
Atty held the door open for me. “I know this is breaking one of the rules, but…”
His place was smaller than his last, but in a better neighborhood, so it made sense. A compact kitchen opened into a modest living room, with a hallway leading to what I assumed were the bedrooms.
“Sorry about the mess—Ez is staying with us.” He nodded at the bags and scattered belongings, the chaos sticking out against Atty’s usual neatness.
“That’s fine. He’s staying on the couch?”
“In Col’s room.”
I arched a brow.
He chuckled as he crossed to the fridge. “Col’s at his parents’. I guess Ez will take the couch once he’s back.” He handed me a water bottle before dropping onto the couch.
I stayed rooted to the spot. “Well, if he needs a place, my house is available,” I offered, rolling the bottle between my palms but making no move to sit.
“That’s nice of you. I’ll ask him.” He gave me a small smile, but otherwise his face remained impassive.
“I thought he was moving back to Miami?”
Atty nodded. “That was the plan, but he landed a great internship here, so…”
We stared at each other for a beat too long.
“Are you going to sit?”
I gave the couch an accusatory glance before flopping onto it. I guessed it couldn’t be helped.
“So,” I said, inhaling deeply.
“So,” he echoed.
His gorgeous face had that slightly confused, slightly stunned look it got when things got awkward beyond reason.
“I’m sorry,” I blurted, unable to take it anymore.
Atty tilted his head. “What are you sorry for?”
“Whatever I did that made you want to have this talk. Was it saying I love you? Was that too much?”
“Well, yeah. That was it. But I don’t think it’s what you think.”
“Okay, then can you tell me? So I can stop freaking out?”
He nodded—but didn’t speak. He stared down at his hands, lips pressed together. I waited while he took a breath, his mouth twisting before he finally spoke.
“When you said it, it made me happy. Just like it always did.” That loosened the knot in my chest—until he added, “But now…”
“What now?”
He exhaled hard before meeting my gaze. “Now, I can’t stop remembering all the other stuff you used to say to me.”
My heart sank. “Atty…”
He lifted his hand, his voice soft, if a little small. “Give me a minute to get this out.”
I nodded, biting the side of my thumb.
“I think we need to talk about this if we’re really going to try,” he continued, “because I don’t want to keep wondering if you’re going to turn back into him.”
Shit. That hurt like hell.
His eyes stayed locked on mine, but I managed to stop chewing my thumb.
“Okay.”
“You were really mean to me, Noah.”
The sting behind my eyes was immediate. I blinked it away.
“And I know you were struggling—and maybe it wasn’t really about me—but some of the things you said…they can’t be unsaid. At least not in my head. You said you’re working on it, and I need to know how. I need to know you’re not going to do it again.”
I swallowed thickly. “Okay. First things first—I’m sorry. I’m sorry I took it out on you.”
“I know you’re sorry, Noah. It’s not about—”
“I know it’s not about that,” I cut in. He leaned back, waiting. “But I have to say it. I can’t stop saying it. You didn’t deserve any of it, Atty.”
He gave a tight nod. His hand still held the bottle, and I reached for it before I could second-guess myself. He didn’t pull away—just wove his fingers through mine. It gave me the courage to keep going.
“Second thing is…there’s no ‘him’.”
His grip tightened.
“I did those things. I was an asshole. I hurt you. I left.”
His eyes were starting to look red-rimmed, and it tore through me to see it.
“I’m a recovering addict,” I said, “and I think it’s important that both you and I stay aware of that fact.”
“I’m aware.”
“You want to know it’s not going to happen again?
Me too. But the truth is, I don’t know if I can promise that.
What I can say is I’ve been working on it every single day for the past two years.
Trying to figure out why I react the way I do, trying to catch the thought before it becomes an action.
Does it always work? No. But practice helps.
I wish I could promise I’ll never cause you that sort of pain again.
And trust me, I have no intention of doing it—but I don’t know if I can say that for sure.
I can promise that I’ll keep working on it for the rest of my life so I don’t slip up.
“I don’t want to fight. I don’t want to be an asshole. And I definitely don’t want to aim that anger at anyone—especially not the one person who doesn’t deserve it.”
Atty’s eyes held mine. Unreadable. Then they dropped to his lap.
I waited.
“Do you think if I told you, in the moment, that you were doing it again—you’d listen? You’d stop before it turned into a fight?” he finally asked.
A flicker of hope lit up in my chest. “Yeah. I can do that.”
“Maybe we could have a code word,” he said. “And if I said it, you’d have to stop and think before going any further. Would that help the rewiring?”
I nodded. “That could work, yeah.”
“Okay, so we’ll do that. I’ll say…” He glanced toward the kitchen. “Zucchini. And you’ll stop.”
My lips twitched. “Zucchini?”
He rolled his eyes, but a small smile tugged at the corners of his mouth. “Yeah. Or ‘timeout,’ if you’d rather be obvious.”
“No, I like it.” I tugged gently on his hand, and he shifted a little closer. “I think the ridiculousness helps. Might even lighten the mood.”
In one fluid motion, Atty reached for my neck and rested his forehead on mine. I leaned into him, closing the space between us.
“Don’t be scared of having these talks with me.”
I nodded, threading my fingers into his hair, grounding myself. “I won’t.”
“If this is going to work, we’ve got to put in the work, Noah. That means a lot of uncomfortable conversations.”
He was right. So fucking right.
“I’ll have ’em. All of them. You can even throw another phallic vegetable at me when you feel me shutting down.”
His laugh echoed through the room, chasing the heaviness away. God, that sound. It was everything. Hard-earned, just like his smile. Worth every second of the work.
I brushed my nose against his. “Can I tell you how much I love you?”
His laughter faded, but the smile stayed. He nodded.
“I love you, Atty. So fucking much. I’ll put in all the work—whatever it takes not to lose you again.”
He leaned forward and kissed me, and just like that, the world steadied beneath my feet.
“Do you mind if I take my time saying it back?” His lips brushed my cheek. “You know I do. I just… I need a little time.”
“Take all the time you need. We’ve got time.”
He kissed me again, lingering this time. My thoughts blurred like they always did when he touched me.
“Do you mind if we stay here instead of going out? I’m really tired. And I don’t want you to go yet.”
“Yeah.” I pressed another kiss to his mouth before pulling back. “I’ll order something. We can watch a movie.”
His whole face lit up. “Sure. Just get enough for Ezra. He’ll be back in, like, an hour,” he added, checking his watch.
We curled up on the couch, his arm slung over my shoulders, movie playing while we waited for Ezra and the food. When they both arrived, we ate, and for the first time in a long time, everything felt…okay.
Being with Atty never stopped feeling good.
It was partly this—the normalcy, the ease.
No one was drunk. No one was mad or high.
From the very first time I’d hung out with him, I’d craved this.
He made me believe I didn’t have to choose between being alone or being wrecked.
That maybe, just maybe, this kind of life could be mine too.
We picked another movie, and I nestled into him, soaking in the closeness of being allowed to have this again. I had no clue what it was about—I was asleep before I could find out.