20
Nick was drunk.
I wasn’t sure how it happened. Sure, I’d seen him with beer cans and Corona bottles, but I hadn’t been counting. Now the sky was black and starless, and the party was loud, and there was a pile of crushed cans next to the recycling bin.
Grady’s girlfriend—ruler-straight hair, eyelash extensions—had arrived and was now sitting in his lap. Alex and Chris were in a shouting match about the football, Luke was egging them on, and Nick was laughing, swaying slightly.
He was very smiley when drunk.
He caught my eye and leaned over his chair’s armrest.
“Sure you don’t want one?” he murmured, lips close enough to my ear that I shivered.
I drew away and shook my head. “I’m okay. Thanks.”
He tilted his head.
“I can’t get drunk in front of your family,” I explained. “I have to make a good impression. I want them to like me.”
“Why wouldn’t they? You’re so sweet and clever and hot,” Nick said.
I stared. He stared back.
“I’ve never heard you be so nice to me.”
I thought he’d laugh. Instead, his face shuttered. “I’m such an asshole,” he said, voice slightly slurred. “I’m such an asshole to you.”
“I’m kidding,” I said quickly. “You say nice things all the time.” Even if his compliments were burrowed under mutters and scowls and rolled eyes.
Nick appeared to barely hear me. “I wish I could go back in time and do it all over again. I shoulda been nice to you from the very first time we met. And that first time in your bedroom. And that time at the restaurant. I shoulda… mm…” His eyes fluttered shut.
I reached out to ease the beer can from his fingers. “Maybe you’ve had too much to drink,” I said gently.
He nodded regally, which was impressive considering how much alcohol was flowing through his system. Composed movements, messy speech.
“Let’s go home,” he murmured. “I wanna—” he cut himself off, looking shy.
I smothered a smile. “I thought you said not to be obvious.”
Nick leaned forward, nose clumsily bumping my temple as he whispered in my ear. “I’m horny,” he said, then pulled away to look at me with bright, big eyes.
I couldn’t help chuckling. He really was adorable.
“We can go home,” I said. “Just drink some water first, okay?”
I said goodbye to the cousins, who waved a hand before immediately returning to their conversation. Nick stumbled slightly as I led him to the kitchen, where I fixed him a glass of tap water. He gulped it all down in a few seconds, then wrapped his arms around me, resting his head on my shoulder.
“Let’s go home,” he whispered.
I knew the polite thing was to say goodbye, but I had no idea where Yiayia was, and I was worried about Nick’s ability to stand up for prolonged periods of time. I organised an Uber, and when it arrived, I led Nick out of the house onto the street, my hand around his waist.
Once in the back of the car, Nick fell asleep almost immediately, his head resting on my shoulder, exhaling whistling breaths.
When we arrived at my building, I gently shook him awake and took him into the lobby and up the elevator to my apartment. Elena was watching a movie on the TV, a packet of cookies on her lap, and was mid-chew when we walked in.
“Hello Elena,” Nick said, voice unnecessarily loud. “Sorry for the intrusion.” He let out a little laugh.
Elena looked at me. “Is he drunk?”
Nick bristled. “I’m right here.”
“He had a little bit to drink,” I said. “I don’t know just how inebriated he is, but I thought it’d be better for him to stay with me tonight. We’ll be in my room.”
In my bedroom, Nick fell onto the bed with a grunt. I left him for the kitchen, where I filled up a big bottle with water. When I returned, Nick was rubbing his face in my blankets.
Was his face itchy? Maybe the lawn at Yiayia’s had irritated him. It was hay fever season, after all.
He noticed me after a moment and blinked slowly as he gave me a goofy smile. “Smells like you.”
I managed not to melt. “Drink up,” I said, handing him the bottle of water.
He chugged it all in fifteen seconds then wiped his mouth. “What now?”
“Do you think you can manage a shower?”
“Can’t be bothered.”
I didn’t argue. It’d probably be better for him to wash in the morning when he had all of his faculties.
“I’ll have a shower then.”
He grabbed my arm. “Don’t go.”
“I won’t be long,” I told him.
He tugged me down, and I landed on the bed beside him with a gasp.
“Listen, Nick,” I said, trying to pry his fingers off me. “I know I must be smelly.”
“You don’t smell at all.”
“That’s impossible—”
“Fine, you have a smell, but it’s not bad. I like the way you smell.” He peered up at me through his thick lashes, and I couldn’t find the energy to pull myself out of his grasp. Also, it felt morally wrong to grapple with an intoxicated person.
So I let Nick wriggle around me.
“At the very least, let’s take our day clothes off,” I said. Jeans were uncomfortable to lie in.
He sat up and peeled his clothes off until he was in his underwear. I did the same, intending to change into my striped pyjamas, but Nick stopped me from leaving the bed. “Let’s sleep like this,” he said and slung a leg over my thigh, preventing me from leaving.
“You’re funny when you’re drunk,” I commented, unable to fight a smile.
“Alcohol lowers your inhibitions.” He sounded like he was reciting it from somewhere.
“So this is how you would act if you could?”
“I like you, Hayden,” he whispered, and my breath caught. Then he said, “Let’s have sex.”
Oh. Right. He meant it that way.
“Maybe in the morning,” I said.
He pouted, sticking out his bottom lip. “Why not?”
“Because you had a lot to drink,” I pointed out.
“I didn’t,” he lied.
I gently extricated myself from him and got up.
“Where are you going?” His voice was a mix of demanding and panicked.
“Just turning the lights off,” I said. I flipped the switch then made my way back to bed, my vision adjusting to the darkness.
Nick curled around me again. “Hayden?” he whispered.
“Yes?”
“I want to have anal sex. I know, I know, maybe in the morning.”
“Why anal?” I asked. “Don’t you remember how it went last time?”
“That’s because I didn’t try hard enough,” he said. “I can do it this time, though.”
“Nick. It really doesn’t matter.”
“It does,” he insisted. “I want to do it for you, Hayden. I…” he trailed off, then buried his head in my shoulder. “I won’t mess it up this time.” His voice was muffled.
“It’s okay,” I said.
“It isn’t,” he replied, sounding almost petulant.
“I’m surprised you care this much about it,” I said in an attempt to lighten the mood.
“I care. I care about everything. Pretend I don’t cause that’s lame. But…” he yawned. “Think about you all the time.”
My heart stopped beating. I lay there in stunned silence, wondering if I was going to have a heart attack.
After a moment, Nick’s breathing evened out beside me. He’d fallen asleep.
“Fuck.”
I woke up to Nick returning from the ensuite and sitting heavily on the edge of my bed, rubbing his eyes. He was still in his boxer briefs, all bed hair, flawless skin, and an expression that suggested he wanted to murder something.
“What’s wrong?” I asked, pulling myself up into a sitting position.
“Nothing. Just hungover.” He scrubbed a hand over his face. “Sorry. I must’ve been such a nuisance.”
I shrugged a shoulder. “Nah. It was kind of cute, actually.”
He looked at me. “‘Cute?’” he echoed.
“Alcohol lowers your inhibitions,” I said, repeating what he’d said last night. “You were all cuddly and sweet… don’t you remember?”
He went very still. “I remember I wouldn’t let you shower.”
“No.” I smiled. “You didn’t want me to leave.”
He didn’t return my smile.
“Guess you’re bossy even when inebriated,” I said, trying to lighten the mood.
“Sorry,” he said, voice low. “I’ll let you shower now.”
I crawled over to him, letting my legs hang over the edge of the bed. “We can shower together,” I suggested. His eyes met mine, a question in them. “Mine’s big enough for us to fit.”
I thought he’d refuse. He seemed all clammed up.
“Okay,” he said.
We walked into the ensuite, and I took my clothes off without hesitation. Nick’s movements were slow and measured, but maybe it was just an after-effect of drinking last night. When you have a headache, every little movement hurts.
I turned the handle, tested the water temperature, then got into the shower. Cautiously, Nick followed in behind me. There was enough space for us to comfortably stand beside each other. Nick looked up at the ceiling, and water drizzled down his face like teardrops.
I grabbed my bottle of body wash and my loofah and soaped myself up. I offered to do the same to Nick.
“Sure,” he said, turning around, letting his head hang.
I scrubbed foamy soap all over his back. Then, in the white foam, I carved out letters with my fingertip.
Nick stiffened when he realised what I was doing. “What are you writing?” he asked. “It better not be ‘dummy’.”
“It’s not ‘dummy’,” I replied with a laugh. “I’m writing my name.” I finished the N of Hayden. Then, I added a heart under the word at the base of his spine. “That’s a love heart, by the way.”
Slowly, Nick turned around. There were droplets of water in his eyebrows and eyelashes. He reached out for the body wash, soaped up my belly, then wrote Nick.
He stared at the name. I stared at him.
Then he smeared the word out with his palm, the white foam washing away.
We got out of the shower soon after. Nick put on his clothes slowly, brow furrowed.
“Uh,” I began. “Would you like some ibuprofen? I should’ve offered earlier.”
“I’m okay, thanks.” He settled on the edge of my bed.
I sat beside him, but not too close. I sensed he wanted some distance.
“What’s up?” I asked.
He glanced at me. “Thanks for taking care of me last night,” he said. His gaze flicked away. “I know I said some weird stuff.”
“You didn’t,” I said. “Well, except for… the sex thing. Not that it was weird,” I hurried to clarify. “I just don’t understand why you want to try anal again.”
He didn’t reply.
“Not that I don’t want to,” I said, because the silence was excruciating. “I mean, I do, but only if you want to. Actually want to. Not because you feel obligated to do better or whatever.”
He looked down at his hands. “Is it okay if we don’t talk about this? I regret bringing it up last night.”
“Okay,” I said.
We sat in silence for what felt like a century. It was probably twenty seconds.
“Um,” I said. “I’m sorry if I exposed you last night.”
“Exposed me?”
“Your cousins started talking about you having a boyfriend, and… maybe I accidentally gave them that idea. Because of the way I was looking at you. In my defence, I don’t think I was looking at you like I wanted to rip your clothes off.”
“No,” he said slowly. “I don’t think you were.”
“Actually,” I said, “most of the time when I look at you, I’m not thinking about sex.”
He didn’t reply.
I swallowed. “Because actually,” I continued, “when I look at you… I think about how I’m falling in love with you.”
For a second, Nick’s face was open with feeling, and my heart raced as I tried to decipher it—
Then he shuttered, everything put away and locked up. “Really.” His voice was flat.
My ears started to ring. “Yeah,” I replied, and my voice sounded distant, even to myself.
“Since when?”
“The morning after I stayed at your place.” I was ready to elaborate, but he cut me off with another question.
“That was weeks ago. And you didn’t say anything.”
“Well, you—you said that you don’t do relationships.”
“Then why are you telling me now?”
“I thought you might’ve changed your mind.” The words spilt out, but as soon as I heard them aloud, I realised how pathetic and delusional I sounded.
Nick was staring at me.
No. Not just staring.
He was scowling.
“Why would you think I’ve changed my mind?”
“Because… because of the way you act around me—”
“Were you trying to change my mind?” he interrupted, voice louder and angrier. “Were you trying to… to persuade me?”
“I… I just thought if I was good enough, you’d like me back. For real.” My voice was small.
Nick flinched. “‘Good enough’? What’s that supposed to mean?”
“If I showed you I would be a good boyfriend—”
“So you’ve been pretending?”
“No! I just hoped that with the more time we spent together, you’d grow to have feelings for me too.”
Nick stood up. “I’m going home.”
“You’re not serious.”
“I’ve got a shift soon.”
How did he know that? He hadn’t even checked the time.
“Nick,” I said. “Come on, wait a second. You can’t just leave. We need to talk about this—”
“About what?” he asked. His face was splotchy with red and white, and if I wasn’t so angry with him, I would’ve been concerned. “I told you straight up that I’m not dating you. I’m not dating anyone. Now you tell me that you ignored everything I said and were trying to, what, manipulate me into changing my mind? Wait me out?”
“Okay, I get that you’re mad—”
“Yes, I’m mad,” he exploded. “This whole time, you’ve had an agenda.”
“I haven’t!” I insisted. “Listen, I’m sorry, Nick. I really didn’t want to make you upset. But I know you have feelings for me too.”
His face turned to stone. “Yeah? And why’s that?”
“Because… because…” I waved my hands in the air, trying to indicate what I meant. There were so many little instances, but I couldn’t think of any right now. “Because you wrote your name on me in the shower.” It was the first thing I could think of.
Nick looked at me.
Then he left.
It sort of felt like a dream. He closed the bedroom door behind him, and when I could make my legs work, I followed him out to the living room. He was already gone.
Elena wandered out of her room, holding a mug of coffee. “I heard shouting,” she said. “What happened?”