Chapter 21 #3
And just like that, the rage that had been building inside me began to deflate. But underneath it, something worse stirred. Shame. Embarrassment. That sticky, familiar twist deep in my gut that made me want to disappear.
I held his eyes, praying he could read mine. Still, I mouthed, Get me out, before he looked away. His hand dropped to my thigh and gave a comforting squeeze.
“That explains the flavor,” he said smoothly.
I loved him.
“You know what? I’m not feeling so great. Maybe they didn’t actually agree with me,” he added quickly. “We might have to leave early.”
I really fucking loved him.
He laced our fingers together, calmly folded his napkin, and set it on the table.
“Now? We were going to have a toast and cake,” my mom said, blinking, clearly confused—but not angry. Not yet. Just off-balance enough to miss the moment she usually would’ve sunk her teeth in.
“You bought cake?” Ilana asked, baffled.
“We’re celebrating,” my mom said, like we hadn’t all been roped into this dinner because my dad was about to have been dead for four fucking years.
I shoved my chair back, the legs screeching against the floor. “Atty’s not feeling well, Mom. We’ll see you all tomorrow at the Mass.”
I circled the table fast, muttering a goodbye as my mom pulled me into a quick half-hug I kept as short as possible. I didn’t look at anyone else. I’d text Ilana later and apologize. Right now, I just needed to get the fuck out of there.
In the car, the air got thicker instead of clearing, a pressure building that I recognized too well. This night had been a mistake. All of it. Too much, too fast. I didn’t know how to handle it.
Like you’ve ever known how to handle shit.
I pressed my knuckles to my mouth and braced.
“You know I didn’t say it because of you, right?” Atty’s voice was low.
I didn’t turn to look at him. The pressure against my mouth only grew.
“That wasn’t your fault, Noah. You did nothing wrong.”
Of course it’s your fault. It’s always your fault.
My eyes prickled. I nodded hard, still refusing words. Atty stayed quiet, holding my other hand, his thumb brushing steady circles over mine.
Even with his gentle words of reassurance, my emotions sloshed around, spilling over the rim every time a wave hit harder than the last. My hands trembled. The guilt had risen high in my throat, thick and choking. I couldn’t breathe right. Couldn’t catch my footing.
You ruined the whole night over a little thing. Everything always has to be about you. The Noah Show.
We got to the hotel and took the elevator in silence. The door clicked shut behind us.
You suck the air out of every room you’re in.
“I’m going to the bathroom.” My voice cracked on the last word, and I clamped my jaw tight, barely holding it in. I wasn’t alone yet. I couldn’t fall apart. Not in front of him. I wasn’t supposed to still be like this. I was supposed to be strong. Supposed to be healed. Fixed.
Broken. Can’t be fixed—
“Noah—”
“I’ll just be a minute, okay?”
Before I could reach the door, his hand closed around my wrist, firm but still tender, pulling me to him. “Don’t go in there. Stay here with me.”
“Let me go, Atty. Just one minute.”
You ruin everything you touch. Just like her. You’ll end up just like her.
He cupped my face in both hands, pressing his forehead to mine. “No. I’m not going anywhere.”
What a fucking disappointment you turned out to be.
“Atty, please.” If he didn’t let me go now, it was going to break loose.
“No.”
My vision blurred. The pressure in my chest turned crushing.
I couldn’t take it. I couldn’t hold it in.
“I don’t care how many times you’ve told yourself this, but you’re not alone,” he said. “I’m here. I’m not going anywhere. I’m here for all of it. So, if you need to break, go ahead. I’ve got you. I’m not leaving. Not now, not ever. You’re not alone.”
He said it again. Over and over.
You’re not alone.
His heartbeat thudded steady against my ear, and with each repetition, something inside me cracked—breaking free from the tight grip I’d kept on it for years.
My breath hitched against his chest, fists twisting in his shirt, aching from how tightly I held on. Still, he didn’t let go.
Then it hit—the first sob, raw and violent, tearing its way out of me and shaking my entire body as I collapsed into him.
He wrapped his arms around me. “I’m here. It’s okay. I’m here.”
Another sob. And another.
I clenched my teeth and fell apart in his hold, as I finally stood inside the fucking feelings.
As I let myself feel the full intensity of it.
The sadness that had lived in my chest for so long it had become part of me.
Always tethered to her and her words. Always making me feel like my pain wasn’t worth seeing. Like it wasn’t worth anything.
“I’m here, baby. I’m not going anywhere,” he said again as we dropped slowly to our knees. He cradled me close, holding me through each ragged sob as they kept tearing their way out of me.
He’s not supposed to see this.
I don’t want him to leave.
He’s going to leave me now.
The fear sank its claws in fast, and I couldn’t stop it. If my own mother couldn’t stand me, how could he?
“I’ve got you,” he whispered into my hair.
But he wasn’t letting go. He wasn’t backing away. If anything, he held me tighter. Clung to me too. Sitting with me while my chest kept heaving, again and again, swallowed whole by heartbreak.
Why isn’t he leaving?
That thought more than anything, split me open further. I’d held on for so long, I didn’t even know how to stop. But he was still there. Not moving. Not leaving. And something in me finally gave up the fight.
His voice trembled just a little through his steady reassurance, but his grip never faltered. Not once.
It let me curl into his arms and cry.
And cry.
And cry.
Like a fucking kid, bleeding out everything he was never allowed to say. And Atty took it. Every bit of it. And I trusted him to hold me through it.
He’s staying. He’s not going to leave me.
I cried until there was nothing left. Until the sobs faded to shudders and my chest stopped aching from the force of them.
But this time, I wasn’t empty.
I was warm.
I was safe, wrapped in him.
And for the first time in my life, as the world crumbled around me—
I wasn’t alone.