Chapter 9 #2
“Got here early. Thought I’d surprise you,” he said.
I stepped into him, and his fingers hooked under my chin, pulling me in for a quick kiss. Only then did I realize how emotionally drained I was. All I wanted was to curl up close to him and never let go.
Surrendering to the impulse, I wrapped my arms around his waist and hugged him tightly—just for a second. “It’s a nice surprise.”
“Long day?” His arm dropped over my shoulders, and he kissed my temple.
I hummed in response.
“Hey, Att!” Mathew called from somewhere behind us.
Annoyance sparked under my skin. Whatever. Atty was wrapped around me right now.
“Hey…” Atty’s voice dimmed.
I stepped back to look at his face. His lips were pressed in a thin line. He was trying to smile, but everything about him was tense. What the hell?
“Did you come to get Noah? You guys are so sweet,” Mathew said, that oblivious grin still plastered on his face. This guy couldn’t read the fucking room to save his life.
“Yeah. How’ve you been?” Atty asked.
“Good,” Mathew replied.
I shifted closer again and slid my hand into his, lacing our fingers together. Atty’s grip tightened. Okay. He wanted out.
“Hey, I need to stop by the store before it closes. Have to grab something,” I said, giving his hand a tug.
“Sure,” Atty replied. Then, to Mathew, “See you around.”
Mathew gave us a lazy wave and strolled off while I steered Atty the other way.
“What store is it?” he asked.
I smiled, tightening my grip on his hand. I checked that Mathew was out of earshot before saying, “I don’t actually have anywhere to be. You just looked uncomfortable.”
A sad little smile pulled at his lips. “I forgot how good you were at that.”
“At what?”
“Reading me.”
He was quieter than usual the entire ride to his place. I tried to spark conversation but only got little hums in return. When we reached his apartment, I wasn’t even sure if I was supposed to follow him in, but he gave a small nod toward the door, silently asking me to come along.
Something was bothering him. And strangely, it wasn’t about me this time. That alone caught me off guard. Atty never talked much about what went on inside his head. He was the kind of guy you could count on, but when it came to his own life? Total lockbox.
I used to appreciate that. It meant I didn’t have to share either. But right now, the weight he was carrying was palpable. He was holding something in, and I knew how hard that could be.
Atty wandered into the kitchen, walking in circles. Avoiding.
Once again, I was confronted with my incredibly bad boyfriend behavior—not just because he didn’t feel like he could talk to me, but because I had never asked him to.
So how did I do it? How could I help?
An idea flickered in the back of my mind.
“Atty,” I called.
His blue eyes lifted to meet mine.
I held out my hand. “Come here a sec.”
He glanced at it, then slowly crossed over to take it. “What is it?”
I pulled him into his room and kicked off my shoes. “Take yours off,” I said when I noticed him still standing there, staring.
He hesitated but did as I asked—cautiously, like he wasn’t sure what I was doing.
“Do you have a flashlight?”
“A what?”
“Flashlight. You know, stick that lights up?” I teased.
He shrugged. “I have my phone.”
I walked over and drew the blackout shade down. “Get on the bed. Under the covers.”
“Noah…”
I yanked the comforter back when he didn’t move. “I’m not proposing anything untoward. I only asked you to take off your shoes,” I said, mock-offended.
One brow lifted, but his lips twitched.
I tilted my head, coaxing. “Trust me.” The words escaped before I could think about what they meant. My chest tightened. That was a big fucking ask coming from me.
He bit the inside of his cheek, then finally kicked off his shoes and climbed onto the bed.
I let out a breath and joined him, pulling the covers over our heads. “Turn on the light,” I said.
Atty reached for his phone. A soft glow filled the space. We lay on our sides, facing each other, not touching.
“So now what?” he asked, the deep rumble of his voice vibrating in my chest in our enclosed space. The scent of his cologne—or maybe his body wash—lingered around us.
“Do you hear that?”
His eyes flicked around us as if searching for the sound, and I bit my lip to keep from smiling at how cute he was.
“What?”
“It’s the sound of the whole world melting around us,” I whispered.
His eyes caught mine, his gaze as intense as ever.
“Every single thing out there just vanished, and right now, right here, under your duvet, it’s just you and me. The last two people on Earth.”
Atty shifted in his spot, but it wasn’t apprehension—his body was trying to loosen up, to relax into what I was saying.
“Nothing you say here has to follow us out there. It’s not even really me in here with you. It’s not the Noah you’re…” I paused, taking a breath. “Dating. It’s not your shitty ex. I can just be a friend. Friendly neighborhood Noah, at your service.”
His brows drew together. “But—”
I shook my head, rustling the sheets. “This is your safe space, Atty.”
He exhaled slowly, chest rising and falling as he made up his mind. Then he gave a small, hesitant nod.
“What’s on your mind?” I asked. His eyes dropped away. “Why are you upset?”
“I appreciate this, Noah. I do. But you don’t want to talk about this,” he said, too fast.
“I’m not planning on talking. I just want to listen—maybe help you feel better.”
“It’s nothing.”
“Atty,” I said gently, and his eyes flicked back to mine. “I’m the king of saying ‘nothing’ when everything’s falling apart. If you’re afraid of hurting me, don’t be. I’m here as your friend. Remember?”
He was quiet. I let the silence settle, gave him space to decide if he wanted to let me in. A part of me wondered if I’d overstepped, if I’d already damaged things too much for him to trust me—especially with something this vulnerable.
He let out a rough sigh. “It was seeing Mathew.”
I held my breath and nodded, silently encouraging him to go on.
“You know we…” He shrugged. “You know. I just feel worse every time I see him. And then I can’t stop thinking about it.”
“Why?”
Another huff, this one edged with frustration. “Because I didn’t want to. And I still did. And now I feel like I used him.” His mouth twisted into a frown.
I opened my mouth to respond, then closed it again. I waited.
“And I know it’s stupid. Colin sleeps with someone new every other weekend. But I can’t shake this feeling. And I hate that I still feel this way.”
“What way?”
“Like he knows something about me I didn’t want him to.”
Oh. That I understood.
“Like he has a piece of you, and you want it back?” I asked softly.
His eyes flicked up, slowly finding mine. Then he nodded. “Is it weird? I know sex can just be sex for some people, but I don’t think it is for me. It feels like something’s crawling under my skin, and I can’t wash it off.”
I reached out, lightly brushing my fingertips across his brow, trying to ease the tension in his face. “You’re allowed to feel however you feel about it. It’s not weird. That feeling sucks—I get it.”
He stared at me, both apprehension and relief written across his face. “Really?”
I nodded, hesitated, then followed my own advice.
If this was his safe space, it could be mine too.
“After my dad died, I wanted to self-destruct. One of my weapons of choice was sex,” I admitted.
“Sometimes I was so drunk I couldn’t even remember what had happened the day before—or who the person next to me was. ”
I took another slow breath, letting the smell of him settle me. “There was one guy in particular. I let him use me more than once. A lot more than once, actually. And every time it happened, I felt like I lost a little bit of myself.”
I reached for my medallion, running it through my fingers. “I get the skin-crawling thing. I used to wish I could scrub it all away too.”
I braced myself for pity—I was used to it. But when I looked up, all I saw in his expression was quiet sympathy.
“Did it ever go away?”
A small smile tugged at my lips. “Yeah. Time helps. It fades. It’s not completely gone, but it doesn’t sit on me the way it used to. It’s not as loud as what you’re feeling right now.”
He reached for my hand, his grip firm.
I let my necklace fall from my fingers as I slid my hand behind his neck, brushing the soft hair at his nape. “You know what really helped?”
He shifted closer, tucking our hands against his chest like he was anchoring himself there.
“You did,” I said.
“Really?”
“Yeah. Because it was always love with us. That kind of sex didn’t hurt—it healed.”
His stony expression softened at that. “Can I ask you something?”
“We’re the only two people left in the world, remember? If not me, who are you gonna ask?”
Atty chuckled under his breath. His gaze danced between my eyes, uncertain but curious. “Did you date anyone after we broke up?”
I let out a slow exhale. So, we were doing this now. “I went out with a girl a couple times last semester—after that talk we had at your place.”
He waited for a beat. “And that’s it?”
“That’s it.” I laughed lightly at the look on his face. “After I left, my life was basically hospitals, rehab, and therapy. And honestly, there was no getting over you. Not for me.”
“You’re not just saying that?”
“No, Atty. I’m not.” I met his eyes. “You know how much I love you. The only reason I stayed away was so I could get better—for both of us. To give us a real shot. You’re the love of my life.
” I gave the back of his neck a gentle rake, my fingers sliding through the strands there.
“Even if I’m not yours, you’ll always be mine. ”
We stared at each other. The silence between us wasn’t awkward—it was comforting. Just being with him made everything feel lighter.
“This helped,” he whispered after a while.
That brought a slow, full smile to my face. My chest swelled with something close to hope. “Yeah?”
He nodded. “Being with you helps me too.” His eyes lingered on mine, then drifted lower. “Can you go back to being my Noah?”
Well, that just fucking killed me.
I nodded quickly, and he folded himself into me. His arms wrapped around me tightly, holding me to his chest like he couldn’t bear the thought of letting go.
His forehead rested against mine. “Thank you.”
I ran my hand over his back and watched, riveted, as he closed his eyes and shivered at the touch.
It struck me then that Atty had always taken this role—the protector, the caretaker.
Even though he’d been so young when we’d started dating, he’d stepped into it seamlessly.
And I never had, because I’d wanted to feel that protection from him.
It was what had hooked me in the first place.
But who took care of him?
“I’m here for you. Whenever you need me, Atty.”
A tiny crease appeared between his brows. “Always?”
“Always. I promise.”
He nuzzled in, tucking his face into the curve of my neck. His lips found the familiar nook, the one that belonged only to him, and kissed the skin there. I felt the faintest tug on my neck and smiled, knowing he was toying with the medallion I always wore.
“If you’re feeling up to it,” I murmured, “I actually came up with a date idea I think you’re going to like.”
“Yeah? What is it?” His breath warmed my skin.
“I found this old arcade. It’s eighties-themed, and they’ve got all the best games,” I said, the excitement slipping into my voice.
He pulled back slightly to look at me, his perfect Atty smile lighting up his face. “That actually sounds amazing.”
I chuckled. “You wanna go?”
“Yeah, let’s go.” He leaned in to press a soft kiss to my lips. Then he snuggled right back into his spot. “Just ten more minutes.”
I smiled to myself and held him a little tighter. My heart was doing that thing again—squeezing so tightly it almost hurt. But it wasn’t pain. It was just trying to make more room for the ridiculous, aching amount of love I had for him.
Samuel was right. We weren’t the same anymore.
But somehow, he was my Atty again.