Chapter 21 #2
“Oh. Oh, you didn’t…?” Greg acted like he had been caught in an unanticipated conundrum, but I could tell he had been waiting for this moment.
“I didn’t what?”
“Well, Seth is kind of…” He paused as if choosing his words carefully, as if pretending to protect me from whatever it was he knew. “Well, you’ll see.”
“I’ll see what?” Now I was agitated, by his withholding and by the fact that I had allowed him to unnerve me. Just then, the front door swung open.
In stepped a girl named Molly, whom I had met but didn’t know well.
She was a year older than me and represented the trifecta: well-liked, smart, and pretty.
She was carrying a brown grocery bag and wearing an expensive-looking puffer coat with fur around the hood, and before I had a chance to notice anything else, I saw who was behind her: Seth.
And he wasn’t merely following her; he had his hand on her lower back, as if he was guiding her, shielding her from the elements as he eased her into the party.
He was regarding her with a look I knew well—eagerness—but I had foolishly thought that particular look was reserved for me.
“Speak of the devil.” Greg grinned. I refused to look at him, but I knew he was delighting in my reaction. And I knew everyone could see my heart shudder.
Then things got worse. When Seth finally looked over and saw me, his face froze.
This was the moment I had been anticipating for days, if not for months.
But instead of the jubilant reunion I expected, Seth seemed paralyzed.
Finally, he gave me a panicked smile, then looked at Molly, who was already heading to the kitchen to deposit their acquisitions, and then back at me.
Then he looked at the case of beer in his hand as if he had no idea what it was or what to do with it.
After a moment, he put it down and slowly closed the door behind him.
I thought I saw him take a deep breath, and then he finally turned and came toward me.
I stood up as he approached, feeling like the world’s biggest idiot. Not only was he not happy to see me, but he had a new girlfriend. I quickly took off my fishing-fly ring and thought about flinging it into the fire, but I couldn’t bear to, so I slipped it into my pocket before Seth noticed.
“Cricket.” He exhaled as he reached me, as if his emotions were coming back online after a brief power outage. He shook his head to indicate that he had a million questions he couldn’t articulate, but I knew the most pressing one was: What the hell are you doing here?
There was no way I was going to admit I was here to surprise him, that I had created an elaborate plan to seduce him (finally) and consummate what I thought was the inevitable next stage of our relationship.
“I had no idea…” Seth continued. The Seth I remembered was never ruffled like this, and it made me even more uncomfortable than I already was. “Can we talk for a minute?”
“Okay.” It came out squeakily, as if my vocal cords had lost their elasticity.
“Let me just … Do you want a beer?”
“Sure.”
He held up a finger for me to wait there, and then turned and walked to the kitchen. I assumed he was buying time to figure out what to say to me. But by then, it didn’t matter what he said. Whatever fantasy I had concocted was tainted; whatever optimism I had harbored was gone.
“I guess you didn’t hear,” said Greg, popping up by my shoulder like an imp. “They’re kind of a thing.”
Kind of a thing. I felt the floor dissolve under me, but before I could react, Greg brushed off his thighs as if his work was done and wandered off to join a group in the far corner of the room.
In the kitchen, I could see Molly pluck an open beer from Seth’s hand and take a flirtatious sip.
I turned around and tried to focus on the flames of the fire while I waited for Seth to return and deliver the death blow.
I felt him approach before he actually appeared at my side. Just like always, I could sense his energy, as if it were flowing a few steps ahead of him, clearing the way. Seth held out a beer to me. I took it but didn’t open it; I just let my hand fall limply to my side.
“Cricket.” This time, he said my name like an apology.
“I wanted to surprise you. I didn’t know you had a girlfriend.”
“She’s not my girlfriend,” said Seth. “Greg set us up earlier this week. I don’t even know her that well.”
“It seems like you know her pretty well,” I said. I felt my eyes start to burn and realized that I would need to make a quick exit in order to avoid a public meltdown. “I need to go.”
“I want to talk to you,” said Seth.
“I can’t talk now,” I choked. “I can’t talk here.”
I put my unopened beer on the mantel and headed for the front door. I caught Chloe’s eye on my way. She looked as shell-shocked as I felt. I hazily shoved my feet into my boots and grabbed my coat from the hooks by the door.
As I reached for the handle, I thought I heard Greg say something like, “I mean, what did you expect? You broke his heart.”
Once outside, I pulled out my phone to call my father, but I had no reception.
I walked further out into the driveway, searching for a signal to no avail.
I looked back toward the house, which seemed more imposing than it had when I arrived.
There was no way I was going back in to use the landline.
I had to think fast. It was probably only a matter of moments before someone—Chloe, or maybe even Seth—came out to try to coax me back inside, and no one here was sober enough to drive me home.
I could walk. It was about three miles via the road that wrapped around Catwood Pond, or …
I looked down toward the water. As the crow flies, it was only a mile across the ice to my house.
I figured if I could swim it in the summer, I could walk it in the winter.
It would be the quickest path home and was the best way to evade anyone who might try to follow me.
Before I could overthink it, I started running down the hill, past the Seavey boathouse, and out onto the ice, my boots crunching the snow.
I had forgotten my hat and gloves, but it didn’t matter.
The intense chill of the past few days had given way to warmer temperatures today.
It was noticeable enough that I had heard my father mutter “Damn global warming” that morning.
Tonight, it felt like winter had pulled a disappearing act, leaving something milder in its stead.
The sliver of moon in the sky was not bright enough to light my way, so I pulled out my phone and used its flashlight to illuminate the ice ahead of me.
In the distance, I could see a faint light coming from the windows of our house, and I ran as far as I could before slowing to a walk.
The pond was silent except for the sound of my trudging.
My tears turned cold against the air, running down my neck and wetting the collar of my sweater.
As I neared the midpoint between the north and south shores, I heard a buzzing, almost like the sound of a far-off chainsaw.
I turned back toward the Seavey house and saw a bright headlight move slowly down the hill and out onto the ice.
The engine’s roar increased as the light moved toward me, and I finally recognized it as a snowmobile speeding in my direction.
I turned and kept walking with increased purpose toward my house, but as my pursuer got closer, I couldn’t feign indifference.
Eventually, I turned and waited for the machine to find me, knowing it would be Seth.
He slowed, pulling up beside me and cutting the engine. He wore a coat and gloves, but no hat or helmet. He must have left in a hurry, the same way I did.
“Cricket, what are you doing?” Seth asked. “It’s pitch black. You could get hurt out here.”
“I’m fine,” I said. He waited for me to tell the truth. “I’m so embarrassed. I thought we…” I couldn’t get it out.
“You broke up with me, Cricket,” he said.
“I know.”
“Will you come back to the party so we can talk?”
“I can’t.”
“Well, at least let me drive you home. You can’t walk across the ice in the dark like this.”
I hadn’t been on a snowmobile since I was a little kid, and it suddenly seemed scarier than I remembered, but I was too depleted to object. A part of me also welcomed the chance to be physically near Seth again, so I climbed on the back and wrapped my arms around his waist.
“You good?” he asked over his shoulder. He turned on the engine and pulled ahead, first cautiously and then with more speed, the wet air pulling my tears straight back to my hairline.
Leaning my right cheek against the back of his neck to block the wind, I inhaled his clean scent, and it broke my heart all over again.
The moon hung delicately above us. From my angle, it could just as easily have been a summer moon, and we could have been zipping through the water in a boat.
I clung to Seth and allowed myself to fantasize that the winter was melting away and we were flying back to the warmer season where we met.
Soon we would arrive at the time before I had messed everything up.
But when we arrived at my dock, it was still winter. I climbed off the snowmobile and stared at Seth, who looked as wrecked as I felt.
“Can I come in?” he asked. “Can we talk?”
I wanted to say yes. I wanted to cocoon with Seth and let the world around us dissolve. But across the water, the Seavey house was lit up like a lantern, and I knew there was no salvaging this night. “I’m exhausted. You should go. People are waiting for you.”
“I don’t want to go back to the stupid party. I want to be with you.”
I felt my heart lift for a minute, and for the first time since Seth had walked through that door with Molly, I felt like I might actually survive this shock.