10 Not Bad #2
After he left me alone, I kept watching the TV as long as I could, but soon it started getting on my nerves, so I left for Ross’s bedroom.
Was it something I’d done? I wondered. Was he hoping I’d be asleep by the time he got back?
Had I taken things too far? I felt like an idiot.
As I put on my pajamas, I caught sight of myself in the mirror, and I wanted to beat it with my fists.
I got in bed. I’d told myself I’d wait up for him and confront the situation like an adult.
If I’d made him do something he wasn’t ready for, we could work it out.
But then I closed my eyes, and when I opened them again, the room was dark, and Ross was sitting on the bed changing pants. I said his name groggily.
“Oops, did I wake you?” he asked. “I’m sorry, I was trying not to make noise.”
“Where were you?”
“Well, I see someone’s curious. Nowhere interesting, I just had some stuff to take care of.”
“Is everything OK?”
“Yeah, don’t worry about it. Get some sleep. It’s late.”
His explanation wasn’t satisfactory, but I really was tired. I turned on my side and propped myself up on my elbow, staring again at his tattoo. He grinned.
“You want to tell me what’s behind that stare?”
“I’m sorry, Ross, but what do you expect me to do when you’re changing clothes right in front of me?”
“You got me. I’m doing it on purpose.”
I smiled as he got in bed with me and was surprised at how quickly he grabbed me and pulled me over. We were back in the same position I’d woken up in. He ran his fingers through my hair, and I closed my eyes and sighed, resting my hand on his chest.
“How’s my princess?”
For fuck’s sake… I’d told Monty a million times not to call me that. He knew I hated it. Honestly, I hated corny nicknames in general. Especially coming from him.
“I don’t know, who’s your princess?” I replied.
“Jeez, you got up in a bad mood. How’s tricks?”
Why was he so chipper? It was a Wednesday, and it felt like an eternity had passed since Lana’s party.
Things were back to normal with Ross and me.
We hadn’t said a word to anyone, and the only signs of affection we’d shown each other were the occasional nudge or friendly look.
We did still sleep together in each other’s arms, though.
As for Lana, I hadn’t seen her again. And as far as I was concerned, I’d be happy if it stayed that way.
It was late in the day, and I’d gone out to get a sweater to replace the one I’d spilled beer on the day I got high with Mike and Sue.
I was back home and was taking the steps (I’d decided it was healthier than the elevator) when the phone rang.
I wasn’t sure what to tell Monty, especially because I didn’t think he cared about my life here.
But the party seemed vaguely interesting, so I told him briefly about that.
“Party, huh?” he said. “Is that what you’re into now? Drinking? You never used to drink when you were back here. Were there guys there?”
“Of course there were guys. And girls.”
“Who’d you go with?”
“My roommates and the girl I was living with at the dorm.”
“Your guy roommates.”
“So what, Monty! Am I supposed to not drink because I didn’t used to? Am I supposed to not go to parties because there will be guys there? I’m in college. You can’t tell me I should just lock myself up in my room.”
“I mean…it’s an option.”
“You know, a lot of people start a conversation by asking how the other person is,” I said.
“OK. How are you?”
“It’s too late now. It doesn’t count.”
“Sorry. I’m being serious now. Tell me about your life, what you’ve been up to.”
I knew it was time. We had an agreement: We could do what we wanted, but we had to talk about it. But it felt so weird!
“Monty, I need to talk to you about something.”
“What? What did you do?”
“Nothing bad…” I looked at my shoes, twisting the handle of the bag my sweater was in with my free hand. Why was I so nervous? Because you liked it , my brain told me. You liked it a lot. Whatever. Shut up, brain. Come back later. I leaned against the wall in the stairwell.
“Jenna…?”
“I slept with a guy.” I didn’t say it loud, but I had no doubt he’d heard me. He paused for a few seconds that felt like decades.
“But it was just twice! Or three times! In the same night! So it only really counts as once, right…?”
“Who with?” he interrupted me.
“I thought we agreed we wouldn’t go into details.”
“I asked who you did it with, Jenna.”
I bit my lip, nervous. “His name’s Ross. I mean it’s Jack. I mean, Jack Ross, but everyone calls him Ross…”
“I don’t give a shit about his fucking name, Jenna.”
So now he was swearing. This was going to get ugly. I closed my eyes and gathered my courage. I needed to prepare myself for whatever was coming.
Monty continued, “So did you like it? Did you like doing it with Jackoff Ross or whatever his name is?”
“Monty, we shouldn’t…”
“It’s a yes-or-no question.”
“No! I mean, yeah. I mean…”
“You’ve barely had time to settle in, you’re supposed to be studying, and you’ve already spread your legs for the first guy who comes along.”
“Monty, you have no right to talk to me this way. I’d like to remind you that this was your idea.”
“Yeah, but you must have liked it because you didn’t lose any time in testing it out.”
“You’re being unfair. And don’t you dare try to convince me that you haven’t done anything. I know you. You would have never come up with this open relationship nonsense if you didn’t already have someone in mind.”
“Fine, you’re right.”
“More than once, I’ll bet,” I told him.
“Yeah, more than once.”
“And you’ve got the balls to complain about me!”
But Monty was so stupid that he legitimately seemed to believe what he had done was OK and what I’d done was wrong.
And he was obsessed with how good Ross was in bed.
I kept telling him it was none of his business, that I’d never dream of asking him what he had felt with that other girl, but it didn’t matter to him. He kept screaming, “Answer me!”
“I didn’t like it,” I told him finally.
“OK then. Fine.”
I was such a bad liar that I couldn’t believe I’d somehow gotten away with it.
But noticing that made me realize another thing: even after a short period of time, Ross knew me way better than Monty ever would.
I guess Monty had gotten a swollen head now, because he started asking me did Ross do this, did Ross do that, did I like it better when Ross did such and such or when he did it.
I reminded him: “No details. That was our deal, and we should stick to it. Anyway, I’ve got to go.
It’s dinnertime and I think Will’s cooking. ”
“Who the hell is Will?”
“He’s Naya’s boyfriend, Monty. I’m sure I told you that. Do you want to try and chill the fuck out?”
“I was just checking. What are you guys having?”
“Burgers, I think.”
“Burgers again, Jenna? I hope you’re not getting fat.”
“I go running every morning, thank you. And I’ll have you remember, when I gain weight, my boobs are the first things to grow.”
“Yeah, I’ll bet Jack Ross will love that.”
“Give it a rest, Monty. We said we weren’t going to be jealous.”
“Sure.”
“You’re still my boyfriend,” I told him.
“Cool. Well, since I’m your boyfriend, I want to ask you a favor.”
Oh no .
“What?”
“I don’t want you fucking that guy again. I know we had a deal. To hell with it.”
“I’m sorry, Monty, but you don’t get to give me orders. You’re not my boss.”
“I’m your boyfriend, though.”
“Exactly.”
“What’s with the attitude, Jenna? Is this something you picked up from your new friends? You never used to talk back to me like this. I’m telling you what I want, and you ought to respect it.”
I asked him if he’d stopped to consider that what he wanted might not be what I wanted, that what was good for him might not be good for me.
He started flipping out about how selfish I was, telling me I only ever thought about myself.
He complained that I’d never thanked him for driving me to the dorm.
When I reminded him that I had, he screamed that he didn’t give a shit.
He wanted me to stop talking to Ross, and if I didn’t, he would come to where I lived, and he promised I would regret it.
That was scary, and for a moment I fell silent.
We’d never had an argument like this before.
Jealousy was one thing, but that sounded downright stalkery.
I begged him to stop being angry with me.
He told me to stop acting like a selfish whore.
And then he threatened me: “If I find out you’ve spoken even one word to him, we’re over, understand?
You’ll be all on your own, and you better think about what that means.
And if I decide to come up there, I can promise you that you won’t like it. ”
He hung up. On the verge of panic, I walked the rest of the way up the stairs, where I found Agnes coming out of her apartment to take out the trash. She looked alarmed when she saw me.
“Dear,” she said, “Are you OK?”
“Yeah,” I said, rushing to get my head together. “Yeah, I just, uh… I think I flunked a test today.” I smiled and tried to skirt past her to get to the door, but I was still fiddling with my keys when she cleared her throat and said, “Jenna, may I ask you something?”
“Of course.” I turned around and tried to look normal.
“I spent forty years with my husband,” she began, walking toward me.
Her eyes seemed to tell me she knew exactly what was going on inside me.
“It wasn’t love; I didn’t even have a choice in the matter.
It was our parents who decided we should marry.
I never complained. I even liked him. He was so attentive at first. He took good care of me. What else can you ask for, right?”
I nodded. My hands were trembling. “He sounds nice,” I said, unsure how I was supposed to respond.