Chapter Iris #2
Nate’s head lifts, like he can feel me watching him. But I don’t stick around. I turn on my heel the moment his eyes meet mine, walking quickly toward my classroom, before he can see how much he hurt me.
“Iris!” His voice cuts through the hallway noise, but I walk faster, every step fueled by my need to get away from him. If I have to know they’re together, I’ll fall apart, and I don’t think I’ll ever be put back together.
“Iris, wait!” I fumble with the classroom door, shoving it open and trying to slip inside. Before I can close it all the way, his hand presses flat against the wood, stopping it cold.
“Leave me alone, Nate. Go back to Savannah.”
“What? Savannah? You think I—”
I shove at the door, but it doesn’t budge against his strength. “I don’t want to have to think about it!” I throw back. “I don’t want to think about you at all!”
“Okay, that’s it,” Nate says, shoving his way inside, the sudden force making me stumble back a step.
“What the hell?” I snap, my voice shaking as much as the rest of my body. “You can’t just—”
“I’m not letting you run off again,” he shouts back, locking the door behind him. “Not until you hear me out.”
“I don’t want to hear you,” I fire back, “Leave me alone and go be with her!”
“Have you completely lost your mind?” The words are incredulous, his hands fly through the air.
“Me?” I choke out, my anger overruling all of the sadness I feel.
“She threatened me, Nate. And now you’re standing in the hallway eye-fucking her like I don’t even matter!
” The words tear out of me, sharp and furious.
I don’t yell like this, but I’m just so angry.
At him, at her, at myself for letting this happen to me in the first place.
“I know I don’t matter to you anymore, but you could at least—”
“What do you mean she threatened you?” He asks, cutting me off.
“She found out about me.” I admit, the fight draining out of me as quickly as it came.“She said if I didn’t tell you, she’d tell everyone.”
“What the hell? Why didn’t you tell me?”
I cross my arms. He’s still not getting it. “I didn’t want to tell you, Nate. I thought I could handle it. I did handle it.”
He shakes his head, frowning with every word. “You should’ve come to me. You should’ve trusted me, Iris. If somebody threatens you, you tell me. I don’t care who it is.”
Anger trickles through me once again. Who does he think he is, trying to be protective now? “I’m not your girlfriend, stop saying that.”
“No,” he takes a step forward, making me take one back. “I’m not gonna stop saying it because last time I checked, you’re still my girlfriend.”
“Yeah, well, that ended when you misgendered me. When you asked if I have a—” I pause, not wanting to say the word. “I have some self-respect, Nate.”
“Dammit, Iris. I’m sorry!” He exclaims, frustration twisting his features. “I know that was fucked up of me to bring up, but I don’t know anything about being trans, I was trying to understand!”
“What about that do you need to understand?” I snap, hugging my arms tighter around myself, hating this line of discussion.
“That’s important shit to know about somebody you’re dating. How am I supposed to fuck you right if I don’t even know what the hell I’m doing?”
I blink at him, stunned. Has he lost his mind? “I’m not having sex with you.”
His eyebrows shoot up, evidently surprised by that, which is—
“What?” He asks, with what sounds like genuine distress.
“I’m not,” I tell him, even though I want nothing more than to be with him, to be normal. I’m never going to be, and clearly, he still doesn’t get that. “I don’t want that with you, so you don’t have to worry about it.”
“Where the hell is this coming from? I know you ain’t ready yet, but you said some day—”
“I tried to touch you, and you said you’re not gay,” I tell him, recounting one of the worst moments of my life in the middle of my classroom, like it doesn’t break my heart all over again to say. “I don’t trust you anymore.”
I try to stay collected, but against everything in me, my eyes prickle with tears threatening to fall.
No, no, no. I can’t cry right now.
“Fuck, Darlin’, you got no idea how sorry I am about that.
” He drags a hand through his hair, exhaling hard before he continues.
“I know that was fucked up, and it’s not an excuse.
But I was shocked. I’ve never met anybody trans before, and I was confused.
But I’ve had time to think about it, and I know you think this is the end of the world, but I’ve been trying to tell you it’s not. ”
I keep my gaze glued to the floor, fully aware that if I look at him, I’ll give in. At first, there’s nothing but silence, while he waits for me to say something. When I don’t, his shoes scuff against the tile as he moves closer.
Slow, like he knows not to push too hard.
“Iris,” he says, carefully. “That shit I said before? I wasn’t thinking. I was running my mouth, scared and acting stupid. I knew it was wrong the second it came out of my mouth. I’ve been feeling like the world’s biggest asshole since that night, you gotta believe me.”
“You should,” I mumble, squeezing my arms tighter around myself. I don’t want to be reminded of that night. It’s played through my head enough times to last a lifetime.
“I do. You got no idea how sorry I am. But I’m begging you to give me a chance to make it right.” I bite the inside of my cheek, keeping my gaze locked on his chest. I want to tell him it’s okay, but I’m not sure if forgiving him so easily is a betrayal of myself.
“We don’t gotta do anything if you don’t wanna. I know I don’t deserve you after what I did. But I love you.” My head jerks up, startled by those words. The last time he said them, I was too in my head to really hear them.
“We can wait as long as you need. Forever if you want. It don’t matter, Iris.” His hands hover near me, but he doesn’t touch me yet. “You’re my girl, and I’m gonna do whatever I can to prove that to you. No matter how long it takes.”
I’m nodding before I even make up my mind, the tears I’ve been holding in falling hot down my cheeks.
He closes the distance between us, all hesitation gone. His arms are strong around me as I bury my face into him, letting myself believe his words. Maybe I shouldn’t, maybe I should still be angry, but he said everything I’ve ever wanted to hear, and never thought I would.
He knows everything, and he loves me.
The image of him with Savannah in the hallway flashes through my head like a bucket of cold water, making my stomach twist. “But what about Savannah?” I ask, pulling away from him. “She was all over you.”
“She was bothering me about using the gym even though the band already has it after school. It was nothing, I swear.” He says, brushing the tears from my face with his thumb. “You don’t have anything to worry about.”
I want to believe him, but—
“Hell,” He adds, “she was practically throwing herself at me the other day, and all I could think about was Halloween.”
Halloween.
My face heats up instantly.
“Don’t think about that,” I say too fast, the memory of that night even more mortifying now that he knows the truth about me.
His grin spreads, slow and cocky, and I would want to punch him if I didn’t love him. “Can’t help it. You let me see those pretty tits and think I’m gonna forget? Ain’t no way, Darlin’.”
My cheeks, and the rest of me, flood with heat. I shove at his chest to make him go away, but he steps closer, enough that we’re touching from head to toe. “Nate. Stop. Shut up.”
He chuckles, the sound vibrating through my body as he crowds me. I step back, bumping into my desk. “What? I’m just telling the truth.”
I shake my head. “You don’t have to say stuff like that. I know I’m not—” My voice cracks, and I bite my lip hard, wishing the floor would open up and swallow me whole so I don’t have to experience this embarrassment.
My secret felt like a shield. I could tell myself the things he said weren’t meant for the real me. But now that he knows, it’s both thrilling and too much at once, making my body react in ways it never has before.
His hand comes up, brushing a wavy strand of hair from my heated face. “I don’t have to remind you how goddamn perfect you are? Sorta seems like I do.”
I glare up at him, the only thing I’m able to do, but it makes him smile. “And you’re adorable when you’re grumpy.”
I scowl, batting his hand away. “You’re ridiculous.”
“Maybe.” He leans in again, close enough that my breath catches. “But you still want me to kiss you, so what does that say about you?”
“I’m never kissing you again.”
He tilts his head. “Sure about that?”
I try to hold his stare, but it’s impossible when his nose brushes mine. “Nate. Stop.”
“Stop what?” he murmurs, his mouth hovering right above mine.
I’m hit with a dizzying amount of need as arousal and irritation boil over. “God, just…” I fist his shirt in both hands and yank him down.
Our lips collide, rough and desperate, his surprised laugh melting into a moan as I part my mouth, slipping my tongue against his.
His hands clamp onto my hips hard, and then he’s shoving me back against the desk, lifting me onto it like I weigh nothing, and settling between my legs, never breaking the kiss.
I gasp at the show of strength, threading my fingers through his hair. I tug harder than I mean to, but he groans into my mouth. The sound vibrates through me, making me shiver.
It’s hot.
Hotter than anything we’ve ever done.
His tongue tangles with mine like he’s starving, like he’s been holding back all this time and finally decided to give me everything. I pull him closer, needing more, my pulse pounding in my ears with how much I want.
His calloused hands slide under my shirt, tugging it over my head, and I don’t stop him. The air is cool against my skin, but he doesn’t give me time to think about that, already tugging my bralette out of the way, baring me completely to him.
His mouth is on my throat, hot and wet, and how do I breathe again?