9 Lana’s Party #4
“The reason she’s mean to you, Jen. It’s not just that I ignore her when you’re around, even if that’s part of it.
It’s that…when we were together, she used to always tell me I didn’t love her enough.
She’d say she could tell from how I looked at her that I didn’t want to be with her, that I didn’t talk to her the way you talk to someone you love.
And I know she remembers that when she sees how I talk to you, how I look at you.
Because it’s exactly the way I never did with her. She doesn’t like someone beating her.”
I paused, my heart pounding, and he looked for a moment at my lips. My throat dry, I said to him, “Ross, this isn’t a race.”
He smirked. “If it was, you would have won, though.”
Those words made the walls that had been rising up between us crumble in an instant.
He reached over, touching my knees, sending an electric shock through every fiber of my body.
And then one of us—I don’t know who—took the initiative, and the next thing I knew, his lips were on top of mine.
They were cold at first from the chilly breeze, then hot like fire, and as we came closer, I could feel the warmth of his skin through his clothing.
I had never felt that. Never. Not with my first kiss. Not with Monty. Never. And that frightened me a little.
But Ross was too close for me to think. All I could do was look at him looking at me as he froze for a second before coming in for more. I was almost dizzy. I didn’t know if I could contain myself. I heard him moan, “Jen…”
I put my hands on his neck, felt the burning skin under my cool fingers, watched his lips open as I moved my hands backward and sank them into his hair. All I wanted was to make this moment last. I kissed him again.
And that was when he lost control. He grabbed the armrest and leaned in to me. Our mouths opened wider, and as he gripped my thigh under my skirt, I forgot the rest of the world existed.
I needed to kiss him more than I needed to breathe.
My heart was pounding, making my ribs rise and fall.
He slid a leg between mine and I moved forward, telling him silently to continue.
I had never needed anyone the way I needed him just then.
I tugged at his jacket and he tore it off instantly, throwing it to the floor and coming back in.
His hands… I felt as if they were holding my entire body suspended over a void.
All I needed then was to touch him, to kiss him, to have him close. Closer than I had ever felt a man’s body before.
My dress was open-backed, and he touched my spine, making every hair on my body stand up.
I moaned—no man had ever made me make that sound, and I was embarrassed—but it only stoked his desire further.
I opened my eyes for a moment as he embraced me and saw the city behind him.
I had forgotten where we were. I didn’t care if someone came out and found us.
All I cared about was that he was there with me.
And I needed him, more than I could ever admit.
His fingers were between my thighs now, caressing me, and I opened, I was inviting him into me, inviting him to close every distance. With each millimeter, my nervous system felt a charge like lightning.
Then the door flew open and the magic was gone. Ross was startled and pulled away, and I closed my legs. My panties were exposed. I pulled my dress down clumsily.
A couple had just come out for a smoke. They were laughing, drunk. When they saw us, they said sorry and left us alone again. Their giggles bounced off my eardrums as they proceeded back down the hall.
Ross was sitting on the floor now, running his hand through his hair and breathing hard. Only then did I truly realize what had happened. I had kissed Ross. Yes. I…had…kissed…Ross.
And you loved it, my brain told me.
Did not , I told myself.
Liar!
I’m not lying!
I’m your brain. I know.
I smoothed down my hair and noticed he was trying his hardest to look at anything that wasn’t me. We were equally uncomfortable. I couldn’t believe this. And I asked myself why in the hell hadn’t I resisted? Or better, why was I upset when we were interrupted?
Because you like Ross, dummy.
Ross stood and tugged at his slacks, trying to waste time before he had to look at me. When he finally did, I wasn’t sure what to make of his expression.
“Can, uh…can we go?” I asked, dragging my bag and feeling desperate.
“Yeah, uh…” He grabbed his jacket. “Let’s go.”
I got up and followed him to the door. I lagged behind him, staring at his muscular back. Why had we done what we’d just done? Would things be weird between us now? Because that was the last thing I wanted.
Halfway down the hall, he stopped and looked at me. I opened my mouth to say something, but I couldn’t. He looked at my lips, and I could feel his lips on mine again. And I wanted to repeat the experience. “What?” I asked him.
He came closer, and I almost had a heart attack.
He touched my chin, moved it upward, passed a finger beneath my lower lip.
My breathing picked up speed, but then I realized he was just cleaning a smudge of lipstick.
At least none of it had gotten on him. Because if I’d had to touch his face again, I didn’t know where it might lead.
When he was done, he left his hand there, and I grabbed his wrist. He must have been able to feel my pulse through my hand.
“Ross, I…”
That was all he needed to lean in close. Close, but not close enough to touch me.
A voice came from behind him, asking, “Are you guys ready to get out of here?” and I saw Naya and Will approaching. They were throwing on their jackets, too. Ross closed his eyes briefly in frustration, then said tensely, “Yeah, let’s do that.”
Naya and Will looked back and forth at each other.
Had they noticed something? Had they seen something in him I hadn’t?
I didn’t know, and they didn’t say. Sue ran to catch up with us, but seemed to have no idea anything was out of the ordinary as she tried to finish her beer before we reached the car.
I took the passenger seat, and as we buckled up, Ross tapped his fingers impatiently on the wheel.
He was anxious. He looked over at me, but I couldn’t interpret his expression.
All I could think about was the way he made me feel.
And I nearly forgot there was anyone else with us in the car.
I could have forgotten everything; he took up so much space in my thoughts.
I shivered as I noticed him looking at my throat.
He closed his eyes, shook his head, and looked forward, turning the radio up loud and speeding away.
The others were too drunk or too cranky to know what was happening.
Sue and Naya were bickering loudly, Will was trying in vain to make peace.
Things were no better when we got home and entered the elevator.
Don’t look at him , I told myself, but I guess I wasn’t in the mood to obey. Because he had made me feel…
Something.
I stared at the floor, I felt his eyes on me, I sensed his handsomeness, his warmth.
I tried to block everything out, but it was too hard, especially when his hand brushed mine.
So I looked up at his neck, his lips, his nose, and finally his eyes.
This relieved him, and now he touched my hand on purpose, rubbed his thumb across my wrist. I couldn’t speak, but I also couldn’t bear the heat, and I drew back gently, wondering what was happening.
I felt throbbing in parts of my body I didn’t know existed. I closed my eyes to try to calm myself, and when I opened them, Will was smiling. I saw myself in the mirrors on the walls. My face was fire red.
When the elevator door opened, I ran to the door of the apartment, opened it, and hurried inside.
Naya and Will didn’t even notice me as I stripped off my jacket.
They were kissing, stumbling over each other, giggling on their way to the bedroom.
Ross tossed his keys on the bar while Sue set down an empty bottle she’d taken with her.
“Man,” she said, “I had more to drink than I thought. I really should hit the sack and try not to puke. Good night, guys, and sweet dreams, and don’t do anything I wouldn’t.”
With her gone, it was just Ross and me. Our silence was oppressive.
He walked to his room, and I followed him, unable to control myself.
We turned our backs to each other, I on my side of the bed, he on his.
I took off my boots and nearly told him my feet hurt, but thought better of it.
Once I opened my mouth, I had no idea what I might actually say.
I went to the bathroom to brush my teeth and take off my makeup and try to relax.
But that had never been something I was good at.
My hair was sticking out in all directions, my eyes were puffy, and there was something in my stare I couldn’t identify.
I was shaking all over. I wanted to stay longer, but I was afraid he would come check on me, so I forced myself to go back to his room.
He was standing there in his pajamas looking frustrated.
“Are you OK?” I asked.
“Yeah. But listen. I can go sleep on the sofa if you like…”
“No!”
I was surprised by how loudly and quickly I’d said that, and he seemed surprised, too.
“I mean, it is your bed.”
“Jen, I don’t want you to feel uncomfortable with me.”
“I’ve never felt uncomfortable with you, Ross.”
And that was the problem. I should have felt uncomfortable. Because I barely knew him. Because I had a boyfriend. Because if something happened and it didn’t work, I’d be out on the street. And yet…