Chapter 28
CHAPTER
TWENTY-EIGHT
BEFORE
Ididn’t know how to quit this fantasy. Some days, it felt like the only thing keeping me afloat. Even though I knew I was bad for him, I couldn’t stop reaching out—wanting more. But it was fine. We could be friends. And that was nice. Enough.
More than you have any right to ask for, so be fucking grateful.
Atty wasn’t the type to make the first move, so even if he was interested in me, he was likely never going to do anything about it. And that was fine by me. I just had to work on my self-restraint—which I was famously not known for—and not hit on him.
Like when I asked him to a party at my house and he actually showed up, and I couldn’t keep my hands off him. That had not been a great show of said self-restraint. But I pulled through, kissed someone else, and kept my distance.
So imagine my surprise when I was half listening to whatever Holly was rambling about, scrolling through my phone, and a text came through.
Atty Love-of-My-Life King
are you doing anything today?
I blinked at the screen. Twice.
Sure, we’d been texting—mostly volleyball talk and whatever else I could coax out of him. But never plans. Never this.
I rolled onto my back, staring.
“Are you even listening to me?” Holly called from her closet, still digging through clothes.
“No.”
A balled-up T-shirt hit me in the face. “Noah, stop being a prick and—”
“I’m kidding, I was listening. I heard everything you said about class and having to get your designs in, and about the annoying half-witch TA who wanted to screw with you but is also kinda hot.
I got all of that. But, Hols—Atticus King just asked me what I’m doing today. ” I shoved the screen in her face.
Her lips twitched. “Ugh, okay.” She tried to look serious, then rolled her eyes and dropped beside me. “You get a pass because he’s extra fine and makes you smile like a teenager. Show me.”
Me
nothing set in stone
why?
“That’s fine, right? Noncommittal?”
“Totally,” she deadpanned. “You don’t sound desperate at all.”
I poked her in the ribs. She laughed and pushed off the bed.
Atty Love-of-My-Life King
I don’t know
maybe we could do something
Holy shit.
“Is he asking me out? Is this him asking me out? Is this happening?” I got up and thrust my phone at her.
She glanced down, then grinned. “Looks like it.”
Fucking hell.
“Stop panicking and answer.”
My fingers were shaking. I rubbed my face and sniffed against the back of my hand.
Me
like what?
I still needed him to say it. He didn’t, though.
Read the message. No reply. No typing bubble.
Come on, Atticus. Do it. Do it.
I cracked first.
Me
what do you normally do?
Atty Love-of-My-Life King
play volleyball
I snorted and typed back a laugh.
Me
Atty
like apart from that and school?
Atty Love-of-My-Life King
I have a playstation in my room
that’s mostly what I do with my free time
PlayStation. In his room.
My heart dropped.
I stared at the screen, disappointment flooding in, but I swallowed it down. Hookups I got. If that’s what he wanted from me, who was I to say no? I wasn’t strong enough to resist. Honestly, I’d take whatever he was willing to give.
“So?” Holly asked, eyes bright.
“We’re meeting in his dorm,” I said with a tight smile.
Her lips turned down.
See? I knew it was a bad sign.
“And go out?”
I shook my head. “Play video games, apparently.” I chuckled. Or tried to. It came out flat.
The bed dipped as she sat down next to me. “You don’t know that it’s not just that. He seems like a shy guy. Maybe he really does mean playing video games.”
“Yeah, but you and I both know dorm hangouts are usually code for a hookup. And not a repeat thing—maybe once or twice, max. And have you seen him, Hols? He’s so far out of my league it’s not even funny.”
“He’s not out of your—”
“He’s a jock. On a scholarship. And he’s a good guy. What the fuck is someone like that supposed to do with me?”
She crossed her arms. “You should ask him out. Don’t stay in. If it turns out you’re wrong and he wants more—don’t sleep with him. You really like this guy, Noah. Don’t write it off before it even starts.”
“Hols,” I said, shrugging. “I can’t handle more rejections. I need a break.”
She didn’t look convinced. At all.
“What I could use is a very good fuck. I promise I’ll tell you everything later, okay?” I said, kissing her cheek as I made a break for the door.
“Noah—”
“Bet he’s hung. You don’t wanna miss that update. Love ya!” I winked, pulling the door shut behind me.
I paused in the hallway. Took a breath. Let the smile fall away.
This was fine.
You’re just on borrowed time, remember?
Why make anyone else carry that heartache?
Maybe it was time to stop hanging out with Holly too.
He didn’t have freckles, but there were tiny specks of brown around his pupils—almost golden when they caught the light.
His nose was straight, though slightly crooked at the bridge, like he’d once taken a hit or caught a ball to the face.
We’d been so close—close enough for me to notice that, and a million other details, before I finally came to my senses.
Because when Atty looked at me, it wasn’t with hunger.
No one—in all my twenty years—had ever looked at me like that.
Like he was waiting for something to begin. Like he couldn’t believe I was real.
And he had no idea it was all a lie.
He had no idea I was the worst person in the world for him. Somehow, I’d convinced him I was worth it. Years of practice had made me good at selling the fantasy—and he’d bought it too.
But I didn’t want to do this to him.
Not him.
He was so perfect.
I didn’t want to be the one to break him.
I didn’t even deserve the chance to try.
Of course he’d shown up to the stupid party.
Even though I’d done the right thing and had not kissed him.
Even though I’d spent weeks convincing myself to leave him alone—to stop showing up, to stop thinking about him. I had still asked him to come. And he’d said no.
He’d said no.
He’d said he wasn’t coming, and even though that had been a good thing, it had still hurt my feelings—and I’d wanted none of that. I was having people over, so I had to be Everything-Noah: happy, chatty, sexy, slutty—you name it, you got it. Turn on the show and be whatever they wanted me to be.
And then he’d fucking shown up.
I’d been so wasted I hadn’t even recognized him at first.
All I’d caught was the echo of someone calling his name, and then those eyes—those perfect blue eyes—had been staring straight at me.
I’d wanted him. God, I’d wanted him. All I had been able to think about was getting close again. Seeing that look in his eyes, just one more time. I’d have given him everything. He could’ve taken me, wrecked me, left me in pieces. I wouldn’t have cared.
When morning came, it brought with it the crashing realization that I had all but thrown myself at him—and he’d said no. He’d run away because he’d finally caught a glimpse of it. Of me.
And it had sent him running for the hills.
And that was it.
I should’ve fucking let it go—let him go—but the impulse to shoot back those fucking pills and never wake up was so overwhelming, so all-consuming, that I held on.
And called.
And called.
And called.
Until he finally picked up.
“Hey,” I breathed, relief spilling into the silence.
“Hey.” His voice came through, low. Disappointed. I’d never heard it like that before.
You fucked up. What were you expecting? Just leave this poor guy alone. Walk away before you bring him down with you. You actually think you deserve him? Or anybody?
I shook my head. “Atty, I’m so sorry about last night.”
He didn’t say anything. My heart clenched painfully in my chest.
Please don’t give up on me. Not yet. Please.
“I’m so sorry. I don’t know what I was thinking. I’m sorry.”
“You know… It’s probably not my place to say anything about this,” he said. “But it really hurt seeing you like that.”
My stomach dropped. “I know it got a little out of hand—”
“I’m guessing it usually gets a little out of hand,” he interrupted.
He knew. He fucking knew. How could I have been so fucking stupid?
“I shouldn’t have said what I did to you. I’m sorry about that.” I shook my head. No, that wasn’t right. That didn’t come out right.
“Consider it forgotten.” His voice could’ve been made of ice.
He was right. I knew he was. I was the one screwing up, just like I always did. And now he knew it.
I took a deep breath. “Are you mad at me?”
“I don’t get you, Noah,” he said quietly. “You’re so fucking confusing.”
Fuck.
“I know, I’m sorry. I know.” It was done. I was already hurting him. I thought I was being good this time. Not too much. Not suffocating.
“Do you want to be my friend? Is that what you want?”
No.
That’s not what I want.
I want everything. I want to be yours. I want you to fucking save me.
“Yeah, I do,” I lied, biting down on my cheek to keep the tears at bay.
“Then I need you to stop pulling shit like this.”
That didn’t sound like he was telling me to fuck off. Hope bloomed in my chest faster than I could wrap my head around it.
“I promise I won’t do it again.” And I meant it. I’d be good this time. I’d keep my boundaries, smother the fantasies.
“I’m not talking about what you said to me, Noah. I’m talking about how you treat yourself.”
That made me stop. I reached into my pocket and pulled out the little baggie. It was almost empty.
But that wasn’t the real problem. He just wasn’t used to parties. He didn’t get it. Plus, there were so many things he could be talking about.
“Atty, it’s not that simple.”
“Yes, it is. It’s not like you’re drinking like a normal person or just trying drugs out.
You do it really aggressively, and it’s hard to watch.
If you want us to be friends—” He paused, my heart catching in my throat.
“I can’t be your friend if this is what goes on with your life when you disappear. ”
What he doesn’t see. That’s what he means.
He wants me to be the person I am when I’m with him.
He doesn’t know that this isn’t just for parties.
I stared down at my hand.
But I can quit.
I don’t need the parties. They’re just there to drown out the noise. And he’s so much better at it.
When I’m with him, I feel…
I feel when I’m with him. It doesn’t feel like I’m dead inside. Or like my soul is rotting away. I want to stand with him, in the light. I’m so fucking done with this darkness. It’s eating me alive.
“Okay,” I said. If he wanted me to give everything else up, I would. For him.
“Really?” Surprise laced his voice.
I chuckled, my chest swelling. “Okay, yeah. I’ll stop. No more parties at mine.”
“That’s good. I’m glad to hear that.” He exhaled, and I could almost picture the smile on his face. He was so good. He was everything I’d ever wanted.
“So, can we forget about it? About all of it?” I ignored the pang in my chest. Accepting this friendship was all I could ever ask of him.
“Yeah. We can forget about all of it.”
The laugh that escaped me was pure relief, followed by a stream of tears I couldn’t stop.
“Yeah? Are you going to have me at yours to play your stupid video games?”
Please save me.
“Whenever you want, Noah.”
Please.
“That’s good to hear.” I swallowed down my emotions with practiced ease. “Very good to hear.”