Chapter 20
CHAPTER
TWENTY
BEFORE
I sat on the edge of his bed. It was already close to noon. We’d gone to sleep with the sun high, after he’d had his fill of me. I hated staying over, but it was better than going home.
“You heading out?” River asked, stepping out of the bathroom. A cloud of steam followed him, thickening the stale air.
“Yeah, I wanted to shower first.”
Normally, I didn’t bother. I preferred getting out of there as fast as possible. But today, I had to stop by the house. I’d avoided it last night when my plane landed, but I was out of excuses. We were supposed to have a family lunch.
Family. When she said that, my mind automatically asked, What family? Ilana was in Spain, living life. My father had been buried for two months. And she and I were barely close enough to be labeled as such.
I got in and showered quickly, changing into the same clothes I’d worn the night before, even though my bag was just outside. I didn’t love the idea of him seeing me undressed when I was this sober.
“See you later,” I said as I stepped out and grabbed my stuff.
“Are you coming to the party tonight?”
I raised a brow, turning to face him. “Which one?”
He was already dressed, sitting by the coffee table, pouring himself a drink. “Your friend James’s. At the marina. Let me know if you’re coming.”
“Why?”
“Because there’s a guy I’m meeting, and I don’t want you in the way.” He didn’t even bother looking up.
Fuck you.
We weren’t anything to each other. Hell, I didn’t want him to be anything to me—except my Seattle supplier and an easy lay. But lately, he’d taken to saying things like that, like he needed to make sure I didn’t catch feelings. He was such a self-centered asshole. This was the last fucking time.
“Couldn’t care less.”
His cold laugh bounced off the walls. “Don’t get touchy, hotshot. We can fuck again tomorrow. If I’m not busy.”
I made my way to the door, intent on getting the hell out of there. “I’ve got plans.”
He cleared his throat behind me.
I turned. He was holding up a small baggie, that familiar smirk plastered across his face. How had I ever found him attractive? In the daylight, he looked like a fucking monster.
“Aren’t you forgetting something?”
Bile rose in my throat. “You know what? Keep it. I can get my own,” I said, and slammed the door behind me.
I already had his dealer’s number. I’d sent it to myself weeks ago when River asked me to text the guy for him. I even introduced myself, made sure it stuck. I didn’t need him.
My phone buzzed in my pocket as I walked toward the elevator. Holly’s name lit up on the screen.
Holly
are you at home?
Me
River’s
Three little dots appeared, but nothing came through. She was probably mid-eye-roll, crafting her response. She hated his guts.
Holly
again Noah?
when are you going to stop seeing that guy?
he’s a fucking asshole
Me
I’m aware
Holly
so?
I stepped out onto the sidewalk and inhaled deeply. Even the city exhaust smelled better than that apartment.
Me
I know he’s an asshole
I don’t expect anything from him
Holly
are you serious right now?
Me
as stage three cancer
Holly
that’s not funny Noah
I clicked my tongue. Whatever. I slid my phone back into my pocket, ignoring the steady vibration of her replies, and waved a taxi over to take me to the house.
When I got there, it didn’t look the same as it had a month ago. It felt smaller. Colder.
My phone buzzed again.
Holly
I’m worried about you
things have been getting out of hand
when was the last time you didn’t go out?
didn’t have a drink?
I can catch a plane tonight
do you want to get out of there?
we could drive down to Portland
get donuts?
Message after message. My heart clenched.
Me:
I’ll see you in LA
thanks for the offer but you don’t need to come over
I’ll be out of here in no time
Her name flashed on my screen. A call.
I didn’t pick up.
Holly
Noah please?
let me help
I know you’re doing it a lot more
coke
I don’t want you to get hurt
please answer your phone
My eyes prickled. Her name flashed. I declined it and typed again.
Me
I’m fine Hols
everything is under control
Holly
don’t go see him again
come back home
let’s have a night in
movies, that bougie pistachio ice cream you like
the works
I’ll even watch the Molly Ringwald ones
no complaining
I shook my head at the screen, rubbing a hand over my nose and sniffling.
Me
I’ll think about it
I pocketed it once more and ignored the ache in my chest.
The door swung open into the lobby, and immediately, something felt off.
It wasn’t empty, but it may as well have been.
A few boxes were stacked neatly against one wall, but the rug was gone.
The paintings. The entrance table. The lights.
It was bare. Sterile. Like someone had scrubbed away the past.
“Mom?” I called, stepping inside. The click of the door echoed behind me through the hollow space.
“In here, muneco!” she called back, far too cheerfully.
I followed her voice through the vacant hall and into the living room.
The couches were gone. So was the coffee table.
She stood in the middle of the room, perfectly put together—makeup and nails done, long dark-brown hair cascading down her back, heels in place like she’d just stepped out of a magazine ad.
“What the hell?” I asked quietly, eyes darting around the gutted space.
“Noah! What do you mean?” she said, walking over to kiss my cheek. “I told you the move was tomorrow. I’ve sent you a dozen messages.”
Messages I’d ignored. On purpose.
I hadn’t really been awake the past few weeks. Months, maybe. Not since he left. Not since the funeral.
I couldn’t remember the last time I’d been this sober—and even then, I’d taken a couple bumps before leaving River’s apartment.
“Moving where?”
“I got a penthouse in Belltown. I sent you pictures! The decorator said it’ll be ready tomorrow. We’re staying at the Four Seasons tonight.”
Belltown. The priciest, most glass-and-steel part of the city. My stomach dropped, heavy and hollow.
“Are all our things there already?”
“No, don’t be silly. We needed a fresh start. I gave everything away—the whole apartment is new!” she said, practically glowing with excitement.
A chill crept up my spine. “What did you give away?”
“Everything.”
I stepped out of the room—slow at first, then faster—as I passed each doorway and saw the absence staring back at me. Ilana’s room: empty. The office: cleared out. My room: gone. I broke into a run down the hall until I reached my parents’ bedroom—and stopped cold.
Empty.
There used to be books in here. Records. His guitars—the ones he used to play, the ones he collected. All of it, gone.
“Where are his things?” My voice cracked.
“I told you, Noah. We’re starting fresh—”
“What did you do with his things?” I demanded, louder now.
“Noah…” There was a warning note in her voice.
I shoved past her and yanked open the closet. Empty.
“His clothes?”
“We didn’t need to keep those,” she said airily.
I closed my eyes and took a deep breath, but all I could smell was her overpowering floral perfume. No hint of him. There was no trace of him anywhere.
I stormed past her again.
“Noah!”
I didn’t stop until I reached the office. My stomach twisted at the sight of the blank walls and empty shelves. No desk. No stereo. No old-man cologne lingering in the air.
I dropped to my knees in front of the built-in shelves and flung open the panel hiding the safe. My fingers shook as I punched in the code. Relief surged through my chest when the door clicked open.
It was still there.
The little black box.
I opened it, breath catching as I ran a trembling finger over the worn edge of the medallion.
One thing. I still had one thing.
She couldn’t erase you. Not really.
I fastened the chain around my neck, closed my eyes, and pressed the medallion to my lips.
I miss you, Dad. So fucking much.
“I also needed you to open that. Can you hand me the papers?”
It was the tone in her voice that did it. Like nothing had happened.
She was standing right behind me. I knew she could see what I was doing. I knew if she looked close enough, she could see the tear trickling down my cheek.
But she didn’t give a fuck, did she?
She hadn’t cared when she threw everything away without a second thought. No pause to consider what it might mean to me—how much it might hurt.
I stared at the papers. The deeds. The checks.
That’s mine.
Actually, it’s all mine.
I had stepped away from everything he asked me to do. I didn’t answer the lawyers or his accountants or anybody else. I left her in charge of everything—and this is what happened.
My dad’s words came to me then, You have to make the decisions. You have to protect her from herself.
Fuck that.
She doesn’t give a shit about me.
But this is mine. And I’ll be damned if I have to give a shit about her.
I stood slowly, my hands trembling at my sides as I faced her. “I’m canceling your credit cards.”
She blinked. “What?”
“I’m canceling your credit cards,” I said again. “I’ll have Richard set up a monthly allowance to your account. You can keep the debit card and pay for things with that. Anything else you want to get goes through me.”
“Noah, I’m your mother. Whatever your dad said you could do—”
“It’s awfully convenient that you’re my mother now,” I said, cutting her off.
She planted her hands on her hips. “What’s that supposed—”
“It means I’m in charge. He left everything to me, not you. You don’t get to buy a penthouse and spend millions refurbishing it, tossing our entire lives out because you feel like it. You don’t get to erase him.”
“I’m not erasing him. We have to move on. Your father died, and I know you’re upset, but—”
“Upset?” My voice broke through hers, louder now, harsher. “You think I’m just upset that my dad died? That’s what you think this is?”