Chapter 15
CHAPTER FIFTEEN
J axon
I stand under the hot water letting it run down my body and questioning if I should have gone after Tia. She’s too sweet for this world of mine. I’ve known that for a long time, even if I didn’t want to admit it. Tia’s a good girl, just like the day I met her. She doesn’t know how to handle what I bring to her life.
With a sigh, I admit that truth, and I think that hurts more than any of the damage that shithead Dickie did to me. The swelling in my eye will go down. My ribs will feel better.
But Tia will never be able to see past what I do.
My brain kicks into overdrive as I begin to make plans to send her away. Fuck, I hate the idea of her gone from my side, but she deserves a chance to have the kind of life that doesn’t involve people shooting her.
I need to find a way to contact my guy in Italy. She can go join her parents. Assuming Victor didn’t get a hold of my phone, he doesn’t know where her father is hiding. I know my uncle. If he had that information from my cell, he would have dangled it in front of me. Victor is nothing if not a gloater when he thinks he’s got something on a person.
Defeated, I hang my head and let the hot water hit my back. It feels good, like a deep massage to make my muscles heal. I’d stay in this shower for the rest of time knowing what I have to do when I walk out into the bedroom, but that’s not an option.
Tia must go. It was a mistake going back to her. I should have sent her on vacation with her parents in the first place. Then she wouldn’t have gotten shot or sent careening off the road into a field and nearly killed.
I can get her to Italy tonight, and then I’ll be able to focus on killing Victor. Unlike the woman I love, I have no problem with what I must do to him. I don’t struggle with the ethics of killing, especially someone like him. He’s hurt anyone who ever got close to him.
The reality is this is a kill or be killed situation. Either we get Victor or he gets us. That’s all there is to it.
And I have no intention of dying for that motherfucker to keep making the world miserable.
The shower begins to grow colder, so I turn off the water and dry off, all the while my gut twisting into a knot as I plot out how to send her away. The problem is I know I won’t see her again after this.
How do you say goodbye to the only person you’ve ever truly loved?
I swipe my hand across the mirror covered in steam and take a look at my face. Fucking Dickie. I still look like a fucked up potato head with my eye nearly swollen shut and the bruises around my cheekbones and jaw. Motherfucker did a hell of a job on me. He better assume I’ll do at least as much to him when I get the chance.
Who am I kidding? Fuck that beating him up shit. I’m just going to kill him.
For a moment, I search my expression to see any hint of regret for thinking that. Nothing. I’m a killer. This is who I am. I wanted to think I could be the kind of man who could have Tia too, but it seems those two don’t work together.
But what if I walked away and only tried to be the man who loves her? It’s not like Ryker, Cason, and Kane need me to kill Victor. I could leave with her tonight and run off to Italy to enjoy a wonderful vacation. We can take a ride in a gondola and see the Colosseum. We can visit those places everyone raves about in Europe. Hell, we don’t have to just visit Italy. I have enough money to take us to anywhere we want.
I catch a glimpse of my eyes and know that’s all a pipe dream. A killer is who I am. It’s what I need to be for my family. I can’t turn my back on them at the very moment they need me most.
Even more, Victor stepped over the line when he went after Tia and her family. He knew how much I cared about her, and he still put a target on their backs. That kind of behavior can’t go unchecked or unpunished.
Closing my eyes, I give myself a reprieve from that knowing look in them. Going on a wonderful vacation with the woman I love sounds great. Except I can’t go. Not now. Maybe not ever.
Anyone who thinks men like me don’t have regrets is fucking crazy. We have a lot of them. We just don’t let anyone know.
I head out into the bedroom and feel relieved when I see Tia’s not back yet. At least it gives me a minute or two to put off the inevitable.
On the bed are a pair of black pants and a blue dress shirt I left here a few months ago. Ryker better know how lucky he is to have a woman like Kaia by his side. How she tolerates having all of us around in her business here is beyond me. I would have told the entire bunch of us to get the hell out a long time ago.
As I gingerly slip my pants on over my very sore legs, the bedroom door opens. I hold my breath as I wait to see who it is, and when I see Tia walk into the room, I wish I could say I was relieved.
I’m not. What I’m about to say to her is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do in my life. Even harder than the words I said to her a year ago.
She gives me one of her sweet smiles before sitting on the edge of the bed. “You felt good enough to take a shower? That’s good.”
Nodding, I mumble, “Yeah.”
“Are you angry with me because I needed to go outside and think for a little while?”
She really is far too nice for me. I need to keep reminding myself of that because if I don’t, I’m never going to be able to get the words out I need to say.
I shake my head but turn my back to her to compose myself. I need to do this. Going back to her was a mistake she nearly paid for with her life. I can’t risk that again.
“When I was outside, Kaia came to talk to me. She helped me see things I wasn’t understanding, Jaxon.”
“That’s good.”
She falls silent, which presents the perfect chance for me to tell her what I need to, but I miss my opportunity because I hesitate. I don’t want to tell her goodbye. I love Tia. I would give my life for her, and the very thought of having to live without her forever hurts more than any bullet I’ve ever taken or any beating I’ve ever endured.
“Why won’t you look at me, Jaxon?” she asks, her voice full of hurt.
I shake my head once more, but I don’t answer her. I can’t. I just need to say what’s going to happen, and that’s it. No emotion. No tears. Just say it and be done with it.
“So about everything. I’m going to make arrangements for you to join your parents in Italy. You’ll be safe there. I can even add someone to the guy I have with your parents to make sure you’re all safe.”
The silence my words are met with is deafening. I can’t even hear her breathing. It’s like she’s holding her breath.
I turn around, needing to see if she understands what I just said, and one look at her tells me she does. With tears in her eyes, she shakes her head but says nothing.
“It’s for the best, Tia. I made a mistake coming back into your life. I didn’t mean to make things worse, but now that I have, I need to fix things to make them right again.”
She keeps shaking her head, but now the tears stream down over her cheeks. I have to stop myself from taking her into my arms because that won’t help now. It will only make it harder for me to do what I need to, and she’ll just get the wrong idea.
Finally, she wipes her eyes and stands up in front of me. I expect her to slap me across the face, which I deserve, but I’m stunned when she finally says something about my plans.
“No. I’m not going anywhere. And I can’t believe you think you could just send me off like some unruly teenager to military school.”
Okay. Damn. I didn’t expect that response.
“Tia, it’s for the best. You couldn’t handle me talking about killing Victor, and I understand why. You’re a nice person, and hearing someone talk about killing his uncle must have freaked you out. You don’t belong in this world. You belong in a place where people are kind and nobody gets killed.”
She steps closer to me and sets her hands on her hips. “I belong with you. That’s all there is to it. Yes, I had a hard time before, but give me a little grace here. I’m new to all of this. You try being thrown into a world you know very little of and see how you handle it. I’m tougher than you think, Jaxon. I got shot and lived through it, for God’s sake.”
I can’t help but smile at how sweet she is, even when she’s trying to be a badass. “That’s the damn reason I want you away from me and everything in my world. You got shot, Tia! Do you have any idea how bad I feel about that? I want to kill the guy who shot you right now even more than I want to kill Victor, and believe me, I want that bastard dead.”
Shaking her head, she sighs, and I seize on that. “See? That right there. You can’t handle this. I don’t blame you. I blame myself. I was selfish and wanted you back, but I didn’t think about how you’d do when push came to shove. Now I know.”
“So now I can’t sigh or show any emotion? That’s complete and utter bullshit, Jaxon. So I don’t like to hear you talk about killing people. So what? Does that make me unable to handle things? No, it doesn’t. It just means that I don’t like the thought of people dying, especially because of me. I’m not going anywhere, so get used to it.”
I look into her blue eyes and wonder how I ever convinced this beautiful soul to love me. Whatever I did, I got damn fucking lucky she even gave a chance that first time I went to her apartment. Ninety-nine out of a hundred women would have told me to fuck all the way off out of their lives, and I would have deserved it.
“So now you’re tough enough to handle this life? I don’t know if you understand all that goes into being with me, Tia. I’m a bad man. A killer. Do you get that? Because that’s what I am. Now’s your last chance to get the hell away from me and meet some nice guy who can give you a new house, kids, and a minivan. If you don’t go now, there’s no way I’ll ever let you go again.”
She gives me one of her beautiful smiles and cradles my face in her tender hands. “You’re not a bad man, Jaxon. You’re a man whose job requires you to do bad things. I understand the difference now. And I don’t want some guy who’s going to hand me over to someone because he can’t pick winners in a basketball game. I want you.”
Confused, I shake my head as I try to figure out what she’s talking about. “I think I missed part of our conversation because I have no idea what you mean. What guy? What basketball game?”
“Forget it. Just something I heard.”
“Well, I don’t know who you’re talking to, but I’m not handing you over to anyone.”
She stands on her toes and kisses me softly. “Good. Now that we got that settled, maybe we should do something about that eye of yours. I think it needs some ice to make the swelling go down.”
“I thought it was looking better. I think it makes me look tougher, like a fighter. What do you think?”
Gently moving her hand along the side of my face, she touches just underneath my eye, making me wince. “I think some ice might help. Did I hurt you much?”
“No. The only thing that was hurting me while you were gone was thinking about how I had to send you away. Now that I know you’re staying, I don’t care how much pain my body is in.”
Tia tenderly wraps her arms around me and rests her head on my chest. “Thank you for caring enough about me to protect my parents and me. I didn’t realize how much that means to me until I was outside thinking about everything.”
I rest my cheek against the top of her head and sigh at how good she feels in my arms again. “I’d give my life to make sure you’re safe, Tia. Never doubt that.”
Leaning back, she looks up at me and shakes her head. “Well, I don’t want that. I want you around so when things calm down again, we can be happy.” She wrinkles her nose and adds, “Things do calm down with all of you guys, don’t they? It isn’t always like this, is it?”
God, she can be so cute.
“Like any other job, it’s long periods of practically nothing happening punctuated by bursts of way too much goddamned happening.”
“Okay. I can handle that. I love you, Jaxon.”
I kiss her and smile against her lips. “I love you, Tia. Never doubt that.”
“I never do.”