Chapter 24
CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR
J axon
Since we returned to Ryker’s, Tia has been uncharacteristically quiet. I need to hear her say something, but she simply walked directly to the bedroom and into the bathroom to take a shower. Now she’s sitting on the bed staring down at her crossed legs after getting dressed.
“Are you hungry?” I ask, unsure what to do to get her to talk.
She shakes her head but doesn’t look up at me.
“Do you feel okay?”
I wait for a few moments before she nods but still says nothing.
Concerned about what’s happening, I sit down next to her and wrap my arm around her shoulders. She doesn’t flinch, which I was worried about, but she simply sits as still as a statue. It’s as if all her emotions have left with her words.
“Tia, please talk to me.”
Seconds tick by without her saying a word. I lean my head on her shoulder and sigh, not knowing how to reach her. I know what happened at Victor’s is affecting her. That’s why I want her to talk to me.
Actually, my need to hear her say something is far more selfish. What if she isn’t talking because she’s decided she can’t handle living in my world after all she’s endured? What if she has no words for me now because there’s nothing more to say?
“Tell me what you’re thinking.”
I watch her draw her eyebrows in like she’s on the verge of crying, but no tears appear. She remains silent, either unwilling to tell me what’s on her mind or unable to.
Climbing off the bed, I walk around in front of her and try to meet her gaze, but she won’t look up at me. I sit down and take her hands in mine, and I can’t help but notice how small they are next to my hands.
“Please, Tia. Say something. Tell me you’re okay. Tell me what happened. Tell me to fuck off and leave you alone. Just say something. I can’t handle this silence.”
Her little finger on her right hand twitches against my palm, and then she falls still again. I don’t know what to do. She’s lost, and I can’t seem to reach her.
After a long while, I gently set her hands on her legs and stand from the bed. “I’m going to get you something to eat. You must be hungry.”
I have no idea if she wants to eat or not. I just need to do something or I’m going to lose my mind tonight.
As I walk across the room toward the door, I hear her finally say something in a tiny voice. “How do you do it?”
I don’t need to ask do what. I know. How do I handle seeing people hurt or killed and still go on?
Slowly, I walk back to sit next to her. “The first time I saw someone die, I felt like I was going to puke. I couldn’t show that, though, because Victor would have ridden my ass about it, so I pretended I didn’t give a damn about watching someone bleed to death in front of me. Then, the first chance I got, I went to the bathroom and threw up until I cried. He told me I’d get used to it, but I’m not sure that ever happens.”
She shakes her head and then looks over at me with tears filling her eyes. “I don’t know how I’m going to ever sleep again, Jaxon. He did horrible things to me, but I can’t handle knowing I’m to blame for his death.”
Cradling her beautiful face, I kiss her cheek damp from tears. “Tia, you aren’t the reason Victor Varens is dead. I need you to understand that.”
“If I wasn’t there with him, you all wouldn’t have come to kill him.”
I press my forehead to hers and close my eyes. “He died because of the things he did for his entire life. Tonight was just the final time he’ll ever hurt someone like you.”
She’s silent again for so long that I have to open my eyes. I see her staring at me and lean away.
“That’s the truth. I need you to believe that.”
Wiping her eyes, she asks, “What about you? What’s going to happen if someone decides you’ve done things that make you deserve to die?”
I take a deep breath as I try to think of an answer for her. So much of my world involves gray areas we all prefer not to dwell on. We chose this life and know what that means.
But Tia never chose this. She simply chose me, and this life came along with me.
“That’s always a risk for someone who does what I do. I’ve learned to accept that. I do things I have to live with for the rest of my days. Some are hard to justify. What happened tonight isn’t. Even if Victor had never done a bad thing in his entire life, just taking you and Kaia was enough to warrant what he got.”
I can’t bring myself to utter a single word about what he did to her down in that basement because it makes me want to kill him all over again. He hurt the most important person in my life. If I could have been the one to aim that gun and send that bullet through his fucking brains, I would have done it with glee.
That was Ryker’s job, though.
“I don’t know if I can do this, Jaxon. I love you. I need you to know that. But I don’t know if I can live in your world,” Tia says with so much sadness in her voice that my heart clenches.
I hate seeing her like this. I love her with everything I have, but if being with me is going to make her so unhappy, how can I do that to her?
She’s too sweet for me. She always has been. That I’ve had as much time with her as I have is a miracle.
Taking her hand, I press it over my heart and look into her eyes when I say the hardest words I’ll ever speak. “There’s never been anyone but you. There never will be. But I can’t make you stay where you can’t. That’s not fair to you.”
Her eyes open wide, and she asks in a shaky voice, “What are you saying?”
I swallow hard and say the very thing I’ve feared the entire time I’ve been with Tia. “I’m saying you deserve to be happy. If that’s not with me because of what I do, then I’ll have to accept that. I love you, Tia. You’re everything to me. It’s because of that I have to let you go if you can’t live in my world.”
“Let me go? I don’t understand, Jaxon. Why are you saying this?”
“Because I’m a killer, baby. It’s who I am. Now you’ve seen what I do, and my biggest fear has been realized because you can’t live with it.”
Tears roll down her cheeks as she shakes her head. “No! I don’t want to lose you again.”
“We are who we are, Tia. That’s always been the truth from the moment you walked into that coffee shop and met me for the first time. I should have never done Michael that favor. If I hadn’t, you’d be happily living your life and never have to go through what happened tonight.”
“And I wouldn’t have you!”
I hang my head and say the words she has to hear. “A killer who held you hostage for his cousin, kidnapped you, got you shot and in a car crash, and …”
Those final words don’t come out because I just can’t say them out loud. I know Victor raped her. I can’t speak those exact words, though.
“Would you have killed him because he touched me?”
Without a hint of hesitation, I answer, “Yes. I won’t apologize for that.”
“I don’t want to lose you, Jaxon. I don’t know what to do. I can’t live with the life you lead, but I don’t want to live without you. What do I do?”
She’s slipping away from me right before my eyes, and I can’t do a thing to stop her because she’s right. My world is no place for her. She’ll never be truly happy if she stays with me now, and I can’t be the reason she’s unhappy for the rest of her life.
“I can give you anything you want in this world, Tia. I have enough money to afford anything your heart desires. Homes, cars, clothing, jewelry, yachts, vacations, and everything else under the sun. I’d happily do it because you mean the world to me, and seeing you smile is worth every dime I have. But what you want I can’t buy.”
Tia throws her arms around me and begins to cry against my shoulder. “I don’t want things. I want you. Why can’t I have you?”
I hold her against me, loving how she feels in my arms and knowing this may be the last time I get to experience this. “You shouldn’t want me. You should want someone who doesn’t live like I do.”
She leans back and looks at me, sniffling as her tears keep coming. “I don’t want anyone else. I want you. Tell me how that can happen.”
Tia knows as well as I do that’s not possible with who we are right now. Something has to change, and I can’t expect that from her.
I slip my arms from around her and ease myself off the bed. “I’ll be back. I want to get you something to eat.”
She hangs her head and won’t look at me as I walk out of the room.
Ryker’s sitting in his office when I walk in, and I have to say I’m surprised to see him at work already. Taking a seat in one of the chairs in front of his desk, I shake my head.
“You should be with your wife and boy now, dude.”
He smiles like he knows and doesn’t need to hear that from me. “They’re both sleeping. I wanted to come down here for some peace and quiet since I figured everyone else would be busy tonight.”
I imagine he’s right. Kane and Sophie are in their room, and Cason and Lily are in their room, along with Lukas in his room.
“Why are you down here?” he asks, leaning back in his chair.
As hard as what I’m about to say is, it’s time. “Tia’s got to go home. I’d like your car to get going in the next few hours.”
“Does this mean what I think it means?”
Nodding, I try to smile, but it’s impossible now. “Yeah.”
“Are you sure about this? As the head of the family, you know I’m supposed to ask you that, right?” he says with a chuckle.
“I know. Yeah, this is for the best. She doesn’t belong in our world. It’s not fair to expect her to find a way to deal with the life I lead.”
“If your father could see you now, Jaxon.”
What would he say, I silently wonder. I don’t know. Maybe he’d think I’m crazy for giving up what I’ve cared about for so long. Maybe he’d understand.
All I know is I can live with this, even if it means losing something important to me because it’s the right thing to do.
I stand up and laugh at that thought. “Do you know I just thought to myself that I have to do this because it’s the right thing to do?”
“Look at you. All grown up now. Don’t be a stranger, okay? Just because you aren’t working for me anymore doesn’t mean you can’t come visit every once in a while.”
He extends his hand and I shake it. “Got it. Come back every so often, or I’m going to get a surprise visit from every Varens in this house.”
“You have to make sure to come back for Cason and Lily’s baby’s arrival. Or at least the christening. It wouldn’t be a party without you, Jaxon.”
“Damn right. Tell everyone I said I’ll see them later, okay?”
“Will do,” he says with a smile. “Take the SUV. I have a feeling you’ll need it.”
As I walk toward the door to go back upstairs to Tia, I roll my eyes. “Let’s not rush things, okay. We’re young. We’ve got lots of time.”
“Cason and Lily are younger, and they’re going on their second one,” he says behind me. “You guys need to catch up.”
For a moment, I get serious with him. “We have some stuff to work through on that front, thanks to your brother.”
Ryker frowns, letting out a heavy sigh. “I’m sorry about that. Is she going to be okay?”
“I have a feeling when I tell her my news it’ll be a step in the right direction. I’ll be there for her.”
“You’re a good man, Jaxon. Don’t forget that.”
I shake my head at that idea. “That’s a first. I don’t think anyone would have ever thought to say that about me.”
“Well, you are. Go live your life and be happy. Just don’t forget us, okay?”
Stopping in the doorway, I nod. “Thanks for everything, Ryker. And thanks for not being like your brother.”
If Ryker was like him, he’d have no choice but to kill me to ensure I never leave the family.
But things are different now. Victor was the old way. Trafficking women, drugs, and guns. Killing anyone who crosses you. He never left the past, but Ryker knows the Varens family can’t live back there.
That’s why I know they’ll be fine without me. The new way doesn’t need enforcers much. Between the online gaming company Victor owns and the hackers he’s got working for him now, that world Victor and his kind have been clinging to will finally fade away for Ryker, Cason, and Kane.
I can only hope they’ll be as happy as Tia and I will be.
She’s sitting on the bed where I left her when I return to our room. I start packing her things up, and then grab my things to stuff into the bag.
Confused, she walks over and looks at my bad packing before looking up at me. “What’s going on?”
“Time for us to go,” I say brusquely, trying to keep the smile off my face.
“But I told you I don’t want to go. Not without you.”
Finally, I can’t hold back my happiness and smile at her. “Then I guess I’ll have to go with you.”
“What? What do you mean? Like driving me to my house and then leaving?” she asks, barely holding back the tears.
“No. I mean we’re going home, Tia. You and me. A fresh start for us.”
Her eyes grow big, and she throws her arms around me as the tears start again. “Oh, Jaxon! Really? You’re going to leave all of these behind? For me?”
“I can’t think of a better reason. Now let’s get going. We’ve got a long drive ahead of us.”
She kisses me and sighs. “I don’t know what to say.”
“Say you like the idea of living with me since I never asked and sort of sprung this on you.”
Tia gives me a big, beautiful smile. “I love the idea of us living together. Are you sure about this? I don’t want to be the reason you leave your life behind.”
I cradle her face and press my forehead to hers. “You’re the only reason I’d do anything, baby. I love you.”
“And I love you, Jaxon. Thank you for understanding.”
Holding her to me, I close my eyes and smile. “I hear that’s what good men do.”
“You are a good man, baby,” she whispers in my ear. “I suspect you always have been in all the ways that matter.”
That’s debatable, but if being with Tia means I need to be that kind of man, then that’s what I’ll be. She deserves that from the man who loves her.
Keep reading to find out more about Abbi’s dark romances!